Help, ended relationship again and am really struggling

[Think About It...]

This is probably going to be long but I am having a hard morning (up since 4 am) and need some support. I finally had to end (once again) a relationship with someone I've been with for a year and a half. The last year has been crazy to say the least. He has displayed many BPD traits. Problem is that I found out almost a year ago that he was taking drugs (mostly vicodin and xanax.) I didnt' realize how bad it was till last summer. Some really bizarre things happened during that time including the following making up a story how his ex wife showed up at his work and assaulted him (his ex wife hadn't been back to the state we live in since their divorce several years prior). I could go on and on about the stories that I had been told that now looking back I think were all made up. He was even in therapy with someone for months and months to deal with what his family and I thought working through issues of drug abuse. . . only later to find out that he never once even mentioned to his therapist that he had a bad vicodin addiction (30 per day on top of xanax). There are a million crazy stories I can tell.

Problem is that I really believed it was the drugs. When dealing with an addict obviously there are going to be many lies and distortions and it's so hard to separate what was the drugs and what was a personality disorder. Last summer I started to read on BPD and I saw many of the qualities. Fast forward to this last December. He went to rehab for the first time ever, got out and seemed to be the person I've known before the drugs (although we only dated for a year and a half, we've known each other for alot longer). He was making the right steps, got a sponsor, went to meetings, actually was being HONEST for a change and open. Well it didn't last too long.

He finally admitted to me that he was an awful husband (this just shows his history), would leave whenever he got mad and not come home, ignored her, at the end cheated on her, etc. I know, my dumb a--s still stayed after this major warning sign. The problem is that after rehab I was the one he adored, I saved him from the drugs, he knew what it had done to me,bla bla bla. Everything went back to great.

This is the hard part. We obviously had major trust issues to get over. I gave him a chance stupidly thinking that as long as he was off drugs some of the other behavior wouldn't continue. The last two or three months have been insane. First lie, his psychiatrist called and he told me they wanted to put him on Zoloft after rehab and he refused because he didn't want to be put on meds. Well, he was on Zoloft. Why lie? I was glad he was finally on something. Then the next argument, over trust issues. He wrote up a post rehab contract because he knew of the damange drugs had done and his need to be transparent. He said he would no longer delete texts, call histories etc from his phone. Well that didn't last long. He started to wipe everything out with crazy stories about why. When I wanted to address anything that bothered me about these incidents or in our past, he would just snap! These last few arguments I tried to be calm and talk to him and he just snapped, would get overly angry for the situation and then just not talk to me for days. It's the screw you, I don't need you. Of course, I would get so upset I ended up contacting him. It began the sick dance. I tried to set up boundaries, explaining when I address something with him and he snaps and then goes on to ignore me for days, it makes me feel a certain way. Of course, the next time any conflict emerged, the SAME thing happened.

The last argument that pushed me into no contact was when I saw an ex drug dealer call his phone. I asked why he wouldn't answer it after the THIRD call in 24 hours. Supposedly he had blocked all these people from calling him (LIE). He went balistic. Saying I wanted him to go to jail, if he answers the phone, he would go beat this guy up, I mean MAJOR over reaction. I had broken my foot and he was staying with me that week, and he screamed he wouldn't be staying with me and ran into my bedroom to go to sleep. WHAT? I asked him to leave my house that night. If he was going to treat me in that manner and yell at me and tell me he wasn't coming back, then he should just leave now. I was sticking up for myself.

I am totally rambling right now. I could tell a miillion other stories. The point is that it's so hard to distinguish between the drugs and personality disorder. I am almost certain that it's both. I feel exhausted and emotionally drained. I know i'm the one who kicked him out this last time but it hurts. The emotional abuse and silent treatments, is this normal for BPDs. I know alot of people say they have a fear of abandonment but he never really seemed to care. He gave the silent treatment waiting for me to come back trying to talk. His moods are severely over reactive to the situation. He is hostile. And then can turn into the sweetest person you ever met. I sent him an email yesterday just asking him to change the passwords to his one email account that I had because I no longer needed it. I explained how this relationship has made me feel and the over stepping of boundaries, etc. The response I got was terrible...nothing is ever your fault, you do things wrong all the time, i hope i never see your face, etc etc etc.

I am no contact. I have blocked everything including calls, texts, etc once again. I'm just struggling today. HOw can someone who claims to love you so much they want to spend the rest of their life with you just turn on a dime? I know he's hurting. His way of dealing with problems is just to snap back in anger, start to accuse me, say I act like I never do anything wrong (lie, I admit my wrongdoings), deflect, deflect, deflect. I snapped yesterday. Just snapped. I couldn't take it anymore and Ii started to fight back and things just got terrible. Is a BPD trait just turning your back on someone and ignoring them it seems like just to intentionally hurt someone?

Urgh, I know this is over for the last time. I just need some support.

[feelingcrazy7832]

This is probably going to be long but I am having a hard morning (up since 4 am) and need some support. I finally had to end (once again) a relationship with someone I've been with for a year and a half. The last year has been crazy to say the least. He has displayed many BPD traits. Problem is that I found out almost a year ago that he was taking drugs (mostly vicodin and xanax.) I didnt' realize how bad it was till last summer. Some really bizarre things happened during that time including the following making up a story how his ex wife showed up at his work and assaulted him (his ex wife hadn't been back to the state we live in since their divorce several years prior). I could go on and on about the stories that I had been told that now looking back I think were all made up. He was even in therapy with someone for months and months to deal with what his family and I thought working through issues of drug abuse. . . only later to find out that he never once even mentioned to his therapist that he had a bad vicodin addiction (30 per day on top of xanax). There are a million crazy stories I can tell.

Problem is that I really believed it was the drugs. When dealing with an addict obviously there are going to be many lies and distortions and it's so hard to separate what was the drugs and what was a personality disorder. Last summer I started to read on BPD and I saw many of the qualities. Fast forward to this last December. He went to rehab for the first time ever, got out and seemed to be the person I've known before the drugs (although we only dated for a year and a half, we've known each other for alot longer). He was making the right steps, got a sponsor, went to meetings, actually was being HONEST for a change and open. Well it didn't last too long.

He finally admitted to me that he was an awful husband (this just shows his history), would leave whenever he got mad and not come home, ignored her, at the end cheated on her, etc. I know, my dumb a--s still stayed after this major warning sign. The problem is that after rehab I was the one he adored, I saved him from the drugs, he knew what it had done to me,bla bla bla. Everything went back to great.

This is the hard part. We obviously had major trust issues to get over. I gave him a chance stupidly thinking that as long as he was off drugs some of the other behavior wouldn't continue. The last two or three months have been insane. First lie, his psychiatrist called and he told me they wanted to put him on Zoloft after rehab and he refused because he didn't want to be put on meds. Well, he was on Zoloft. Why lie? I was glad he was finally on something. Then the next argument, over trust issues. He wrote up a post rehab contract because he knew of the damange drugs had done and his need to be transparent. He said he would no longer delete texts, call histories etc from his phone. Well that didn't last long. He started to wipe everything out with crazy stories about why. When I wanted to address anything that bothered me about these incidents or in our past, he would just snap! These last few arguments I tried to be calm and talk to him and he just snapped, would get overly angry for the situation and then just not talk to me for days. It's the screw you, I don't need you. Of course, I would get so upset I ended up contacting him. It began the sick dance. I tried to set up boundaries, explaining when I address something with him and he snaps and then goes on to ignore me for days, it makes me feel a certain way. Of course, the next time any conflict emerged, the SAME thing happened.

The last argument that pushed me into no contact was when I saw an ex drug dealer call his phone. I asked why he wouldn't answer it after the THIRD call in 24 hours. Supposedly he had blocked all these people from calling him (LIE). He went balistic. Saying I wanted him to go to jail, if he answers the phone, he would go beat this guy up, I mean MAJOR over reaction. I had broken my foot and he was staying with me that week, and he screamed he wouldn't be staying with me and ran into my bedroom to go to sleep. WHAT? I asked him to leave my house that night. If he was going to treat me in that manner and yell at me and tell me he wasn't coming back, then he should just leave now. I was sticking up for myself.

I am totally rambling right now. I could tell a miillion other stories. The point is that it's so hard to distinguish between the drugs and personality disorder. I am almost certain that it's both. I feel exhausted and emotionally drained. I know i'm the one who kicked him out this last time but it hurts. The emotional abuse and silent treatments, is this normal for BPDs. I know alot of people say they have a fear of abandonment but he never really seemed to care. He gave the silent treatment waiting for me to come back trying to talk. His moods are severely over reactive to the situation. He is hostile. And then can turn into the sweetest person you ever met. I sent him an email yesterday just asking him to change the passwords to his one email account that I had because I no longer needed it. I explained how this relationship has made me feel and the over stepping of boundaries, etc. The response I got was terrible...nothing is ever your fault, you do things wrong all the time, i hope i never see your face, etc etc etc.

I am no contact. I have blocked everything including calls, texts, etc once again. I'm just struggling today. HOw can someone who claims to love you so much they want to spend the rest of their life with you just turn on a dime? I know he's hurting. His way of dealing with problems is just to snap back in anger, start to accuse me, say I act like I never do anything wrong (lie, I admit my wrongdoings), deflect, deflect, deflect. I snapped yesterday. Just snapped. I couldn't take it anymore and Ii started to fight back and things just got terrible. Is a BPD trait just turning your back on someone and ignoring them it seems like just to intentionally hurt someone?

Urgh, I know this is over for the last time. I just need some support.

[GreenMango]

You have come to the right place everyone here can relate.  You asked how they turn on a dime?  Because BPD is a serious mental illness and they look normal.  I get the snapping on your part you've been thru a lot...it takes its toll.  On top of the BPD your ex hd has an addiction problem...that's a compound problem with a very long road to recovery if he decides to take it.  You asked why they turn their back and run when confronted like the relationship meant nothing?  It's not that it meant nothing and isn't really about you...you were just a catalyst.  It could be anyone who is an intimate relationship with him.  He is incapable of facing himself and when presented with accountability for himself he flees.  I'm really sorry you had to go through the trauma of this relationship.  It's a good idea to stay away from him...he needs to sort himself out before he can be a safe partner for you or anyone.  He seems to be dancing on the edge of psychosis due to his emotional issues and the narcotic cocktail.

-GM

PS have you been getting support through this? I heard great things about al-anon.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I’ve also posted on a great substance abuse sight. Haven’t gotten much support here yet as I just started posting this morning. What I’m struggling with isn’t as bad as last summer. I’ve done some work on myself since then. The break ups last year were awful for me! I mean awful! I secluded myself, got depressed, etc. I’m not doing that anymore. This time I just am trying to not feel guilty. I know this is not my fault. Nor can I control it. I do feel bad for some of the things that I said. It was me that kicked him out of my house a few times but I MUST remember it was AFTER I tried to raise some issues with him about things that concerned me and he FLIPPED OUT, got in my face, called me names, etc. I would make him leave my house. I felt threatened and didn’t know what he was capable of. Then, that’s where the  silent treatment came in and then the silent treatment just made me even more angry. It’s such a sick sick cycle that I too have a part in. I realize that. I just have to get over this feeling of “well, I shouldn’t have done or said that”. NO! I have to stop that. At the end of the day I kept asking him to stop lying to me about things, to stop getting hostile every time I brought up an issue (which were valid issues by the way) and that behavior just continued and continued and continued to the point where I would snap, ask him to leave and this last time said some pretty nasty things.

The difference is that when we spoke again after an argument, I could admit the things that I did saying “it is not right to kick you out that late at night, etc” but the fact is we never could get to the root cause of the issues which is the constant lying and instant hostility when any issue was raised or he was confronted, or even the issues that upset me which were broken promises! I would finally get so incredibly frustrated for having to walk on eggshells, I started to snap too and say mean things. I said horrible things yesterday like he was a sociopathic liar, nothing but a drug addict, an heartless evil human being, etc. This is after being pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed.

And the hard part is that he can be the sweetest person in the world. He was amazing with my 3 year old daughter and she loved him so much. As long as things were on an even plane and there was no conflict, we got along great. It’s at the slightest bit of confrontation where things would get insane.

[GreenMango]

I am not familiar with the behavior of addicts but I've been around BPD going on 9 years and 5 of those in a relationship.  If you haven't had a chance to read some of resources on the disorder it might be helpful.  What you've touched on with the arguments getting derailed and his hostility towards you pointing out his part is pretty typical.  It sounds like you got exhausted.  The lessons on this board regarding boundaries and all the postings are really helpful.  It sounds like you made the right choice for yourself by separating from him.  Lots of us here have talked about the FOG and how it keeps us in the relationship.  I lashed out too at the end...I'm not proud if it.  I know next time to never wait to until I get to the point where I'm so angry I lash out to leave.  Lesson learned...I think many of have done things in these relationships which would normally be out of character and looking back have some regrets of.  You are not alone there.  

-GM

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)