This one is about a friend's friend who is diagnosed with BPD. We all went to a museum together and the pwBP was talking in a loud voice. I felt upset, and found it difficult to concentrate. I told her quietly " I need to ask you to lower your voice, just because of the setting". She told me she was angry about that and felt I was "attacking and judging" her. I needed to "set limits"====we were not at a party, it was a situation where loud talking is not okay. Any suggestions in addition to validation when they feel attacked when you try to set liimts?
You may want to check out this thread - http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=169085.0
- for some good links about personal boundaries/limits. skip's thread and the wikipedia link both are good.
Personal limits are about ourselves, our values, limits, and actions we use to protect ourselves from others and them from us. We can't impose these limits on others - we can only use our own behavior to enforce them.
Using your museum experience as an example, if someone is distracting you by being too loud, and responds angrily to a polite request to lower their voice, how could you enforce your limit of needing a quiet atmosphere?
You could discreetly ask a museum employee to please handle it, or you could make an excuse to your friend, and wander to another location in the museum.
Lots of sensitive, insecure people - not just pwBPD - get defensive and feel you are trying to control their behavior - when you ask them to change it - even when your request is warranted.