BPD and strange things, is this familiar?

[Think About It...]

Okay, so what are some of the odd and peculiar behaviors of BPD that are common?  My exBpdgf (I think ex, yes I'm still undecided sadly), had a number of them along with most of the standard common things that we are all too familiar with, but are these other things common?

-Kept her house dark most of the time, in fact many of the lights had burnt out bulbs for months on end.

-Was a disaster on special days of the year and holidays (I could guarantee that Christmas would be a gong show and something would trigger a wild mood swing and 3 or 4 days of ignoring me; birthdays were sht shows as well, always found some reason to be busy all day if it was my birthday and I barely got any communication and we were a 1500 to 2000 text per month relationship; on her birthday she would trigger some kind of fight and I felt I could not respond since it was her birthday (i.e. my ex wife called in the morning on her birthday to arrange something pretty normal with the kids, I missed the call but gf saw it and exploded "F*@k you and your wife!")

-We would have a wonderful time camping and then as soon as we started the long drive home it was silent treatment literally all the way home and dropping her off not a word was exchanged.  This happened several times and nothing I could imagine no matter how much I re-traced the time triggered it.

-She would claim that I didn't share my burdens enough with her so she could support me during the tough time i was going through.  But each time I did (she listened wonderfully and empathetically) but without fail the next day or within 2-3 days all hell broke loose and she would play the emotional avoidance, physical avoidance, and communication avoidance game, and probably end the relationship.  I learned that if I expressed my needs it actually triggered a relational meltdown within 3 days.

-destroyed and ruined or gave away my gifts to her during one of her many break-ups (or they were dumped on my doorstep).  If I had a jacket, a hoodie or a hat at her place, they would be given to a homeless shelter or hidden and kept, even when the break-up lasted only 4 days.  But, she insisted that I kept a pillow, a shirt or two at her house no matter what.  If we had a fight and I wanted my clothes I could not have them.  But when I was gone, she would end the relationship, keep a thing or two, and distribute the rest to the needy.

-and, for those of you who are experts in this, it is recognized that BPD people can flourish in public settings and social settings and are very charming.  But, My BPDgf was never really liked by women.  One of her best friends with whom she had several falling outs with called her a big fake.  That was what some of the women at my workplace said about her as well.  It was as though she had several persona's she could put on quite easily and convincingly.  It makes me wonder in hindsight if anything at all was real about her adamant claims of how much she loved me... perhaps those were fake persona's as well...

Has anyone else experienced this growing sense that all the persona's were fake?  Is that a part of BPD?

And of course, this was the tip of the iceberg only... as I am sure everyone already knows.

[Tanglefoot]

Okay, so what are some of the odd and peculiar behaviors of BPD that are common?  My exBpdgf (I think ex, yes I'm still undecided sadly), had a number of them along with most of the standard common things that we are all too familiar with, but are these other things common?

-Kept her house dark most of the time, in fact many of the lights had burnt out bulbs for months on end.

-Was a disaster on special days of the year and holidays (I could guarantee that Christmas would be a gong show and something would trigger a wild mood swing and 3 or 4 days of ignoring me; birthdays were sht shows as well, always found some reason to be busy all day if it was my birthday and I barely got any communication and we were a 1500 to 2000 text per month relationship; on her birthday she would trigger some kind of fight and I felt I could not respond since it was her birthday (i.e. my ex wife called in the morning on her birthday to arrange something pretty normal with the kids, I missed the call but gf saw it and exploded "F*@k you and your wife!")

-We would have a wonderful time camping and then as soon as we started the long drive home it was silent treatment literally all the way home and dropping her off not a word was exchanged.  This happened several times and nothing I could imagine no matter how much I re-traced the time triggered it.

-She would claim that I didn't share my burdens enough with her so she could support me during the tough time i was going through.  But each time I did (she listened wonderfully and empathetically) but without fail the next day or within 2-3 days all hell broke loose and she would play the emotional avoidance, physical avoidance, and communication avoidance game, and probably end the relationship.  I learned that if I expressed my needs it actually triggered a relational meltdown within 3 days.

-destroyed and ruined or gave away my gifts to her during one of her many break-ups (or they were dumped on my doorstep).  If I had a jacket, a hoodie or a hat at her place, they would be given to a homeless shelter or hidden and kept, even when the break-up lasted only 4 days.  But, she insisted that I kept a pillow, a shirt or two at her house no matter what.  If we had a fight and I wanted my clothes I could not have them.  But when I was gone, she would end the relationship, keep a thing or two, and distribute the rest to the needy.

-and, for those of you who are experts in this, it is recognized that BPD people can flourish in public settings and social settings and are very charming.  But, My BPDgf was never really liked by women.  One of her best friends with whom she had several falling outs with called her a big fake.  That was what some of the women at my workplace said about her as well.  It was as though she had several persona's she could put on quite easily and convincingly.  It makes me wonder in hindsight if anything at all was real about her adamant claims of how much she loved me... perhaps those were fake persona's as well...

Has anyone else experienced this growing sense that all the persona's were fake?  Is that a part of BPD?

And of course, this was the tip of the iceberg only... as I am sure everyone already knows.

[gina louise]

hello-I can empathize and add to this list also:

my BPDH took over items that were decidedly mine such as the pillow I slept on or my electric razor and brand new sonic care toothbrush!
he would always preface this by saying *you don't mind, do you?*  trying to guilt me out of my own stuff! I thought that was odd-go buy your own!

Also insisted I dispose of items that I liked or used that HE didn't approve of, use or find attractive.(clothing went to goodwill, we had to use the blanket or comforter HE had-not mine, he threw stuff out that I am only now finding out about-even gifts to me from others like candles or books that were on a closet shelf, and not in his way!)

He also made extravagant promises of trips/vacations, fancy dinners out ...but when time came to make actual reservations it was either up to ME to finalize-or we wouldn't go.
Plans changed in a heartbeat- no matter how much planning went into them, with NO explanation other than "I am tired, I am sick, or not feeling like it*

He continually promised to pay for things and then-oops-didn't have his checkbook or wallet. The whole time I paid-he would insist that he would pay me back...and then FORGET, until I had to ask for his IOU. Annoying as hell. I wanted a partner...not a child.

He would make lists of stuff he wanted ME to get for HIM! Never would ask what he could do for me. (again-more of a kid, than a partner)

AND ruined every shared holiday. Xmas and Valentine's day were particular targets of his wrath. Never got me a real card or flowers...not a shred of romance. used to send e-cards that were odd.

Didn't know how to buy a gift to save his life!(for anyone!) One birthday he got me a nerf toy that his kid wanted-and went as far as wrapping it up for me to open! to him it was just a joke.
So he and his kid took off with the nerf guns for like 10 minutes before they both got bored.
I am 51 not 15.(and he is older)

Could not give ME a genuine compliment, but would gush adoringly over people he has just met.
And was constantly fishing for compliments himself, it seemed like hourly!

Deciding after 15-20 minutes that we HAD to leave an hours long event or party because he was not comfortable or he was bored.

He ditched me in a dept. or grocery store almost every time we shopped together...or would SEND me on an errand in the store! Saying *why don't you go look for XYZ over there, while I get this...* hoping that I would wander off-so he would appear single. That was very ODD.

Yet, he was insistent that he *just wanted me to be happy*. REALLY?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[tailspin]

I saw so many strange things...

I almost always had to go to see him because he was "uncomfortable" at my house. 

He was afraid of the number 3 and any multiples of 3. 

I never met his "best friend" in the entire 4 years we were together. 

He kept me in a separate world from his friends and family and made a serious effort to keep us apart; when I did visit his family he insisted on being there with me "in case his parents did something weird"

Absolutely ragged on his co-workers yet "killed them with kindness" when at work

Constantly obsessed about his mother when she went on vacation; always worried that she would get "hurt"

One time after I invited him to a birthday party he painted me black and raged at me saying "you are trying to turn me into someone I'm not" and then 2 days later was happy as a clam without a word about the incident

Had a special desire to have sex on his parent's bed while they were away and he was "watching their house"; I said hell no

[redfeather]

Refused to speak on the phone..always texts.
Make elaborate vacation plans then just poof! not happening unless I did all the paying,planning. Oh and getting her to ACTUALLY go out of town? Have fun with that. Like dealing with a spoiled child.. Once there complain to me but wouldnt speak to my family at ALL (beach trip it was a disaster)
Forget my birthday wouldnt get me a thing. Or Christmas? a gong show indeed.
Now again as someone else pointed out: Why would we want these fruitcakes back? Hi!

[Clearmind]

Has anyone else experienced this growing sense that all the persona's were fake?  Is that a part of BPD?

  Tanglefoot.

BPD is an emotional/attachment disorder and cannot self regulate emotions. Borderlines revise the facts to fit their emotions - Reality is distorted.

Borderlines lack a self identity and are therefore boundary-less.

Tanglefoot, can you share where your relationship is at right now? You mention 'ex' and you are undecided.

[Tanglefoot]

Well I say ex but I post on undecided because I think I am still confused.  We have been here so many times before (recycle and painted black), but I find myself struggling because there has not yet been a formal diagnosis. The therapist got close but it was only one session and she was not a registered psych. To diagnose.

I guess no matter how much I know about BPD from all I've read, some fantasy in me is trying to make myself believe that 8 or 9 out of 9 symptoms is not enough. I need to hear it from a qualified person.

The other thing is the unbelievable amount I have invested in this. I gave my word during her lowest and most lucid momesnt where whe pleaded with me that no matter what don't abandon her etc. I am having an incredibly hard time releasing myself from this. I have had times over the last 6 months where in complete frustration I told her I am so done and I want my things back and she would not and actually gave off the feeling that she both needed and wanted me. It's funny how empowered I felt then that I was done for good after a day of madness. But when the normal ending occurs which is when she ends it (without actually ending it) but stops talking to me completely for a week or more it is then that I can't seem to let go. We are 3 weeks NC tomorrowand I guess it is as it always is ...on her terms and waiting for the usual reconnection and white paint etc.

I am telling myself that I am giving up hope for the last time, and by next Friday (we were supposed to go to a concert she wanted to surprise me with) if It is still no contact then I am going to entirely end all possibility of a future with her and go NC for good. I don't know why I haven't done this yet to be honest.  Tomorrow I see the counsellor we were going to start with and I am hoping that will help me with the facts o what I am dealing with so that next Friday I can sever myself from any hope that this will ever happen.

As I type this I realize that it probably sounds pathetic expecially since as a member of the helping profession, and since I am old enough to know better, I should. I probably should be in the topic of left already and hopefully I will be next week, but fo some reason right now I am craving words of authority on this disorder. I guess I crave te relationship still too, but that is my problem.

Wish me luck, and please talk sense into me. The few (and increasing in number) grey hairs I have ought to know better but, I've gone down a road and inveted in something I cannot easily walk away from.       

[Clearmind]

Tanglefoot - 5 of the 9 criteria are needed for a dx (diagnosis). If you feel like you are walking on eggshells you are most likely correct.

This is your decision and I do get how very conflicted it can be. This thread certainly lists some behaviors that I am sure would be concerning for you ~ these are the facts and she is who she is ~ this is the reality. The emotional part is hardest to grapple with.

There are tools you can use to help make the situation better if that is what you choose to do. It’s not a guarantee that it will diffuse every situation ~ this is also a reality we need to accept.

Many of us are care-takers by nature. We hold onto a tremendous amount of fear, obligation and guilt which can cause us to make desperate attempts to fix. Her recovery and your healing are two different things. She is the only one who can get herself help ~ you can only help you.

I commend you for seeking therapy and please consider checking in with us tomorrow to give us a run down on how you went