Trying not to let his stress suck me in

[Think About It...]

So last week it was a history paper / oral presentation causing BF to dysregulate all over the place and threaten to toss me out into the street, managing to push all my childhood trauma buttons in the process.  It took me a few days to get over my own out of control emotions.  He 'solved' his problem by telling his teacher he did not want to do an oral exam and would accept a bad grade, but submitted his written paper.  Talked a lot about being worried he'd hurt his teacher's feelings (mine, nah). 

Saturday we went shopping in the city - had a nice lunch and dinner there.  He tried to get me to tell him what I wanted for my birthday - since you can't wrap up great mental health and a marriage proposal to follow, and I HATE telling people what I want (my own issues - feels very selfish) I couldn't think of anything.  No books - have plenty and read too fast for them to be a 'good' present - you might as well give me a bag of chips - a book would be used up about the same.  No costume jewelry - never wear it and kinda really want some thing nice and 'real' but know its too pricey.  No movies, rarely watch them.  No games - doing the majority of the chores I have no time for them.  And that's pretty much what was in the area.  I know there are things I want, but DON'T want to ask for them, and don't want them as a birthday gift (Pavestones for a project in the backyard?  Rubber mulch, also for the backyard?  Curtain making supplies?).  It's like telling him how much I think I am worth or being that kind of bossy, demanding woman I see in others and just can't be.  So he got stuff he wanted and needed, which was a main reason for the trip, anyway.  Come this Saturday we'll see if he picked anything on his own, or just gave up like usual.     

THIS week it's a mid-term Thursday and a voluntary art show tonight giving him cause to panic and freak out.  I have done my best to stay out of this one.

Monday was easy - he went to set up at the gallery and was gone most of the night, so I enjoyed a bike ride, used a new weedeater a bit, and since the moon was really big, pulled out the telescope for a bit.  He was thoughtful enough to call late (9) and ask if I'd like something for dinner, and picked it up.  I went to bed hours before him.

Tuesday - he wakes up 'sick' calls in to work, and spends the day repairing some old paintings for the show - he felt he'd not taken enough in to show.  He's also obsessing over being able to sell his art (after years of not caring).  He had the car Monday, so I went Tuesday for groceries, got home to find him still painting, tried to validate and keep the burgeoning dysregulation at bay.  Sort of successful - ate alone and started work on my own hopefully salable craft (it's fun anyway - making little yarn dolls).  The store trip threw me off, so I went to bed later than I'd intended, but still made it a while before he came in.

Today - called in again.  I can't tell if he's sick, sick from stress, or just wants to paint instead of going to work.  Had he arranged to be off these last two days ahead of time I'd feel it was cool.  But I worry this is just going to strain his already stressful relationship with his boss.  He was to have had his stuff ready in time for me to drop him off at the campus gallery on my way back to work after lunch.  He was not.  So since it's a nice day and frankly I didn't want to be called for a ride while at work, I told him I'd walk back to work, and could get home after - for him to use the car.  He tried to grumble about it, starting on a favorite rant about how he's not allowed to have a car (goes back to his family being inconsistent with their car granting.  There were reasons, but he really resents never having that car at 16 and doesn't realize at 34 if he made it a goal he cold BUY his own.).   He tried to argue, I just packed up a raincoat in case and left.  He called me just a while ago asking where I'd put something he needed and tried to grumble over the phone about it.  I got off quickly.

I feel a little agitated myself, and know it's due to his agitation.  I am trying to not ride this roller coaster.  So I came on here to type and get it out (it really helps) and I am going to look at LolCats in a minute.   ;p

[isilme]

So last week it was a history paper / oral presentation causing BF to dysregulate all over the place and threaten to toss me out into the street, managing to push all my childhood trauma buttons in the process.  It took me a few days to get over my own out of control emotions.  He 'solved' his problem by telling his teacher he did not want to do an oral exam and would accept a bad grade, but submitted his written paper.  Talked a lot about being worried he'd hurt his teacher's feelings (mine, nah). 

Saturday we went shopping in the city - had a nice lunch and dinner there.  He tried to get me to tell him what I wanted for my birthday - since you can't wrap up great mental health and a marriage proposal to follow, and I HATE telling people what I want (my own issues - feels very selfish) I couldn't think of anything.  No books - have plenty and read too fast for them to be a 'good' present - you might as well give me a bag of chips - a book would be used up about the same.  No costume jewelry - never wear it and kinda really want some thing nice and 'real' but know its too pricey.  No movies, rarely watch them.  No games - doing the majority of the chores I have no time for them.  And that's pretty much what was in the area.  I know there are things I want, but DON'T want to ask for them, and don't want them as a birthday gift (Pavestones for a project in the backyard?  Rubber mulch, also for the backyard?  Curtain making supplies?).  It's like telling him how much I think I am worth or being that kind of bossy, demanding woman I see in others and just can't be.  So he got stuff he wanted and needed, which was a main reason for the trip, anyway.  Come this Saturday we'll see if he picked anything on his own, or just gave up like usual.     

THIS week it's a mid-term Thursday and a voluntary art show tonight giving him cause to panic and freak out.  I have done my best to stay out of this one.

Monday was easy - he went to set up at the gallery and was gone most of the night, so I enjoyed a bike ride, used a new weedeater a bit, and since the moon was really big, pulled out the telescope for a bit.  He was thoughtful enough to call late (9) and ask if I'd like something for dinner, and picked it up.  I went to bed hours before him.

Tuesday - he wakes up 'sick' calls in to work, and spends the day repairing some old paintings for the show - he felt he'd not taken enough in to show.  He's also obsessing over being able to sell his art (after years of not caring).  He had the car Monday, so I went Tuesday for groceries, got home to find him still painting, tried to validate and keep the burgeoning dysregulation at bay.  Sort of successful - ate alone and started work on my own hopefully salable craft (it's fun anyway - making little yarn dolls).  The store trip threw me off, so I went to bed later than I'd intended, but still made it a while before he came in.

Today - called in again.  I can't tell if he's sick, sick from stress, or just wants to paint instead of going to work.  Had he arranged to be off these last two days ahead of time I'd feel it was cool.  But I worry this is just going to strain his already stressful relationship with his boss.  He was to have had his stuff ready in time for me to drop him off at the campus gallery on my way back to work after lunch.  He was not.  So since it's a nice day and frankly I didn't want to be called for a ride while at work, I told him I'd walk back to work, and could get home after - for him to use the car.  He tried to grumble about it, starting on a favorite rant about how he's not allowed to have a car (goes back to his family being inconsistent with their car granting.  There were reasons, but he really resents never having that car at 16 and doesn't realize at 34 if he made it a goal he cold BUY his own.).   He tried to argue, I just packed up a raincoat in case and left.  He called me just a while ago asking where I'd put something he needed and tried to grumble over the phone about it.  I got off quickly.

I feel a little agitated myself, and know it's due to his agitation.  I am trying to not ride this roller coaster.  So I came on here to type and get it out (it really helps) and I am going to look at LolCats in a minute.   ;p

[jessicapuppy]

Sounds like you're doing a good job, to me! 

LolCats are great any time

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[Clearmind]

isilme - hugs to you. Happy Birthday.

isilme it does sound like you are doing well ~ then you posted. Whats happening right now? He has an exhibition I am assuming ~ are you waiting for the rage, accusations and blame to be sent in your direction. Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?

[isilme]

Hi - sorry for the delay in responding.  I took a day off for a relax-day for myself for my birthday, and it helped me loads, but I don't like to post on here unless I am at work - I fear the computer browser will betray me someday, and don't want to take that risk. 

The exhibition went well, I think, but artists can both be overly sensitive themselves and not sensitive about what they say to others, and BF felt a bit invalidated by others.  Even with people paying attention to him and complimenting him, it's so hard for him to take anything GOOD away from such things.  I think they just never live up to his expectations. 

I was not really walking on eggshells, as I was simply just staying to myself for most of the week.  It was the only way I think I managed to detach from feeling I had to 'help' by doing too much for BF.  That's what I am working most on - not having my gut reaction to his beginning to rage as jumping in to 'fix' things - it never fixes anything and just makes him more mad it seems, so I try to stay out unless he drags me in like about a week ago.

I try to allow that he has his own emotions, and he's allowed to them, and I am allowed to not like his choice of expressing them. 

So he can be mad - I do not have to 'fix' it.  I should not try to make him no mad.  BUT I also should not allow myself to bear the brunt of any of this anger as it (often) has nothing to do with me.  I should not allow him to project his procrastination anger at himself onto me.  So I spent a lot of the week in other rooms (easier when he's working in the office/studio room) reading and working on my own crafty stuff, and trying to get back into pencil sketching (too dependent on computers for drawing these days). 

Had a decent exchange when he was surprised I wanted my own sketchbook - he didn't understand it was not acceptable to me to have to ask him where all the art supplies are anytime I need/want them (but the converse would be an impossible arrangement for him, I know - empathy lacking, there).

He is puzzled I have little 'passion' or excitement about most things - little preference.  I can't figure out how to say having low or little expectation(s) has been a good safety for me to not be disappointed by family or even him for not making me any sort of priority (When we were younger, leaving town with friends for spring break while I had to stay working at my FT job to support us topped my birthday for a few years running.  And he never seemed to get it how much that hurt, turning me into the bad guy for being hurt by it... It's gotten better, but after family doing that, and him doing that, I try to hope for very, very little - it's just safer).  And since he can go off the handle by his dinner choice being closed unexpectedly, while I can just pick the next place down the street, we have a very different way of looking at things.  For him, any adversity is a battle.  For me, if I am blocked, I find a work around if possible, and only if there is no other solution will I resort to confrontation.  Anger/confrontation are usually his first and only resource - I can say he is working on that, but it's two steps forward, 1.5 steps back a lot. 

So I keep my expectations and hopes pretty low, or at least realistic, on the scale of things, to prevent disappointment.  He allows his hopes to top that scale, and is always disappointed.  I guess to a person who experiences such a huge range of emotion, often in short periods of time, my programed control, and somewhat neutral emotions don't make sense. 


Also, since we both work full time, but when at home I do almost all the chores, cooking and grocery shopping, car maintenance, yard work (the only way they get done, I have lost most of my resentment about it.  It is what it is - if I want a clean house... I clean.) I am just plain too tired to have a lot of energy for hobbies. 

The birthday went pretty well, and the day off work and uninterrupted sleep helped a lot (he hates me being asleep when he is awake.  He is conceding that I should go to bed when tired, but he doesn't understand I sleep so lightly, that there are days we can go to bed together and I still get less sleep, and so will want a nap or to sleep in longer.  He claims to hate being unconscious, and hates being asleep. - anyone else have this stated?) 

I think a lot of my emotional overload was just sheer exhaustion on my part, not being able to sleep well at nights during the workweek - so I admit to saying in bed a lot of the day, but also got a few things done and then spent a good part of my birthday cleaning for guests, but it didn't tire or stress me out.  I even enjoyed some of it (bought myself a steam mop and 'played' with it).  BF did very well trying to set up a nice evening, had a surprise call from an NC FOO member - my dad's youngest sister.  It was awkward, but she tried and made more effort than any other relative save my brothers who Facebooked me and/or called.  So I think I will try to email her once a month and see how that goes. 

BF has two more big deadlines I know of coming up - a final exam in maybe a month, and a big semesterly project at work that usually is handled badly by his boss and left for him to fix, so I can validate pretty well, there, as it's easy to validate when you agree and can sympathize. 

Bad news, he needs some oral surgery done soon - good news, we know why he's been having horrible migraines so often. 

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