The "Boring is Good" Strategy

[Think About It...]

[I originally posted this on L2, but it is maybe more appropriate in L3]

I have been practicing, at first intuitively and now fully consciously, the "Boring is Good" strategy, which aims at getting the pwBPD getting bored and move on to another victim. I am starting to see that my wife (who has BPD) is reacting to it, and I am just wondering if I am on track with this.

I realize that after detaching emotionally from her, after a few days, I start to feel really good, happy and free, something I did not feel for over 15 years. I started to limit my interactions with her to just the basic logistics of household and kids' stuff (but I am fully there for the kids). I have been also using, I think quite effectively, the techniques of "don't defend (and don't overexplain)", "don't engage", "don't evade", "don't back down" (when she is crossing the line). She tried to engage me also with "I am missing you" stuff and "you know, you are a good guy" which I received politely and courteously (to not provoke her), but overall stayed very flat (to not give her hope of me going back to the old ways).

I noted that my wife has been reading about "loveless marriages" (mostly found in traditional non-Western societies where it is pre-arranged and it is essentially a wider family business arrangement). She told me that her friend, who comes from such traditional background, talked to her a lot about the "funny Western views" of marriage. She told me, just two days ago that she would enjoy such arrangement.

Now, I have learned to not take at face value what she is telling me, and I am sure that my new behavior is shaking her up with fears of abandonment. As well, I know there will be more attempts on her part to "re-connect". But this time, I know she will fail. 

I am also realizing that I am hoping that by using the "boring is good" strategy that she will, eventually, be the one asking for divorce, and thus avoiding a messy and traumatic separation for my children. I am just wondering if I am on the right track, or am I still hoping for a "magic solution".

Thanks for your views.

[Eric367]

[I originally posted this on L2, but it is maybe more appropriate in L3]

I have been practicing, at first intuitively and now fully consciously, the "Boring is Good" strategy, which aims at getting the pwBPD getting bored and move on to another victim. I am starting to see that my wife (who has BPD) is reacting to it, and I am just wondering if I am on track with this.

I realize that after detaching emotionally from her, after a few days, I start to feel really good, happy and free, something I did not feel for over 15 years. I started to limit my interactions with her to just the basic logistics of household and kids' stuff (but I am fully there for the kids). I have been also using, I think quite effectively, the techniques of "don't defend (and don't overexplain)", "don't engage", "don't evade", "don't back down" (when she is crossing the line). She tried to engage me also with "I am missing you" stuff and "you know, you are a good guy" which I received politely and courteously (to not provoke her), but overall stayed very flat (to not give her hope of me going back to the old ways).

I noted that my wife has been reading about "loveless marriages" (mostly found in traditional non-Western societies where it is pre-arranged and it is essentially a wider family business arrangement). She told me that her friend, who comes from such traditional background, talked to her a lot about the "funny Western views" of marriage. She told me, just two days ago that she would enjoy such arrangement.

Now, I have learned to not take at face value what she is telling me, and I am sure that my new behavior is shaking her up with fears of abandonment. As well, I know there will be more attempts on her part to "re-connect". But this time, I know she will fail. 

I am also realizing that I am hoping that by using the "boring is good" strategy that she will, eventually, be the one asking for divorce, and thus avoiding a messy and traumatic separation for my children. I am just wondering if I am on the right track, or am I still hoping for a "magic solution".

Thanks for your views.

[sotiredtoonice]

I don't if you are on the right track or not, but you sound just like me. Doing everything I can to hope my H will leave me. Of course in my experience it doesn't work, but thats just me. I support him, though, he has no job, no money, no friends. I think this is what keeps him from leaving me. Instead of threatening to divorce me, he tells me, "you know where the court house is". As if he is "daring" me to file. But I know if I take the bait he would only make my life a living hell. Good luck to you, I look forward to hearing how it works out.

[Carri1]

Yes Eric, I do believe you are being the adult and taking the necessary action.  Stay strong and know you're protecting the kids from Drama.  I believe she might try to "up" the drama to break you down.
Consider seeing a T through all this.  T's can put things into prospective.  This is a very good strategy and I kind of used it my last attempt w/ BPDbf.  So stay the Adult...don't let your "inner child" out to play with the Drama.  Be Boring as Heck!  Good luck and keep us posted!

[Eric367]

Thanks sotiredtoonice and Carri1 for sharing. This is really helping.

My wife is working and has a good job, and she makes a point on insisting to be financial independent, which I agree with, and now see that indeed this is an important condition to make a divorce less dramatic.

I have a T, and he was actually our couple therapist at first, but as the T started to test my wife's degree of denial, she decided to leave saying is the worst T she ever saw. I am not surprised. This is a typical reaction for a pwBPD.

I just discovered the notion of BPD recently, but I also intuitively done a lot of the work before hand. Now that I have the missing part of the puzzle, I feel I am moving at "Warp 9" (like they would say in Star Trek). My work with my T should be very effective in the coming weeks and months.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[oletimefeelin]

It would seem to me that being distant like this would draw them back in not repel them.  It becomes a game where they want you more. 
Of course for every push there is a pull and this could also trigger her abandonment sensitivity.  Why not just man up and leave?

[Eric367]

Thank you for your comment oletimefeeling

I have been asking myself this question too... If she was simply a girlfriend, this would be a no brainer, but in my case there is more at stake. 

We have three young children (12, 8, and 6), and the younger one may have Asperger syndrome (we are getting him assessed). I have to think about the children too. I also noticed that the 2 older ones have started to show BPD traits, so something needs to be done, but I have to be careful in HOW it is done.

[sotiredtoonice]

oletimefeeling, what you say has been my experience in the past with my H. The more I tried to detach, the more he noticed and tried harder to suck me in. I wont say that it worked, I am still very detached, but I find myself pretending not to be. As for the man up and leave, for me, it is just easier to stay. But in my case that is because he has no job, no money, no friends, etc. Also, I know that once I take that step, he will go over the edge and end up in jail or worse, and knowing I would have "caused" that is hard for me. But that is just my own personal reason.

[OTB]

When I was trying to detach from my relationship with my uBPDgf my therapist recommended that I practice "apathy" and "indifference" with her.

She felt it at the moment I started and the feeling of abandonment came raging out.  That finally pushed me over the brink to breaking up with her.  She couldn't break up with me or if she did she always came back and I always took her back.

Good luck to you!
OTB

[oletimefeelin]

I realized after writing that this stuff is never that simple.  That's a lot to handle.  My point really was why stoop to that level?  I figure most folks here are of the sensitive, introspective variety.  Eventually, I imagine we'd all feel guilty for having treated anyone like that. 

That's certainly a lot to handle. 

[Eric367]

Thanks OTB.

What you described is a definitely possibility.

I have been working with my T on self-esteem, using hypnotherapy, which works well on me. I have been working hard at letting go my anger and resentment towards my wife; I fully understand that these are just further strings to hold me back. As well, I have been working really hard at remembering (everyday) that she will not get better until she is fully out of denial and fully engaged in the therapy geared towards dealing with BPD (which she has shown no sign of any acceptance of any responsibility), that she cannot take any responsibility for what she does (to protect her self-esteem), and that she does not care often about my feelings (because she is in a surviving mode, and everything is about her), that everything she says cannot be taken at face value and that it is usually either attempts to provoke, denial, projection, or manipulation and that she can't help it.

The days when I fully detach, I feel so happy and free, and I can see and feel, now, that I can and fully deserve to be in the normal non-BPD world.

I am getting all that very clear both in my mind and in my heart, and I won't take her back.

[Eric367]

Thank you again oletimefeelin.

I may be misleading myself into self-delusion, but I do not think I feel guilty about what will happen to my wife. She is deeply stuck, and only her with a T can unstuck herself. This is her problem, and as an adult she is responsible for dealing with her problems. You can bring a horse to the river, but you can't force it to drink...

I do care a lot about my children, and I am looking for the best solution for both the kids and myself. Maybe leaving, with a sound exit strategy, is the only solution. But the idea of Boring is Good is not my invention. I got that from one of the articles attached to this list (L3).

[HardDaysNight]

…..

I may be misleading myself into self-delusion, but I do not think I feel guilty about what will happen to my wife. She is deeply stuck, and only her with a T can unstuck herself. This is her problem, and as an adult she is responsible for dealing with her problems. You can bring a horse to the river, but you can't force it to drink...

I do care a lot about my children, and I am looking for the best solution for both the kids and myself. Maybe leaving, with a sound exit strategy, is the only solution. But the idea of Boring is Good is not my invention. I got that from one of the articles attached to this list (L3).

Eric367,
   I find myself in a similar situation, reacting the way you are and asking myself the same questions.

  I guess I too have adopted a boring strategy and a form of detachment in the sense I have worked hard so my sense of self and feelings are not dependent on what she is thinking of me or her mood.

  I wouldn’t call it being boring in my case as so much after almost 15 years I finally learned that certain apparently innocuous comments from her are simply “traps” to trigger a cycle of drama.  In many cases I am just silent as I don’t have the energy to avoid her attempts to pull me into the Karpman drama triangle.  I reserve my energy for those things we do need to discuss as parents.

  Oddly she seems to like this rather emotionally unavailable relationship better than before when I tried to make her happy and share thoughts, feelings, and the good part of my day with her.  Oh there are still plenty of snipes taken at me, but I think this greater distance means I trigger her fears of intimacy less.  What it has increased is her need to control any little situation.  I also figure this is her fear of abandonment coming out.  So there is still a push-pull going on but since she painted me largely black about 6 years ago, the pull has been more of a: “I’m going to control you to make you better, all for your own good.  Don’t you agree what I want you to do would be better?”

I too am asking myself the question is it better to be in the marriage and able to intervene when mom disregulates on the children or is it better to have another home where there is no fear of that?  For me it turns upon how much time the children would spend with mom under custody order and what will that do to them versus how much time they are home alone with mom now and what the loveless dysfunctional relationship is teaching them.

I too see two of my children responding to adversity, or just not getting their way right away, with the same BPD behavior.  How much of this is natural childish behavior, how much learning form mom?  I don’t know.  I do know I work on this and teaching appropriate responses, and it does seem to be working.  From my own situation it appears that by 11-12 my oldest D is getting the double-standard mom preaches and learning not to internalize her blame trips.  In part, by retreating into her own thing but she has not retreated from me and is very willing to chat on and on about her stuff and friends, etc.

My youngest is 9 so I in my estimate in 2-3 years he will be able to handle 50/50 custody with mom.
 
I don’t know if this sounds calculating, but I had to be specific with myself and have a clear path to a better life for my kids.  There is no way 9 more years is going to work or be good for the children without her seriously seeking help.  However, I feel that it would not be in my youngest best interest for me to set a boundary for change/therapy because it likely will not work and I would have to follow-through with leaving.   I figure at least they will have 5+ years each to live 50% of the time in a drama free home, and hopefully witness a loving relationship and how healthy adults resolve conflict.  

I am working on how difficult this is and will be.  I work on getting over the fear by accepting there are no “good” endings here unless she changes, only the lesser of evils.  I have hope because people have gone through worse, are going through worse, and can emerge as happy adults.

Here’s to you Eric for being there for your children and working every day to make their life better.    

[awakened_father]

Hi Eric. I am coming out of my 16 year marriage with one Son16 (divorce started November 2011 - still in the thick of it).

Your "Boring" strategy is good, but it can not be your only plan. You need multiple plans and back up plans.
I learned so much from this website regarding BPD, but i also learned alot from www.dadsdivorce.com about legal issue.

Personally, i tried my best to not have things to fight over.  For example, months before she filed divorce i scanned all of our old pictures so when the divorce happened that was one less thing to fight about.

I also waited 16 years (till my son was 16), now that he has drivers license and access to car he can drive himself to visit his mom (I currently have primary 55% physical custody in the temporary orders).

Be super careful of false accusations. She can call the police and falsely accuse you of domestic violence and you will be in jail and she will use it against you in divorce court to not let you see your kids.

I had to do a risk analysis for my situation, and when it passed a certain point where the risk was too great, then me and my son moved out together. Basically uBPDw was physically abusing me and my son had to pull her off me.  She also pulled a knife on me and threatened to kill me in my sleep.  She also was threatening to call police and falsely accuse me of domestic violence or rape.

Just be super careful and do NOT move out without your kids. keep a detailed journal.  good luck and keep 100% focus on you being a good dad and being there for your kids. Your children need you.  don't give up.  and don't reveal any of your plans/strategy - keep it quiet and do not confront her.

[Eric367]

Thank to both of you, HardDaysNight and awakened_father!

This is very helpful. I realise that the boring strategy is only a temporary one until I can get myself together, and that there is no quick fix for people in our situation. I also clearly see the need to have a very good and well prepared exit strategy (with many things done before hand), to be kept "top secret" until full implementation.

[awakened_father]

Eric, read the book "Splitting" by Bill Eddy.

You may find it worthwhile to record audio using a voice recorder. they are small and fit in your pocket.  Some cell phones or mp3 players can also record audio.  The main purpose for this is if BPD calls the police and falsely accuses you, then you can play back the recording on the spot and avoid being arrested.  It is not meant to be used in divorce court. It is used as a protection so you don't end up in jail on false allegations.

Of course, the best strategy is to avoid confrontation, play possum/boring, and avoid giving her any reason to call the police.

My uBPDw would hit me and throw things at me, to try to get me to react/hit her back - i would never take the bait (i would just go for a walk or take my son out for a little while).  For years she would try to provoke/instigate and i would not react.  she even bashed holes in the wall and broke things and tried to blame it on me.

Be very careful, the eggshells you walk upon are very thin.