In NC - I just got contacted

[Think About It...]

Also, I agree about bringing my problems on to a new relationship. I'm meeting others and feel way better than I did in the past but I'm also not jumping into a new relationship. I'm just meeting others. I noticed it gives me perspective on how there's healthy people out there and even gives me hope looking forward. To not be blinded by my ex that she's a soulmate when she dumped me and was manipulative.

I met new people too - it is a good thing.  For me, I took a year of no sex, no dating - just friends.  I can honestly say making that choice was very good for me and gave me the space to deal with my own emotions.

How long were you in the BPD dance relationship? Mine was embarrassingly 3 'official' months and 4 including recycle. I already was single for about a year prior, just casually dating and I felt good about things. I must be able to jump out of this quicker. I don't jump into relationships in general. I'd say I'm quite picky so I'm hoping to just date and see what's out there again.
[/quote]
5 yrs & married - different than your experience.

Question for you - why did you get recycled, honestly?  Focus on your feelings - was it really because of the sex?

[seeking balance]

Also, I agree about bringing my problems on to a new relationship. I'm meeting others and feel way better than I did in the past but I'm also not jumping into a new relationship. I'm just meeting others. I noticed it gives me perspective on how there's healthy people out there and even gives me hope looking forward. To not be blinded by my ex that she's a soulmate when she dumped me and was manipulative.

I met new people too - it is a good thing.  For me, I took a year of no sex, no dating - just friends.  I can honestly say making that choice was very good for me and gave me the space to deal with my own emotions.

How long were you in the BPD dance relationship? Mine was embarrassingly 3 'official' months and 4 including recycle. I already was single for about a year prior, just casually dating and I felt good about things. I must be able to jump out of this quicker. I don't jump into relationships in general. I'd say I'm quite picky so I'm hoping to just date and see what's out there again.
[/quote]
5 yrs & married - different than your experience.

Question for you - why did you get recycled, honestly?  Focus on your feelings - was it really because of the sex?

[Forever]

Yes squid, she would say she met someone and was moving on, I would beg for her back promise her I would be different ( truth is I wasnt even doing anything wrong) but I would give up freedom and control we would get back and she would fall into the same controlling, attacking, critical person she was before. I was with her for 2.5 years, we went 10 months before first breakup, were broke up for 6 weeks, then we do it again 3 months later them it was just over and over, each time shorter then the next but each break up mire ugly then the previous one, the last one I went off so much cursed, yelled, and when she cried told her she deserved it. I was a monster and I think I gave her enough to blame me and to move on, the fact that she created the monster she will never see, she will paint me as the bad guy, exactly how she did with her 2 ex husbands and 2 other fiancées before me. So i am trying to move On I used to think if the relationship she has next dosent work if I would get a call but I need to realize she will be gone forever and start my life, so blocking her gives me the best chance for that to happen. I know how confused you are , I hope you realize your life will never be healthy with her, never

[nylonsquid]

Also, I agree about bringing my problems on to a new relationship. I'm meeting others and feel way better than I did in the past but I'm also not jumping into a new relationship. I'm just meeting others. I noticed it gives me perspective on how there's healthy people out there and even gives me hope looking forward. To not be blinded by my ex that she's a soulmate when she dumped me and was manipulative.

I met new people too - it is a good thing.  For me, I took a year of no sex, no dating - just friends.  I can honestly say making that choice was very good for me and gave me the space to deal with my own emotions.

How long were you in the BPD dance relationship? Mine was embarrassingly 3 'official' months and 4 including recycle. I already was single for about a year prior, just casually dating and I felt good about things. I must be able to jump out of this quicker. I don't jump into relationships in general. I'd say I'm quite picky so I'm hoping to just date and see what's out there again.

5 yrs & married - different than your experience.

Question for you - why did you get recycled, honestly?  Focus on your feelings - was it really because of the sex?
[/quote]

You mean why did she recycle me or why I tried it again?

To me, I was just not with her long enough to know who she truly is. The little road bumps in the brief 2-3 month relationship wasn't long enough for me to see clearly. I just assumed people communicate their differences and thought she could be very emotional and confused. Why did I go back? Because I felt like I didn't give her a chance. Again, she was the one pushing things during the relationship and I wasn't breaking, only bending and communicating. I felt I didn't give her a chance because I wasn't 'all in' (because of the bumps). After the break up, I thought that if I went in again with no doubt then she will feel better about things and more confident in the relationship. Again, everything about this girl was fantastic (aside from the BPD stuff which I wasn't aware of yet)! We shared similar interests, had the same humour, liked being active together, watched the same movies and best of all we laughed so well together. The laughter was contagious and I LOVED that!

THEN she came back, and the way she came back was strange I will admit. But she did came back and I felt that I had to accept it because I commited to the good feelings and making her feel great about us. Not even a week in and the controlling behaviour was the same if not worse. This really screwed with my head. I wasn't sure what else I could do. No wait! I shot a whole commercial for her STARRING HER for peanuts! A $25,000 worth video for a measily $2000 that I didn't get paid for. Not only that, I worked so hard that when it all ended I just collapsed into sickness. She didn't check on me and that was so hurtful. That's when she distanced herself because she says: Feels week when she's with me and needed to put some distance. I guess I believed that and maybe still do but what I didn't know is she was working a replacement during. B to the S!

Ughh... so that's my answer. It was too short for me to realize so I gave it a good chance. After the second break up and looking for answers my brother suggested I look into Borderline. What a smart guy! Lo and behold, I had lots of answers!

[nylonsquid]

Yes squid, she would say she met someone and was moving on, I would beg for her back promise her I would be different ( truth is I wasnt even doing anything wrong) but I would give up freedom and control we would get back and she would fall into the same controlling, attacking, critical person she was before. I was with her for 2.5 years, we went 10 months before first breakup, were broke up for 6 weeks, then we do it again 3 months later them it was just over and over, each time shorter then the next but each break up mire ugly then the previous one, the last one I went off so much cursed, yelled, and when she cried told her she deserved it. I was a monster and I think I gave her enough to blame me and to move on, the fact that she created the monster she will never see, she will paint me as the bad guy, exactly how she did with her 2 ex husbands and 2 other fiancées before me. So i am trying to move On I used to think if the relationship she has next dosent work if I would get a call but I need to realize she will be gone forever and start my life, so blocking her gives me the best chance for that to happen. I know how confused you are , I hope you realize your life will never be healthy with her, never

Forever,

Thank you soo much for sharing that! Im soo sorry to hear about your experience. I'm still curious why mine ended so fast. I wish I would have seen this train wreck coming but it was like an abrupt death. I don't know if it's because I got too close and comfortable to her, I felt I did. I felt she was scared of me and I tried to calm her down and that everything is cool. Never did I think she was going to break up with me.

Were your 10 month experience all honeymoon or was it also controlling? How far into it before she was showing controlling signs?

I think mine was from the start when she was asking for commitment. It was hours of bliss then just moodiness.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[seeking balance]

From what you say, you were not in it very long, it all sounds reasonable that you gave her another chance, absolutely...so why are you not just moving on then?  Why are you here? 
You have learned the facts of the disorder if you have read all the articles, right?
Yet, you are asking questions - there must be something driving it...what is that all about?

[Forever]

There were signs of her control right away, I had a lot of extracrricular activities when I met her played softball, went out with friends from work, had season tickets for phillies, and at first I thought giving some stuff was part of the give/take couples had, I was married for 10 years so I know I can't be going out all the time, but she would never settle for compromise I would give one thing up she would start working on the next thing until basically I never went out without her. But the final straw was when I had a coworker die and some guys and I were going o te viewing which started at 4 but since we all got done work at 2 we were going to get food and a couple drinks until it started but she flipped out saying I just wanted To go bar hopping and live the single life, no matter how I justified my actions or motives she would not listen, I just couldn't take it anymore so I lashed out big time and calle her words I never called anyone, maybe if I knew now what I knew about BPD I Wouk have acted more appropriately. But to your question The controlling comes subtly at first and your almost happy that someone wants so see you so badly that you accept it but it never stops anything that I liked became a competition to her, fantasy football, words with friends, reading, taking naps, so many times I heard i wish you loved me as much as (fill in the blank). I am a very patient person in 10 years of marriage me and my ex wife fought maybe 10 times. With my ex gf we would fight 10 times a month, There is no way anyone can go thru that and not lash out. We had some great times and she was very pretty and sexual so at times I felt so lucky to have her, but it felt like I was selling my soul to be with her and in the end it wasn't worth it. I am sure you feel the same way but I think at some point you have to make a stand and get your life back an since you have already started NC why not finish what you started,

[nylonsquid]

From what you say, you were not in it very long, it all sounds reasonable that you gave her another chance, absolutely...so why are you not just moving on then?  Why are you here? 
You have learned the facts of the disorder if you have read all the articles, right?
Yet, you are asking questions - there must be something driving it...what is that all about?

I'm not sure SB  I had some of the greatest moments with this girl and I thought I connected with her on a higher level. I don't connect so easily. I didn't idealize her on our meeting. Matter of fact, I didn't think it would work because she didn't look like my type. I got along so well with her though and and she grew on me until I liked almost everything about her.

Maybe I'm seeking reassurance that this will not work because it is scary jumping into the relationship again with her and difficult pushing someone you love away. It was a short relationship and so sometimes I go back and forth whether she was a BPD or not, which to me translates into if there is any hope. I honestly see TONS of borderlines nowadays based on my knowledge. It's soo strange. Then again, I ask myself that even if she wasn't borderline, that if what she did was acceptable. I can't even reason with her to be honest. I just don't get her logic so maybe that's where it ends?

I guess I know what to do but it's not easy..

I am afraid of getting back so I think that's why I'm here. For a reminder or reassurance.

I also am going NC but not how everyone expects. I would respond if I felt like it was safe or okay for me. Cutting her off maybe dramatic right now. I just don't want to show I'm absolutely upset. I'd rather show indifference but would like my own space. If she tries to connect then I'm not sure what to say. And perhaps that's why I'm on here. Should I simply say I need space? I need space and I'll contact you when I'm ready? I said that the one previous NC I attempted after she contacted me and went back on my word the following day. She had responded with 'ok'. I didn't know what to make of that and thought it was a mistake. Looking back, she had a replacement she was sleeping with so I felt stupid.

I don't want to feel humiliated and stupid like that again.

[seeking balance]

I'm not sure SB  I had some of the greatest moments with this girl and I thought I connected with her on a higher level. I don't connect so easily. I didn't idealize her on our meeting. Matter of fact, I didn't think it would work because she didn't look like my type. I got along so well with her though and and she grew on me until I liked almost everything about her.

She wasn't your type in looks, but you gave her a chance until you realized you really liked her - ok, nothing wrong with that.

Maybe I'm seeking reassurance that this will not work because it is scary jumping into the relationship again with her and difficult pushing someone you love away.

Outside of chemistry, why do you continue to do the push/pull with her?

It was a short relationship and so sometimes I go back and forth whether she was a BPD or not, which to me translates into if there is any hope.

hope for what?  If after a few months, you have managed to breakup 4 times - what are you hoping for, honestly.  Radical acceptance - accepting life as it really is.  This is not really even a BPD issue at this point; the 2 of you seem to have started a dysfunctional dance of breakup/makeup - why do you think that will change?

I honestly see TONS of borderlines nowadays based on my knowledge. It's soo strange.

true borderlines - doubtful (not that I too didn't see them everywhere )
borderline traits and emotionally immature people are indeed everywhere!

Then again, I ask myself that even if she wasn't borderline, that if what she did was acceptable. I can't even reason with her to be honest. I just don't get her logic so maybe that's where it ends?

You don't have to "get" her - but you do have to accept she is who she is.  If you don't like who that person is, you are better to leave than try and change her - it is healthier for you both.

I guess I know what to do but it's not easy..

nope - being emotionally mature is not easy at times.

I am afraid of getting back so I think that's why I'm here. For a reminder or reassurance.

you are more likely to get back with her if you keep all avenues open to her  - you will be lonely and she will catch you at a lonely time.  I see it daily on these boards.

I also am going NC but not how everyone expects.

it is up to you, there is no right or wrong way.  but, as Dr. Phil would say - how is this working for you right now?

I would respond if I felt like it was safe or okay for me.

what would that look like?

Cutting her off maybe dramatic right now. I just don't want to show I'm absolutely upset. I'd rather show indifference but would like my own space.

why are you so worried about showing your own emotions?  Ego?  Sounds to me like you are not blocking communication because you want her to see what you are up to...is this at all true?

If she tries to connect then I'm not sure what to say. And perhaps that's why I'm on here. Should I simply say I need space? I need space and I'll contact you when I'm ready? I said that the one previous NC I attempted after she contacted me and went back on my word the following day.

again, this all sounds like you are the one playing push/pull - not really her.

She had responded with 'ok'. I didn't know what to make of that and thought it was a mistake. Looking back, she had a replacement she was sleeping with so I felt stupid.

if she had a replacement - why do you want to speak to her again, let alone continue to wonder if you can have a relationship?

I don't want to feel humiliated and stupid like that again.

shame - not a fun thing to feel. 
what I can tell you is that when you feel shame because someone else acted poorly - there is a bit more going on with you than just this surface level stuff. 

Nobody wants to feel like this, how do you get to a point where you can let go of you humiliation so that you can let go of her?

[34broken]

The name of this thread should be changed to "Nah..I really don't want my undiagnosed exgf back...or do I?"

I say you do squid. Really, work on yourself as SB mentioned. Stop the madness. I only say this because I was in denial for the first two weeks and tried to fool myself into leaving 'doors' open.  I ended up hurting myself.


Peace.

[nylonsquid]

I'm not sure SB  I had some of the greatest moments with this girl and I thought I connected with her on a higher level. I don't connect so easily. I didn't idealize her on our meeting. Matter of fact, I didn't think it would work because she didn't look like my type. I got along so well with her though and and she grew on me until I liked almost everything about her.

She wasn't your type in looks, but you gave her a chance until you realized you really liked her - ok, nothing wrong with that.

Maybe I'm seeking reassurance that this will not work because it is scary jumping into the relationship again with her and difficult pushing someone you love away.

Outside of chemistry, why do you continue to do the push/pull with her?


Because she is a great person but deep down she is scared as hell. This is why she hurts me and runs from everything that has the potential of hurting her. I feel like we both fit each other in some ways perfectly. And in other ways not so. This is the push and pull.
[/color=blue]

It was a short relationship and so sometimes I go back and forth whether she was a BPD or not, which to me translates into if there is any hope.

hope for what?  If after a few months, you have managed to breakup 4 times - what are you hoping for, honestly.  Radical acceptance - accepting life as it really is.  This is not really even a BPD issue at this point; the 2 of you seem to have started a dysfunctional dance of breakup/makeup - why do you think that will change?


She broke up with me twice in 4 months. You're right though. This is why I can't be with her right now.
[/color=blue]

I honestly see TONS of borderlines nowadays based on my knowledge. It's soo strange.

true borderlines - doubtful (not that I too didn't see them everywhere )
borderline traits and emotionally immature people are indeed everywhere!

To me what makes it more clear that one is a borderline is mostly their irrational understanding of things. I try to be courteous and it is seen as a personal attack. A pattern of unstable relationships and not being able to stay single puts a stamp on it.
[/color=blue]

Then again, I ask myself that even if she wasn't borderline, that if what she did was acceptable. I can't even reason with her to be honest. I just don't get her logic so maybe that's where it ends?

You don't have to "get" her - but you do have to accept she is who she is.  If you don't like who that person is, you are better to leave than try and change her - it is healthier for you both.

Funny, because after she broke up with me the first time she said how she has issues and I told her I loved all she is WITH her issues because I also have issues. It's about working on the issues together. She said I bring out her issues and she can't face them right now.
[/color=blue]

I guess I know what to do but it's not easy..

nope - being emotionally mature is not easy at times.

I am afraid of getting back so I think that's why I'm here. For a reminder or reassurance.

you are more likely to get back with her if you keep all avenues open to her  - you will be lonely and she will catch you at a lonely time.  I see it daily on these boards.

I'm almost enticed to do the dance but not when I'm lonely or desperate. I'm too scared because I'm aware of the outcome. If I do, I'd try again when I am whole and she proves somehow that there is a change. I wouldn't even take her promises.
Best example of this is after the second break up and she was with someone, I led her to my place and my room and she was ready for the taking. I wanted to see how far she'd be willing to go until I realized it was too easy. I didn't lay a finger on her as much as I was enticed and as much as she looked like she wanted me to. I let her go because it just isn't right. This whole BPD thing has been such a fascinating eye opener.
[/color=blue]

I also am going NC but not how everyone expects.

it is up to you, there is no right or wrong way.  but, as Dr. Phil would say - how is this working for you right now?

Honestly, I think it's generally good. It's making me very discipled in not seeing what she's up to and I really don't want to know because Im fully aware and understand  it won't do me any good. Except when she makes contact then it's like Fatal Attraction's phone calls. javascript:void(0); Scary because I don't have a plan on what to say if I need to. I guess I flinched when she contacted me yesterday. I might also be scared because I've read about BPD so much that Im aware of what she's doing and it can creep me out.
[/color=blue]

I would respond if I felt like it was safe or okay for me.

what would that look like?

Well, I'd be independent, detached and aware of what she's all about and having unclouded judgement of things. So then I can make better decisions when she does make contact. I guess right now I'm reacting to her contact so I'm not ready yet.
[/color=blue]

Cutting her off maybe dramatic right now. I just don't want to show I'm absolutely upset. I'd rather show indifference but would like my own space.

why are you so worried about showing your own emotions?  Ego?  Sounds to me like you are not blocking communication because you want her to see what you are up to...is this at all true?

Yea, I think this might be true. I think that's not the main reason though. I think I just want to hold my ground and deal with things on my own. Seems like she's busy so she's giving me the space without me asking for it. But I think it does cross my mind occasionally of what she'd think because I know she snoops and I usually remember when I contact a girl, where usually I'd get self conscious about it because she'd be watching but I'm trying to let go of all that.
[/color=blue]

If she tries to connect then I'm not sure what to say. And perhaps that's why I'm on here. Should I simply say I need space? I need space and I'll contact you when I'm ready? I said that the one previous NC I attempted after she contacted me and went back on my word the following day.

again, this all sounds like you are the one playing push/pull - not really her.

I think I've done that before but I REALLY don't want the push and pull though it may turn to it. I definitely made my mind that as of now I am not ready to see or talk to her. I might respond if she asks for an explanation though but I'd keep it brief.
[/color=blue]

She had responded with 'ok'. I didn't know what to make of that and thought it was a mistake. Looking back, she had a replacement she was sleeping with so I felt stupid.

if she had a replacement - why do you want to speak to her again, let alone continue to wonder if you can have a relationship?

Absolutely right! When she told me she's with someone is when I got my answer that she'd moved on. I was terrified of this prior but after she'd told me, things seemed simple. I'm moving on. There is no other option. Can one not move on but still keep contact? I've read enough to realize I'm doing things for myself first and not to get her back or hurt her or get a reaction. I'd get more of a reaction if I completely blocked her.
[/color=blue]

I don't want to feel humiliated and stupid like that again.

shame - not a fun thing to feel. 
what I can tell you is that when you feel shame because someone else acted poorly - there is a bit more going on with you than just this surface level stuff. 

Yes. Im usually proud of my actions and try to do things the right way and be fair. I've let her get away with things but it's really that I didn't even fathom one having the ability to do such a thing! But I think I'm empathetic enough to realize she's doing it out of fear.  I can't be completely upset but I was never prepared. This has been a learning experience.
[/color=blue]

Nobody wants to feel like this, how do you get to a point where you can let go of you humiliation so that you can let go of her?

I did feel humiliated but I don't think I do now. I realize I made the best choice I was able to make with the knowledge that I had. Right now, I know better so I'm not giving in so easily. It's almost embarrassing to be involved with her right now. Being with her only for her to cheat on me or dump me for someone else and possibly a friend of mine, seeing how she has an eye open for guys around, means I only have myself to blame this time. It's not something I want to be part of. It's happened twice already.

Saying that, there's an opening, not to get together, not to be friends, but for perhaps taking steps to have things work in the long future. For herself or for us. She's reached out a few times and I didn't say anything. She showed interest in seeking therapy (ashamedly because her parents said to deal with things on her own) but she thinks it's impossible. I'm getting some tomorrow which is really hard to get here in Toronto and I might be able to land her an appointment if she ever wishes to change.

I'm not interested in all her drama, and right now she comes with a lot of it. If she has half the drama then who knows. But I can't wait.

[nylonsquid]

The name of this thread should be changed to "Nah..I really don't want my undiagnosed exgf back...or do I?"

I say you do squid. Really, work on yourself as SB mentioned. Stop the madness. I only say this because I was in denial for the first two weeks and tried to fool myself into leaving 'doors' open.  I ended up hurting myself.


Peace.

Haha. The suggested thread title might be what I'm thinking deep down, 34. Im almost done week 3 and feel like I can't stop now. I'm feeling better without her.

I might be in denial for leaving the door open but I certainly know absolutely that I can not deal with her right now.

[Applehead]

Forget, We are all like this at times, afraid of setting boundaries bc they'll leave us!  We need to understand and tell ourselves a million times if we must that if this is the case we don't need to be involved with this person!  Let's face it, if its that way then it is inevitable that they're going to leave sometime bc you can't walk on egg shells, land-mines or run scared forever!