How do they feel when you have moved on?

[Think About It...]

I think the borders are different with their responses. Mostly believe that all feel they are ok and nothing is wrong with them. From my experience, my udBPD reacted about her ex's  moving on ( this I saw with my own two eyes when she was with me) with curiosity ... wanting to know who her ex is dating and what they look like so that she could cut that person down. Also, she became very jealous when she heard her ex was doing things that he never did with her. How dare he? He is having a good time and he never did those things with her.

She is such a sicko!

[jalk]

I think the borders are different with their responses. Mostly believe that all feel they are ok and nothing is wrong with them. From my experience, my udBPD reacted about her ex's  moving on ( this I saw with my own two eyes when she was with me) with curiosity ... wanting to know who her ex is dating and what they look like so that she could cut that person down. Also, she became very jealous when she heard her ex was doing things that he never did with her. How dare he? He is having a good time and he never did those things with her.

She is such a sicko!

[FriedaB]

Honestly  that  is  the  case  for  me too...she  has  pawned  her  parents  wedding  rings  for  drugs,   stole  prescription   pads  from  a  drs  office   where  her  mother  worked  (almost  getting  her  fired),  has  5   felonies   now  for  committing  credit  card  and  and  identity  theft  against  her  own  family  members  and  routinely  screws  othes  out  of  large  amounts   of  money...for  the  past  12  years  ive   made  excuses  for  her,  and  I  can  do  it  no  longer...she  uses  people  like  toys,  and  has  absolutely  NO  remorse.  But  yes,  the  BPD  is  absolutely  there  too  because  she   also  splits  everyone  black  after  shes  done  using  them,  makes  false  allegations  of  abuse  and  always,   always  has  a  new  victim  lined  up  before  she  splits  to  cry  to...whatever  you  want  to  call  it  its  disturbed.   

[brokenspring]

I think when they have gone they are just so angry they dont really care, its later they feel it, but wont admit it to you, mine was always pineing after her ex, so they must miss "us" eventually. I feel Facebook has a lot to answer for with BPDs, my ex was always on it, cyber stalking all her exs and setting up the next target for when she moves on!

[FriedaB]

Yeah  mine  does  that   too...she  absolutely  cant  be  alone.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[seeking balance]

she  has  pawned  her  parents  wedding  rings  for  drugs,   stole  prescription   pads  from  a  drs  office   where  her  mother  worked  (almost  getting  her  fired),  has  5   felonies   now  for  committing  credit  card  and  and  identity  theft  against  her  own  family  members  and  routinely  screws  othes  out  of  large  amounts   of  money..

WOW - how long into dating did you find out this stuff Frieda?

[yianks69]

The moment I told her that I am no longer available for her to verbally abuse me, wished her happiness and told her that the last thing I want is for her to be in pain, she undergone silent treatment and keeps it for the past three months.

She is a co-worker so her reaction (silent treatment) is to not even reply to my hello if we meet by chance at the elevator, or would leave a room if I enter.

In a way, she is still abusing me after I told her I am moving on!

[FriedaB]

she  has  pawned  her  parents  wedding  rings  for  drugs,   stole  prescription   pads  from  a  drs  office   where  her  mother  worked  (almost  getting  her  fired),  has  5   felonies   now  for  committing  credit  card  and  and  identity  theft  against  her  own  family  members  and  routinely  screws  othes  out  of  large  amounts   of  money..

WOW - how long into dating did you find out this stuff Frieda?

After I spent $7k for a laywer and rehab unfortunately.  ?   I never really learned the whole story until it was too late (ie: retainer agreement was signed) and that was from her mother. In my defense tho, ive known this person for 20+ years (i.e: we grew up together) and its been on/off for the past 12...never did I think she would end up like this, that  I would be stolen from, lied to (and then after I spare her from a 5 year stint in prison) have the cops called on ME for false allegations of stalking and harassment because she had no use for me anymore. I guess I still have some residual anger issues I need to work on. I do apologize for the use of the term "sociopath" and anyone I offended. I will refrain from that terminology in the future

[redfeather]

Hopefully one day soon none of us will care. I am one who dumped mine and walked my ass out the door. I was very polite about it but incredibly firm. Just told her i wouldnot tolerate her behaviors, best to her in life and see ya! She said NOONE ever dumped her she always did all the dumping...well there is a first time for everything isnt there? Got painted blacker than night in the amazon. So be it. so let it be done.

[FriedaB]

You  go  girl!  Good  for  you

[FriedaB]

...or  guy  =)  In  any  case,  kudos. 

[seeking balance]

she  has  pawned  her  parents  wedding  rings  for  drugs,   stole  prescription   pads  from  a  drs  office   where  her  mother  worked  (almost  getting  her  fired),  has  5   felonies   now  for  committing  credit  card  and  and  identity  theft  against  her  own  family  members  and  routinely  screws  othes  out  of  large  amounts   of  money..

WOW - how long into dating did you find out this stuff Frieda?

After I spent $7k for a laywer and rehab unfortunately.  ?   I never really learned the whole story until it was too late (ie: retainer agreement was signed) and that was from her mother. In my defense tho, ive known this person for 20+ years (i.e: we grew up together) and its been on/off for the past 12...never did I think she would end up like this, that  I would be stolen from, lied to (and then after I spare her from a 5 year stint in prison) have the cops called on ME for false allegations of stalking and harassment because she had no use for me anymore. I guess I still have some residual anger issues I need to work on. I do apologize for the use of the term "sociopath" and anyone I offended. I will refrain from that terminology in the future

Anger is a normal part and what you have been through - of course you are going to lash out.  That's why we are here.  Eventually, I found that the longer I lashed out in "non-productive" ways, the further I would get away from who I really was.  I wasn't a jackass - but when I was not using my anger in a productive way, I felt good for a minute and then I felt worse - because at my core that is not who I really was.

You are paying attention now - that is 1/2 the battle  

[FriedaB]

Im  afraid  to  not  be  "angry"...then  I  might get  sucked  in  again.  It  hurts  like  hell  knowing  im  not  even  on  her  radar,  after everything  ive  done...but  its  the  truth.  She  played  me  like  a  fiddle...I  wont  hear  from  her  again  (nor  would  she  want  to  hear  from  me)  unless  she  was  alone  and/or  needing  $  again.  Thats  all  I  ever  was...Frieda  the  desparate  friend.  I  loved  her  with  all  my   heart  and  she  just  saw  me  as  one  big  sucker. 

[eeyore]

Im  afraid  to  not  be  "angry"...then  I  might get  sucked  in  again.  It  hurts  like  hell  knowing  im  not  even  on  her  radar,  after everything  ive  done...but  its  the  truth.  She  played  me  like  a  fiddle...I  wont  hear  from  her  again  (nor  would  she  want  to  hear  from  me)  unless  she  was  alone  and/or  needing  $  again.  Thats  all  I  ever  was...Frieda  the  desparate  friend.  I  loved  her  with  all  my   heart  and  she  just  saw  me  as  one  big  sucker. 

You deserve so much better.  Don't be afraid of a successful relationship go after it and be happy. 

[darkstar]

Hopefully one day soon none of us will care. I am one who dumped mine and walked my ass out the door. I was very polite about it but incredibly firm. Just told her i wouldnot tolerate her behaviors, best to her in life and see ya! She said NOONE ever dumped her she always did all the dumping...well there is a first time for everything isnt there? Got painted blacker than night in the amazon. So be it. so let it be done.

Guess that is what the BPD really cant stand. That we dump them. Both of my BPD ex I dumped the first time of their lives. And both of them hunted me down and recycled me until they got the chance doing it.. Why its always me who bring change to that people, and then they live probably a better live afterwards.. Sometimes I feel like do all the work and the guys after me earn the loan.

Sorry some self pity today ...

[Neverknow]

personally, I think they probably feel terrible, just like they do most of the time anyway. Don't worry about it, you didn't cause their pain and you won't be the one who fixes it.

Amen.

[gettingoverit]

My ex I don't think could care less. She is so wrapped up in my replacement, and planning for their wedding this summer, that I don't think it really crosses her mind. I used to think she had a sense of common decency, however after how she behaved during our break up, she has proven to me that people in general are willing to stoop to new lows in order to get their needs met. Although I agree with what people have already said, and that it depends on the person, but lets be honest here, when they are getting their needs met by some other schmuck, do you really think they are overly concerned with what is going on in our lives?

[SWLSR]

Getting over,

I am going out on a limb and say yes they do care.   Not because they care about you, but they are almost always looking for a potential replacement and they want you on there list.  If you are not available then they are upset because you are not, even to point where they can come crying back to you even if they have someone else.  The thing about there kind is the needs are never met.  It is just one temporary fix to another, if your ex even makes it to the alter, I would bet a dollar, they are divorced within three years.

[redfeather]

I think SLWSR is correct they do care but dont confuse their idea of caring with our idea of caring. Theirs is about TRYING to fill the emotional void they feel inside them so the search for  emotional sustenance is never ending and ongoing.
Someone in another post referred to it as a "perpetual emotional groundhog day" for them. How appropriate but so very sad. But they make their choices and we make ours.  Hi!

[oletimefeelin]

I befriended a BPD a few months back.  She was in recovery and very well read on her disorder.  She knew of my situation, and basically said the way to get back at her was to show that you've moved on.  To not care any more.  These girls really are attracted to indifference.  I know I played it very cool at the beginning.  Also, for those of you thinking of breaking no contact, this same person said silence is the absolute kryptonite to the BPD.

[yianks69]

basically said the way to get back at her was to show that you've moved on.  To not care any more. 

Wise words oletimefeelin.

Of course NC should have the main objective of healing ourselves and not getting back at them. However, what you friend said is an added bonus!