Many thanks for your reply Greenmango.
Ive had time to think about this a little bit so here goes...!
When the intial split took place nearly 13 years ago it left me broke, i had a complete breakdown where i remember i was hugging the carpet in the old house we used to live in, flat out on the floor gripping for dear life to the carpet, totally distraught and in a world i hadnt dear dream of! It was that time i had a cord round my neck, really comtemplating doing the unthinkable!
Breaking down mentally and physically i felt i was back as a baby, completely stripped of all inner self, i didnt know who i was or what the h3ll was going on! Like i was possessed by someone elses evil, i hated me, i hated the situation, i hated what she did and how cruel it was, i hated how repetative it was, i hated she showed no remorse or sorrow for stripping me of the right to be a father, the right be with my family and try to work at our problems for our family. Initially i was fighting for me and for her and what we had or what i thought we had! It fell on deaf ears like i was speaking a totally different language to the only other person who had a voice in all of this.
Needless to say i stayed in contact throught r/s recycles after the initial split, it was though i was forced into so much pain that everytime i declared 'i cant take this anymore' and felt forced to end the r/s with a few times her screaming at me 'i dare you to leave, i dare you to end it' with that face full of anger whilst clearly showing a swagger to her words!
So many times i had to crawl away from it as she never had the guts to just be compassionate! the final time was on my 1st ever fathers day!
After the breakdown and about 18months i felt better than where i was with a cord round my neck! still lost, no direction, no understanding of the situation, no understanding of the red flags, no understanding of the abuse!
Shocking to think really, if i was in front of that very situation looking in i would of been cringing sideways and noticed it a mile off! As though if it was someone else i would of completely seen it all, the fact it was me on the inside i had no idea! Yes stupid to say, but really, not a clue!
I went numerous times to the doctor in absolute despair but felt i wasnt even being heard! i was passed from one therapist to another! i broke down in front of my doctor begging to help me sleep she rolled me out the door with anti'depessant with no explanation, i cried at her for help! i got to see one of her T's who then refused to see me because it said i smoked weed on my profile, i explained it was a social thing and she refused to speak me! i spoke to her for a few minutes calmly asking her for help within my situation and to at least listen to me. she replied with 'my collegue has advised me not to see you' eh? the doctor i broke down too advised her to not see me after asking her to see me! I was sent to Pychiactric hospital for some help/therapy? i didnt know what or why exactly but after speaking with them for 30mins about myelf they told me i was in no need of psychiactric help and just required some support and help. This went on for 2 years until eventually i gave up looking for help as it seemed to be more damaging and destructive, energy sapping than it was worth.
I felt so let down by the system thats in place to help me but i was seen as a lepar or so it felt, i know i shown anger and hurt during my trauma but even me as a caring person would see the cry for help in all of that never mind a doctor!
I then spent 8 years almost fighting the system that would not recognise me as a father to my child, going through various hearings with councils and the social system here in the uk, fighting for my rights as a parent and as a human being. Bit by bit the cases were rolling up and each and everyone i won.
None of the cases were a dispute with the ex in anyway, they was all about me and my rights as a single parent and none of them involved the ex in anyway at all other than legal 'parental agreement' i set in place as we were unmarried.
I guess all the fighting for my rights and through the anger i got over her as a person, i got over the things she did. i want nothing more than for her to be permanantly out of my life.
So where does all this lead me if im over her and her actions of the past.
I really do hurt at the loss of being a father to my daughter so early in her life (7months old), it pains me to think that us - as a trio - as a family - was never even given a chance, never given a hope in h3ll from the very start. Not even given a couple of years into parenthood, not even a year! It all went to h3ll on my 1st fathers day. My family and role as a father was torn away from within months of us becoming parents, a family,taking on our new role to our child! Why i was taking on the role of father she was taking on the role of another women in another r/s!
Add to this 5 years of (whilst in r/s)...
Makes for a sorry tale!
Nearly 13 years apart and only last year i would of still defended her. Shes married with 2 other children who are really beautiful and i truly do adore them.
I just mellowed into the triangulation (read definition)
and manipulation blindly still not knowing what a red flag was or the fact i was layed out for a lot of abuse in our r/s. Only by questioning her actions again last year i felt id gotten over her and the pain of what she did, true i say to some degree. But it made me realise i was me, i was strong, as though it happened and i didnt realise. I walked without a word, and was more than happy for us all, no grief, no loss, no worry, no pain. bemusement? maybe more so.
Then the smear campaign started for all and everyone in her village, her family, her friends, on facebook, my friends! I refused to partake and ignored it all with my head high (whilst crying liking baby to myself or with my parents). 2 months passed with shocking things said about me as a past partner and as parent to our daughter, she even got the ex's husband to lay a few words out of his own to my daughter!
The campaign went onto our daughter from the ex and her husband as i would not respond in any fashion, refused to even park near their home to collect daughter, refused to be showing how antoganising it was. Almost as though she couldnt do the harm she wanted to me so she went for my next best, OUR daughter, she knew threating and emotionally abusing our D would get at me and it did, but again i kept it in house emotionally and held my head high.
She/they tried to alienate me from my daughter! Our D being younger i fear she would of taken the bait! Being 13 she recognised the abuse and refused to have anything to do with her mum point blank and made that clear.
That was my 1st real lesson in boundaries, my daughter shown me my boundary, even though i was already NC from a couple of months before myself, i still didnt know why or if it was right etc
Seeing the abuse on our daughter bought me back a memory or 2 and made myself then realise how abusive she was to me, first with a few fleeting thoughts, then a few more and then hundreds more!
That was when i recognised my own abuse, by recognising the abuse on my daughter as i said at the beginning of this post that i would recognise it had it not been me in the r/s!
That was 1st real light bulb moment. 5 year r/s, nearly 13 years split, and only last year i realise the abuse and the r/s and her for what they really are! i feel ashamed of myself for allowing it! I am/was a smart individual or so i thought, i had a good grip on reality, a very open mind, cultural, confident, happy, friendly, sociable, compassionate, loving etc etc...
Didnt feel a needy need for anything or anyone, more than happy to roll along with life and put effort in to things i like and rid the things that hold me back!
Over time i feel ive got a majority of myself back now, became more educated and have more understanding in the last 12 months that ive had in 12 years.
Life is ok you could say with a few ground breaking moments for myself which im really happy about that i achieved.
Where am i at a loss in all of this?, ive rebuilt myself back from the brink, back from the fetal position and i had to do it alone whilst putting on the face of a father and putting energy into that whilst internally dieing through the years till ive built myself back up to a reasonable strength again.
My loss isnt her, my loss isnt me and her or what we had together, 5 years trash talked and used for a child, abused in all manner of ways continually throughout the 5 years!
My loss is my loss as a parent/father - So rapidly ripped away from me, totally distracted by an incoming trauma from my reality of just becoming a father just after seeing my daughter being born.
My loss as a family man - my investment for the future which was sincere and true - Starting a family was no accident in terms of 'oh, suprise, im pregnant', we talked about it, worked at it, talked about it, talked about it with other family members, worked at it a bit more. Then we was to become parents and to become a family.
My loss is my loss as a parent and as person who would fight for his family. Id clearly lost my healthy self to be able to fight a healthy fight for us as a family, i was so consumed by the pain at the time.
Well, thats a whole piece of my heart right there for you. i guess itll scare most folk off being so long winded. At least ive come to realise what my losses are in this at the moment.
My fatherhood is less damaged in my mind as such as i believe being a single parent to my daughter means we have a bond that i would of never had if we'd of stayed together, i realise how valuable our 1 to 1 time has been and what an amazing bond and understanding we have of each other. None the less it still pangs me inside sometimes when i see parents doing something loving or beautiful with their child together.
The family aspect i guess it what pains me the most, so soon and so short lived was us as a family. Not even the knowledge of 'well, we both gave it our all after all that happened'. Gone in a puff of smoke and me smeared until i crumbled into that carpet that night! Ill never get to know the reality of becoming the family person/father that i had set in my heart for myself and my children and partner.
Ill be so glad to get to my T when it can sorted to get to bottom of the final chapters of my unhappiness and finally move forward in a more compelling fashion rather than the disjointed way ive approached it or had to approach it in the past.
So many things i thought i would never ever say or repeat but alot of its here, suprised myself with how much just came out of me here. Will need myself to really go back over this again and again to pick the bones out of it.