Does nothing get to her?

[Think About It...]

My exuBPDgf started a r/s two weeks after she separated from her kid's dad. The new guy at the time seemed "so sweet and understanding" after the horrible marriage to the psychopath/pathological liar/abuser of a hubby...well, she said later that the new guy was a "repulsive, pitiful, stupid little man" (he was physically short, while I am very tall). I'm now out 1 month and a day. And I was blackened to a liar (partly true), cheater (true), BPD (not true although I started to represent same crazy behaviors towards the end), narcissist (hope not), bad father (not true), control freak (not true), manipulator (not true), a weak man who is misguided by the wrong people (not true, I wouldn't have had the strength to get out without my friends help and support), obsessed by money (not true)...many many things, most of which match her pretty well.

I saw her in court yesterday (filed for restraining order against her, didn't get it), looking as great as ever, smiling, with an engagement ring on her finger!

Does nothing really shake her?
Is she so used to the constant pain, that separation from an 18 month "love of her life" r/s is no big deal?
Does she even suffer from a break up?
How the h**l is she able to bounce back so easily, no apparent damage?
How how how?

And I'm shattered into a million pieces, cry like a baby, have nearly a panic attack if I even think I spot her in a mall or her car in traffic. I ruminate about her and the r/s, and couldn't even think of a r/s or even casual sex with any woman, impossible. I want her to feel as bad as I do.

[KE151]

My exuBPDgf started a r/s two weeks after she separated from her kid's dad. The new guy at the time seemed "so sweet and understanding" after the horrible marriage to the psychopath/pathological liar/abuser of a hubby...well, she said later that the new guy was a "repulsive, pitiful, stupid little man" (he was physically short, while I am very tall). I'm now out 1 month and a day. And I was blackened to a liar (partly true), cheater (true), BPD (not true although I started to represent same crazy behaviors towards the end), narcissist (hope not), bad father (not true), control freak (not true), manipulator (not true), a weak man who is misguided by the wrong people (not true, I wouldn't have had the strength to get out without my friends help and support), obsessed by money (not true)...many many things, most of which match her pretty well.

I saw her in court yesterday (filed for restraining order against her, didn't get it), looking as great as ever, smiling, with an engagement ring on her finger!

Does nothing really shake her?
Is she so used to the constant pain, that separation from an 18 month "love of her life" r/s is no big deal?
Does she even suffer from a break up?
How the h**l is she able to bounce back so easily, no apparent damage?
How how how?

And I'm shattered into a million pieces, cry like a baby, have nearly a panic attack if I even think I spot her in a mall or her car in traffic. I ruminate about her and the r/s, and couldn't even think of a r/s or even casual sex with any woman, impossible. I want her to feel as bad as I do.

[OverandDone]

Boy, do I ever know the feeling.  The story with my ex was nearly identical to yours minus the kids and me being tall.  (I would have been the short guy  ;p  )  Anyhow, mine had moved on in a matter of weeks of us ending an engagement and was already declaring her unique love to the new guy.  I, too, wondered how someone was consciously capable of doing that.  And I, too, wanted her to feel destroyed like I did.  Fact of the matter is...they don't feel that way (or at least don't show it) because the depth of emotion we had for them is absent in their hearts. 
I didn't fully understand this concept until I started paying attention to my 3 year old niece and my friend's 3 year old daughter.  It's around this age that defiance and other negatives come into view regarding very basic human emotion.  They often use the word "no", expect you to constantly do things for them, and when you don't focus your attention on them or provide them with what they request...a temper tantrum usually follows.  Additionally, they can "love" something one minute and toss it away the next, not ever thinking about their previous enamorment until their new "love" becomes stale.  Now put those same behaviors into an adult body and you have a person with BPD.
What I'm getting at is this...we essentially became involved with children.  Yes, they looked like an adult, did/said adult things, and at times probably appeared to be more mature than we were.  But the fundamental difference between nons and a pwBPD is that nons have developed/matured/adapted those primitive emotions to coincide with the expectations of a civilized society.  They have not.  We have the capacity to carry feelings of deep love and concern, they do not.  While we allow ourselves to feel anger, frustration, and sadness...they desperately try to avoid/suppress it.

I know this is difficult to understand as it took a while for me to digest it as well, but...it is what it is.  Let your emotions flow, talk to those close to you or strangers on this board, and try to focus on your well-being.  No one short of a mental health professional can truly help a pwBPD and even then it is limited by the will to change.  Good luck and God Bless.

[refuge]

everything gets to her, problem is she dissociates everything so it doesn't stick for but a couple days, then ta-da! all new again... you have a signifigant emotional investment in someone who who's only  invested by a few days.. no matter how long you have been with her.. black hole

[Maria Carolina]

Hi KE.
No, she will never feel the way you do because you are a healthy person and she is a sick one.
She has a very complex illness that makes her act in the same way over and over, she is not able to mourn a r/s, she only let someone who is not longer good for her and find a replacement, but very deep into her it only increases her misery and pain.
It's not about you, it doesn't compromise your worth. By contrary the fact that you have the capacity to cry, feel sad and grief shows us that you are a loving and caring person.
Over has explained it in a very accurate way, pwBpd are children in an adult body.
So be gentle with yourself.
Blessings

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[KE151]

Thank you everyone.

The problem probably is that I KNOW she is sick and doesn't really react to stress the same way that I do. But I FEEL the pain eating me alive and it gets worse the more I think of her and ruminate. Only weeks ago she was begging me to "go to couple's counseling with me because we can get through this" and "stay together forever because we are meant to be together" etc, now she has just moved on while I'm holding on to sanity for my life.

Well, last night I was finally able to sleep (I'm posting from Europe, that's why the weird time...) because got some clarity after speaking to a friend who had a BPDgf a couple of years back. Being alone in a house where we lived together, the memories (happy ones and the terror) are just there all the time. It's sickening. I hope the pain goes away soon.

[OverandDone]

KE151, I'll be honest...  The pain might take a while to go away, but that's okay.  It's how you cope with it, that will define you.  A year later I still ruminate and, to a lesser degree, shed tears over a fantasy/dream I had of a future with my ex.  (BTW, I bought a house at the same time I started dating BPDex so I know exactly what you mean when you mention the attached memories.  It's like the place is haunted.)  If you loved her with every ounce of your being, I wouldn't be surprised if you went through the same emotions.  That being said, it does get easier with time.  My therapist described the intensity of those feelings best when she used the analogy of the comics section in a newspaper...
Brand new, the colors (emotions) are vibrant and piercing.  But over time, as all things do, those colors (emotions) begin to dull and slowly washout/fade away.

Time heals all wounds.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive her.
Take care.

[KE151]

KE151, I'll be honest...  The pain might take a while to go away, but that's okay.  It's how you cope with it, that will define you.  A year later I still ruminate and, to a lesser degree, shed tears over a fantasy/dream I had of a future with my ex.  (BTW, I bought a house at the same time I started dating BPDex so I know exactly what you mean when you mention the attached memories.  It's like the place is haunted.)  If you loved her with every ounce of your being, I wouldn't be surprised if you went through the same emotions.  That being said, it does get easier with time.  My therapist described the intensity of those feelings best when she used the analogy of the comics section in a newspaper...
Brand new, the colors (emotions) are vibrant and piercing.  But over time, as all things do, those colors (emotions) begin to dull and slowly washout/fade away.

Time heals all wounds.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive her.
Take care.

Actually, I bought my house weeks before I started with her...do they follow the real estate market to hunt down new vics? :-)

Bad joke aside, thank you. Encouraging, good words that I need right now. God bless.

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