He wants to kill a BPD from work who raged at me, but carries on himself

[Think About It...]

I thought that H's rages were getting better, but tonight I'm in shock. Three days ago, a colleague raged at me about a trivial matter - work is supposedly dealing with this as there is a history of it against other women - before I was there and I didn't know. I don't know what the outcome will be. It's been a very difficult week all round as I also found out that my Mum's cancer is back and she has to have very strong chemo this time. As she's carer for my ill Dad, it's a mess. Other issues are also getting to me.

So I was very upset about what happened at work, and told H, who was gentle but furious and threatened to kill this guy. I had to not tell him who it was in case he turned up to batter him, which he keeps offering to do. I've been frightened about being alone with this guy, so went into work very late today. H knew that I was upset about my parents and what happened at work, plus other stuff that's not worth going into. This morningI kept crying about my Mum (more bad news last night), I even told him that i wasn't coping and would need to increase my anti-Ds. I'd said to him earlier this week that it was funny how he felt about someone else raging at me, but it was OK for him - he looked shocked, and has been very gentle since - until tonight.

So this evening, our D4 told us that another child (also 4 or 5yo) at nursery had kicked her - she wasn't hurt, and not particularly upset. H's reaction was to tell her that she needs to point out the parents of this child, then instantly raged that he would 'f***ing punch them in the face'. I asked him not to swear, or shout at us (D4 came running to me). He got worse and worse so I asked him to leave the house to cool down - he thought I meant leave so got worse and worse - swearing, calling me names - b**** - in front of D4, and then seemed to get a bag to leave, and left. D4 broke down in tears before he left, saying she doesn't like it when Daddy yells at Mummy, but stopped with some cuddles and talking while he was out of the room. He called her over, and told her goodbye and have a nice life. I worked very hard to cheer her up, but I guess she didn't really understand what he meant anyway. He left for 2 hours, came back, ignored me, went to sleep for a bit in the same room we were talking and watching TV. Then we left to play some PC games, he followed us up, came and hugged us both, weeping and left again. I put D4 to bed. I think he's asleep.

What do I do now? I've told him before he needs help, he agreed to marriage councelling if I went too, and then back-tracked. I'm not sure we can afford it anyway. Why am I with this guy? 8 Years together,  married, and I think he's getting better, then wham!

A week ago, he was leaving us because he's homesick and 'fat and useless' in the UK (he's from a different country - no family). He was sleeping all the time, and miserable, but didn't rage at me. Before that we'd been getting on well, but I work long hours and probably he's lonely - he hasn't looked for work for months. Since the work incident, he's been great, and we've talked loads. He'd told me that he wasn't going to leave. I try to pretend to myself it doesn't bother me when he's this depressed, but of course it does.

I know I'll get an apology from him tomorrow, but not sure I want one. I'm scared to leave, don't want a mostly great father taken away from D4, everything is in my name, so he'd be left with nothing. I don't know what to do. I feel that I am a very level-headed calm, friendly person, though I do get depressed through circumstances. I don't deal with comfrontation well. We moved 6 months ago due to my job, and don't have any support system here. When he's calm, he's a wonderful husband and father, but I know the signs - the house is spotless, projects are being done, he's restless, then the depression, and sometimes that's it, others it's the silent treatment, others it's raging, sometimes all three.  Is it me or does he do this more when I am depressed and other troubles are happening - when I need him more?

I'm so tired and sick and tired and sick of being sick and tired!

[Becs]

I thought that H's rages were getting better, but tonight I'm in shock. Three days ago, a colleague raged at me about a trivial matter - work is supposedly dealing with this as there is a history of it against other women - before I was there and I didn't know. I don't know what the outcome will be. It's been a very difficult week all round as I also found out that my Mum's cancer is back and she has to have very strong chemo this time. As she's carer for my ill Dad, it's a mess. Other issues are also getting to me.

So I was very upset about what happened at work, and told H, who was gentle but furious and threatened to kill this guy. I had to not tell him who it was in case he turned up to batter him, which he keeps offering to do. I've been frightened about being alone with this guy, so went into work very late today. H knew that I was upset about my parents and what happened at work, plus other stuff that's not worth going into. This morningI kept crying about my Mum (more bad news last night), I even told him that i wasn't coping and would need to increase my anti-Ds. I'd said to him earlier this week that it was funny how he felt about someone else raging at me, but it was OK for him - he looked shocked, and has been very gentle since - until tonight.

So this evening, our D4 told us that another child (also 4 or 5yo) at nursery had kicked her - she wasn't hurt, and not particularly upset. H's reaction was to tell her that she needs to point out the parents of this child, then instantly raged that he would 'f***ing punch them in the face'. I asked him not to swear, or shout at us (D4 came running to me). He got worse and worse so I asked him to leave the house to cool down - he thought I meant leave so got worse and worse - swearing, calling me names - b**** - in front of D4, and then seemed to get a bag to leave, and left. D4 broke down in tears before he left, saying she doesn't like it when Daddy yells at Mummy, but stopped with some cuddles and talking while he was out of the room. He called her over, and told her goodbye and have a nice life. I worked very hard to cheer her up, but I guess she didn't really understand what he meant anyway. He left for 2 hours, came back, ignored me, went to sleep for a bit in the same room we were talking and watching TV. Then we left to play some PC games, he followed us up, came and hugged us both, weeping and left again. I put D4 to bed. I think he's asleep.

What do I do now? I've told him before he needs help, he agreed to marriage councelling if I went too, and then back-tracked. I'm not sure we can afford it anyway. Why am I with this guy? 8 Years together,  married, and I think he's getting better, then wham!

A week ago, he was leaving us because he's homesick and 'fat and useless' in the UK (he's from a different country - no family). He was sleeping all the time, and miserable, but didn't rage at me. Before that we'd been getting on well, but I work long hours and probably he's lonely - he hasn't looked for work for months. Since the work incident, he's been great, and we've talked loads. He'd told me that he wasn't going to leave. I try to pretend to myself it doesn't bother me when he's this depressed, but of course it does.

I know I'll get an apology from him tomorrow, but not sure I want one. I'm scared to leave, don't want a mostly great father taken away from D4, everything is in my name, so he'd be left with nothing. I don't know what to do. I feel that I am a very level-headed calm, friendly person, though I do get depressed through circumstances. I don't deal with comfrontation well. We moved 6 months ago due to my job, and don't have any support system here. When he's calm, he's a wonderful husband and father, but I know the signs - the house is spotless, projects are being done, he's restless, then the depression, and sometimes that's it, others it's the silent treatment, others it's raging, sometimes all three.  Is it me or does he do this more when I am depressed and other troubles are happening - when I need him more?

I'm so tired and sick and tired and sick of being sick and tired!

[Jbird]

so sorry you are going through this there are many here that can offer love and support. We have been through what you are going through. The rages are hard. Have you looked over any of the lessons here, or started working on things you can do for yourself? I know it seems so strange when things are so hard but we must take good care of ourselves and keep our side of things clean. We can only really control what we do in these situation so that is a good place to start!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Becs]

I'm disgusted with myself. Having 'rejoined' I've looked over my previous posts. A year ago, I felt exactly how I do now! A year ago! How can I do that to myself and my D4? I feel like I don't have any time to 'fix' my relationship. There is so much else going on that is draining on my time, energy and emotions. I can't see a way out!

Today he apologised several times, D4 bought me flowers. She's forgiven him. I can't. I feel exhausted and tearful and have slept most of today. He's hugged me and kissed me and told me sorry and he loves me. I just feel numb. When I haven't responded to him, he's started closing off, and went to sleep while I was putting D4 to bed, so no talking tonight then. I have tried to be cheerful for D4's sake, but feel miserable.