uBPDx asks "can we be friends"

[Think About It...]

After an extinction burst, and 10 months of nonsense

my replacement announced a few weeks ago.

and tonight he asks "can we just be friends"


guess he doesnt like this LC

since i cant do NC.

I was speechless, and so said NOTHING>

I found it interesting to maintain my state of "NO CONTACT" with him asking to be frinends in my entryway.

whats he doing?

[nona]

After an extinction burst, and 10 months of nonsense

my replacement announced a few weeks ago.

and tonight he asks "can we just be friends"


guess he doesnt like this LC

since i cant do NC.

I was speechless, and so said NOTHING>

I found it interesting to maintain my state of "NO CONTACT" with him asking to be frinends in my entryway.

whats he doing?

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there

When you find out, will you let me know please?  My ex is doing exactly that same thing.

I have heard that they do not like to believe a person is completely out of their lives.

I've heard that he might be wanting to keep his options open.

I've heard that he could be playing games with me.

I have to be in touch with my ex for work and so LC is the best I can manage.  I keep things very brief and to the point, and don't respond to anything not work related. 

JP
x

[ivebeenhereb4]

What's he doing? he don't know what he's doing, he's disordered...
"I have heard that they do not like to believe a person is completely out of their lives.

I've heard that he might be wanting to keep his options open.

I've heard that he could be playing games with me."

I think all the above statements are true, and I have heard (and believe) that if they can still be friends with you it makes them feel better about themselves, something like, "I can't be all that bad they are still my friend".

Friendship is built on respect and trust, they will destroy those things over and over and over if you let them...

[jessicapuppy]

I think all the above statements are true, and I have heard (and believe) that if they can still be friends with you it makes them feel better about themselves, something like, "I can't be all that bad they are still my friend".

Friendship is built on respect and trust, they will destroy those things over and over and over if you let them...

Yep, I think you're totally right. 

He will say some huge sweeping statement, like 'I hope one day you can not hate me'.  I'm certain it's so I'll say I don't hate him, and he can feel better about what he did to me.

He wants to be my friend, but I don't trust him, and I've lost respect for him.  What sort of friendship would that be?

JP
x

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[OnceConfused]

tonight he asks "can we just be friends"

Your healing will start when you can see him for who he really is - with no attachment. So "can you be friend with him?"

If you continue to see him as enemy then you really really let the past take over your precious present moments. Be friend does not mean you have to break bread with him ... but you can see him in a neutral position like a total stranger you meet on the street - no love, no hate , just no feeling.

When he calls, you can be nice but cut the conversation short. When he asks for help, you can smile but ask him to seek help elsewhere.

Be friends here only implies to be in a neutral state.

[jessicapuppy]

Yep, those were my thoughts exactly, but what he wants is me to be his 'best' friend.  He wants all of the attention and comforting that he was getting in the relationship.  Not going to happen!

[cocobell]

I also don't understand why my ex wants to be my friend.

Six months ago he dumped me. He said he still wanted to see me. That he wanted us to be good, close friends. That he doesn't have many close friends.

For a couple of weeks we had no contact and then I cracked and messaged him. It was what he said about not having many close friends. It made me feel sorry for him.

The way he managed to make me feel sorry for him even as he was dumping me is genius, right?

So for a while, even though I was feeling all kinds of pain, I thought I would give him this friendship that he wanted. This hasn't seemed to work for a couple of reasons...

1. That it upsets me to meet up with him purely as a friend when this is still not really the way I feel about him. (And he knows this, actually.)

2. That he doesn't even seem to be interested in being a good friend to me. The last time I saw him he was quite mean to me at times. He tried to play mind games and tie me in knots just like he always has done. He doesn't seem to want to show genuine care or concern about me, or even basic respect at times. I'm wondering in what way he considers me a friend.

Since I decided to do NC I have not heard from him, so it seems that his idea of friendship doesn't extend to messaging me or asking how I am. So I suspect when he said, can we be good friends, he meant, can you please run after me the way you always did. I know that now I am not doing this any more, it will be taken badly by him and used as 'proof' that I never liked him anyway. Exhausting.

And I am still angry with him for dumping me and all the things he said and did to hurt me.

It ain't a friendship...

CB

[yianks69]

and tonight he asks "can we just be friends"

The reason they want to remain friends is that they want to keep you in a stand-by mode which proves, one more time, that pwBPD don’t have deep feelings as everything they do it’s superficial with no real meaning to them. Hence their constant changes from one second to another if (God forbid) they don’t have their unrealistic emotional demands met.

Since everything they do is about them, then is very dangerous to accept remaining friends in hope that they will see the light. For them to eventually understand their bad and abusive behavior is like expecting from an elephant to start speaking.

Don’t fall into their trap as remaining friends is in complete contrast with NC which is the ONLY way of moving on and avoid being held hostage for the rest of your life.

Take care of yourself, pwBPD can’t be real friends who will offer their undivided support and understanding. They didn’t do that when we were with them, they’re certainly incapable of doing it now.

[dah1029]

It's no wonder they don't have friends if they treat them the way they've treated us.  The deserve to have no friends.  My 2 ex's that I believe had BPD also had very few friends.  And those frienships were very superficial in my opinion.

And the only reason they can be "friends" with us is because they weren't emotionally involved like we were.  My recent ex was on dating sites less than 3 months after his "very much loved" wife of 18 years died!  And I met him 4 mos after she died.  I saw the red flags but he kind of consumed my life and pushed his way in.  Need to work on mainatining boundaries as you can all see.  Common sense told me if I loved my mate and had been with her for 18 years, it would be many years before I was ready to start over.  But he just needed to find someone to fill his empty soul-- which is impossible.  I was dumped after 2 years of being used as soul supply.  They're exhausting.  And a true friend would never do to us what our ex's did to us.  He's not a friend I would want in my life. 

[turtle]

tonight he asks "can we just be friends"

Your healing will start when you can see him for who he really is - with no attachment. So "can you be friend with him?"

If you continue to see him as enemy then you really really let the past take over your precious present moments. Be friend does not mean you have to break bread with him ... but you can see him in a neutral position like a total stranger you meet on the street - no love, no hate , just no feeling.

When he calls, you can be nice but cut the conversation short. When he asks for help, you can smile but ask him to seek help elsewhere.

Be friends here only implies to be in a neutral state.

This statement about seeing him as the enemy is soooo true.  In fact, this whole post is right on.

Just beware that that while YOU may want to get to a neutral state, your ex is likely incapable of that.  "Friend" to him may mean something completely different than it means to you.  I know for me, I don't consider people that I feel completely neutral about to be "friends."  They may be acquaintences, or people I must deal with, but they aren't "friends."  When crazyx used to bring up the "friend" question, I would ask him "what does being "friends" mean to you?"  He had a different answer every time.

For me, I can never be "friends" - neutral or otherwise - with my ex because he is not capable of that kind of situation.  I know that to be engaged with him in ANY way will only bring me harm.  And...that's after being out of the chaos and drama for TEN years.  I don't need "friends" like that.

I wouldn't put too much energy into trying to figure out what he's doing.  Whatever HIS definition of "friends" is, it's probably not the same as yours.  And tomorrow...he will have changed his mind anyway or he'll do something that leaves you wondering why you wanted to be friends with someone who is so damaging to you.

JMO

turtle

[nona]

this is a man , my child's father

our child watched me set a boundary with for our sanity and safety

it took taking a new residence and NC to establish this boundary of safety.

as i make choices of who i am going to decide to be friends with, My child is in training, watching me very closely for clues and examples about this decision making process.

child is watching me closely around child's father

I have set an example of establishing safety, boundaries and careful selection of those i choose to trust as friends.

although i comply with the courts and wish our child well for the 50/50 residential time, I do not feel like or do I believe I am dropping our child off at a safe friend's house.

even if it is childs father and all the happy horses**t crap about equal parenting. Im sending child against my instincts, against my knowledge and commonsense to this guys house because I am in a very small crooked patriarchal system and uBPDx is the public figure here.

the whole community would be so much happier, and UBPDX?NPDX would be happier with his supply back , if I would just be friends.

I am tinking i can be friendly, but not friends and i certainly am in  the fog if I am considering explaining iot to HIM.

[yianks69]

If you continue to see him as enemy then you really really let the past take over your precious present moments. Be friend does not mean you have to break bread with him ... but you can see him in a neutral position like a total stranger you meet on the street - no love, no hate , just no feeling.

Wise words. This is a classic mistake that pwBPD do when they paint their exes black and undergo silent treatment. It takes so much energy for them to hate and see another human being as their enemy. It’s an everyday struggle which prohibits them from living in the present as they are only concentrated in the past in order to feed the hate.

Hence, it’s really impossible to remain friends with these people as they will still have their push/pull cycles, rages, lies and manipulations. They live in pain and they will project that hurt to us whether we are friends with them or romantically involved.

[jessicapuppy]

this is a man , my child's father

our child watched me set a boundary with for our sanity and safety

it took taking a new residence and NC to establish this boundary of safety.

as i make choices of who i am going to decide to be friends with, My child is in training, watching me very closely for clues and examples about this decision making process.

child is watching me closely around child's father

I have set an example of establishing safety, boundaries and careful selection of those i choose to trust as friends.

although i comply with the courts and wish our child well for the 50/50 residential time, I do not feel like or do I believe I am dropping our child off at a safe friend's house.

even if it is childs father and all the happy horses**t crap about equal parenting. Im sending child against my instincts, against my knowledge and commonsense to this guys house because I am in a very small crooked patriarchal system and uBPDx is the public figure here.

the whole community would be so much happier, and UBPDX?NPDX would be happier with his supply back , if I would just be friends.

I am tinking i can be friendly, but not friends and i certainly am in  the fog if I am considering explaining iot to HIM.

I completely understand what you are saying, and if it were my child, i do not think I would be happy about leaving them with their personality disordered father (depending on the severity of the disorder, of course)

JP
x

[samsara]

tonight he asks "can we just be friends"

Your healing will start when you can see him for who he really is - with no attachment. So "can you be friend with him?"

If you continue to see him as enemy then you really really let the past take over your precious present moments. Be friend does not mean you have to break bread with him ... but you can see him in a neutral position like a total stranger you meet on the street - no love, no hate , just no feeling.

When he calls, you can be nice but cut the conversation short. When he asks for help, you can smile but ask him to seek help elsewhere.

Be friends here only implies to be in a neutral state.

Absolutely!

My ex has a new GF, he even brought her over to the apt. we used to share (separate rooms, it was fine with me... long story).  He literally stood in front of me, all teary eyed, and said he hoped that we could still be friends.

but yeah.  "Friend" implies that he can still text me when he's bored, but I can also choose to block him if he starts getting shaky with my boundaries.   "Friend" in our situation is merely "not an enemy".  It seems to cause him some amount of angst to think that I might speak ill of him to other people, obsessed that I going to think of him as "bad", but the truth is that me letting him into my life in the first place was like offering a vampire to enter your home.

Friend does not mean you have to hang out, be their BFF, etc.and it can be whatever YOU want it to mean really.  To THEM it means you're not spending all your leisure time making voodoo dolls of them and posting nasty things about them on FB (which is what THEY would do.. well... yeah..)

They don't really think in logical terms.

[dah1029]

Samsara--  I agree with you but I still have a hard time with the "friends" thing.  It angers me to be used for someone's narcissistic supply when they're in need.  I'm just tired of this person using me.  So I'm trying to decide what my approach will be when we have to interact in public.  For now I think I just want to be polite, appear friendly, brief verbal exchange, and go our separate ways.

I'm not sure that they deserve our "friendship".  Because I'm a great friend.  I'm still trying to figure this one out.  My kids and I really felt alot of pain over him dumping us. 

[samsara]

Samsara--  I agree with you but I still have a hard time with the "friends" thing.  It angers me to be used for someone's narcissistic supply when they're in need.  I'm just tired of this person using me.  So I'm trying to decide what my approach will be when we have to interact in public.  For now I think I just want to be polite, appear friendly, brief verbal exchange, and go our separate ways.

I'm not sure that they deserve our "friendship".  Because I'm a great friend.  I'm still trying to figure this one out.  My kids and I really felt alot of pain over him dumping us. 

Well my situation is different in that I ended the relationship with my ex, but I will say that I have no intention of seeking out contact with my ex after I move away.

I'm not looking for "friendship" how any healthy person would define it - that's something my ex doesn't know how to do.   He's never been a real "friend" to me, and to other folks he calls his "friends" - the interactions are just bizarre to me.   His "friends" drift in and out of his life without any particular effort on his part to interact with them, etc.  The 2 guys he stays in touch with are more or less troubled souls themselves who have had trouble with the law and/or are "fringe" characters.   In other words, not particularly healthy people.

Yeah, I can tell him that I'll be his "friend" which means I wont block him on my cell, and wont "un-friend" him on FB, but I have filters set up on FB now where most of what I post is to a group of folks that he is not included in (i.e. my real friends).   This is pretty much all it means - because if I say otherwise he'll just cling and cry and try to "talk about it" to me (despite having a new girlfriend).  The one NP trait that this man has is he hates to think someone is talking "trash" about him (he obsesses about it).

As I said, I don't think they (untreated) really grasp what it means to be a real friend to anyone

[Kentucky1]

I responded to my ex regarding her question about being friends. I stated in a letter we can't be friends because we were not friends when we dated. I stated I have alot of female friends who I have not dated that are true friends. She never liked my female friends because she viewed them as a threat because they were genuine and attractive. I still spent time with my female frends and she knew she could not control me. I realized I had better boundaries than I thought.

BPD can really read you. She said I know you have lost feelings for me. Obvious when I would not be intimate, accept or calls, or rejected her kiss. I know it sounds harsh, but I was done. I refuse to stay with someone childlike and who tells me to get over my mom's death. I am worth more than that.

All of you who were in a relationships with a BPD...YOU ALL ARE WORTH MORE AND DESERVE MORE. THERE ARE BETTER OPTIONS. Trust me, we all have better options. They know it and can't stand it.

We both went to a Counselor of which I am still seeing to work on my own issues (reason I got into this mess). he said she has alot of problems.

[dah1029]

When all is said and done, when they ask "can we still be friends?", I want to know why?  Really, what's the point? 

[yianks69]

When all is said and done, when they ask "can we still be friends?", I want to know why?  Really, what's the point? 

I know it’s a rhetorical question but you can easily answer it if you look at it from their perspective and realize that everything they do is ‘what’s in it for me’.

Don’t be surprised if one of the reasons they want to keep you as friend is to hurt you (and get satisfaction out of it) by showing you they have easily moved on with their lives.

That’s how pathetic they are.

[Whatwasthat?]

Hi Nona

It must be hard to work out what kind of relationship to create with your ex  when you're forced by your situation - as you are - to remain in contact because of your child.

I agree though with all who have posted here that whatever that relationship should be it probably isn't what you or I would call 'friendship'.

My pdtraits ex wanted to be 'friends'.  It made me gasp - I tried to make him understand that he had really hurt me.But he really had no sense of how I might feel. That's why he could ask to be 'friends'. Why on earth would I want to be friends with the person who's probably hurt me more than just about anyone else?

Also he has a terror of being alone and he doesn't have many friends. Again as others have said this request is usually all about the need to fill an emotional void and a lack of understanding of our feelings - not proper sharing of friendliness. In fact that's the view some children have of friendship isn't it? They just want to grab others to be part of their 'gang' and make them feel good about themselves.