First personal boundary, first reality check for uBPDh

[Think About It...]

I have always been responsible for and managed all of the finances in our marriage.  I have supported myself prior to marriage, have the higher salary, debt obligations, and life experience that make me well qualified.  My uBPDh transitioned from living at home with his family, the military, living with his family and then with me.  My successful guardianship of our funds has allowed us to buy a house, maintain a comfortable lifestyle, pay our debts, maintain our home, pay or taxes and save for the unexpected not to destroy us.  Not rich by any means, but stable, not rigid and fun stuff within reason is planned for. It has been a source of conflict and blame through the years, yet my repeated expressions of concern and requests that he look at our circumstances and contribute his time and attention to this problem are met with resistance, avoidance, and then re-directed blame and shame to me.
We have been seperated for over two weeks now...our first.  Amongst other things the financial sword I held over him was brought up. I asked him how he felt about splitting our money equally, and establishing seperate accounts.  He agreed it was probably a good idea...then made a significant online purchases for yet more clothing. He spends impulsively without any knowledge or desire to know where we stand.  I decided I could not deal with this stress anymore.  I went to the bank, opened my own accounts and left him with over half of all of our resources.  It hurt him in no way, but I was accused of being sneaky because I didn't ask him to go as we had originally discussed.  He now has as much money at his own disposal as I do...to spend, make plans to move out or whatever he needs to do.  I presented him with an adjusted statement of our household expenses inclusive or auto insurance and the payment for the truck he drives for personal use (a gas sucking V8 that was purchase to tow our boat and tote trash).  I asked him for a percentage of the mortgage, electric and everything else to the grand total of 850 per month.  He was outraged and in disbelief. He sees this sum as "rent" for the one room he has retreated to without my insistence and despite my communicated gesture that this is still his home too.  Then he started to look at apartments and discussed his situation with a friend.  BIG REALITY CHECK.  I have given him the funds and my blessing to seek refuge from or do whatever he feels necessary to escape from awful, stingy, controlling, talk behind his back me. It is a relief to just manage what I have left without worrying or feeling angry about what he does.  I never asked for this job, the stress and utter responsibility of it and have asked repeatedly for his involvement to show him I was not intentionally trying to be selfish or prevent him from getting what HE wants.  Deaf ears, cold heart, my fault and limited dollars...Hmmm.  He says I'm more worried about money than our marriage...easy to say if you are "blameless" and have no concept of what it takes to survive and be responsible for yourself in the world.  I am relieved and have successfully negated one trigger that exists between us.
 

[chattycat]

I have always been responsible for and managed all of the finances in our marriage.  I have supported myself prior to marriage, have the higher salary, debt obligations, and life experience that make me well qualified.  My uBPDh transitioned from living at home with his family, the military, living with his family and then with me.  My successful guardianship of our funds has allowed us to buy a house, maintain a comfortable lifestyle, pay our debts, maintain our home, pay or taxes and save for the unexpected not to destroy us.  Not rich by any means, but stable, not rigid and fun stuff within reason is planned for. It has been a source of conflict and blame through the years, yet my repeated expressions of concern and requests that he look at our circumstances and contribute his time and attention to this problem are met with resistance, avoidance, and then re-directed blame and shame to me.
We have been seperated for over two weeks now...our first.  Amongst other things the financial sword I held over him was brought up. I asked him how he felt about splitting our money equally, and establishing seperate accounts.  He agreed it was probably a good idea...then made a significant online purchases for yet more clothing. He spends impulsively without any knowledge or desire to know where we stand.  I decided I could not deal with this stress anymore.  I went to the bank, opened my own accounts and left him with over half of all of our resources.  It hurt him in no way, but I was accused of being sneaky because I didn't ask him to go as we had originally discussed.  He now has as much money at his own disposal as I do...to spend, make plans to move out or whatever he needs to do.  I presented him with an adjusted statement of our household expenses inclusive or auto insurance and the payment for the truck he drives for personal use (a gas sucking V8 that was purchase to tow our boat and tote trash).  I asked him for a percentage of the mortgage, electric and everything else to the grand total of 850 per month.  He was outraged and in disbelief. He sees this sum as "rent" for the one room he has retreated to without my insistence and despite my communicated gesture that this is still his home too.  Then he started to look at apartments and discussed his situation with a friend.  BIG REALITY CHECK.  I have given him the funds and my blessing to seek refuge from or do whatever he feels necessary to escape from awful, stingy, controlling, talk behind his back me. It is a relief to just manage what I have left without worrying or feeling angry about what he does.  I never asked for this job, the stress and utter responsibility of it and have asked repeatedly for his involvement to show him I was not intentionally trying to be selfish or prevent him from getting what HE wants.  Deaf ears, cold heart, my fault and limited dollars...Hmmm.  He says I'm more worried about money than our marriage...easy to say if you are "blameless" and have no concept of what it takes to survive and be responsible for yourself in the world.  I am relieved and have successfully negated one trigger that exists between us.
 

[Clearmind]

chattycat - I would say that you are making steps to look after yourself.

Yes he may whinge about being hard done by ~ that is his to own and process. You may be holding conflicting thoughts - on the one hand feeling some guilt and obligation to his plight and on the other not caring? Facts are - he was spending more than his lion's share and now there are consequences. He may ask for money, he may ask for you to manage it for him, he may continue to blame you?

Where to from here chatty?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[chattycat]

I appreciate such a great thought provoking reply.  I'm still in a transitional stage of realizing part of what has gone wrong, my role in it and trying to gain an ounce of understanding denied to me in the past.  On second reading and appropriate reality check by responder I realize that I have negated the positive step I have taken at the expense of the possible consequences for my spouse.  I have more confidence in him than I previously conveyed and I really love him and want him to be happy and successful.  Vindictiveness has NEVER been part of my character, but I see it coming out now and I am not proud of this.  I feel it is the product of finally being pushed as far as my unestablished limits can tolerate and a reflection of the dirty tactics that have proven successful on me.  The "you can't beat them...join them..." mentality.  Definitely not me and I'm still in the process of figuring out who "me" is anymore.  I was asked where to now?
For all of the patience in my character that I am proud of, right now I don't feel patient.  I want to know ASAP if he has any desire to try and work things out with me or not.  I don't think he knows at this point and it would be wrong for me to push.  He has already state that counseling or medications are not an option.  I know I cannot help myself or our relationship without outside guidance.  I doubt he can either.  I really don't know at this time what the next step is other than taking care of myself and letting him know I care and our marriage is important to me.

[Clearmind]

I'm still in a transitional stage of realizing part of what has gone wrong, my role in it and trying to gain an ounce of understanding denied to me in the past.  On second reading and appropriate reality check by responder I realize that I have negated the positive step I have taken at the expense of the possible consequences for my spouse.  

In transition is a good way of explaining it. That transitional phase can feel confusing and I certainly help lots of conflicting thoughts and emotions for a while.

Am I the responder  . You can call me CM  

I have more confidence in him than I previously conveyed and I really love him and want him to be happy and successful.  

Yes and maybe more confidence/trust within yourself to set a boundary.

Vindictiveness has NEVER been part of my character, but I see it coming out now and I am not proud of this.  I feel it is the product of finally being pushed as far as my unestablished limits can tolerate and a reflection of the dirty tactics that have proven successful on me.  The "you can't beat them...join them..." mentality.  Definitely not me and I'm still in the process of figuring out who "me" is anymore.  

Its OK to be assertive chattycat ~ does it make you feel uncomfortable?

I was asked where to now?
For all of the patience in my character that I am proud of, right now I don't feel patient.  

Chattycat, if there is one thing I have learnt about myself is that I am mix of all kinds of emotions – among other things of course, this is who I am. I can get angry, I can be sad, I can be inpatient, frustrated, sad, happy, elated……you may get my drift. Its OK to show emotion and really feel it – even the intense stuff.

I want to know ASAP if he has any desire to try and work things out with me or not.  I don't think he knows at this point and it would be wrong for me to push.  He has already state that counseling or medications are not an option.  I know I cannot help myself or our relationship without outside guidance.  I doubt he can either.  I really don't know at this time what the next step is other than taking care of myself and letting him know I care and our marriage is important to me.

Are you in communication?

You feel a therapist will help you then that is great. Your healing and his are different – he needs to want to get help.

Choosing a Path - Lessons for members who are undecided about their relationships

[jessicapuppy]

Good for you Chattycat!   

I think you're very wise to do what you've done, as long as he pays you the agreed amount towards the house stuff.

I was once married to an alcoholic.  His selfishness could be remarkable!  I couldn't trust him to give me his share of the house money, so what I did was deduct that automatically each month in my own account, and then transfer to him, his share of the spending money, only.

JP
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