recycle

[Think About It...]

I think she's doing the recycling now. After last nights phone calls saying I wasted her time and I used her to get my life on track. Though she claimed we were fully done this time. Is this an attempt for her to have me come crawling back to her? I feel like she feels as though she has a lot of power considering I have found somewhere to stay now. The FOG affect is kicking in and I'm starting to feel guilty. She complained about being alone there and scared. Asking how could I do that to her...oi vey

[sirhero]

I think she's doing the recycling now. After last nights phone calls saying I wasted her time and I used her to get my life on track. Though she claimed we were fully done this time. Is this an attempt for her to have me come crawling back to her? I feel like she feels as though she has a lot of power considering I have found somewhere to stay now. The FOG affect is kicking in and I'm starting to feel guilty. She complained about being alone there and scared. Asking how could I do that to her...oi vey

[isilme]

Asking how could I do that to her...oi vey

YOU didn't do it.  SHE made you leave.

[real lady]

I think she's doing the recycling now. After last nights phone calls saying I wasted her time and I used her to get my life on track. Though she claimed we were fully done this time.  

Hi. sirhero, I understand what I would do, I would certainly take her at her word and STOP pursuing her. If she is "trying to get you back by pushing you away"...is that the kind of relationship you want to have...with her...or anyone?
 

I have found somewhere to stay now.

Good for you; you are NOT dependent upon her for anything and she feels "alone and scared" because you are showing your INdependence. It seems that they ATTACKED any independence that we have so that we DEPEND more upon them...but that in itself IS NOT LOVE. Just control by them.

She complained about being alone there and scared. Asking how could I do that to her...oi vey

Well, then it looks like she might be unhappy but she has done it to herself and unless she FEELS the consequences of her behavior; she would only treat you that way again...SAY NO to FOG...if you feel you HAVE to say something, I would suggest "I am sorry that it didn't work out between us, I wish you the best of luck"...the recycle may start all over again. oy vey gevalt. shalom.

[sirhero]

I think she's doing the recycling now. After last nights phone calls saying I wasted her time and I used her to get my life on track. Though she claimed we were fully done this time.  

Hi! sirhero, I understand what I would do, I would certainly take her at her word and STOP pursuing her. If she is "trying to get you back by pushing you away"...is that the kind of relationship you want to have...with her...or anyone?
 

I have found somewhere to stay now.

Good for you; you are NOT dependent upon her for anything and she feels "alone and scared" because you are showing your INdependence. It seems that they ATTACKED any independence that we have so that we DEPEND more upon them...but that in itself IS NOT LOVE. Just control by them.

She complained about being alone there and scared. Asking how could I do that to her...oi vey

Well, then it looks like she might be unhappy but she has done it to herself and unless she FEELS the consequences of her behavior; she would only treat you that way again...SAY NO to FOG...if you feel you HAVE to say something, I would suggest "I am sorry that it didn't work out between us, I wish you the best of luck"...the recycle may start all over again. oy vey gevalt! shalom!

You know what you're right I didn't even see it that, but thanks for pointing that out to me. I know when I first told her I found a roomie her response was "Good for u". Then 7 hours later I get the text message and the phone calls. I am tired of being pushed away just to get her back. I'm tired of everything being my fault when it's not. It's takes two to Tango. I'm tired of seeing the things I try to and do for her just being thrown under the rug. She brought this stress upon herself I never said I wanted to leave her and if I have made her so unhappy this whole time, then just leave me alone and find someone who can!

[sirhero]

Asking how could I do that to her...oi vey

YOU didn't do it.  SHE made you leave.

I said that to her last night, she promptly hung up the phone.

[LoveNotWar]

Sirhero,

Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself! FOG is not our friend  ;p .

And she is playing on your sense of duty. Do you think she has YOUR best interest in mind?

So glad you found a place to stay, that's a positive move. Do you feel happy and secure in your new home? Are you enjoying some peace?

Be strong!

[sirhero]

Sirhero,

Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself! FOG is not our friend  ;p .

And she is playing on your sense of duty. Do you think she has YOUR best interest in mind?

So glad you found a place to stay, that's a positive move. Do you feel happy and secure in your new home? Are you enjoying some peace?

Be strong!

No I don't I think she has HER best interest in mind and will drag me down along the way. She already put me in more debt than what I want to be. I am happy here. My old coworker had a spare room and I will be able to save money up now. Aside from that Yes I am slowly starting to enjoy some peace again. No one to answer to really

[isilme]

It's takes two to Tango. I'm tired of seeing the things I try to and do for her just being thrown under the rug.

Exactly right.  And as long as she has you trained to jump when she starts to dysregulate, she's just fine, as she is dealing with her emotion by pushing them off onto you, and she is expressing them in rages directed at you.  And so you both dance, her leading in dysregulation, and you following her lead by being contrite, apologetic, bending over backwards to try to 'make her happy'.  

But YOU CAN'T "make her happy".  She has a problem with emotional regulation, and I think it's been said that some pwBPD even thrive on the conflict they help create - it's high of sorts.  So in a way, when we play the game, do the dance, we are helping supply them with an unhealthy high.

Now you are working on not tangoing.  You are not responding how she is used to, and it confuses her - if you'd crawled back as she expected, things would be a good a few days until the next blow up.  If you argued with her, she'd feel righteous in her kicking you out, and be able to vent her fears and emotions onto you in the form of anger.

But instead, you're not doing any of those.  You have found a place to stay that does NOT rely on her good will.  You have not given her an excuse to yell at you.  

I said that to her last night, she promptly hung up the phone.

And you are not accepting the blame she is trying so hard to avoid by projecting it onto you.  pwBPD can't feel they are at fault, as their whole ego seems to crumble when proven 'wrong'.  It can be about a TV show, or a major life event - if they are wrong once, then they are failures, worthless and often hate themselves.  So they try so hard to make themselves blameless and it all OUR fault.  

If I remember right, a lot of her issues seem multiplied when alcohol is involved, right?  Maybe you could set a boundary of keeping things cooled off until you can see she is in treatment for this, and on the wagon for a decent amount of time before even considering moving back in, or even staying in an r/s.  

As for FOG - do any of us really want to be in an r/s where our actions are ruled not by love, not by mutual (or even as close to mutual as a pwBPD can get) respect and affection, but by Fear, Obligation, and Guilt?  And in doing things out of these emotions, how well do you think you perform as an SO, being slowly drained?  

[sirhero]

It's takes two to Tango. I'm tired of seeing the things I try to and do for her just being thrown under the rug.

Exactly right.  And as long as she has you trained to jump when she starts to dysregulate, she's just fine, as she is dealing with her emotion by pushing them off onto you, and she is expressing them in rages directed at you.  And so you both dance, her leading in dysregulation, and you following her lead by being contrite, apologetic, bending over backwards to try to 'make her happy'.  

But YOU CAN'T "make her happy".  She has a problem with emotional regulation, and I think it's been said that some pwBPD even thrive on the conflict they help create - it's high of sorts.  So in a way, when we play the game, do the dance, we are helping supply them with an unhealthy high.

Now you are working on not tangoing.  You are not responding how she is used to, and it confuses her - if you'd crawled back as she expected, things would be a good a few days until the next blow up.  If you argued with her, she'd feel righteous in her kicking you out, and be able to vent her fears and emotions onto you in the form of anger.

But instead, you're not doing any of those.  You have found a place to stay that does NOT rely on her good will.  You have not given her an excuse to yell at you.  

I said that to her last night, she promptly hung up the phone.

And you are not accepting the blame she is trying so hard to avoid by projecting it onto you.  pwBPD can't feel they are at fault, as their whole ego seems to crumble when proven 'wrong'.  It can be about a TV show, or a major life event - if they are wrong once, then they are failures, worthless and often hate themselves.  So they try so hard to make themselves blameless and it all OUR fault.  

If I remember right, a lot of her issues seem multiplied when alcohol is involved, right?  Maybe you could set a boundary of keeping things cooled off until you can see she is in treatment for this, and on the wagon for a decent amount of time before even considering moving back in, or even staying in an r/s.  

As for FOG - do any of us really want to be in an r/s where our actions are ruled not by love, not by mutual (or even as close to mutual as a pwBPD can get) respect and affection, but by Fear, Obligation, and Guilt?  And in doing things out of these emotions, how well do you think you perform as an SO, being slowly drained?  

Yes a lot the issues are multiplied when alcohol is involved. At this point I don't know if a boundary will help. As she's said she is pretty much done with me in terms of a r/s. Though she may just be saying that because she is still angry at me, I don't know. Even though I am being slowly drained I think I perform pretty damn well as a SO. I've done things for I honestly don't think anyone will at all.

[real lady]

I am tired of being pushed away just to get her back. I'm tired of everything being my fault when it's not. It's takes two to Tango. I'm tired of seeing the things I try to and do for her just being thrown under the rug. She brought this stress upon herself I never said I wanted to leave her and if I have made her so unhappy this whole time, then just leave me alone and find someone who can.

congrats   ...I have found that NO CONTACT is best when they do the "push me pull you". She has "said her peace" and you have done what you need to do for yourself, she does not have to approve of your decision.

[sirhero]

So she texted me this morning say "her spine feels like it's going to fall out of her back". I didn't text back right away so she texted me again 8 minutes later asking "U alive". I responded about 10min after that saying "yes, sorry was busy". About an hour later she proceeded to ask me yet again, if I would help her out this week please... I haven't given her a concrete answer. My rescuer personality is saying yes the fact she brought this upon herself is saying no. The fact that I still want to be with her is also saying yes. The fact she may really need groceries for the kids is saying yes...I'm just so confused right now. I'm tired of not knowing where this is going. Or waiting for her to decide she wants me back.

[Auspicious]

Recycling isn't something that's done to you. It's something that you choose to participate in.