Do you see a pattern prior to dysregulation?

[Think About It...]

Here's a pattern I think I'm seeing before he dysregulates:

He doesn't look me in the eye

He won't sit still, he finds chores to do, paces, talks to he dog, gets on the computer then walks away from the computer, up and down the stairs with no purpose, sits w/me for a minute then he's up again

His body is tense

His eyes/face look different had to describe, theres just a "look"

Then he starts with the hard fire questions, could be about anything but it's always stuff he thinks I was supposed to do ie: did you call the electric company, did you eat today, did you get the tags for the boat

Then the complaints/criticisms start ie: you pet the dog before you said hello to me, you never answer my texts when you are with your d, you think everyone's more important than me

Then I start to validate but last weekend it got ahead of me...

The funny thing is, I walked through the door last weekend and saw the pacing and I thought about  leaving right away but I wasn't trusting my instincts. So I stayed until he dysregulated.

I am sort of excited that there may be a pattern...am I imagining this or am I on to something? If there's a pattern there may be a chance I can be proactive with my actions before it goes out of control.

[LoveNotWar]

Here's a pattern I think I'm seeing before he dysregulates:

He doesn't look me in the eye

He won't sit still, he finds chores to do, paces, talks to he dog, gets on the computer then walks away from the computer, up and down the stairs with no purpose, sits w/me for a minute then he's up again

His body is tense

His eyes/face look different had to describe, theres just a "look"

Then he starts with the hard fire questions, could be about anything but it's always stuff he thinks I was supposed to do ie: did you call the electric company, did you eat today, did you get the tags for the boat

Then the complaints/criticisms start ie: you pet the dog before you said hello to me, you never answer my texts when you are with your d, you think everyone's more important than me

Then I start to validate but last weekend it got ahead of me...

The funny thing is, I walked through the door last weekend and saw the pacing and I thought about  leaving right away but I wasn't trusting my instincts. So I stayed until he dysregulated.

I am sort of excited that there may be a pattern...am I imagining this or am I on to something? If there's a pattern there may be a chance I can be proactive with my actions before it goes out of control.

[Easydoesitnow]

Hi LNW,

There is definitely a pattern in the case of my uBPDexbf.  The first thing I notice is him rubbing his sternum in a downward motion.  The next is an intensity and tension in his voice.  Then he will start saying nasty things and suddenly he will snap and lose control.

Yesterday we spent 9 hours together, which is too long, even for 'normal' people to spend in one on one communication.  I noticed him rubbing his chest and I de-escalated the conversation to light, friendly trivia before making a pretty speedy exit.  Crisis averted.

[isilme]

I've noticed that myuBPDBF, who I suspect is pre-diabetic, seems to dysregulate at times when I think he's gone too long without eating.  Diabetics whose sugar levels are off can be irrational, and so I think with his emotional control problems, any sugar deviations really don't help.  I have finally convinced him he needs snacks at work, since he often gets stuck working past regular quitting time, and even found some emergency blood sugar regulators - little things that look like antacids and he got hopeful they might keep hi from crashing.

There is no set clue in his behavior a lot of the time, as he can dysregulate between sitting quietly playing video games and me leaving the room for a few minutes and coming back and he's completely angry over something - could be the game, could be a lot of things.  So I am working on having food prepared at as regular as I can times - he may eat what I cook, he may not - he will be starving an still not eat is he is engrossed in something, but I tried. 

[Wanda]

 My husband use to and still will try to first start an argument of somesort due to he just needs to vent, and when he gets disregulated he rubs his hands together alot. due to thinking about his anger he needs to let out lucky for me this doesn't happen alot and when it does it is short and sweet.  many years ago though rubbing of the hands talking to himself trying to sort it all out was a must and trying to pick and argument of any kind. to this day when he rubs his hands together and claps them i will shiver due to the  past and why he would do it..

[CodependentHusband]

Patterns... ahhhh! Oh so MANY patterns. Just when I think I've spotted a pattern, she changes them. It's almost like they know... and are trying to keep you off balance! . I don't think that this is necessarily the case in reality, but it does seem that way.


In my opinion, it is likely that the BPD senses the non's comfort level when the BPD is doing certain things that typically triggered the non in the past. This perceived comfort/calmness in the non is unnerving to the BPD... they think that the non no longer cares, or something along those lines. The BPD has just GOT to get a reaction from the non. Anyway, whatever my theory is worth...

[GreenMango]

I could confidently say that the pattern of disregulation occured with my ex in instances where he felt insecure...Many times I wouldn't have been there or thought it was innocuous.

The reaction pattern:
It used to start by him making this clicking sound with his tongue and jaw which would speed up, then he would start to fidget and pace, and then the non-linear rapid fire questions/comments which would lead up to him asking me a question that could be a conflict inciting question...where that went was totally up to me.  I could tell when this would be happening over text too...no clicking sounds but pretty much the same. 

Later, he called the non-linear stuff his Virginia Woolf moments...

-GM

[eeyore]

Patterns... ahhhh! Oh so MANY patterns. Just when I think I've spotted a pattern, she changes them. It's almost like they know... and are trying to keep you off balance! . I don't think that this is necessarily the case in reality, but it does seem that way.

Great description of walking on eggshells.  For me I found not letting them get me off balance has helped me a lot.  If I come home and he seem ready to start picking at little stuff and he can't have a dialogue (just a monologue with himself)  then I generally find a way to do my own thing away from him.  I'll go to the guest bedroom and read, watch tv, or get on my laptop with the guise that I have to work and for him to leave me alone to concentrate on work. 

I found the pattern is when he talks to his ex he gets this way.  So  now he doesn't tell me when he talks to her I just know and I don't ask.  It's his stuff to deal with.   Yesterday he said she had called and he needed to get together to discuss business with her but he had a migraine and didn't want to talk much more to me about it.  I got the cliff notes which was fine.  Today he met her to have a face to face discussion about their business.  After, he called me and let me know he had met with her and he wasn't feeling well and he was going to try to rest.  I was out of town and said thanks have a good rest and didn't come home until 6pm.  We exchanged pleasantries when I got home, but  he seemed ready to get his fix (belittle me)  so I ordered dinner out for myself and went and got it.  When I came home we sat together and had dinner.  He cooked his own.  The rest of the evening was quiet. 

He knew he couldn't take out his frustrations with her out on me.  :-)  I've stated my boundary is I want to live my life free of drama.  If he wants to have the chaos it's his to deal with.   I'm out of the drama triangle and I'm happy. 

[LoveNotWar]

This is interesting. I can watch for signs and take proactive steps to avoid the dreaded rages. Wanda, I get what you are saying about shivering to this day, . I've only been in this r/s for a short time in comparison but I also start to cringe when I see my DPDh start his pacing and when he raises his voice I start to shake. Hey...that should be when I make my exit right? Boy I'm a little slow  .

Good advice from all, thank you!  I am getting so much better at being mindful of my own signals and knowing when I need to leave a situation, and I know I can't get off balance or it will be ugly  ?.

I wonder if it would help to suggest a walk or run when I see the pacing? I'm a big believer that exercise releases endorphins that are positive. Also, I can do something loving and kind and then make an excuse to get outta there if I see the signs.

Do you think, given some time they calm themselves, or do they NEED to eventually dysregulate as some kind of release?

LNW

[CodependentHusband]

Exercise does work well, but I don't dare suggest to her that she do it! Lol not because I'm on egg shells as much as I know not to put a stick in a hornets' nest.

[onAmission]

Exercise makes a huge difference to my DBPDH. He refuses to accept he is BP, much less take medication. He started running about 3 years ago &, though he is totally obsessive about it & judges me for not running, it does help his mood a good bit. Recently, his OCD caused him to push the running too much & he has injured himself & can't run. It only took about 2-3 days of knowing he can't run to start his mood changes.

I do see a pattern when he is moving toward dysregulation. He is fidgity, can't stay still, asks lots of questions as if he is "investigating" me & my daily activities. He is negative about work & finances & yes, his facial expressions are "different". Does not look me in the eye unless to glare or "question" me with his eyes.

It can be VERY unnerving & I try to recognize it as FOG. But this is hard stuff sometimes. I am really struggling lately. He has not been this dysregulated in several months but with his running out for now, it is getting bad & I am out of practice.

[onAmission]

Oh yeah, and picking an argument - ALWAYS a great clue - does it every time! 

[jardin]

Generally speaking, there are going to be "patterns" before any of us - BPD or not - dysregulate.  It's as good to recognize them in others (so we can get out of dodge, protect ourselves, stay calm if warranted, etc) as it is in ourselves.  My T constantly has me checking in with myself - lots of questions like - how does it feel physically when you think about that, hear about that, talk about it, etc.  Like now I know that nausea is a pretty sure symptom of anxiety...muscle tension in my neck a pretty sure symptom of anger.  It's helpful to notice that as it allows me to ride out the feeling and recognize the issue; it also helps me take steps immediately to address those issues after the feeling has passed. 

I guess a long way of saying - sure, they have patterns when they're going to lose it in one way or another.  So do we.  How does it feel to you when he walks in the room screaming, pacing, etc.  When you feel that way, can you stand it or do you try to take steps to alleviate the painful stuff, pacify him, help the situation.  I'm working hard on just riding them out without tripping into secondary emotions; it helps me prevent codependence and I learn a lot about what I value and do and do not want in my life.  Just a thought on how to change up the experience when you're in the middle of an episode...focus on them or focus on you...   

[LoveNotWar]

Jardin, thanks for the reminder to be mindful of myself. I AM the only person I can control.

[needbpdhelp]

Hi LNW,

Look for patterns in his complaints also, and use your mindful thoughts to see if there is anything you can do to help ease the tension. If the example you gave is typical. both the pattern leading to dysfunctional emotions, and the complaints themselves seem like those of an insecure fearful person, which BPDs are known to be - even the blustery ones. 

Grab him when he comes through the front door and give him a big hug and kiss, maybe.

needBPDhelp

[Inspirationneeded]

Looks like huge postive steps for you with mindfulness.  Doesn't seem so bizarre and unpredictable when you can see signs ahead of time huh?   

To reiterate what  Codepenentthusband and Jardin said, be sure you are being mindful of your actions as well.  When dysregulated, they will often take cues from how you respond to them.  "Oh he/she is angry too!  Then I do have a right to be angry, gonna let he/she have it!"

It's like if you saw a hysterical person on the street.  Everyone knows not to spook that person any more than they already are.  In an attempt to help, and not make matters worse, we would all use our calm and reassuring voice to try to discover the real problem.  Even if we were confused, scared and hurt on the inside.     

[goinbonkers]

Here's a pattern I think I'm seeing before he dysregulates:

He doesn't look me in the eye

He won't sit still, he finds chores to do, paces, talks to he dog, gets on the computer then walks away from the computer, up and down the stairs with no purpose, sits w/me for a minute then he's up again

His body is tense

His eyes/face look different had to describe, theres just a "look"

Then he starts with the hard fire questions, could be about anything but it's always stuff he thinks I was supposed to do ie: did you call the electric company, did you eat today, did you get the tags for the boat

Then the complaints/criticisms start ie: you pet the dog before you said hello to me, you never answer my texts when you are with your d, you think everyone's more important than me

Then I start to validate but last weekend it got ahead of me...

The funny thing is, I walked through the door last weekend and saw the pacing and I thought about  leaving right away but I wasn't trusting my instincts. So I stayed until he dysregulated.

I am sort of excited that there may be a pattern...am I imagining this or am I on to something? If there's a pattern there may be a chance I can be proactive with my actions before it goes out of control.

consider yourself lucky. 

i get not warning at all.  literally within milliseconds, its boom DYSREGULATION time for my BPDw.

[LoveNotWar]

Yes, I've had that happen too on occasion but as I reflect I can see there's often a "tell". Not always, but often.
You are right...I am lucky in many ways. He's in therapy, he's trying, I'm trying to learn how not to make it worse. I definitely have hope! 

[goinbonkers]

Yes, I've had that happen too on occasion but as I reflect I can see there's often a "tell". Not always, but often.
You are right...I am lucky in many ways. He's in therapy, he's trying, I'm trying to learn how not to make it worse. I definitely have hope! 

Yep you are very lucky indeed.  Mine is still on the same kick that she's always been on for years and years and years and years which is... she doesn't need therapy because NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HER.  ugh.

[LoveNotWar]

I didn't say my h doesn't think I'm the crazy one... and who knows what he tells his T but it seems like she's on top of it  .

I am sorry this has been such a long struggle for you with no hope in sight. I have been married for 20 months and it has about done me in. I just don't know how so many of the folks here have done this for years. You all are much tougher than I am.