What do you want in a relationship?

[Think About It...]

"and great sex falls in the "fun" category"
YES! It ain't shameful,it ain't dirty(ok it can be,but in a fun way ,it doesn't HAVE to be the same all the time. My marriage was the same! I got to enjoy it with the exBPDgf because we made it FUN and didn't take it so seriously.We laughed,a couple of times we cried,we were playful,and we ENJOYED every moment of it.Surely to HELL a healthy woman can be like this!lol

Well, I can safely vouch that a healthy woman can be like this, !

M

[ellil]

"and great sex falls in the "fun" category"
YES! It ain't shameful,it ain't dirty(ok it can be,but in a fun way ,it doesn't HAVE to be the same all the time. My marriage was the same! I got to enjoy it with the exBPDgf because we made it FUN and didn't take it so seriously.We laughed,a couple of times we cried,we were playful,and we ENJOYED every moment of it.Surely to HELL a healthy woman can be like this!lol

Well, I can safely vouch that a healthy woman can be like this, !

M

[Gowest]

I just want the man with strong character traits, who knows mostly of himself, and who is open to love, learning, and growing.  The relationship part we work on together.

Bolded part is what I'm struggling with. Self awareness is extremely uncommon. How do you even find someone who is self-aware, let alone someone of the opposite sex in roughly the same age range who is single and interested? Particularly if you're looking for a man as they are socialized to be oblivious to everything.

Ugh! Rant! Blah!

[MarshaDole]

The only "complication" for me is that I'm 50 and am quite aware how difficult it is at this age, and only more difficult as the years march on, to find someone, IF I even want someone, which somedays I think I do and somedays I think I don't. Bottom line is I have a foggy idea of what I want in a r/s, but there just isn't the room right now in life for it. M

This really resonates with me. I'm not at all sure I even want another relationship. I actually feel like I'm healing best all by myself. It's been nine months already. Wonder how much longer I'll feel like I'm better off alone?

[little doggy]

I guess I just wanted to offer some reassurance. I separated 5 years from a long term relationship and marriage to a BPD (married 20 years). I didnt know then about BPD but I do now and she played with a full deck of all BPD cards (and still does). Unexpectedly I found a new partner. Someone at work. Always got along well but never really close. Our work didnt really cross paths a lot and she had absolutely no idea what I had been through during my marriage. But after separation, she was someone I opened up to. She was appalled by my circumsatnces and then amazed at my resiliance. The last 4 years have been wonderful with her. Sure life is still very difficult especially as I try to protect and care for my 2 children. But I have learnt that a relationshiop with someone who doesnt have BPD can be wonderful. I have needed to talk to her a lot about my defences (why I close down in certain situations and why I vehemently refuse to be put on a pedestal) but my new partner has been patient and caring. I am lucky that I have found someone the share my new life with but even wiothout her I discovered there are people in our lives who didnt have BPD. None of them may life partners but they have added a lot of new joy to my life. Ive redicovered old school friends (who can finally admit they never liked my ex). I now see and talk to my elderly mother regularly (my x hated her so we rarely spoke) and she is a wonderful support for me. I have discovered extended family and new friends.
So, I guess my experience is that whether its a new love, new friends or redicovered family, life can be and is so much better without the poison of the BPD. Best wishes for your journey

[JustSaying]

Particularly if you're looking for a man as they are socialized to be oblivious to everything.

 ?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[CaptainM]

I just want the man with strong character traits, who knows mostly of himself, and who is open to love, learning, and growing.  The relationship part we work on together.

Bolded part is what I'm struggling with. Self awareness is extremely uncommon. How do you even find someone who is self-aware, let alone someone of the opposite sex in roughly the same age range who is single and interested? Particularly if you're looking for a man as they are socialized to be oblivious to everything.

Ugh! Rant! Blah!

Ouch! We're not all that oblivious. ;p

[JustSaying]

We're not all that oblivious.

Everyone but you and me, Capt...we're the only ones who noticed that! 

[Want2know]

We're not all that oblivious.

Everyone but you and me, Capt...we're the only ones who noticed that! 

Well, I noticed it but realized it was venting due to previous personal experience.  If I was a guy, I might take it a bit personally, however, it does deserve to be questioned.  Many women are oblivious, too.  Just saying...

[JustSaying]

To be clear, it didn't bother me. Just thought I'd give her a good-natured poke in the ribs re stereotyping. One of the advantages of having survived time with pwBPD is learning when to personalize and not personalize stuff.

[Want2know]

To be clear, it didn't bother me. Just thought I'd give her a good-natured poke in the ribs re stereotyping. One of the advantages of having survived time with pwBPD is learning when to personalize and not personalize stuff.

I hear ya, and totally get it.  I can't imagine that it would bother you after all you went through, and agree a good poke in the ribs is warranted.  It's about being real and being able to communicate.  There are many men who are able to do this, and I am happy to say that I have experienced this first hand being on this site, and finally meeting someone in person who is able to express himself in a mature, thoughtful way.  Keep looking Gowest  

[ellil]

This really resonates with me. I'm not at all sure I even want another relationship. I actually feel like I'm healing best all by myself. It's been nine months already. Wonder how much longer I'll feel like I'm better off alone?

I KNOW, I am healing best all by myself...undoubtedly.

But, when I think of hiking in the mountains, which is probably my most favorite thing on earth to do, I feel this pang in my heart on how much I'd love to share that with a man in love with me and I with him. This is about the ONLY time I really think, "Yeah, I want a relationship."

Other than that, in nearly every other aspect of my life, I can picture myself alone (and by alone, I mean not in a romantic r/s) and have no "pangs."

M

[MyLife]

I actually want a relationship.  I want a male intimate partner.
For me, sharing my life holds great meaning.  It isn't that I cant live alone, or don't like being alone - because I do.
I simply feel, on a very basic level my desire for a partner.  I will go out on a limb here (knowing others may not agree with my wording), and go as far to say that it feels more complete to me.  There are some things from a man (and I am not referring to sex) that feel extremely complimentary to my being.  It is not a source of neediness or desperation, it is a basic, simple gut feeling.
Since my BPD rs, I now carefully guard these feelings - society has become very indifferent.  But I don't believe I am the only one "out there" who feels this way, and I don't believe of letting go of who I am.
Just my thoughts.

[ellil]

LOL, MyLife, your wording could trigger a flurry of responses...I think we'd never turn away someone loving us who complements us, me included, and if the really right person came along I would not choose to be alone instead...I think we just all have different ways of phrasing things.

I guess I'm ok either way, single or in a couple (of course with the right person) but when it comes to hiking, sure would love the "right person" on my arm.

M

[MyLife]

LOL, MyLife, your wording could trigger a flurry of responses

yea I know...  and it would be for that reason alone I fear putting my thoughts out there...
So I chose to not sit in fear.  It is simply my thoughts, no one else owns them.

but when it comes to hiking, sure would love the "right person" on my arm.

I hear you.  I love doing the same - love being outdoors.  I really would enjoy a partner to camp and canoe with.  And not just "any" ole partner... 

[ellil]

yea I know...  and it would be for that reason alone I fear putting my thoughts out there...
So I chose to not sit in fear.  It is simply my thoughts, no one else owns them.

I hear you.  I love doing the same - love being outdoors.  I really would enjoy a partner to camp and canoe with.  And not just "any" ole partner... 

I apologize for my poor attempt at humor...I don't think I've ever seen negative flurries here   I know there's concern in the "psychology" world with words like "complete," but you feel what you feel and your heart wants what it wants, and we're hard wired to be in relationships, making it all the more difficult.

I hate that we've had BPD's come in our life, whether we invited them by our weaknesses or were hoodwinked by their charms and wiles. But if you let it, it really can result in a much better "us." I would have NEVER read a self-help book prior to my r/s with the BPD, but I'm reading my first one on low self-esteem and wow, what an eye opener...it can only do me good.

M

[MyLife]

I apologize for my poor attempt at humor...I don't think I've ever seen negative flurries here smiley  I know there's concern in the "psychology" world with words like "complete,

oh, I didn't take offense, thank you though.  The thing is we don't live in a world of "psychology", you know what I mean?

I will go out on a limb here (knowing others may not agree with my wording), and go as far to say that it feels more complete to me.

how about this:
it feels complimentary to my individual Self.   

Anyway, I know what I mean, how I feel - I don't deny my basic need to love and be loved.  It feels good to be feeling more me-learning to love myself, and also be more aware of others and things around me.   

[ellil]

That's another side effect of a BPD r/s: we walk around like a talking dsm 4 or cbt manual!

M

[Gowest]

I just want the man with strong character traits, who knows mostly of himself, and who is open to love, learning, and growing.  The relationship part we work on together.

Bolded part is what I'm struggling with. Self awareness is extremely uncommon. How do you even find someone who is self-aware, let alone someone of the opposite sex in roughly the same age range who is single and interested? Particularly if you're looking for a man as they are socialized to be oblivious to everything.

Ugh! Rant! Blah!

Ouch! We're not all that oblivious. ;p

That's why I said "socialized to be oblivious" instead of just "oblivious". Women are socialized to be sensitive and pick up on other people's feelings, men are... not. Very not. I know there are sensitive men out there because I've heard their music and read their books, but in the subgroup of Men I Actually Know, they are a rare breed. I don't know where to find more of them.