I still want to tell her

[Think About It...]

Even after all this time I still think I can fix it.  Geeze will this ever get better.  I know in my heart I can't change it but.  read below if you want to know what happened, otherwise this is my question...What I really am struggling with is?  I so want, after she gets past all of this is to in some way bring up, how she is going to always have things that come up in her life and might want to have a plan ...  I don't know? 

Do they not ever realize that any kind of crisis they have trouble with.  She talks about being so mad she had a panic attach, had to go to dr.  Now wouldn't you think they would figure out, instead of reacting like they do, just want to know how to deal with it.  It is like they want to get rid of everyone that doesn't make it a perfect world for them.  Yet,  when she is doing well she is so logical, well logical on most things... 

As usually, BPD dd was having a great day.  Happy from what I got from some pic's and text she sent.  Then came the letter that landlord had not recieved last months rent, as her bf had told her had been sent.  He has had some real financial issues with child support and was trying to get things rolling there.  Anyway, because I am helping with her part of the rent since she had the baby and hasn't worked for 2 months, i also recieved the email.  Her interpretation of the email was totally different than what I read.  neadless to say, it sent her into a tail spin.  Her texts consisted of, shall I move out, shall I find a different place, bf lies and lies, I need to go back to school so I can get a full time job, that means leaving baby at child care, i am a piece of sh_ _ .  why do I may such horrible choices, etc etc etc... Her last text was don't worry about flying us home next month,  I can't ever show my face to family again, I am so ashamed.    I am sure you all know the drill.   

Well bf is taking over the money owed today, it is all working out.  I hope anyway.  I just read her text, told her I knew she was upset, yes I had seen the email from the landlord.  I did call bf business to make sure he had seen the email as he and I have worked out my paying part of rent for a few months.  Of course he mentioned I had talked to him.  then she said,  oh I am so horrible, why didn't I know you called him...

[somuchlove]

Even after all this time I still think I can fix it.  Geeze will this ever get better.  I know in my heart I can't change it but.  read below if you want to know what happened, otherwise this is my question...What I really am struggling with is?  I so want, after she gets past all of this is to in some way bring up, how she is going to always have things that come up in her life and might want to have a plan ...  I don't know? 

Do they not ever realize that any kind of crisis they have trouble with.  She talks about being so mad she had a panic attach, had to go to dr.  Now wouldn't you think they would figure out, instead of reacting like they do, just want to know how to deal with it.  It is like they want to get rid of everyone that doesn't make it a perfect world for them.  Yet,  when she is doing well she is so logical, well logical on most things... 

As usually, BPD dd was having a great day.  Happy from what I got from some pic's and text she sent.  Then came the letter that landlord had not recieved last months rent, as her bf had told her had been sent.  He has had some real financial issues with child support and was trying to get things rolling there.  Anyway, because I am helping with her part of the rent since she had the baby and hasn't worked for 2 months, i also recieved the email.  Her interpretation of the email was totally different than what I read.  neadless to say, it sent her into a tail spin.  Her texts consisted of, shall I move out, shall I find a different place, bf lies and lies, I need to go back to school so I can get a full time job, that means leaving baby at child care, i am a piece of sh_ _ .  why do I may such horrible choices, etc etc etc... Her last text was don't worry about flying us home next month,  I can't ever show my face to family again, I am so ashamed.    I am sure you all know the drill.   

Well bf is taking over the money owed today, it is all working out.  I hope anyway.  I just read her text, told her I knew she was upset, yes I had seen the email from the landlord.  I did call bf business to make sure he had seen the email as he and I have worked out my paying part of rent for a few months.  Of course he mentioned I had talked to him.  then she said,  oh I am so horrible, why didn't I know you called him...

[peaceplease]

somuchlove,

I am sorry that you  are still stuggling with words to tell your dd.  I am confused.  The statment of "I am so horrible, why didn't I know you called him."  Was she referring to you being horrible , or herself?  That she was horrible that she could not be told?  Or, you were horrible for calling bf and not telling her? 

I guess all that you can do is ask questions and validate her  feelings.

I know that just this morning my dd took something I said out of context  and it was not what I meant.  Geesh!  I told her that certain topic is off limits between us, so it will not happen, anymore. 

I try to let it roll off my shoulders.  It is her problem, not mine.  And, when she is ready to confront it -- GREAT!  But, when and if that ever happens, I will not internalize her problems.  I need to protect myself.

I hope your day gets better!

peaceplease

[somuchlove]

peaceplease,  thanks for you reply,  her responses were totally directed at herself.  I did valadate her being upset.  but that was all I said.  The only thing I did add was sorry it upset you that I called him,  just was checking to see if he had also gotten the email from the landlord that I had gotten. 

Have you ever, when dd calms down, mentioned to her about how she reacts and how hard it must be to handle tough issues that come up or may come up in their lives?  Just wondering?  Of course my dd would probably come back with, it is all my fault.  kiind of response. 

[LAHdedah]

Sounds as if your dd is being a little hard on herself.  Still, if my bf told me he'd paid the rent and I learned later he had not, I would be furious and would question if this is someone with whom I want a relationship.  After all, if he would lie about the rent, what else might he lie about?  I'd also wonder about the possibility of other unpaid bills.  Seems to me rent is one of the first priorities.  So, if that bill was left unpaid, what other bills are still owed?

I really don't blame your dd for being upset.

[qcarolr]

Seems the anger is appropriate if aimed at bf and his not being honest with her about he financial stuff. It is hard when as the parent we are in the middle of their r/s. How to find a way to keep your financial support in a seperate 'box' from the emotional assitance you give your DD with your very good validation of her feelings.

Somuchlove - you are too hard on yourself. Allow you DD to vent with all those texts - try not to take it in to such a deeply felt level with yourself. this is so so so hard. Today my DD brought up looking for her biofamily. She had been searching and the prices quoted were like $3000!  So I went to .org that we worked with in our adoption of her. Found the page for their reunification program, and sent and inquiry for the forms to apply. They sent them back that same day. So I mentioned to DD, after SHE brought it up, that I had these forms whenever she was ready. And that the price, since she was placed by their agency, was a max of $600 plus expenses. Maybe dh and I could help when things get better for us financially.

She was OK for a moment and then got really really angry. That she had emailed this agency and never got a response. I asked how she inquired - what did she ask - etc. And she got even more angy. ANd she stated this happens to her all the time. How come I get what I am needing/asking for and she gets nothing.  So I felt attacked for trying to help. I stayed sitting there but turned my head away and looked at the floor. THis make her made too - taking my attention away. But I needed time out. I must have said something about feeling attacked by her and I did not deserve this.

Then she took a breath and said "I am not attacking you mom, I am just mad it doesn't ever work out for me".  I am stunned. She actually listened while I said I searched into their site to find the program page and sent the email from there, not from the genreal inquiry form. Maybe a volunteer got her email and didn't know what to do with it. They still should have replied.

Then we got on with our day.

I hope something like this starts to happen for you somuchlove. Give your love, then give D some time and space. She can work out her solutions.

qcr