How do they feel when you have moved on?

[Think About It...]

How do those with BPD feel with they hear/get word from others that your moving on with your life...with other friends, interests and activities?

Do they begin to miss you again?
Do they paint you black even more?

Does it upset them to see you no longer care and are happy even though they are no longer around and in your life?

[lacole]

How do those with BPD feel with they hear/get word from others that your moving on with your life...with other friends, interests and activities?

Do they begin to miss you again?
Do they paint you black even more?

Does it upset them to see you no longer care and are happy even though they are no longer around and in your life?

[redfeather]

Its hard to say. But if they are involved with someone else (your replacement) then no you probably dont show up on their radar. I dumped mine when i realized what tiger i had by the tail and she has just moved on to the next victims!

[Applehead]

I think if they have someone you're not even a thought.  But you're on a mental list if things go wrong with their current r/s.  You'll get an out of the blue text or call as a feeler to see if there's an opportunity.  The vast majority of them can't be alone for very if at all.  The scary part is that when times get desperate they can be with anyone and look for an easy target.  They need a host feed off of.

[ellil]

For some reason, I think my ex would be relieved. We are in a unique situation though--we have no one in common and we live two hours apart. He would not ever know what's going on in my life.

I can find out at the drop of a hat what's going on in his though, but I don't do it. I do not want to chance re-injuring a healing wound.

M

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[SWLSR]

just guessing, but I would say devistated.  That would be how they feel.  You the non are so supposed to stay in their reserve pocket until decide they need you or not.  Of course they are free to move on at any time or even while they are still in the another relationship or marriage.  Now let me say this though, they are not going to show you they are hurt they will deny it from now until forever.  They will use covert ways to stay in touch with you.   But the problem is just as they when they were with you, and they tried to hide there true feelings they will do this again in a different way.  And they almost always resurface.

[breathelife]

During one of mine and exBPDbf break ups... We were starting to talk again and I was happy because I was happy about everything in my life and my ex and I were talking a little.  And he was really upset that I was happy.  I think regardless if they moved on or not they would be devestated if you did, and blame you for it.  Because their biggest free is abandonment but instead of concentrating on the good things and how they can keep you happy and fulfilled to want to stay they are focused on all the 'threats' of the relationship.  Well at least mine was.  It's sad really but exhausting to deal with.

[wrangler1217]

It depends on the type of BPD you're dealing with.  I'm thinking mine was more or less a waif, and eventually (after disassociation), she would feel the abandonment fear take over...and would wind up crying and begging at my door.  I know now that its not because of the fact that she missed me...but she was just scared of losing me for good...

[BentNotBroken]

personally, I think they probably feel terrible, just like they do most of the time anyway. Don't worry about it, you didn't cause their pain and you won't be the one who fixes it.

[Belka]

I think that my ex friend seemed uncomfortable watching me laugh and have fun with my bandmates when we put on our last show. He was really laying on the waif persona extra thick. He was definitely trying to get me to engage him out of sympathy, but I didn't do it. The more fun i have with emotionally healthy people, the less I care about what's going on with him.  It's a win/win situation, finally.

[seeking balance]

How do those with BPD feel with they hear/get word from others that your moving on with your life...with other friends, interests and activities?

like anyone else would - if they are in a good place (relatively speaking) they are happy for you; if they are in a bad place it could make it worse.

Do they begin to miss you again?

each person is different.  If you asked any one of us if we missed them again, you would get different responses.  This is way to general a question to lump with all pwBPD.

Do they paint you black even more?

if they are in a bad place, that is likely.

Does it upset them to see you no longer care and are happy even though they are no longer around and in your life?

out of sight is out of mind - object constancy - is a trait often seen in pwBPD.  As such, this question is not as applicable as it might be for you.

Lacole - what are you trying to learn about BPD from these questions?  I might be able to point you in a direction to learn more if I know what facts you are looking for.

Peace,
SB

[Marii]

I think they are fine with it IF they have someone else. If they are alone, then it is likely very difficult. That said, I think they respond in an angry way rather than hurt and melancholy like we might feel.

My experience is that feeling hurt and/or guilt is the worst thing in the world for a pwBPD. They will avoid it like the plague, but in order to do that, they have to do mental gymnastics, paint the ex blacker than midnight and decide good riddance.

[Tazmo7521]

I know from personal experience that my stbx would show some signs of being upset with her first husband that he moved on, got remarried and had a baby.  She would alienate his kids from their marriage, and tell the kids how bad of a father he was.  She would also tell me how rotten a man the first hubby was.  I don't know all of the dynamics from their marriage, but I reasonably suspect that much of what she says are lies.  I think it upsets her that her 1st hubby moved on, but she disguises exactly how she feels about it.

[forgetthepast]

Mine was so attractive that she knew she could get a replacement anytime she wanted that she texted me "I pray you find happiness and true love", after she dumped me on my head for the 5th time.  It was like she almost pitied me, knowing she would be with someone at the snap of a finger, but I would have trouble finding true love so she felt obligated to "pray" for me that I find it.  Talk about kicking you when your down!  This is from someone who told me, "Your love is all I need", 3 days before.  WTH?

[ViciousCycle]

I think they are fine with it IF they have someone else. If they are alone, then it is likely very difficult. That said, I think they respond in an angry way rather than hurt and melancholy like we might feel.

My experience is that feeling hurt and/or guilt is the worst thing in the world for a pwBPD. They will avoid it like the plague, but in order to do that, they have to do mental gymnastics, paint the ex blacker than midnight and decide good riddance.

Without a doubt

My uBPDx said after the break up "There's absolutely nothing wrong with me! I'm perfectly fine!"

This is the same girl who after 3 years together cheated on me while we were still together and did not even tell me until 2 months after breaking up with me and stringing me along in the process.

[truly amazed]

Howdy,

I suspect every one of them is different.

My own mouthed that she was happy whilst on one hand trying very hard to sabotage my new relationship ... and nearly did and on the other hand actually trying to sleep with me and for it to be our own little secret.

All of it sick.

I doubt they care too much other than what happened during my RS ... her ex moved on and was happy which made it twice as hard for her to be happy it was always a thorn in her side her ex supposidly the monster was in a happy gentle loving RS.

Of course what I was told about her prior RS and him being the problem was a fiction it was my ex 

In the end dont care what she thinks ... am happy and have grown and moved on.

take care

[FriedaB]

Well,  given  mine  is  also  a  sociopath  (HEY  BPDKIDS  THERES  OUR  SECRET  WORD  OF  THE  DAY!)...  I  highly  doubt  she   cares.  There  are  simply  way  too  many  people  to  use   and  manipulate  in  rehab  now...I  will  be  hearing  from  her  in  approx  1  year,  4  months  when  she  finishes   rehab  and  gets  kicked  back   out  to  the  real  world,  perhaps  sooner  if  she  runs  low  on  available  suckers  and  money.

[seeking balance]

Well,  given  mine  is  also  a  sociopath 

Hey Frieda,

This board specializes in PD's and sociopath is a big charge outside of the world we focus on here - do you really think this or are you just angry?

SB

[FriedaB]

well  shes  only  been  diagnosed  BPD  (9/9)  but  yes  I  do  suspect  comorbity.  I  can  refrain  from  that  term,  however,  if  youd  prefer  =)

[Zaza42]

Oye good question. After 5 months NC, he asked a mutual friend to see my facebook. Mine too, tried to sabotage my relationship. He got in contact with me that night in tears, threatening to commit suicide if I didn't leave my new man to be with him.   yuck. He went so far as to 'prove' his love for me by cutting himself with a broken bottle on his face, then sent me pictures... if that's not 'love' I don't know what is.

So yes, he felt at that moment he saw my facebook that I was happy, he absolutely, positively 'needed' me in his life after him dumping me 5 months earlier or else he couldn't live.

Wow. I just re-read that and see how twisted it really is.

[BentNotBroken]

As far as using the term sociopath, it is pretty close to my ex. The old term was psychopath, then it became sociopath, now they are changing it to antisocial spectrum disorder or something like that. Truth be told, it doesn't really help to water down the terms hoping not to offend anyone. I think there is only a very fine line separating BPD from ASD and since they are spectrum disorders there can be overlap in the behavior.
The abuse dished out by my BPDex was definitely on par with some of the diagnosed sociopaths i have known. The only difference was i knew better than to let the sociopaths get close enough to do the type of damage my ex did to my life. I wish i were exaggerating but its true.
She only cares about herself and what other people can do for her. Once they are no longer of use to her,  she discards and destroys them.

[jalk]

I think the borders are different with their responses. Mostly believe that all feel they are ok and nothing is wrong with them. From my experience, my udBPD reacted about her ex's  moving on ( this I saw with my own two eyes when she was with me) with curiosity ... wanting to know who her ex is dating and what they look like so that she could cut that person down. Also, she became very jealous when she heard her ex was doing things that he never did with her. How dare he? He is having a good time and he never did those things with her.

She is such a sicko!

[FriedaB]

Honestly  that  is  the  case  for  me too...she  has  pawned  her  parents  wedding  rings  for  drugs,   stole  prescription   pads  from  a  drs  office   where  her  mother  worked  (almost  getting  her  fired),  has  5   felonies   now  for  committing  credit  card  and  and  identity  theft  against  her  own  family  members  and  routinely  screws  othes  out  of  large  amounts   of  money...for  the  past  12  years  ive   made  excuses  for  her,  and  I  can  do  it  no  longer...she  uses  people  like  toys,  and  has  absolutely  NO  remorse.  But  yes,  the  BPD  is  absolutely  there  too  because  she   also  splits  everyone  black  after  shes  done  using  them,  makes  false  allegations  of  abuse  and  always,   always  has  a  new  victim  lined  up  before  she  splits  to  cry  to...whatever  you  want  to  call  it  its  disturbed.   

[brokenspring]

I think when they have gone they are just so angry they dont really care, its later they feel it, but wont admit it to you, mine was always pineing after her ex, so they must miss "us" eventually. I feel Facebook has a lot to answer for with BPDs, my ex was always on it, cyber stalking all her exs and setting up the next target for when she moves on!

[FriedaB]

Yeah  mine  does  that   too...she  absolutely  cant  be  alone.

[seeking balance]

she  has  pawned  her  parents  wedding  rings  for  drugs,   stole  prescription   pads  from  a  drs  office   where  her  mother  worked  (almost  getting  her  fired),  has  5   felonies   now  for  committing  credit  card  and  and  identity  theft  against  her  own  family  members  and  routinely  screws  othes  out  of  large  amounts   of  money..

WOW - how long into dating did you find out this stuff Frieda?

[yianks69]

The moment I told her that I am no longer available for her to verbally abuse me, wished her happiness and told her that the last thing I want is for her to be in pain, she undergone silent treatment and keeps it for the past three months.

She is a co-worker so her reaction (silent treatment) is to not even reply to my hello if we meet by chance at the elevator, or would leave a room if I enter.

In a way, she is still abusing me after I told her I am moving on!

[FriedaB]

she  has  pawned  her  parents  wedding  rings  for  drugs,   stole  prescription   pads  from  a  drs  office   where  her  mother  worked  (almost  getting  her  fired),  has  5   felonies   now  for  committing  credit  card  and  and  identity  theft  against  her  own  family  members  and  routinely  screws  othes  out  of  large  amounts   of  money..

WOW - how long into dating did you find out this stuff Frieda?

After I spent $7k for a laywer and rehab unfortunately.  ?   I never really learned the whole story until it was too late (ie: retainer agreement was signed) and that was from her mother. In my defense tho, ive known this person for 20+ years (i.e: we grew up together) and its been on/off for the past 12...never did I think she would end up like this, that  I would be stolen from, lied to (and then after I spare her from a 5 year stint in prison) have the cops called on ME for false allegations of stalking and harassment because she had no use for me anymore. I guess I still have some residual anger issues I need to work on. I do apologize for the use of the term "sociopath" and anyone I offended. I will refrain from that terminology in the future

[redfeather]

Hopefully one day soon none of us will care. I am one who dumped mine and walked my ass out the door. I was very polite about it but incredibly firm. Just told her i wouldnot tolerate her behaviors, best to her in life and see ya! She said NOONE ever dumped her she always did all the dumping...well there is a first time for everything isnt there? Got painted blacker than night in the amazon. So be it. so let it be done.

[FriedaB]

You  go  girl!  Good  for  you

[FriedaB]

...or  guy  =)  In  any  case,  kudos. 

[seeking balance]

she  has  pawned  her  parents  wedding  rings  for  drugs,   stole  prescription   pads  from  a  drs  office   where  her  mother  worked  (almost  getting  her  fired),  has  5   felonies   now  for  committing  credit  card  and  and  identity  theft  against  her  own  family  members  and  routinely  screws  othes  out  of  large  amounts   of  money..

WOW - how long into dating did you find out this stuff Frieda?

After I spent $7k for a laywer and rehab unfortunately.  ?   I never really learned the whole story until it was too late (ie: retainer agreement was signed) and that was from her mother. In my defense tho, ive known this person for 20+ years (i.e: we grew up together) and its been on/off for the past 12...never did I think she would end up like this, that  I would be stolen from, lied to (and then after I spare her from a 5 year stint in prison) have the cops called on ME for false allegations of stalking and harassment because she had no use for me anymore. I guess I still have some residual anger issues I need to work on. I do apologize for the use of the term "sociopath" and anyone I offended. I will refrain from that terminology in the future

Anger is a normal part and what you have been through - of course you are going to lash out.  That's why we are here.  Eventually, I found that the longer I lashed out in "non-productive" ways, the further I would get away from who I really was.  I wasn't a jackass - but when I was not using my anger in a productive way, I felt good for a minute and then I felt worse - because at my core that is not who I really was.

You are paying attention now - that is 1/2 the battle  

[FriedaB]

Im  afraid  to  not  be  "angry"...then  I  might get  sucked  in  again.  It  hurts  like  hell  knowing  im  not  even  on  her  radar,  after everything  ive  done...but  its  the  truth.  She  played  me  like  a  fiddle...I  wont  hear  from  her  again  (nor  would  she  want  to  hear  from  me)  unless  she  was  alone  and/or  needing  $  again.  Thats  all  I  ever  was...Frieda  the  desparate  friend.  I  loved  her  with  all  my   heart  and  she  just  saw  me  as  one  big  sucker. 

[eeyore]

Im  afraid  to  not  be  "angry"...then  I  might get  sucked  in  again.  It  hurts  like  hell  knowing  im  not  even  on  her  radar,  after everything  ive  done...but  its  the  truth.  She  played  me  like  a  fiddle...I  wont  hear  from  her  again  (nor  would  she  want  to  hear  from  me)  unless  she  was  alone  and/or  needing  $  again.  Thats  all  I  ever  was...Frieda  the  desparate  friend.  I  loved  her  with  all  my   heart  and  she  just  saw  me  as  one  big  sucker. 

You deserve so much better.  Don't be afraid of a successful relationship go after it and be happy. 

[darkstar]

Hopefully one day soon none of us will care. I am one who dumped mine and walked my ass out the door. I was very polite about it but incredibly firm. Just told her i wouldnot tolerate her behaviors, best to her in life and see ya! She said NOONE ever dumped her she always did all the dumping...well there is a first time for everything isnt there? Got painted blacker than night in the amazon. So be it. so let it be done.

Guess that is what the BPD really cant stand. That we dump them. Both of my BPD ex I dumped the first time of their lives. And both of them hunted me down and recycled me until they got the chance doing it.. Why its always me who bring change to that people, and then they live probably a better live afterwards.. Sometimes I feel like do all the work and the guys after me earn the loan.

Sorry some self pity today ...

[Neverknow]

personally, I think they probably feel terrible, just like they do most of the time anyway. Don't worry about it, you didn't cause their pain and you won't be the one who fixes it.

Amen.

[gettingoverit]

My ex I don't think could care less. She is so wrapped up in my replacement, and planning for their wedding this summer, that I don't think it really crosses her mind. I used to think she had a sense of common decency, however after how she behaved during our break up, she has proven to me that people in general are willing to stoop to new lows in order to get their needs met. Although I agree with what people have already said, and that it depends on the person, but lets be honest here, when they are getting their needs met by some other schmuck, do you really think they are overly concerned with what is going on in our lives?

[SWLSR]

Getting over,

I am going out on a limb and say yes they do care.   Not because they care about you, but they are almost always looking for a potential replacement and they want you on there list.  If you are not available then they are upset because you are not, even to point where they can come crying back to you even if they have someone else.  The thing about there kind is the needs are never met.  It is just one temporary fix to another, if your ex even makes it to the alter, I would bet a dollar, they are divorced within three years.

[redfeather]

I think SLWSR is correct they do care but dont confuse their idea of caring with our idea of caring. Theirs is about TRYING to fill the emotional void they feel inside them so the search for  emotional sustenance is never ending and ongoing.
Someone in another post referred to it as a "perpetual emotional groundhog day" for them. How appropriate but so very sad. But they make their choices and we make ours.  Hi!

[oletimefeelin]

I befriended a BPD a few months back.  She was in recovery and very well read on her disorder.  She knew of my situation, and basically said the way to get back at her was to show that you've moved on.  To not care any more.  These girls really are attracted to indifference.  I know I played it very cool at the beginning.  Also, for those of you thinking of breaking no contact, this same person said silence is the absolute kryptonite to the BPD.

[yianks69]

basically said the way to get back at her was to show that you've moved on.  To not care any more. 

Wise words oletimefeelin.

Of course NC should have the main objective of healing ourselves and not getting back at them. However, what you friend said is an added bonus!

[awesomenessdefined]

Why be soory? It's what they are.

"a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience."

[FriedaB]

Ok  so  I  think  we  need  to  refocus  now  on  the  topic  at  hand  here...we  dont  want  this  thread  getting  hijacked  =)  Heres  a  question  for  all  of  you  ?  How  do  YOU  feel  knowing  they  have  moved  on  ? This  is  something  I  still  struggle  with...how  do  we  get  closure ?

[darkstar]

Ok  so  I  think  we  need  to  refocus  now  on  the  topic  at  hand  here...we  dont  want  this  thread  getting  hijacked  =)  Heres  a  question  for  all  of  you  ?  How  do  YOU  feel  knowing  they  have  moved  on  ? This  is  something  I  still  struggle  with...how  do  we  get  closure ?

Do they ever move on, on a normal way? I think no, and because of their sickness it can always happen, that they try to recycle you.. even years later.

But I feel still very hurt,  even I know its the best thing that can happen to me to get rid of this addiction and finally have some space to breath and think about everything.

[yianks69]

But I feel still very hurt,  even I know its the best thing that can happen to me to get rid of this addiction and finally have some space to breath and think about everything.

We have to feel hurt, it’s a part of the healing procedure. There are no shortcuts (well maybe some – BPD family, work out, eat well) but eventually we will heal and get rid of this horrible emotional rollercoaster.

On the other hand, pwBPD try to take all the shortcuts available by jumping to another person, painting us black, undergo silent treatment to punish us etc. Can this be a normal healing? Impossible!

Do they move on? I don’t think so because in my dictionary ‘moving on’ means improving as a human being and avoid doing the same mistakes.

[Applehead]

Yianks, You nailed it!  We have to pass through the fire to heal and they avoid the fire!  My exBPDgf of 7 years would make the same mistakes over and over with all her men!  Thats why I couldn't marry her.  When you depersonalize it, it makes you feel sorry for BPD people!  I hate the way they are to us but bc of what was done to them as children has given the vast majority of them a lifetime sentence of pain!  I sincerely wish a more effective treatment to end this disorder would come to light bc they punish us for as long as we let them but punish themselves forever!

[Marii]

Couple of observations-

When my pwBPD and I were talking, sometimes the subject of his ex's came up. His opinions ranged from loathing (the one that pushed the hardest to stay in the picture), to indifference (one in which there was a big rage episode) and the one he lasted the longest with. That ex seemed to be the one about whom he was most able to say both good and bad. I think he genuinely felt a sense of loss of that one, but interestingly, the loss was about the relationship, the playing house, the garden.

With me, I don't think I ever really meant that much to him. I think I was some sort of constant or stability but not really anything deeper. I am going to assume that if all his defenses are up, I am blacker than midnight, but if he really lets himself think about it and feel, he will feel some level of grieving too.