Lack of Identity & Social Anxiety?

[Think About It...]

Hi..I know the BPD often has no sense of identity. But after growing up with my mom I feel like I dont as well. Is this common? I feel like I was SO programmed to agree and not rock the boat that I never "found" who I personally am. I am about to be 25 years old, and I still find it so hard having relationships with people. By the way..I just recently found out what BPD is because my therapist said I need to read about it/etc because my mom is text book. I am married with a son..so I really only have a few close friends. But when I am around people I dont know well I find myself agreeing and even acting like them(wierd.. I know) I guess I was SO ridiculed and put down that I assume people won't like me if I dont? But I truly dont know how else to act..I guess I don't know how to be myself or what that even is because I never really got a chance to be myself. I am also constantly worried about what others are thinking about me etc. My mom was EXTREME with this! She always thought everyone was out to get her, bad mouthing, bad/evil people. We were VERY isolated..we had NO extended family in our lives(grandparents, aunts, uncles..etc) She would get a friend here or there but always end up fighting or hating them. She HATED every single..not exaggerating..every single friend me, my brother, or dad ever had and constantly tried to sababtoge our relationships. I was so shy in school(probably terrified of all the "evil" people) and really never talked to alot of people. I never spoke up for myself with her or anyone else. Then around 15 or 16 I guess I rebelled, started fighting her, drinking/smoking pot and using other drugs. Then at 21 I married my husband and got pregnant with our son and stopped self medicating. Now I'm stuck..still trying to figure out who I am/my personality! How do you figure this out as an adult? Is this normal? I get so worried that I will be ridiculed or not liked that I "pretend" or barely show any emotions at all and make it impossible for people to want to get to know me. Any advice would be great! THank!

[lm1109]

Hi..I know the BPD often has no sense of identity. But after growing up with my mom I feel like I dont as well. Is this common? I feel like I was SO programmed to agree and not rock the boat that I never "found" who I personally am. I am about to be 25 years old, and I still find it so hard having relationships with people. By the way..I just recently found out what BPD is because my therapist said I need to read about it/etc because my mom is text book. I am married with a son..so I really only have a few close friends. But when I am around people I dont know well I find myself agreeing and even acting like them(wierd.. I know) I guess I was SO ridiculed and put down that I assume people won't like me if I dont? But I truly dont know how else to act..I guess I don't know how to be myself or what that even is because I never really got a chance to be myself. I am also constantly worried about what others are thinking about me etc. My mom was EXTREME with this! She always thought everyone was out to get her, bad mouthing, bad/evil people. We were VERY isolated..we had NO extended family in our lives(grandparents, aunts, uncles..etc) She would get a friend here or there but always end up fighting or hating them. She HATED every single..not exaggerating..every single friend me, my brother, or dad ever had and constantly tried to sababtoge our relationships. I was so shy in school(probably terrified of all the "evil" people) and really never talked to alot of people. I never spoke up for myself with her or anyone else. Then around 15 or 16 I guess I rebelled, started fighting her, drinking/smoking pot and using other drugs. Then at 21 I married my husband and got pregnant with our son and stopped self medicating. Now I'm stuck..still trying to figure out who I am/my personality! How do you figure this out as an adult? Is this normal? I get so worried that I will be ridiculed or not liked that I "pretend" or barely show any emotions at all and make it impossible for people to want to get to know me. Any advice would be great! THank!

[notsureonbeinghere]

I have really similiar felings.  Trying not to rock the boat with my mom was (and maybe still is) a really driving force for me.  I don't know how much I am shy and struggle socially is because I'm naturally introverted and how much is because of what I learned/didn't learn from being in my family.

I've been maried for about two years, and my husband gives me freedom that's kind of foreign to me.  Like it's not a given that I'll go with him or he'll go with me if we're running errands or working out or visiting someone.  It's a reminder here and there that I'm choosing to go with him, and he chooses to come with me.

I am finding it kind of interesting figuring out who I am as an adult.  I'm not very good yet, like at work, voicing an opinion or trying to influence what happens as part of a team without getting stessed out and defensinve.  Still working on that.

But other things, like taking up interests and trying out different hobbies is fun--there is no pressue on getting graded on something or competing.  Who know I would enjoy running and weight lifting? (I was non-athletic).  I'm finding that I like fly fishing...

I still feel undecided about how to deal with relatives who I don't know or haven't seen because of how 'bad' they were to my mom and us?  At my grandma's funeral, one of my sousins gave me her phone number--maybe I will have coffee with he sometime?

[CalledaPerson]

I can understand what you're going through. I feel like, as a young child, I started out with having a little bit of an identity, but because my uBPD mother's violent identity was the only thing that mattered in my family, I learned how to stop having a personality as a method of survival. It took a LONG time for me to have a better understanding of my own identity and to express it. I had the same social anxiety you have when I was in my 20's and mostly just went along with what other people said or did. It took me a long while to be able to express my own identity and to demand appropriate boundaries around that. Even in simple things, like to make an example, if someone said they loved vanilla ice cream, I would never had said that I liked chocolate ice cream, I would have said something like, "Yeah, it's good, isn't it?" Now I would just say what I like and not worry if the other person liked it or not, because I know that the other person should not be that concerned about it. I just give that as a small example but there were a LOT of interactions like that where you are defining your identity as distinct from someone else's. It can take a long while to reduce the social anxiety, but you should be able to make a lot of progress if you work on it and give it time. I'm not saying I'm an extrovert or social bee at this point, but I'm to a point now where noboday calls me "quiet" anymore.

[borderlyme]

I am exactly the same way - and also about to turn 25!

My mother (and her BPDm who was always around a lot) always had a way of talking to me about myself - "you like this," "you're good at this," "you're bad at this..." ...she would tell me my preferences, my skills, etc., based solely on her own (faulty) observations, and so...I believed her. She told me I didn't like sports and wasn't athletic so I just assumed it was true...it took me until a few years ago to realize how much I LOVE exercising, and, while, without having much practice in the last 24 years, I'm not great at sports, I still really enjoy them!

My mom also made a huge deal out of my artistic skills. It took me until recently to realize that...I just don't really enjoy painting that much - to me it's pointless work (and being a perfectionist just makes it stressful) - I was just sort of brought up to think that was my "thing" and was criticized for not pursuing it.

I also wasn't "allowed" to be the smart one - they gave that title to my sister (who is also very smart!) and decided I would be the creative one. ...I've spent most of my life trying to fit into the roles they gave me and my whole life is sort of centered around being someone that I'm just not - I like to run and I want to get my phd and be a researcher and a professor and the only painting I want to do is on the walls!

Being raised the way I was, though, I think shaped a whole different part of my personality which probably wouldn't have been there if not for my parents' issues. My mother was so black and white all the time, plus my parents were so oil and water that my personality became wrapped up in being ambivalent - in always seeing shades of gray, in always seeing both sides of every argument, opinion, belief, etc. - my personality has become...not having a personality or identity; it's all I know, because not really having an opinion was the only way to survive growing up.

I think the best way to figure out who you are - and don't worry - plenty of people are still trying to figure it out even in their 80's! - is just trial and error. I have the worst social anxiety so I rarely ever interact with people besides my family (I would try harder but I have this illness situation on top of everything), but I've definitely noticed that the only way I ever sort of figure out details about my identity and what works and doesn't work for me is to take the social risks that I'm so afraid of - even if sometimes I feel like I have no idea what I'm even doing or saying and don't even know if I really believe what I'm saying...I feel like eventually it'll all come together.

[tuffis]

I was just thinking about this the other day as I feel exactly same way.  I always have a bit of questioning about whether I am BPD due to this concern --- so it's a relief to hear that other nons have these feelings as well.

Your post struck a chord with me and is very helpful because it makes sense that if you grow up catering your whole being to someone else, that their feelings, habits, emotions, likes, dislikes are what take precedence, then it's no wonder that our own sense of self would be missing.  To survive and be valued, the focus had to be on them. Thank you for bringing this topic up!

I don't have any advice as I am still struggling to figure out who I am and what my core is all about. But I wanted to lend my support that you are not alone in this feeling and I will be learning from responses right along with you. 

[GeekyGirl]

My T and I have discussed this quite a bit, and yes, it's possible that you are struggling with identity. Looking back, in my early-mid 20's, I did too. I was totally enmeshed with my parents, and as I got closer to 30 and met my husband, moved farther away, and became more independent, I found myself disagreeing with my parents more and more. This, as you might have guessed, hasn't exactly thrilled my parents. It's been kind of incredible, though, realizing that my political views, tastes, and outlook on life is different from what I'd been programmed to think. Like you all, my parents had ideas about what I should and shouldn't do.

I can't say whether age has anything to do with it, but separating myself from my parents has really helped me find out a lot about myself.

[RabbitInHeadlights]

I can really identify with how you're feeling. I've also been really isolated from my extended family & uBPD/NPDm has made it quite clear how she resents people & things that take (any) attention away from her too. I still find myself agreeing & not rocking the boat so automatically - its so frustrating!

When you're sucked in the BPD orbit, you aren't allowed to have an identity. CalledaPerson put this so well...

...because my uBPD mother's violent identity was the only thing that mattered in my family, I learned how to stop having a personality as a method of survival.

So how can you know who you are when you haven't been given the chance? Don't feel bad - we know how you feel

I went to a job interview a few years ago & had the horror of going through what you mentioned. The woman got really frustrated with me cos I was going through all the textbook 'right' things you're supposed to say in an interview. She kept saying, 'yeah, but, I'm really trying to get a sense of who you are'. Even when I said things I liked, she acted like it wasn't enough. I could tell by the disgusted look on her face she thought I was a little wuss who couldn't make a declarative sentence. As I left, she was outside the building having a smoko & when I waved good bye she just smirked at me. Eich! I was so humiliated!

Its horrible when you get judged by people who don't understand what you've gone through. I guess one just has to learn to switch off, but I'm still learning that one!  At least here we know what you're going through & understand how difficult it is to find your inner self

The only thing I can think in terms of advice is to self soothe & make time for finding out things you like & put up boundaries & help yourself to feel safe. But that's all IMHO, so what works for me might be different for someone else

[MidOfNine]

very thought provoking topic and thank you for surfacing this..I also applaud youI wish you continued self empowerment with this insight...good for you!

My question is "how does a lack of self identity interfere with our boundaries?" -   sometimes it is a daily struggle for me to be clear on my own boundaries...and I am thinking this may also be a self identify issues...I feel like when my boundaries are the weakest, so is my self identity, and that if I really was firmly grounded in knowing who I was, my boundaries would be much better.

I get so disgusted with myself with this! When I am feeling the most triggered by another person, this is when I have the greatest tendency to 'cave" and not respect my boundaries by taking the time to figure out what I feel and why, and then actiing upon this or sharing if appropriate. When this is happening, I feel like I have no self identity!