Turning off feelings like a light switch

[Think About It...]

Been a bit of a rough week for me. Was corresponding emails with my ex who has many BPD traits and it got nasty, and left me wounded again. I admit it was very much my fault and was hoping for some answers, which I guess in some way I did.

She told me she didn't love me anymore and that it could have been me that had those feelings too, but it was her who had them first, like it was some sort of contest. Made me feel bad cause she told me millions of times that she never loved anyone like me and would love me forever.  She then continued and said that she just "has no interest in me anymore". Again hurt a lot to read that, felt like I was quite disposable or some sort of toy that she got bored with and just threw away. It really hurt. 

Next I asked her why she couldn't even give me a 5 minute phone call to at least break up with me in some sort of "human" way. Her response was "I can't afford it" (financially, we are long distance).  She than continued to throw it in my face that also she didn't call me because of one time in 2 years I refused to call her because honestly I couldn't afford it anymore, I made ALL the phone calls in our 2 year relationship and it cost me probably thousands of dollars, and the one time I said no, she throws it back in my face. So basically she is saying that me and my feelings aren't even worth a few dollars to her. It was really upsetting and hurt my feelings a lot to be treated like I meant nothing to her.

 I thought about the last few months and how she told me she loved me so much, alway will, etc. It honestly felt like she has just turned off a switch in her head with her feelings for me. Is this a common thing with others experience on here?

[Simon_80]

Been a bit of a rough week for me. Was corresponding emails with my ex who has many BPD traits and it got nasty, and left me wounded again. I admit it was very much my fault and was hoping for some answers, which I guess in some way I did.

She told me she didn't love me anymore and that it could have been me that had those feelings too, but it was her who had them first, like it was some sort of contest. Made me feel bad cause she told me millions of times that she never loved anyone like me and would love me forever.  She then continued and said that she just "has no interest in me anymore". Again hurt a lot to read that, felt like I was quite disposable or some sort of toy that she got bored with and just threw away. It really hurt. 

Next I asked her why she couldn't even give me a 5 minute phone call to at least break up with me in some sort of "human" way. Her response was "I can't afford it" (financially, we are long distance).  She than continued to throw it in my face that also she didn't call me because of one time in 2 years I refused to call her because honestly I couldn't afford it anymore, I made ALL the phone calls in our 2 year relationship and it cost me probably thousands of dollars, and the one time I said no, she throws it back in my face. So basically she is saying that me and my feelings aren't even worth a few dollars to her. It was really upsetting and hurt my feelings a lot to be treated like I meant nothing to her.

 I thought about the last few months and how she told me she loved me so much, alway will, etc. It honestly felt like she has just turned off a switch in her head with her feelings for me. Is this a common thing with others experience on here?

[Carri1]

I am so sorry this all happened to you.  You are not alone here tho.  My xBPDbf goes in his "mancave" at first so I'm not sure.  I tried not to bother him until he resurfaced because at that point he was his nastiest.  When I read your story I felt like it was some sort of control she was looking for. I actually wonder if they "feel" the feelings at all in the beginning. It would make sense to not. IDK 
Do yourself a favor and like most of us if not all...Move forward and don't look back. 

[Whatwasthat?]

Hi Simon

This sounds horrible - and actually to me horribly familiar.

My pdtraits exbf went from treating me like the answer to his dreams, pressuring me to move in with him and constantly stressing over the fact that I might leave him to dumping me for his long lost ex...in the space of 24 hours. I  thought he must be suffering from some kind of temporary insanity. At first I went into shock - but in the next few days I asked 'What about all that beautiful stuff we said and did? It makes me very sad to think of that...' He paused and said 'I have no perspective on that'. And I genuinely think he didn't. He then added insult to injury by refusing to post some stuff to me from his house because the postage would be too expensive - this man has been a high earning lawyer for many years.

There are others here who are more qualified to say why this happens. In my case I felt it was an 'object constancy' issue...he'd put me out of his head and that was it. I was no longer 'in use' and therefore not really of any interest.

[Sabine]

Simon, I'm sorry about what you are going through too. It can be mindboggling to try and figure out a pwBPD. Just know this, they do not think or "feel" like we (nons) do and their actions and words are on the extreme and always about them. When they are hurt they will say anything to hurt you back. Have you tried going NC? Have you read the articles on this board? It can help just to become educated on BPD so that you don't beat yourself up when they try to tare you down. It's not your fault, you did the best you could under the circumstances. Try not to take her hits by learning more about what a pwBPD is all about. I hope you stay close to this board, it's been a Godsend to so many of us.  Hang in there!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[redfeather]

Look the pwBPD trump card is INTENSITY Not intimacy. THEY ABSOLUTELY HAVE to HIT HARD AND STRONG initially to get you hooked. This is why the over the top sex in the beginning, the adulation/idealization/mirroring, listening to your every idea,thought as if you were some kind of God/Goddess etc...
When you do finally give in to this onslaught and thats what it is an assault... well they were just doing all that because the are MENTALLY ILL and that is what they do to get their needs met. Dont believe me GO find my replacement(s) and RIGHT NOW this very minute she is doing the same thing to another unsuspecting woman...She told me she was falling in love after 2 months? SCREECH!
In a healthy relationship people are in it for the long haul and have the skills and tools to handle normal adult relationships NOT a pwBPD. And why is that? Because the are actually CHILDREN in Adult bodies!
All the above was to say they are able to turn off their feelings like you and I would turn off a light switch because those feelings were transistory and well an illusion.
So please I promise you from past experience you do not want to dance with this shedevil one more time..No you really dont.
Keep posting her, exercise, drink plenty of water, get some sleep, learn how not to ruminate on her or your former relationship..she's not. Hi!

[KE151]

Simon, this would sound harsh unless I hadn't been there myself and knowing the pain...but I ENVY YOU! The long distance part that is. My ex lives half a mile away and I risk running into her all the time, our kids go to the same kindergarten etc. It's horrendous.

Just move on - and love yourself, not the lovely illusion of the real her.

[talkitout]

Simon, I share your pain and confusion.  When my uBPDexgf became upset, stressed out, or overwhelmed her switch would flip and I no longer mattered to her.  She would say that she doesn't love me and that she never loved me.  This was common and frequent during our breakups or fights.  

On one of the occasions she told me she didn't love me recently, a few days later when she started seeing me white again, she told me she loved me.  She must have noticed my reaction and asked me what was wrong?  I told her that I didn't believe her.  For one of the few times I can recall since our honeymoon phase, I felt like she briefly showed the caring, beautiful person buried deep within her...she hung her head in shame and shook her head and said that when she gets angry she says things she doesn't mean.  She then asked me to look her in the eye, and I couldn't...finally when I did she said I love you and you have to know that.  It felt good to hear her say that, but I knew whatever she was feeling at that moment wouldn't last.  Within two weeks she had left me yet again for what appears to be the last time.  What a twisted definition of love.  

[1brokenwing]

Simon, you are not alone here.  The push-pull has happened to all of us!  My T explains that BPDs DO love us, that's not the problem.  The problem is they cannot sustain those feelings for very long (nor hold on to the feeling of being loved).  So I guess it's like a vessel with a massive leak. It gets to be exhausting to give and give trying to fill them so they can then love us back.  Like someone said, object constancy.  It's like trying to have an adult relationship with a three year old.  Impossible and frustrating.  Imagine asking a toddler those questions you asked your gf and the three year old would respond with a blank look on her face (not being able to "conceive of it"). No abstract thoughts, only black and white.   

Your post helps me because 3 months out I still get an urge to callhide and ask about the whys of being replaced within 24 hours.  I am reminded that he would either get defensive, blame it on me, have no idea and shrug his shoulder nonchalantly and I'd be left feeling crazy all over again wanting to shake him by the shoulders to get a "normal" or "human" response. 

I didn't "get" why NC was important but took it on faith.  The pain does lessen, clarity and more importantly, SANITY returns and you can even breathe again and get some perspective.  I had become very tunnel visioned - to the exclusion of common sense and had begun to abandon myself, my life and my responsibilities to focus on making everything perfect for BPD so that I could recreate that honeymoon period.  After a while I felt like those hamsters spinning in those wheels. 

Stay on here and vent and share what you need to! Unlike going to her, you WILL be validated, affirmed, appreciated, supported, heard and understood here! And, it WON'T be all smoke and mirrors!   

[dah1029]

Absolutely adhere to NC.  I've had many trials and errors with it.  I've now been NC for only 9 days, but I'm very proud.  (I sound like an alcoholic at AA !).  The first few days were a bit tough, but now I feel less obsessive over him, not interested in what he's doing, who he's with.  I don't care because whoever it is, can't ever be me.  His loss.  And remaining NC greatly improves my cocky attitude.  My ex is also local, and I look forward to running into him and his Plain Jane companion-- whatever she is.  I plan on looking right through him.  Don't be mean--  ignoring them kills them much more severely. 

My cocky attitude also has come back after being dumped 6 mos ago.  So although I've been NC only 9 days, the time has helped to get back on my feet with my attitude.  And I'm grateful for my attitude because it wasn't long ago that I spent hours on my couch staring at my tv, not absorbing anything.  I'm done being broken.

As my cousin always says to her loser exes who mistreat her and then come crying back a few weeks later about how much they love her, miss her, want her back--  "Join the club".  I just set her up with a great male friend of mine 5 weeks ago.  They are both so happy to be dating someone "normal".  And my heart is so happy to see her finally with a good one.  It will happen for you someday too. 

[patientandclear]

Simon:

My exBPDbf used the actual term "flipped a switch" to explain why he left so suddenly, just days/hours after telling me I was the love of his life, his true love, the best thing that had ever happened to him.  He said that a small incident with my kid, where I comforted her, "flipped a switch" in him that he was unable to switch back.

So yes.  I think it is just like that.

The question then becomes: accepting that that is indeed how it feels for them ... how could you possibly contemplate being with someone whose feelings work like that? Right?  Sure, you can miss what you thought you had, miss it like hell.  But you have to give up on the idea of actually wanting it back.  Do you want to be with/be connected to someone whose most fundamental feelings work like a light switch?

Hang in there.  This is excruciating.  But just because it hurts to be away from her doesn't mean it isn't necessary and isn't the beginning of the path toward healing & real happiness, eventually.

[goinbonkers]

Been a bit of a rough week for me. Was corresponding emails with my ex who has many BPD traits and it got nasty, and left me wounded again. I admit it was very much my fault and was hoping for some answers, which I guess in some way I did.

She told me she didn't love me anymore and that it could have been me that had those feelings too, but it was her who had them first, like it was some sort of contest. Made me feel bad cause she told me millions of times that she never loved anyone like me and would love me forever.  She then continued and said that she just "has no interest in me anymore". Again hurt a lot to read that, felt like I was quite disposable or some sort of toy that she got bored with and just threw away. It really hurt. 

Next I asked her why she couldn't even give me a 5 minute phone call to at least break up with me in some sort of "human" way. Her response was "I can't afford it" (financially, we are long distance).  She than continued to throw it in my face that also she didn't call me because of one time in 2 years I refused to call her because honestly I couldn't afford it anymore, I made ALL the phone calls in our 2 year relationship and it cost me probably thousands of dollars, and the one time I said no, she throws it back in my face. So basically she is saying that me and my feelings aren't even worth a few dollars to her. It was really upsetting and hurt my feelings a lot to be treated like I meant nothing to her.

 I thought about the last few months and how she told me she loved me so much, alway will, etc. It honestly felt like she has just turned off a switch in her head with her feelings for me. Is this a common thing with others experience on here?

i am truly sorry you had to go through that.  yes, admit that it hurt.  the more i used to deny that it hurt, the longer it would hurt so please don't do that.  maybe she never even knew what she felt.  probably just said the words to appease you but didn't follow those words with actions though.  been there.

[knaloneor]

She is using words as the switch and words hurt, huh? Hurts because we trust and the pwBPD knows we've lowered our defenses. But hurts mainly because we let it hurt. She never had any emotions for you, not any constructive ones anyway. So she is NOT turning feelings on and off like a switch. She is turning you on and off like a switch because you are asking for it. So maybe, like me, your personality is such that you seek pain, and she's good at giving it. I mean, if your looking for pain then you contact your exBPD and have some words...email, telephone, sms, whatever. she knows the very minimum words required to destroy your trust and will use them, always.
So what I'm trying to say after reading your words is that you were looking to have a conversation of validation with her, and she, another oportunity to knife your emotions. She knows what to say to make you feel like sht, don't you get that? And she will never, never stop taking every chance to do such work with the utmost of malice. It's right there in your own words. You were trying to tell her how wrong she was by not being "human". You will not win that argument with her. You will only find the same end you have seen every other time; disappointment. It is her job.
I'm maybe alone in my understanding on this and my opinions are only mine but in my situation every conversation, every word between my exBPD and I after our final seperation has led to chaos. Why in the heck would you want to communicate in any way? Especially just to rationalize your own wounds? When she will only cause you pain? Maybe, like me you want the pain?
It'll pass. Go for a walk.
No contact,  it is your best friend. Run from the crazy.

[luckystrikes]

yeah simon, unfortunately (or fortunately, since it gives you others who share your experience) its very common.

what always helped me, was hearing/learning exactly how common  or typical everything that had happened to me was. it really took most of the personal sting out of me, frankly.

do not take what she says 'seriously'. no, im not necessarily suggesting she's lying to you, or not being honest with herself. but what shes describing is the nature of the disorder.

i was with mine for three years. she publicly pined over me far more than any previous boyfriend. i was put on SUCH a ridiculous pedestal. i was perfect. "my face was made for her". you know, id learned some years ago not to put cheating past anyone. but in the case of her, it was way beyond trust, it was faith. she was so clingy, dependent, and needy...and not to mention so possessive, it seemed so outside the realm of possibility. fast forward to the end when i was suddenly dumped, replaced, and was able to add enough together to more than suspect she cheated on me, probably repeatedly. to the point that i had to seriously consider whether or not i could have an STD. and then i was an enemy, whom she became vindictive toward, even using my debit card for two purchases totaling 140 bucks.

the betrayal with a borderline is incredible. youre likely never going to face anything like this again.

now, to attempt to get a little bit in the head of a pwBPD, here is why i say do not take what she says seriously.

borderlines live in the moment. feelings=fact. frankly you can dismiss her expressed love as much as her expressed disinterest. neither one are sustainable. another factor is that youre out of sight. if you were to be in front of her, she might act very differently, and it might be a very different story.

ive been with 4 girls with strong borderline traits. so i saw this "lightswitch" several times. yet i also saw them maintain an interest with me. id catch wind that when they found out i was with someone new, it really shook them. does that mean there were feelings that they'd been ignoring? not really. like everything else, its in the moment, its triggered by or based on something, and not to be taken seriously.

her excuse about not calling you is kinda telling. its not a surprise that she would remember that one time of yours, that you couldnt call, and use it against you. pwBPD store EVERYTHING and will throw it at you like the kitchen sink, no matter how sick and absurd it sounds. what that suggests is that your inability to call her was perceived as abandonment. this should highlight for you exactly how impossible it is to please these people. something else to keep in mind is that borderlines cannot truly detach, although it looks like youve been "disposed of". when my ex and i broke up, something felt different this time, but i wasnt certain id really been broken up with. the entire conversation was ambiguous. shed never expressly say "its over". she couldnt. THAT is likely why she actually couldnt go through with the phone call, or closure, or giving you what you deserved. bringing up that you missed one phone call in two years sounds like a very convenient excuse.

think of her as brainwashed, now, as sad as it may be to contemplate. it sounds as if youve more or less been painted black. maybe not all that black. but she seems a bit vindictive, defensive, and obviously uncaring. think of it this way. previously, you represented the world to her. you were her identity, and her source for meeting her needs. when you werent 100% able to meet them, like anyone else, you began to represent pain. the entire conversation you had with her, was likely a trigger. she seemed as if she couldnt care less about how much she hurt you. in reality, it was likely the opposite. hurting you, minimizing you, built her up. and she was in somewhat of a defensive position anyway. thats often the attitude youll get in that case.

heres the point im ultimately trying to make, and ill reiterate it. you need to reach a place, and you will, where youre able to depersonalize both her affectionate words, and her vindictive words. its a very delicate, tricky balance. because no one wants to believe they meant NOTHING to their partner, and i would never say that, i dont believe it to be true. but you arrive at a place where you see EVERYTHING for what it was, part of the disorder. you dont consider it all an illusion, or fake. but you realize it was a desperate person attaching to you in a very unhealthy way. that whether or not you were special, they CAN and likely will do this with others. and you look at all the ill treatment, the "im not interested in you anymore" in exactly the same way. its not personal. its another part of a mind boggling disorder playing out.

what you need to remember is this is not a stable person, who was capable of meeting your needs, and you deserve better. know that.

[dah1029]

I never thought my ex would pull the crap he did with me.  I never thought he would be a liar.  He was manipulative with attention, clingy, needy, hated being alone, and a depressive.  But everyday from the day he met me, he had been hiding and  lying about an alcohol problem.  It started soon before we met when his wife died.  I'm sure that triggered abandonment terror.  My anger with him is that he was so selfish to get his own needs met, that he completely disregarded what was best for my kids and I, and then discarded us when we failed to meet his needs.  He hid his alcohol everyday for almost 2 years.  Would come over for dinner, leave around 8p stating that he needed to go home and walk the dog and go to bed.  What he was really doing was stopping at the local bar for an average of 4-5 drinks before he went home to bed.  Then I guess he was drinking during the day eventually when he was at his semi-retired part time job.  Then he napped all afternoon while I was at my full time job.  And would usually show up to my house ready to do something just as I rolled exhausted into the driveway. 

Yet I would receive criticism for talking to male friends-- mostly gay male friends.  I shouldn't be talking to other men when I was with him.  Complained that I was always tired.  Yeah-- I work more than full time, have 2 kids, and have a home to care for, and don't nap all afternoon.  The BPD is alot of work.  If you feel like sacrificing yourself and all your dreams to meet their needs, then God bless you.  I am tired out.

[Simon_80]

Thanks everyone very much. it is truly mind boggling how this happened. One day i was everything, next day was piece of trash, it is very hard to process, and very painful. I loved/love her very much but this has to stop, it hurts a lot but I deserve better.

knaloneor: You are totally right I have been looking for the pain. It is like I went out to seek it.  I just wanted some sort of answers, some sort of reason, which I will never get so I set myself up for disappointment and it hurts even more.  I am learning and I won't do it again.

luckystrikes: your post was amazing, thank you very much for that it put a lot of things into perspective. Thank you.

[goinbonkers]

wow another person with the phone calls story?  man i seriously thought i was the only one. 

i swear my BPDw would majorly get on my case if i didn't answer 100% of her phone calls whenever she called me, at whatever time of day she chose to call me, and it really didn't matter what I was doing at the time either.  i miss one single call, and it is like i missed every single call she'd ever made, and then its like the end of the world.

[cocobell]

This thread is very interesting. My ex/friend also used similar language, he claimed that he had 'put his feelings away' or 'shut them down'. He recently said, 'I'm here but my feelings are over there' (points to a bit of empty space). 'They weren't always over there,' I replied, to which he said: 'No, but they definitely are now'.

It's like his feelings have been locked up, and the key thrown away. He implied that he had done this deliberately, and it was based around things I had done/not done, said/not said. Most notably my attempt to define my boundaries and ask him to be less critical.

When I said I didn't understand how someone could turn off their feelings like that he got a little defensive, in a 'hey this is just how I am' kind of way. Then he said there was no going back because this is just how his mind worked. He described it as, 'I think in parallel lines.' It felt very brutal at the time.

CB

[goinbonkers]

This thread is very interesting. My ex/friend also used similar language, he claimed that he had 'put his feelings away' or 'shut them down'. He recently said, 'I'm here but my feelings are over there' (points to a bit of empty space). 'They weren't always over there,' I replied, to which he said: 'No, but they definitely are now'.

It's like his feelings have been locked up, and the key thrown away. He implied that he had done this deliberately, and it was based around things I had done/not done, said/not said. Most notably my attempt to define my boundaries and ask him to be less critical.

When I said I didn't understand how someone could turn off their feelings like that he got a little defensive, in a 'hey this is just how I am' kind of way. Then he said there was no going back because this is just how his mind worked. He described it as, 'I think in parallel lines.' It felt very brutal at the time.

CB

He basically deals with his feelings by stuffing them.  Unfortunately that never works.  It actually makes matters worse.  True that is how he is because [no one ever taught him how to be any different].  And don't think you can teach him because you cannot.  He has to want to learn, then teach himself.

[oletimefeelin]

Talk is cheap, right?  She did love you at that moment.  You were what she wanted at that moment.  Mostly because she couldn't handle you leaving.  It's been a rough ride, I know.  Try to see her for what she is.  Tragically flawed and in a lot of pain. 

Get the heck out of there.  You are compounding this stuff, and will ultimately look back on all this and cringe.  It's going to suck.  Take the steps to cut what connections you may have left on your own.

You have your own work to do here.  Good luck buddy.

[dah1029]

White Doe and Simon--  that's what happened to me too.  Laughing and bantering one day.  Went to Home Depot to get flowers for my mother's garden.  Helped me plant them while he talked to my father. Made him a sandwich for lunch, went out that evening, had a minor conflict over him being dismissive to me, and I was dumped before the weekend was over.  I still don't get it.  All I did was approach him about his behavior, his untreated depression, wanted him to see a doc, and I got dumped instead.  I guess it's ok when they make demands on us, but we're not allowed to do the same back.  I just wanted him to be healthy for us.