4 months out - need to some objectivity please

[Think About It...]

Hi and first I really want to thank everyone here for posting your own stories.
You have been teaching me, validating my own reality and giving me the support I really needed : )

Starting off, I am now one day shy of 4 months since she moved out.
If you haven't seen any of my postings about my story, in a nutshell, my exg/f whom I have no doubt has BPD got me to the point where I hit my limit. The climax was me having a panic attack that left me confused, catatonic and disoriented (if you know me, the last thing you would ever associate me with is anxiety).
After the attack subsided, something in me clicked- a self preservation switch was hit. The constant chaos, lies, manipulation, bullying, distortions, gaslighting and smear campaigns--- I had enough.
I loved the illusion that was her in every way. Did my best to be a stand-up, good guy. Soothed her, supported, encouraged her non-stop. But I hit that point.

I told her I needed to sleep alone and center myself, by myself- to fix and heal what was wrong in me.
She reluctantly agreed. Alone, I felt better.

Maybe she felt me pulling away, shutting off- the abuse got 10x's worse and she used every tactic to try to destroy me.
Threats of lawsuits, smearing all over facebook, friends on and on.
Initally I only wanted some space to myself, but she ended up acting out even worse and putting her focus into moving back home to another state with her mother.

Four months later--
I have been strict NC.
She contacted me via email 5 times sporadically, four emails about three hundred dollars I owe her from a time when my work got slow (she laid out for things like normal couples do, con ed etc)and one wishing me and my cat a happy holiday. The only time I replied was in response to the fifth email about the money, noticing that she cc'd her own family as well as my mother (WTH?) I replied simply like I said ten times before she moved out, "I will send you the money asap, please stop contacting me and my family". She then promptly texted me that she was trying to be friends with me and I couldn't bear to read the rest. Hearing hurtful words from someone you love mounts up. I never replied to the text either.
That was all the contact. I blocked her in every way (FB, email etc).

This time has been, well a nightmare.
My self esteem and identity were wrecked!
I loved her so much, or what I thought was her.
Like an emotional groundhog day.

I started working out (which I haven't done in years). I have been making great strides in my career. Started dressing in three-piece suits everyday. I go to therapy every week.
I'm not dating and I can't. I'm still a mess and the thought of getting close to another female (sorry ladies) makes me shudder.
I lost a lot of hair from all this, and four months ago didn't even recognize myself. I looked weathered and haggered.
Nowadays, I still cry almost everyday, I'm not depressed like I was, but I still look to hear from her.?
-I have this fantasy in my mind, that she will get the help she needs and we will be together.
YES I KNOW, I'm trying to let that go.

This turned out to be more of a story and vent than a post seeking advice, yep I'm still after four months, missing her, or the connection, or forget it!

Thanks for reading and for any insight
I think my hair is growing back , I am getting my self back together.

[doingtheswim]

Hi and first I really want to thank everyone here for posting your own stories.
You have been teaching me, validating my own reality and giving me the support I really needed : )

Starting off, I am now one day shy of 4 months since she moved out.
If you haven't seen any of my postings about my story, in a nutshell, my exg/f whom I have no doubt has BPD got me to the point where I hit my limit. The climax was me having a panic attack that left me confused, catatonic and disoriented (if you know me, the last thing you would ever associate me with is anxiety).
After the attack subsided, something in me clicked- a self preservation switch was hit. The constant chaos, lies, manipulation, bullying, distortions, gaslighting and smear campaigns--- I had enough.
I loved the illusion that was her in every way. Did my best to be a stand-up, good guy. Soothed her, supported, encouraged her non-stop. But I hit that point.

I told her I needed to sleep alone and center myself, by myself- to fix and heal what was wrong in me.
She reluctantly agreed. Alone, I felt better.

Maybe she felt me pulling away, shutting off- the abuse got 10x's worse and she used every tactic to try to destroy me.
Threats of lawsuits, smearing all over facebook, friends on and on.
Initally I only wanted some space to myself, but she ended up acting out even worse and putting her focus into moving back home to another state with her mother.

Four months later--
I have been strict NC.
She contacted me via email 5 times sporadically, four emails about three hundred dollars I owe her from a time when my work got slow (she laid out for things like normal couples do, con ed etc)and one wishing me and my cat a happy holiday. The only time I replied was in response to the fifth email about the money, noticing that she cc'd her own family as well as my mother (WTH?) I replied simply like I said ten times before she moved out, "I will send you the money asap, please stop contacting me and my family". She then promptly texted me that she was trying to be friends with me and I couldn't bear to read the rest. Hearing hurtful words from someone you love mounts up. I never replied to the text either.
That was all the contact. I blocked her in every way (FB, email etc).

This time has been, well a nightmare.
My self esteem and identity were wrecked!
I loved her so much, or what I thought was her.
Like an emotional groundhog day.

I started working out (which I haven't done in years). I have been making great strides in my career. Started dressing in three-piece suits everyday. I go to therapy every week.
I'm not dating and I can't. I'm still a mess and the thought of getting close to another female (sorry ladies) makes me shudder.
I lost a lot of hair from all this, and four months ago didn't even recognize myself. I looked weathered and haggered.
Nowadays, I still cry almost everyday, I'm not depressed like I was, but I still look to hear from her.?
-I have this fantasy in my mind, that she will get the help she needs and we will be together.
YES I KNOW, I'm trying to let that go.

This turned out to be more of a story and vent than a post seeking advice, yep I'm still after four months, missing her, or the connection, or forget it!

Thanks for reading and for any insight
I think my hair is growing back , I am getting my self back together.

[doingtheswim]

Forgot to add this.
I sent her the check for the money owed about 1.5 weeks ago. No letter, nothing just the check.
Now I know that any kind of acknowledgment would be hard since I blocked her, but the after all the stuff about the money, it hasn't even been cashed yet?

[hithere]

4 months is not a long time, go easy on yourself, are you in therapy?  If not, then go.

You seem to be aware of the truth but your emotions are not willing to listen to the logic of your brain.

I am only 6 weeks out and I have some similar thoughts about her finally getting therapy and being able to change but I also know it is just a fantasy.

Keep exercising and taking care of yourself, with time it will get easier...or so they say  

but the after all the stuff about the money, it hasn't even been cashed yet?

It was probably more about keeping in contact with you than the money.  Maybe she will deny receiving it?

[doingtheswim]

4 months is not a long time, go easy on yourself, are you in therapy?  If not, then go.

You seem to be aware of the truth but your emotions are not willing to listen to the logic of your brain.

I am only 6 weeks out and I have some similar thoughts about her finally getting therapy and being able to change but I also know it is just a fantasy.

Keep exercising and taking care of yourself, with time it will get easier...or so they say  

but the after all the stuff about the money, it hasn't even been cashed yet?

It was probably more about keeping in contact with you than the money.  Maybe she will deny receiving it?

Hi hitthere,
I go to therapy every week, and you're right- I need to be more patient. I just want this hurt over.
It feels like a tooth-ache that has lasted 4 months.
Maybe you're right about the check. hmm.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[HostNoMore]

Hi doingtheswim,

It sounds like your cup finally filled up and overflowed with the BPD crap.  Congratulations on extricating yourself keep up the NC as it is the path to healing. 

It is good that you are working out.  Now, you need to work on getting her out of your head.

Learn about techniques to deal with ruminations.  You have to focus on retraining your brain.  Another technique I can recommend is to make a list of every little thing she did that wronged you or irritated you.  Trust me it will be very easy to do.

Each time you feel yourself pining for her you need to whip out that list and read it. 

Keep posting here and going to therapy.  Folks on this board understand and will support you.  Stay strong and focus on yourself which it sounds like you are doing. 

[Maria Carolina]

Hi doingtheswim
I'm glad you are improving, returning to your job is a very courageous thing to do.
 I am 3 months NC with the xBPDbf and some days are bad, others good but like you I'm beginning to feel better.
Focusing in yourself, your job and friends is a very good way to survive.
Missing her it's normal, you can't stop loving her in one day, it's a process. It really hurts but it will get better. Sometimes I miss my xBPDbf too but then I try to think in all the bad times and his inability to feel healthy love, that helps. Someday maybe you will realize that you are not missing the person but the idea of being in a r/s.
What I want to say to you is that we must feel proud of us b/c we are facing the problem, protecting ourselves. working in our own issues and following the right way to heal.
Be patient, strong and stay NC.
I send you a hug (I hope there is no shudders;)) and a lot of cheers, you deserve them.
 

[dah1029]

Doing the Swim--  I feel like I'm moving forward finally.  I do have my obsessive, sad, angry days--  but they're lessening.  I started exercising again and getting to the gym.  I think it helps with the Endorphins. 

Obviously she wasn't broke if she didn't run right to the bank with your check.  And the gaslighting is annoying.  CC-ing your family and her's, and then acting like "what's the big deal" when you confront her. 

Next time she tries to re-engage, email her back or text a few days later.  Tell her you 're doing great.  Started dating again (even if it's not true).  Text "sorry I'm a few days late getting back to you, "We" were away on a little mini-vacation".  Maybe she'll get annoyed and go away.

My ex gets so miserable when he sees I'm out with a new date.  It's ok for him to go out, but not me?  And we live in a small town.  We frequent the same local restaurant.  For months I avoided going there because I didn't want to run into him-- he's there daily.  Then last week I decided that I'm going to live my life.  This is my town.  He re-located to it when he was up my butt 2 years ago when we started dating.  He can go move back to where he came from.  I'm taking back my town and my favorite haunts.  So this past week, I'm doing as I please, going where I want, and you know what?--  I'm hoping he's in that restaurant when I walk in.  I'm done hiding in misery and depression.



I have to admit that it helped my attitude to see him last week after many months of not seeing him ,and he looks awful.  Guess he shouldn't have dumped me.  Doesn't look like he's happy. 

[yianks69]

I loved her so much, or what I thought was her.

This is the quote of the month! If she is indeed a pwBPD then you were in love with an illusion.

This will help you heal much faster while she will be living with her inner pain and emptiness pretending to be someone she is not in order to have people supply her endless emotional fuel.

She didn’t want the money, she just use it as an excuse to abuse you. She cc’d your mother in order to ‘show her’ what a bad guy you are.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to ignore her and your brain is getting all these messages and will help you overcome this mess faster.

You are doing very much fine although it doesn’t seem like that during some days.

[doingtheswim]

Thank you all for the feedback and advice.

I've been struggling the last week in a big way. Still pushing ahead.

I think a trigger for me is I'm now moving out of the place we shared.
She left here four months ago, I now am in a place financially to at least get a room .
I'm packing right now.

[dah1029]

Glad to hear you're moving.  The first step to your new life.

[betterdays]

Hey, hang in there, I know exactly what you're going through. Try to go easy on yourself, because it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things to move through your pain. Being out of a BPD relationship for 4 months isn't all that long when you consider how intense all of these relationships tend to be. The relationship probably consumed you while it was going, and now that its over, it's only natural  to feel a hole where the relationship once was.

Some of the things you're already doing are very important - exercise has been crucial for me, it brings my mood up the way no forced positive thinking can. Therapy is a smart move to, it will help you process your feelings, which takes time and patience, even though we want it to sort itself out on a faster schedule. And as far as "missing" your ex, I think you've already hit the key insight - you don't miss your ex (the drama, the chaos, the confusion, the recriminations, the crazy-making behavior, etc), you miss what you thought your ex was, or could be. You've lost a dream, an ideal, and that can be a very hard thing to accept, I know I'm still working on that one. But I think it's important to realize that it's the dream you miss, not the actual human being who inhabited your dream for awhile. The dream is still yours to keep, but you need to separate it completely from your ex. Easier said than done, I know, but it helps me in times when I really miss her to take a brutally honest look at what I'm really missing. And it's not her - it's what I hoped she would be.

[dah1029]

You're right Betterdays.  I miss my ex for who I thought he was in my life.  And who I thought he would be.  And the life I thought we would have together because his "mirroring" showed me just how "perfect" we were together.  And the "mirroring" also convinced me of how much we had in common.  It was all a dream and then I woke up.  Or you could call it a nightmare. 

[doingtheswim]

Hey, hang in there, I know exactly what you're going through. Try to go easy on yourself, because it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things to move through your pain. Being out of a BPD relationship for 4 months isn't all that long when you consider how intense all of these relationships tend to be. The relationship probably consumed you while it was going, and now that its over, it's only natural  to feel a hole where the relationship once was.

Some of the things you're already doing are very important - exercise has been crucial for me, it brings my mood up the way no forced positive thinking can. Therapy is a smart move to, it will help you process your feelings, which takes time and patience, even though we want it to sort itself out on a faster schedule. And as far as "missing" your ex, I think you've already hit the key insight - you don't miss your ex (the drama, the chaos, the confusion, the recriminations, the crazy-making behavior, etc), you miss what you thought your ex was, or could be. You've lost a dream, an ideal, and that can be a very hard thing to accept, I know I'm still working on that one. But I think it's important to realize that it's the dream you miss, not the actual human being who inhabited your dream for awhile. The dream is still yours to keep, but you need to separate it completely from your ex. Easier said than done, I know, but it helps me in times when I really miss her to take a brutally honest look at what I'm really missing. And it's not her - it's what I hoped she would be.

Thank you betterdays,
Between this and now presently moving, life is very hazy so it means a lot to hear someone outside myself say that where I'm at is ok.

Yeah, the dream.
I'm a die-hard optimist and the challenge is not believing in us any longer.

[diotima]

Four months is not all that long. You need to be patient with yourself and the time it takes to process emotions. I felt like it would never end, that I would never get to the other side. One day you will notice that you are not in pain all the time and be surprised. It will come and go and then go almost all the time. Best to you,
Diotima

[doingtheswim]

Four months is not all that long. You need to be patient with yourself and the time it takes to process emotions. I felt like it would never end, that I would never get to the other side. One day you will notice that you are not in pain all the time and be surprised. It will come and go and then go almost all the time. Best to you,
Diotima

Thanks for that Diotima,
You give me hope, it feels like it will never end.

Tonight has been a rough one. I have been packing to move and just ran across lots of cards she gave me, and other sentimental things. I'm stopping for a moment and getting a beer 

[nona]

At 4 months I was still in shock.

shock and bargaining.

now at 10 months; his announced replacement kicked me to the next stage of grieving


Part of why I stayed is that I was so afraid the grief/hurt would "take me out". That i would stay in denial and not FEEL the terrible pai generated inside me.

When I finally quit running and sit with the pain. It is childhood pain for me.

The pain I brought to this r/s to heal in the promised r/s.

It is not as bad as I feared...when I feel the hurt and sadness and anger

IT DOES NOT TAKE ME OUT. It is just an emotion, when I willingly feel the depths of the heartbreak, not only does it NOT take me out... but it PASSES>

then I am free for awhile from the pain.

I discovered I was using ruminating as a defense against feeling the hurt.

I was just so hurt, over and over and no empathy through MC HURT ME!

Its time for my hurt. its finally ok for m to feel the hurt I was feeling all along, but too afraid to show it.


You are a treasure, you are precious and so are your feelings.

[KE151]

doingtheswim:

Frightening but I could literally have written the same story word for word. I don't know if this helps but I need to share for my own sanity:

I'm now free physically (I hope) since I fled from our (mine actually) house 1 month and 1 day ago with my kids after an uncontrolled rageattack by exuBPDgf. She moved out 9 days later to an apartment nearby which she had secretly (!) bought some weeks earlier. First time I saw her since then was yesterday in court where the judge ruled against a restraining order (not enough evidence of serious threat, 911 calls, text messages and my testimony were not enough. I live in a European country, I guess in the US she would have gotten the verdict).

I was recycled many times during our 18 month r/s and became an expert on the twists and turns of her behavior. I could anticipate exactly her next move - I became very cynical about the idealization phases as I (thanks to this board) understood the disorder. That frustrated her.

I asked her to move out already after 2 moths of living together after she verbally attacked my 6 year old son. She didn't want to move initially but the detachment process was started for real. I think she started to get in touch with old boyfriends at the time (one of them called her on Xmas eve and she didn't even bother to conceal who she was talking to. She also got much closer to her ex-husband (father of her 5 year old kid), and he had paid a visit to our home when I was travelling (I think she told me b/c she was afraid the neighbors had seen him around). He was also moving her stuff to the new place.

I did the unthinkable: I cheated on her and in hindsight, was hoping to get caught. I was caught
(she used my ipad and checked my emails). It was horrible - she went ballistic on me and my kids. But finally as I said before she moved out. I think my getting caught helped to end it as she could blame it on me, although despite the cheating, she was begging to keep the r/s going and working on it with a therapist. Weird.

First week when I could actually return to my own home with my kids was a relief.  Then the anguish, the rumination and the pain really kicked in. Yesterday, confronting her in court and hearing her lies, distortions and manipulations and not getting the RO, I was devastated. It is so unfair. I didn't sleep for thinking about how she is now enjoying the situation, not getting restrained and most probably with a new guy (a host, I know, but still). She actually sported an engagement ring in court yesterday! It could have been a way to manipulate me but also, knowing her supply of orbiters, it might well be that she has "finally realized" that the love of her life had been there all along. I'm sure I'm now pitch black. And I feel s**t. I also miss her enormously, although I KNOW I'm missing an illsuion of a person I thought would be my dream woman. I'm clearly ruminating big time and getting these sudden attacks of anguish and just crying like a child.

It frustrates me that my reasoning cannot keep my emotions in check. Any attampt of analysis and clarification would be much appreciated. Thank you and God bless this board and all of you.

[yianks69]

You give me hope, it feels like it will never end.
Tonight has been a rough one. I have been packing to move and just ran across lots of cards she gave me, and other sentimental things. I'm stopping for a moment and getting a beer 

doingtheswim,

I read your past posts as well and it seems that we are in the same emotional NC cycle. I am also 4 months out and the past few days I was wondering when all this emotional rollercoaster will end.

Some days are good but some others (like last Monday) we horrible. With no warning, no trigger, no contact and suddenly…...BOOM…….. I felt high anxiety, strong thoughts of going back to her, depression and lack of motivation to do anything. Just like that, out of the blue and for the whole day.

However these are normal aftershocks so you should understand this as well. There are small invisible triggers that cause huge emotional upsets…..the most tiring thing is that they come without warning and without us doing anything to activate them.