How do they feel when you have moved on?

[Think About It...]

How do those with BPD feel with they hear/get word from others that your moving on with your life...with other friends, interests and activities?

Do they begin to miss you again?
Do they paint you black even more?

Does it upset them to see you no longer care and are happy even though they are no longer around and in your life?

[lacole]

How do those with BPD feel with they hear/get word from others that your moving on with your life...with other friends, interests and activities?

Do they begin to miss you again?
Do they paint you black even more?

Does it upset them to see you no longer care and are happy even though they are no longer around and in your life?

[redfeather]

Its hard to say. But if they are involved with someone else (your replacement) then no you probably dont show up on their radar. I dumped mine when i realized what tiger i had by the tail and she has just moved on to the next victims!

[Applehead]

I think if they have someone you're not even a thought.  But you're on a mental list if things go wrong with their current r/s.  You'll get an out of the blue text or call as a feeler to see if there's an opportunity.  The vast majority of them can't be alone for very if at all.  The scary part is that when times get desperate they can be with anyone and look for an easy target.  They need a host feed off of.

[ellil]

For some reason, I think my ex would be relieved. We are in a unique situation though--we have no one in common and we live two hours apart. He would not ever know what's going on in my life.

I can find out at the drop of a hat what's going on in his though, but I don't do it. I do not want to chance re-injuring a healing wound.

M

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[SWLSR]

just guessing, but I would say devistated.  That would be how they feel.  You the non are so supposed to stay in their reserve pocket until decide they need you or not.  Of course they are free to move on at any time or even while they are still in the another relationship or marriage.  Now let me say this though, they are not going to show you they are hurt they will deny it from now until forever.  They will use covert ways to stay in touch with you.   But the problem is just as they when they were with you, and they tried to hide there true feelings they will do this again in a different way.  And they almost always resurface.

[breathelife]

During one of mine and exBPDbf break ups... We were starting to talk again and I was happy because I was happy about everything in my life and my ex and I were talking a little.  And he was really upset that I was happy.  I think regardless if they moved on or not they would be devestated if you did, and blame you for it.  Because their biggest free is abandonment but instead of concentrating on the good things and how they can keep you happy and fulfilled to want to stay they are focused on all the 'threats' of the relationship.  Well at least mine was.  It's sad really but exhausting to deal with.

[wrangler1217]

It depends on the type of BPD you're dealing with.  I'm thinking mine was more or less a waif, and eventually (after disassociation), she would feel the abandonment fear take over...and would wind up crying and begging at my door.  I know now that its not because of the fact that she missed me...but she was just scared of losing me for good...

[BentNotBroken]

personally, I think they probably feel terrible, just like they do most of the time anyway. Don't worry about it, you didn't cause their pain and you won't be the one who fixes it.

[Belka]

I think that my ex friend seemed uncomfortable watching me laugh and have fun with my bandmates when we put on our last show. He was really laying on the waif persona extra thick. He was definitely trying to get me to engage him out of sympathy, but I didn't do it. The more fun i have with emotionally healthy people, the less I care about what's going on with him.  It's a win/win situation, finally.

[seeking balance]

How do those with BPD feel with they hear/get word from others that your moving on with your life...with other friends, interests and activities?

like anyone else would - if they are in a good place (relatively speaking) they are happy for you; if they are in a bad place it could make it worse.

Do they begin to miss you again?

each person is different.  If you asked any one of us if we missed them again, you would get different responses.  This is way to general a question to lump with all pwBPD.

Do they paint you black even more?

if they are in a bad place, that is likely.

Does it upset them to see you no longer care and are happy even though they are no longer around and in your life?

out of sight is out of mind - object constancy - is a trait often seen in pwBPD.  As such, this question is not as applicable as it might be for you.

Lacole - what are you trying to learn about BPD from these questions?  I might be able to point you in a direction to learn more if I know what facts you are looking for.

Peace,
SB

[Marii]

I think they are fine with it IF they have someone else. If they are alone, then it is likely very difficult. That said, I think they respond in an angry way rather than hurt and melancholy like we might feel.

My experience is that feeling hurt and/or guilt is the worst thing in the world for a pwBPD. They will avoid it like the plague, but in order to do that, they have to do mental gymnastics, paint the ex blacker than midnight and decide good riddance.

[Tazmo7521]

I know from personal experience that my stbx would show some signs of being upset with her first husband that he moved on, got remarried and had a baby.  She would alienate his kids from their marriage, and tell the kids how bad of a father he was.  She would also tell me how rotten a man the first hubby was.  I don't know all of the dynamics from their marriage, but I reasonably suspect that much of what she says are lies.  I think it upsets her that her 1st hubby moved on, but she disguises exactly how she feels about it.

[forgetthepast]

Mine was so attractive that she knew she could get a replacement anytime she wanted that she texted me "I pray you find happiness and true love", after she dumped me on my head for the 5th time.  It was like she almost pitied me, knowing she would be with someone at the snap of a finger, but I would have trouble finding true love so she felt obligated to "pray" for me that I find it.  Talk about kicking you when your down!  This is from someone who told me, "Your love is all I need", 3 days before.  WTH?

[ViciousCycle]

I think they are fine with it IF they have someone else. If they are alone, then it is likely very difficult. That said, I think they respond in an angry way rather than hurt and melancholy like we might feel.

My experience is that feeling hurt and/or guilt is the worst thing in the world for a pwBPD. They will avoid it like the plague, but in order to do that, they have to do mental gymnastics, paint the ex blacker than midnight and decide good riddance.

Without a doubt

My uBPDx said after the break up "There's absolutely nothing wrong with me! I'm perfectly fine!"

This is the same girl who after 3 years together cheated on me while we were still together and did not even tell me until 2 months after breaking up with me and stringing me along in the process.

[truly amazed]

Howdy,

I suspect every one of them is different.

My own mouthed that she was happy whilst on one hand trying very hard to sabotage my new relationship ... and nearly did and on the other hand actually trying to sleep with me and for it to be our own little secret.

All of it sick.

I doubt they care too much other than what happened during my RS ... her ex moved on and was happy which made it twice as hard for her to be happy it was always a thorn in her side her ex supposidly the monster was in a happy gentle loving RS.

Of course what I was told about her prior RS and him being the problem was a fiction it was my ex 

In the end dont care what she thinks ... am happy and have grown and moved on.

take care

[FriedaB]

Well,  given  mine  is  also  a  sociopath  (HEY  BPDKIDS  THERES  OUR  SECRET  WORD  OF  THE  DAY!)...  I  highly  doubt  she   cares.  There  are  simply  way  too  many  people  to  use   and  manipulate  in  rehab  now...I  will  be  hearing  from  her  in  approx  1  year,  4  months  when  she  finishes   rehab  and  gets  kicked  back   out  to  the  real  world,  perhaps  sooner  if  she  runs  low  on  available  suckers  and  money.

[seeking balance]

Well,  given  mine  is  also  a  sociopath 

Hey Frieda,

This board specializes in PD's and sociopath is a big charge outside of the world we focus on here - do you really think this or are you just angry?

SB

[FriedaB]

well  shes  only  been  diagnosed  BPD  (9/9)  but  yes  I  do  suspect  comorbity.  I  can  refrain  from  that  term,  however,  if  youd  prefer  =)

[Zaza42]

Oye good question. After 5 months NC, he asked a mutual friend to see my facebook. Mine too, tried to sabotage my relationship. He got in contact with me that night in tears, threatening to commit suicide if I didn't leave my new man to be with him.   yuck. He went so far as to 'prove' his love for me by cutting himself with a broken bottle on his face, then sent me pictures... if that's not 'love' I don't know what is.

So yes, he felt at that moment he saw my facebook that I was happy, he absolutely, positively 'needed' me in his life after him dumping me 5 months earlier or else he couldn't live.

Wow. I just re-read that and see how twisted it really is.

[BentNotBroken]

As far as using the term sociopath, it is pretty close to my ex. The old term was psychopath, then it became sociopath, now they are changing it to antisocial spectrum disorder or something like that. Truth be told, it doesn't really help to water down the terms hoping not to offend anyone. I think there is only a very fine line separating BPD from ASD and since they are spectrum disorders there can be overlap in the behavior.
The abuse dished out by my BPDex was definitely on par with some of the diagnosed sociopaths i have known. The only difference was i knew better than to let the sociopaths get close enough to do the type of damage my ex did to my life. I wish i were exaggerating but its true.
She only cares about herself and what other people can do for her. Once they are no longer of use to her,  she discards and destroys them.