He's Convinced I'm a Cheater

[Think About It...]

I'm on this website because, from what I've read, I believe my husband has BPD. He has MAJOR trust issues. He thinks I have cheated on him when I have not. I have not even come close nor have I thought about it. He begs me to tell him the "truth". Our arguments/discussions are like two walls trying to communicate. He wants to hear me admit that I have cheated on him, and I always deny it (because that is the REAL truth, not the "truth" he has made up in his head). He gives me all these reasons why he is sure that I have cheated on him; he even claims that he has proof. () I tell him that it's impossible. He just gets more angry that I keep "lying" to him, and I get more angry/frusterated that he doesn't believe me. I guess my issue is co-dependency. I want our relationship to work. I want him to realize what he believes is wrong (but how is this even possible when he is SO sure?) Sometimes, I can convince him that he is wrong, but lately, this has only been lasting for a few hours. Then, something I do triggers him to get upset, and he just KNOWS that I have cheated on him. (Examples: He asked me to put lunch meat in his salad and I forgot--he thinks I don't care or listen to what he wants. Also: I pick up my iPod to read the text from my sister. He asks, "What are you doing?" I say, "I'm reading the text from my sister. Is that okay?" He flies off the handle that I am acting suspicous (because I said, "is that okay?" He took that as smart alick-y.) I'm afraid that deep down, he will always think that I have cheated on him and that he is only with me because he's a "fool who loves me."  Is there really hope that a therapist could convince him he is in the wrong? How does that even work? For all the therapist knows, I could be a cheater.
My husband always bounces the ball into my court (as I like to phrase it). Because he thinks I cheated, I am the one who needs to decide whether to "tell him the truth" or just leave. I know I do have the decision whether to stay or leave, but all I want is for him to understand that I did not cheat on him. I can't even stand the thought that I would leave with him thinking I hurt him in that way when I have not. I want him to know that I have always been there for him, and that I have not let him down. *Sigh* This may be just a vent post...but any thoughts are greatly appreciated. I'm really running out of ideas on what to do. Thank you.

[TheOptimist]

I'm on this website because, from what I've read, I believe my husband has BPD. He has MAJOR trust issues. He thinks I have cheated on him when I have not. I have not even come close nor have I thought about it. He begs me to tell him the "truth". Our arguments/discussions are like two walls trying to communicate. He wants to hear me admit that I have cheated on him, and I always deny it (because that is the REAL truth, not the "truth" he has made up in his head). He gives me all these reasons why he is sure that I have cheated on him; he even claims that he has proof. () I tell him that it's impossible. He just gets more angry that I keep "lying" to him, and I get more angry/frusterated that he doesn't believe me. I guess my issue is co-dependency. I want our relationship to work. I want him to realize what he believes is wrong (but how is this even possible when he is SO sure?) Sometimes, I can convince him that he is wrong, but lately, this has only been lasting for a few hours. Then, something I do triggers him to get upset, and he just KNOWS that I have cheated on him. (Examples: He asked me to put lunch meat in his salad and I forgot--he thinks I don't care or listen to what he wants. Also: I pick up my iPod to read the text from my sister. He asks, "What are you doing?" I say, "I'm reading the text from my sister. Is that okay?" He flies off the handle that I am acting suspicous (because I said, "is that okay?" He took that as smart alick-y.) I'm afraid that deep down, he will always think that I have cheated on him and that he is only with me because he's a "fool who loves me."  Is there really hope that a therapist could convince him he is in the wrong? How does that even work? For all the therapist knows, I could be a cheater.
My husband always bounces the ball into my court (as I like to phrase it). Because he thinks I cheated, I am the one who needs to decide whether to "tell him the truth" or just leave. I know I do have the decision whether to stay or leave, but all I want is for him to understand that I did not cheat on him. I can't even stand the thought that I would leave with him thinking I hurt him in that way when I have not. I want him to know that I have always been there for him, and that I have not let him down. *Sigh* This may be just a vent post...but any thoughts are greatly appreciated. I'm really running out of ideas on what to do. Thank you.

[an0ught]

Hi TheOptimist,

you may want to read up on validation and communication skills on the LESSONS on the Staying board: http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0. I just checked the Ambassador responses and well, they were the same so...

You can't control what he feels - only he can. Instead of fighting what can't be fought you can validate his perception and allowing him to deal with it more rationally.

Validation:
  You don't trust me.
  You believe I have cheated.
  You are not certain I love you.
  You are afraid I leave you.
  ...

These are all his perception and he needs to deal with them. Not your problem - anything you say will just be twisted. Anything angry emotion will just be interpreted as admission of guilt. Don't fight those perceptions - validate them so he has a chance to tune them down. And if it goes circular - boundary - leave him running in circles. Again not your problem but his.

[artman.1]

TheOptimist,
     His insistance on your cheating really throw up the red flags.  This sounds like Projection to me.  Please refer to the lessons, and read about typical BPD behaviors, and the ways to deal with all this without making things worse.

Art

[isilme]

TheOptimist,

Here's a few ideas for thought:

A) He has found it upset you.  Since a pwBPD doesn't like to be the only one in the room who is upset, not matter what about, you need to be made just as upset as he is, however that's accomplished.  So in a really strange way, this is just a tool to make you share his emotional state.  BF will poke at me to make me mad to help validate his emotions... even if it's just to retroactively blame me for him being mad (BF:  "Well, you got mad at me."  Me: "Not until you yelled at me for an hour."  BF:  "Well, you're mad at me."   )

B)  He has a fear of abandonment - thank you BPD.  What's more abandoning and invalidating  that being cheated on and then left for someone more attractive, nicer, funnier - all the things the person with BPD think you don't see in him/her?

C) He may have cheated himself.  Since you cannot possibly have thoughts and emotions or self control different than his own, you, too, must have succumbed to temptation and cheated.  And in order to avoid his shame at being unfaithful, it's projected onto you... if he can prove YOU cheated, then he no longer has to feel bad if he did.

D) BF told me a few months past that something always has a person to blame.  He does not believe in accidents.  He does not believe I can go to the store and not find what he wanted - I must have left it out on purpose, I must have not paid attention because I don't care, etc.  So forgetting lunchmeat and being smart-alecky all point to him you don't care about him, because he's the center of the world and all roads lead to him.  So if nothing happens on accident and all things are planned to annoy or hurt him, and a person is needed to accept blame for all things that annoy and hurt him, then you win the prize.   

Do any of these fit?  I have had one lover in my whole life, and I am still with him.  And he still, time to time, loves to accuse me of cheating, of wanting to cheat and of wanting to leave him.  He can't face the fact that these are HIS feelings coming out - so he has to blame them on me.  AND at its worst, we were dealing with the fact HE DID cheat on me. 

[artman.1]

TheOptimist,
     I had this happen to me as well with my UBPDW.  I have never cheated in the 47 years I have been with my UBPDW.  We have been married for 43+ years.  She accuses me of cheating on her in the past.  She is my one and only woman in my entire life.  She was my First.  I followed her when she asked for a divorce about 36+ years ago, and found her at a Dance Club near our home.  She was out partying with her sister and GF's.  I went back later ans saw her cheating in our car with some guy.  That really hurt.  We later reconciled, but she has cheated at least twice before that I actually saw, or am sure of, yet she blames me for cheating, and cannot even say she knows, but she blames so she can feel better with herself.  WOW! after 43 years you would think she might have overcome that issue.  I am sure she reacts exactly as the textbooks say about Projection.  That is why it stinks with red flags.  I am glad Isilme has brought out some other possibilities, but this behavior may warrent some investigation if you need to know.

Art