Fear of being alone

[Think About It...]

Sometimes i feel like dd equates abandonment with disapproval or not living up to what I expect.  Here is an example.  Dd has gained a lot of weight from the meds.  This is very distressing to her number one because she is a seventeen year old girl and society tells them that you need to be thin to be perfect. Secondly Dd is  built more like my husband, she is a bigger frame than me and her sister.  I am only five one and I weigh one hundred pounds, yes I am tiny and very small framed. When I am upset or nervous i can't eat so losing five pounds can happen for me in a matter of days.  Dd and I joined a gym and having been taking classes.  On Saturday we took a zumba  class and dd could only make it half way through the class. I thought she left to go to the bathroom but after fifteen minutes I got a little nervous and i found her sitting outside looking sad.  She said I can't do anymore so I said that's ok this was our first class and she said yea but you were doing it.  So I just explained no I hung in there for you and when you didn't come back I came to see if you were ok. That was too much for me too.  This morning we had planned to take a spin class together but she hadn't slept well last night.  When she came downstair and I was dressed to go she said she didn't think she could do it today.  That is when I saw that same look of abandonment on her face as if if she didn't live up to what I expected I would be angry.  Angry equals abandonment to her.  So instead of trying to make her come or feel guilty if she didn't I simply said that's okay there will be days when you want to go and m not up to it, shunting you try to get some sleep. I intently saw her mood lighten.  "okay, mom, have fun wake me when you get home.  So I think her fear of abandonment comes in many forms.
Griz
 

[griz]

Sometimes i feel like dd equates abandonment with disapproval or not living up to what I expect.  Here is an example.  Dd has gained a lot of weight from the meds.  This is very distressing to her number one because she is a seventeen year old girl and society tells them that you need to be thin to be perfect. Secondly Dd is  built more like my husband, she is a bigger frame than me and her sister.  I am only five one and I weigh one hundred pounds, yes I am tiny and very small framed. When I am upset or nervous i can't eat so losing five pounds can happen for me in a matter of days.  Dd and I joined a gym and having been taking classes.  On Saturday we took a zumba  class and dd could only make it half way through the class. I thought she left to go to the bathroom but after fifteen minutes I got a little nervous and i found her sitting outside looking sad.  She said I can't do anymore so I said that's ok this was our first class and she said yea but you were doing it.  So I just explained no I hung in there for you and when you didn't come back I came to see if you were ok. That was too much for me too.  This morning we had planned to take a spin class together but she hadn't slept well last night.  When she came downstair and I was dressed to go she said she didn't think she could do it today.  That is when I saw that same look of abandonment on her face as if if she didn't live up to what I expected I would be angry.  Angry equals abandonment to her.  So instead of trying to make her come or feel guilty if she didn't I simply said that's okay there will be days when you want to go and m not up to it, shunting you try to get some sleep. I intently saw her mood lighten.  "okay, mom, have fun wake me when you get home.  So I think her fear of abandonment comes in many forms.
Griz
 

[Reality]

My son tells me that he can tell what I am feeling and thinking by watching my eyes, something to do with the direction in which I am looking, instead of directly at his face.  He also becomes very angry/ impatient with me, when I am multi-tasking.  I had to multi-task when I was working full-time.  Oh dear!  Was this the beginning of the disappearance of my son?  Maybe not for others, but for me, it was a problem, as I am very high-strung.  Good word.
I think any criticism, even slight disapproval is devastating to my son.  I did become rather cut and dried when he started moving off the beaten path, which now I think probably fed into the storm.  Not blaming myself, as I truly did the best I could have.  It must have been terrible for him, though.   It is amazing to me that he still puts up with me.  I keep admitting to him where  I messed up big-time and it seems to have cleared the air between us and makes me more relaxed, as I can just tell it like it is.  I am trying to figure out all of my mistakes, so that I remain conscious of my own failings.  It makes the playing field somewhat fair.  And keeps everything in perspective. This deal isn't black and white. 
I am finding all of the posts in this thread very helpful.  Thank you all.
Reality
Battle Weary
I'm liking the idea of a list of triggers.  What surprises me most of all reading our threads is how much our pwBPD have in common.
Griz
Your story sparked my thinking about family similarities.  I know this might be way out there, but I wonder if the differences between our pwBPD and his/her same gender parent is a trigger for BPD.
My son is so my side of the family, not my husbands.  In looks, as well.  In fact, you wouldn't believe he belongs to my husband.  Does this play into the difficulty that adopted children face, making them more vulnerable as well.  Musings, but I am curious.

[qcarolr]

For my DD I think being adopted gives her some long standing abandonment issues that she has never been able to work through. I know recently she has been trying to use the internet to find her family - maybe just her siblings (she has an older brother and sister). She was taken into a cradle care family at 1 day and placed with us at 3 weeks. We were always very open with her about being adopted with siblings. She felt defective because she was given away and the older two were still with the biomom. Maybe she is trying to find out if the others were eventually adopted as well. She has a friend, also adopted, that looks so much like her and is a year older - people call them 'sisters'.

Just thinking ---

qcr  

[heronbird]

qcarolr,
my best friend who is adopted tried to find her birthmum when she was about 17 to 20, that was 30 years ago now. But she didnt find them, then she decided not to bother becaues she was too scared that her birth mum would reject her again.
  So she never ever did contact her. She has always struggled with being adopted.

Reality, can you say what you ment when you said in your last bit about same gender parent being a trigger for BPD please.

Who is your son closser to you or his dad.

I am very similar to my dd in looks and personality and she seems to get on best with me, but that could be just a normal mother daughter thing.

[Reality]

heronbird
I wasn't very clear.  Sorry.  It is just that my son is so unlike hi sfather in appearance, talents and temperament and I wondered if that somehow played into the mess of BPD.  Because my husband is so unlike my son, I thought maybe that made it more difficult for my son, as he didn't have a role model and my dh hasn't understood the issues often. 
Reality

[cfh]

I was just diagnosed with very early stage uterine cancer.  With surgery I should have no complications and be considered cancer free.  I had to tell my BPDson (28) and ever since he keeps asking me if I am going to die. We have talked about it and I have been very honest about my excellent prognosis but he is scared that I will die and he will be alone.  I understand how he feels and I even thought of not telling him but in the end I thought it best to be honest.
Our kids are so fragile.

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[almostvegan]

I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis and will send good thoughts out there for your recovery.
Fragile is right.
Best.

[griz]

cfh:  I will keep you in my prayers and know that all will be okay.

Griz

[mikmik]

Griz

my dd has a lot of weight gain too from meds and emotional eating.  Being over weight on top of this disorder is very hard for young women.  Family doc says she needs to loose weight for health.  She belongs to a local fitness club, but feels very "ugly" there.  Folks at this place are very encouraging and supportive, so she loves to go, but suffers mild panic attacks just before she leaves (because she feels so fat), and these attacks derail her a few times a week, which gets in the way of loosing weight, and on and on.  When I ask her why she just doesn't go, cuz she feels better about herself afterwards, she gets very angry.  I wonder if she feels I am abandoning her by not "accepting" her as she is?  Your story of working out with your dd sounds so familiar.  With my dd, Before BPD kicked in, she was active, thin, had a lot of energy.  Age 12, began the major symptoms AND emotional eating on top of meds, weight gain, isolation, and no activity.  I think the common thread here is their need for our unconditional love, which is exhausting at times.  They need it more than most it seems.  If there is a hint we don't accept them (I think pwBPD can smell honesty and lies a mile away), or love them, or won't  be there for them, it triggers abandonment, and the anger and rages.  They fear our love leaving them, in both the physical and emotional manifestations.  How do we get them to find self acceptance and self love (not self obsession!) so they can be OK with themselves and not need us to the degree they do?.  I remember when she was a baby, I could hardly put her down without her crying.  Doc said just let her find a way to "self sooth".  Guess I am still trying to help her find a healthy way to "self sooth"!

mikmik

[mikmik]

cfh,

glad to hear your surgery will rid you of the cancer.  Never-the-less, it is scary and unfair.  I hope and pray for the best outcome and a speedy recovery.  And more than that, I hope your kid can see that you can come through a very dark time and heal.  I hope you will be his inspiration.

mikmik

[Battle Weary]

cfh,
Glad to hear you have such a positive prognosis.  Can't help but be a bit scary though--my best wishes for a speedy recovery.

[heronbird]

cfh,  glad you will be ok.
Reality,
interesting theory. I think differently, we have 4 children, 2 like my personality and 2 like dh, I get on better with the ones like my dh, dh has more patience and gets on better with the 2 who are like me.
Does that make sence. Well, its funny really because my son can annoy me, then I think, uh oh, thats just like me
You will always think it was hard because your son didnt have dad around, but I guess we just have to accept and make best of it all, what life throws at us eh. but you already know all this

[peaceplease]

cfh,

I am sorry to hear that you have cancer. I am glad that you have a good prognosis and a good attitude.  Having a good attitude is really helpful in recovery. 

In 2006, I was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma. (kidney cancer)  I told my dd, and she was fine.  I told her that surgery would get rid of it, and I would be fine.  She seemed to be fine.  I was optimistic, as I would not need chemo or any further treatment.  They were just removing a kidney.  But, then I learned it was not cancer.  The dr. still removed it, and said that he did not thnk it looked like cancer.  He believed that it was lesions from my chronic illness.  Final pathology showed that it was that - no cancer.  I was a little upset that I lost a kidney for nothing, but they had no way of knowing.  I had a biopsy that showed positive, but final pathology said negative for cancer.  I learned to be extra cautious if I get another cancer diagnosis.  I had lung xrays that indicated cancer.  But, I told them I felt they were wrong.  And, I was right! (darn lesions that look like cancer, but NOT) So, I think my dd knows not to freak out over cancer when it comes to me. 

Keep up your good attitude.  My eldery mother just beat lymphoma. (common cancer in the elderly) She still has radiation to go through, but is all done with her chemo.  Actually, my dd was more upset about me not being available for her, as I was with my mother.  She really tried to make me feel bad telling me that my gs said that I must not love them anymore.  I really don't know if that was really coming from him, or if it was just her trying to make me feel guilty.

My best wishes for a speedy recovery.   

peaceplease

[j's friend]

wishing you all the best cfh