Another Q. What are the best books on parenting you have read?

[Think About It...]

Another question. I am so in love with being a mom and SOOO dedicated to not repeating the cycle of abuse of my childhood. That is pretty easy now because my son is a toddler. I worry when he gets older it will be hard for me to know the right way to handle situations, talk to him, etc. Because I obviously did not have a "normal" childhood I dont know all the healthy dynamics of a functional family. I have read alot of parenting books but am more interested in trying to find something for people who grew up in dysfunctional families and are trying to break the cycle..figure out "normal" Wondering if any of you have any suggestions? Thanks!

[lm1109]

Another question. I am so in love with being a mom and SOOO dedicated to not repeating the cycle of abuse of my childhood. That is pretty easy now because my son is a toddler. I worry when he gets older it will be hard for me to know the right way to handle situations, talk to him, etc. Because I obviously did not have a "normal" childhood I dont know all the healthy dynamics of a functional family. I have read alot of parenting books but am more interested in trying to find something for people who grew up in dysfunctional families and are trying to break the cycle..figure out "normal" Wondering if any of you have any suggestions? Thanks!

[sandpiper]

Good on you for wanting to do the best for your little one.
I think it helps to get a good grasp of the nature of abuse because some of what we've experienced is so subtle that we've taken it in, like the air we breathe, not knowing that its not healthy. It also helps you and your spouse to model better behaviour, because that's the most powerful influence on your child's development.
I'd suggest reading Beverly Engel's books - they're all good, but perhaps
* Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
* The Emotionally abusive relationship.
And with kids:
start with Penelope Leach's books i.e. 'Baby and Child' so that you understand your child's developmental needs & then work on communication and boundaries.
I particularly love this book - it's a text book for the family counselling class in the post-grad study program I'm applying to do next year. So I've been getting a bit of extra reading in.
'Raise your kids without raising your voice' - by Sarah Chana Radcliffe.
I used to work with toddlers - don't underestimate the importance of what happens right now. This is a point in your child's life when he is learning to understand boundaries (mostly by pushing them!) and to understand social norms.
Maybe start with the last book as it'll give you some practical skills you can use straight away.
When I worked with under 5's we were given a great bit of advice - never use the words 'no' or 'don't' unless it's an emergency - that way the child knows that it's a crisis word and won't have learned to tune out to it, so will stop what he/she is doing when you use it.
It was an incredible challenge at first, but worth doing.
Also - try to use a positive directive rather than a negative directive.
Negative directive - 'Sean! Get off the table, right now!'
Positive directive 'Sean! Put your feet on the floor, please. The table is for eating, not for walking on.'
If they ignore you the first time, instead of repeating the command, say 'Sean. Are you listening to me? What did I ask you to do?'
Give the child time to answer and if he gets it wrong say 'You must have been too busy to listen. Well, now that you are listening, I would like you to put your feet on the floor.'
Toddlers don't understand concepts like 'on' and 'off' and 'up' and 'down' so commands that include these sorts of terms can be very confusing for them. Hence the 'Duh?' expression from them when you say something that makes perfect sense to you, but you're actually speaking in complex terms that they haven't yet learned to understand.
If you can, try to use questions rather than commands.
i.e. if they are throwing a ball in the house say 'Is the ball an inside toy or an outside toy?'
if they say it's an inside toy, ask them 'What can happen if we throw things inside the house?'
The idea is to get them to think about consequences rather than you doing all the thinking for them.

It may well be that there's a parenting class or a toddler training group in your area - they are usually attached to the universities with the school of early childhood ed. Do some googling and see what you can come up with. Its a great way to get help from experts in the field and lots of them have group classes so that you can get to know other parents and develop friendships and get some support from other parents.
I'm so pleased you're doing this. So many parents just carry on doing what their parents did, without thinking, and sometimes it's people from our backgrounds who really do make the big effort to create change where it counts the most. I'd love to see every parent do a skills training course, and come back for support as their children go through different phases and life stages. It makes a huge difference, and it means that by the time your child is a teenager/young adult, you will have developed the kind of relationship that will make that entire period run so much smoother. 

[20yearslater]

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. 

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960 

I got a copy as a gift when my oldest was an infant, so I've been practicing their techniques since day one.  I now have the best kids ever (13 and 9) and such a great relationship with them both.  (Okay, okay, I know I'm biased.  But other adults seem to agree with me about how they're turning out.)

I had wonderful mothering from my mom in my early years, and great back-up from her mom, who was very present in our lives.  But my mom died when I was 10, leaving us with our narcissistic dad and, within a year, the woman he married -- who banished his kids to boarding school. 

All the things in "How to Talk" seemed really natural to me, I think because of what I'd experienced with my mom.  But it's been interesting to see how DH, who grew up with a freak show of a uBPDm and enabler dad, has had to be deprogrammed over the years about what good parenting is supposed to look like.  "How to Talk" was a great starting point for him, I think.

Hope that helps!

[BehindTheWall]

I also have How To Talk... It's helpful in that it gives you concrete tips and examples of right and wrong.

Another book that is helpful for us adult kids of pwPDs is The Emotional Incest Syndrome, by Patricia Love.  I had borrowed it from the library and recently bought it.  It's chock-full of very useful, practical information including specific lists of what healthy families do and what unhealthy families do and covers things like improving your marriage so you're not looking for your kids to fulfill your needs (and thus perpetuating the cycle of emotional abuse).

[sandpiper]

I've got 'how to talk so kids will listen', too, and I agree with the others, it's a great book.
 

[JustDucky]

I like the Ann Douglas books "The Mother of all Toddler Books" and "The Mother of all Parenting Books". 

[Sara M]

'Children the Challenge', and I can't
 remember the author...but, I just saw it a few months ago at my local book store.

It is about how natural consequences can be used to correct children's behaviors. It was life changing for me when I was raising my kids.
I now use it on my grkids with the same efficacy.

Sara

[Clearmind]

lm1109, what a lovely post!

I have had a session with my T about this very topic! And its two sided:

1. Sort myself out
2. Once sorted I am in a better place to raise a healthy child

I can recommend quite a few books for us personally and for healthy kids:

- The Power of Validation - Hall & Cook
- Connection Parenting: Parenting Through Connection Instead of Coercion, Through Love Instead of Fear ~ Pam Leo (awesome book)

[ShadesofGray]

I have a terrible memory, but I do remember this: Many years ago (at least 10) I was at a bed and breakfast, and met a wonderful couple. Somehow I got to talking about children with the woman. She couldn't recommend this book enough:

Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) by Foster Cline

[AnnieKat]

I help other people raise their children for a living.  :-)

As far as general discipline books, I love the ones mentioned...Parenting with Love and Logic (there are several...a general one, for teens, etc).  If you can find a class on L&L in your area, DEFINITELY do that.  It is a general mindset sort of thing, but super helpful with ready made responses for emotionally charged situations.  PLUS...it is effective.  I also love the Faber/Maslisch book (How to talk...) and their other one, "Siblings without Rivalry" should you have another child.  Not going to lie...there are very very very very few books that I recommend, let alone HIGHLY recommend, but that is one of the few.

I like the Michele Borba books...not everything she has works for me, but that's okay.

What I think you might really like is "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen.  The basic premise is to develop a strong relationship with your child at your child's level NOW...because that sets the stage for an open, trusting relationship as time goes on.

The thing is...and I will defend this to my dying breath...no parenting book or parenting method can take the place of YOU knowing YOUR child.  Your child, from the day he is born, tells you who he is and what he needs (even if we, as the adults, have trouble deciphering what these little bundles are telling us!).  If you pay attention to who he is and show him that who he is is loved, accepted, and seen by you...the parenting will come.  Nobody is perfect at it...but no book you read can tell you who he is. 

I think that's something that most of us never got...a parent who saw us as we were AND was able to say "I see who you are, I accept who you are, I love who you are." because a parent with BPD is incapable of allowing us to be self separate from them.

[Maude]

This is a great question! I'm not a parent and I've been searching for parenting books to recommend for clients, so I added all these books to my reading list.   

One book I'd recommend is "Love and Anger: the Parental Dilemma" by Nancy Samalin. It talks about how even the most loving parents occasionally get angry at their kids and how to handle your anger and correct the child's behavior without shaming the child. It gives lots of practical tools, like saying to your child, "I'm mad" not "You're bad." It has a section on breaking the cycle of abuse and talks about the importance of being understanding. It discusses things like how to handle power struggles, tantrums, and annoying teen behaviors. It talks about how to encouraqge your child to express his or her own anger in healthy ways instead of shaming them for being angry.

[chickadee]

"When Your Child Drives You Crazy", by Eda LeShan.

I found this book at a La Leche Leaque meeting and borrowed it when my son was 5 months old.  I loved it so much I bought my own copy.  It's the only book about parenting I ever needed.  I think it should be required reading for everyone who has kids. 

The reason this book changed my life is because it delves into the psychology of both parent and child.  When you understand the reason for your child's behavior, it makes it so much easier to decide how to deal with it.  There are many behaviors that kids will simply outgrow, as long as they know they are loved and cherished deeply by their grown-ups.  It's essential to know that children think and act differently than adults do, and it's critical for a parent to familiarize herself with normal child behavior.  LeShan stresses that often when our little one is getting on our nerves in a major way, it's because he or she is doing something that WE were punished for when we were kids, particularly when we didn't deserve that punishment.  Many of us on this board were raised by borderline and/or narcissistic parents, therefore we were often punished harshly just for doing things that are normal rather than "bad".  LeShan stresses the importance of always treating our children tenderly and lovingly, even when they misbehave.  Spanking is often unnecessary, and I feel that though it may produce the result you want in the short-term, it can lead to problems down the road.  Kids need discipline, but they deserve respect every bit as much as adults do.  I believe the word discipline means "teach", not "punish".  If you give your child enough respect, then when you ask him to respect you, it's a lot more likely he will.

I hope you'll try this book.  I'm so glad I read it, it really did change my entire perspective and I credit it with helping me to raise my son to be the fine young man that he is today.

[tryintogetby]

I have an incredibly strong-willed, ENTJ child.  The best book I ever read was "You Can't Make Me! (But I can be Persuaded...)"  By Cynthia Tobias. 

[katie111]

How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk

Adventures in gentle discipline

Something to consider, to help heal that part of yourself as you raise your kids, "raising your children, raising yourself" or something like that

Also, looking up gentle discipline books and connecting with API stuff and getting the PEOPLE in my circle (not just my head knowledge--the books are so important to help change the thinking, but it's even better to SEE and experience other people parenting appropriately)--connecting with like-minded people who support and LIVE the life you WANT is so important. 

[BehindTheWall]

Thanks everyone -- I've put several of these books on hold at the library.  TTGB, I have a strong-willed ENTP so "You Can't Make Me..." is on the list.

The thing is...and I will defend this to my dying breath...no parenting book or parenting method can take the place of YOU knowing YOUR child.  Your child, from the day he is born, tells you who he is and what he needs (even if we, as the adults, have trouble deciphering what these little bundles are telling us!).  If you pay attention to who he is and show him that who he is is loved, accepted, and seen by you...the parenting will come.  Nobody is perfect at it...but no book you read can tell you who he is. 

I think that's something that most of us never got...a parent who saw us as we were AND was able to say "I see who you are, I accept who you are, I love who you are." because a parent with BPD is incapable of allowing us to be self separate from them.

I second that -- all people are individuals, including our children, and what works for one child doesn't necessarily work for another.  My DD has already defied a lot of conventional wisdom. 

To that end, another book that I usually recommend but had forgotten about is "Nurture by Nature," which is a book about determining your child's Myers-Briggs type and adjusting your expectations/methods accordingly.  I don't agree with all their advice, but it's helped me with realizing how DD is different than I am and how to meet her needs that differ from mine.

Also, a word of caution -- kids need love and discipline, together.  I definitely err on the side of letting DD mouth off, whine, etc. because of my background (not being able to express myself and being used to letting uBPDm say all kinds of stuff to me), but DD's T has told me that being too lax and letting her have too much control is damaging to her self-esteem.  Kids want to know that their parents love them, but also that their parents are in control.  There have been many times that after I've stood up to DD and disciplined her, she has suddenly relaxed and we've had a time of cuddling and closeness -- as if she wanted to know that I would stand up to her, and once I did she felt secure.