Tired out and she is an adult now...

[Think About It....]

I posted about my situation in the intro section and I am just too tired to write it all again. Just need to pour out today, maybe get a little support and hope tomorrow is better. I have an adult daughter who recently told me she was BPD. Today...

Early morning I ask her for any resources she has.

She replies with a list of things I have apparently done wrong in her childhood. I am apparently wrong in every area. I have never ever said sorry ( I say sorry I got it so wrong about once a week...)

Then things get brought up and she does not know if she can ever forgive me.

I have done x and y and whatever I say about how it was actually done to try and help Just saying I am sorry (whether wrong or not but no problem to tell her just a plain I am sorry,) does not help.

I wish I never asked for the info. Apparently, most of the info on the net is inaccurate.

Of course she wants to know where I have read stuff- there is NO way she is going to get to this board if I have anything to do with it. If she did I would be accused of telling the bad stuff to everyone. I have even offended her by adding a couple of church friends that are mutual on fb..I am NOT to have friends who are also her friends. I am NOT to cross my boundaries  even if she frequently crosses mine. I am NOT to yada yada.

Finally I say I cannot cope with this any more today. I can ask for her to forgive (heck what about all the reasons I did what I did trying to protect her. What about all the times I am there for her in every crisis. NO I am just junk in her life...)

That is about 11 am. By 2 am I get the next call. She chats away as if we are best buddies and always have been.

bY that time I am blaming myself, feel like nothing on earth, want to cry and can get nothng done.

But of course I have to be the level adult one...Someone here has to be consistent.

I should congratulate myself. This cycle used to take about 3 weeks and it is down to a few hours.

Of course her husband "thinks I am wierd too." Her friends think I am inapropriate to add them if they ask on fb/ Today I fall into the trap of thinking this all might be true. It isn't. I look for her friends to delete on fb and actually have very few and they are all there because of a non- related church reason apart from one who kind of seems to want to talk about their own stuff to me.

I am tired today. Soooooooo tired.

Then it dawns on me that I always did the best I could. When a child is violent surely it is better to try and get help than stand there and allow them to kill you. THAT  is what it is all about. Because I sought help for her I broke her trust. Heck...what on EARTH else was I supposed to do. Oh and daddy of course did not see this happening and got and believed her reports of anything that happened...

Now she has decided she might NOT be BPD...I don't know about diagnosis, but it sure helps to know this stuff fits.

However, I would give my right arm for just one day's normality. Just one day when I did not walk on egg shells and just one day when the replies did not end up with these accusations that leave me reeling. If I had acted out of the blue then yes, she would have a point. But surely all you can do is your best and it was my best all those years ago when nobody was listenig apart from the few friends who saw what went on in action.

Telling her half the time I talked to the Samaritans does not help. I have apparently bad mouthed her to all my friends. Actually usually I was saying GOOD stuff. I prefer her brother...not true. They are different and I love them equally and think he suffered because she took my time...

Oh for just a normal day when I did not feel my energy was zapped.

[Gentle Lady]

I posted about my situation in the intro section and I am just too tired to write it all again. Just need to pour out today, maybe get a little support and hope tomorrow is better. I have an adult daughter who recently told me she was BPD. Today...

Early morning I ask her for any resources she has.

She replies with a list of things I have apparently done wrong in her childhood. I am apparently wrong in every area. I have never ever said sorry ( I say sorry I got it so wrong about once a week...)

Then things get brought up and she does not know if she can ever forgive me.

I have done x and y and whatever I say about how it was actually done to try and help Just saying I am sorry (whether wrong or not but no problem to tell her just a plain I am sorry,) does not help.

I wish I never asked for the info. Apparently, most of the info on the net is inaccurate.

Of course she wants to know where I have read stuff- there is NO way she is going to get to this board if I have anything to do with it. If she did I would be accused of telling the bad stuff to everyone. I have even offended her by adding a couple of church friends that are mutual on fb..I am NOT to have friends who are also her friends. I am NOT to cross my boundaries  even if she frequently crosses mine. I am NOT to yada yada.

Finally I say I cannot cope with this any more today. I can ask for her to forgive (heck what about all the reasons I did what I did trying to protect her. What about all the times I am there for her in every crisis. NO I am just junk in her life...)

That is about 11 am. By 2 am I get the next call. She chats away as if we are best buddies and always have been.

bY that time I am blaming myself, feel like nothing on earth, want to cry and can get nothng done.

But of course I have to be the level adult one...Someone here has to be consistent.

I should congratulate myself. This cycle used to take about 3 weeks and it is down to a few hours.

Of course her husband "thinks I am wierd too." Her friends think I am inapropriate to add them if they ask on fb/ Today I fall into the trap of thinking this all might be true. It isn't. I look for her friends to delete on fb and actually have very few and they are all there because of a non- related church reason apart from one who kind of seems to want to talk about their own stuff to me.

I am tired today. Soooooooo tired.

Then it dawns on me that I always did the best I could. When a child is violent surely it is better to try and get help than stand there and allow them to kill you. THAT  is what it is all about. Because I sought help for her I broke her trust. Heck...what on EARTH else was I supposed to do. Oh and daddy of course did not see this happening and got and believed her reports of anything that happened...

Now she has decided she might NOT be BPD...I don't know about diagnosis, but it sure helps to know this stuff fits.

However, I would give my right arm for just one day's normality. Just one day when I did not walk on egg shells and just one day when the replies did not end up with these accusations that leave me reeling. If I had acted out of the blue then yes, she would have a point. But surely all you can do is your best and it was my best all those years ago when nobody was listenig apart from the few friends who saw what went on in action.

Telling her half the time I talked to the Samaritans does not help. I have apparently bad mouthed her to all my friends. Actually usually I was saying GOOD stuff. I prefer her brother...not true. They are different and I love them equally and think he suffered because she took my time...

Oh for just a normal day when I did not feel my energy was zapped.

[trytrytry]

Dear Gentlelady,
I feel your pain, cause I've been there too.  All my dreams of "normal" family life are faded.  Best wishes, and remember, we only need to do this one day at a time.

[Outsidemom]

Gentle lady,

My situation with my BPDd22 is similar to yours.  I think what hurts so much is the shock when they tell you how they feel, for the moment, about all of OUR failings and how WE have hurt them.  Any normal parent will discipline their kids about where they are going and who they hang around with.  The BPD sees it as a statement against who they are, and how we don't like who they are.

It is the pain of rejection by your child, for reasons we are clueless about.  You aren't at fault

I am trying to reestablish a normal family life, be sometimes it feels like pushing a great big lead ball up  a hill - if you stop to take a breather, it rolls back down.

[Gentle Lady]

Thanks for the replies. I am just so glad to have found a place where I can talk about this. The last few days were just really hard as my daughter just went through so many cycles. I think I got it all out now. One really sad thing is that in the to and fro of her texting I found that there really had been a misunderstanding during a counselling session where I really did say she was not important because I misheard what the counsellor said. I never did understand what happened that day and none of us realised I misheard the question. What I was actually answering was was counselling with another person than this counsellor important for me just now. Apparently, the question was was my daughter more important. I guess, fresh out of a divorce and coping with a lot else, I just got confused and I was so nervous myself that day. In fact I was really angry at the counsellor for producing my daughter's reaction and as we still have a relationship I had NO IDEA this was an issue. It would have been for anyone. Yesterday I finally got to put that right which I think really helped. I was so upset to realise that I caused that pain even if by mis hearing. It made me realise that you have to be very clear and qualify your statements with BPD kids - although this was with my daughter as an adult.

Perhaps the hardest thing when they throw the unjustified comments is not to let it affect us. To say it is the BPD and not them and remember it will cycle round.

After the incident above, I actually gained a great deal of admiration for my daughter. She heard that, believed I meant it and still carried on. I am so thankful that she forgave me even if yesterday she claimed she never had.

You see since that time she actually gave a testimony in church about how much I had helped her and been there for her.

I think it helps to see the ideal self as the real view of our relationship even if sometimes the negative makes us crazy.

Lately, we have been to and throwing a lot and I have been telling her WHY I did things. It sometimes throws her off, but I do think somehow it is getting processed.

She had a real big issue with me ringing someone every time she got violent. She say it as betrayal. I have now explained to her it was difficult to know what to do, that I felt alone, and that at the time it seemed safer. If I was on the phone to someone I was not arguing with her and she was less likely to hit me again. I think I may eventually be able to tell her my other reason. I always tell others that any kind of abuse cannot be covered up. If you are hurt by someone and abused you should tell. First, she has to understand the behaviour as abusive.

I think the therapy she is having will help there.

The other thing I think I finally learned is not to explain things in a sorry. Just to say I am sorry. I suspect this will have to be said over and over and over. I now just say I am sorry even if I think I am right. I think, "I am sorry that was not the right thing for you."

Previously, I had a fear of doing that because she is so controlling. I was frightened of her control. Actually, it breaks the control factor because what is there to control if the other person took away your ammunition?

To any parent whose child is phyically abusive, the lesson I learned too late was that as soon as anything was brewing I needed to be out of the house and away. (Taking her brother and anyone else with me.) It worked because then there was no target. The risk was she might cut her wrists, but then again nobody was the there to give attention for that. Obviously you cannot do this with a younger child.

Just in case it helps anyone to feel that they are normal after all whatever normal is...

Here are some of the Lowlights

Yes, pills and suicide attempts

Having my head repeatedly smashed against the wall. Ending up in hospital being told not to move at all or I could be paralysed for life.

Being pushed down stairs.

Hiding the bruises and cuts at work.

Never ever having a family occasion that did not have a crisis before it.

Having her brother say 'she always needs you, why don't you have time for me?'

Learning she tried to strangle her brother...

"Men" following her which I did not believe.

Stories of taking every drug and drink under the sun which I half believe.

In care she was raped. I cannot believe how they let that happen.

School refusal

Oh well there is more but if anyone wants to be believed. I BELIEVE YOU.

Actually I support some mums where I live -because the average normal person would not believe you could go through this stuff or that the lovely child they see when you are out is the same child.

I learned always to call the police. It is LOVE not hate to call the police on a violent person, and safer. In the end she was in care for a while - then the social worker told me finally she had seen all the behaviours and sent her back home...

One would think we could never ever get through all that. It helped that she 'found the Lord' at sixteen. The behaviours calmed in that she was no longer violent. She even apologised. However the BPD is still there in terms of the love-hate thing.

We cannot know the traumas our child goes through in detail. It may be parenting but not always. My daughter as I already said, knew about murder, was abused by a stranger, and much more. That is probably why I put up with the violence. I did see a pattern that was text book. The missing link was that I did not know about BPD because I suspect this has been believed in more in the last few years. My daughter is in her late 20's. Things happen to throw our kids out of destiny.

We are God's gift to them to help them get back into it.