Turning off feelings like a light switch

[Think About It...]

White Doe and Simon--  that's what happened to me too.  Laughing and bantering one day.  Went to Home Depot to get flowers for my mother's garden.  Helped me plant them while he talked to my father. Made him a sandwich for lunch, went out that evening, had a minor conflict over him being dismissive to me, and I was dumped before the weekend was over.  I still don't get it.  All I did was approach him about his behavior, his untreated depression, wanted him to see a doc, and I got dumped instead.  I guess it's ok when they make demands on us, but we're not allowed to do the same back.  I just wanted him to be healthy for us. 

If it means anything, I feel you did nothing wrong.  They just hate to be wrong.  Ever.  Been there.

[goinbonkers]

White Doe and Simon--  that's what happened to me too.  Laughing and bantering one day.  Went to Home Depot to get flowers for my mother's garden.  Helped me plant them while he talked to my father. Made him a sandwich for lunch, went out that evening, had a minor conflict over him being dismissive to me, and I was dumped before the weekend was over.  I still don't get it.  All I did was approach him about his behavior, his untreated depression, wanted him to see a doc, and I got dumped instead.  I guess it's ok when they make demands on us, but we're not allowed to do the same back.  I just wanted him to be healthy for us. 

If it means anything, I feel you did nothing wrong.  They just hate to be wrong.  Ever.  Been there.

[aurora.dragon]

My pwBPD used to tell me he was damaged as his mother left him.  He hates his mother now and won't talk to her.
He also used to tell me he had a "like" pile and a "hate" pile and when someone disappointed him or made him mad he would put them in the hate pile - where they would stay.
He said people were like grains of sand- that there was always more.
Well, I guesss this lil grain of sand got chucked in the hate pile...

[goinbonkers]

My pwBPD used to tell me he was damaged as his mother left him.  He hates his mother now and won't talk to her.
He also used to tell me he had a "like" pile and a "hate" pile and when someone disappointed him or made him mad he would put them in the hate pile - where they would stay.
He said people were like grains of sand- that there was always more.
Well, I guesss this lil grain of sand got chucked in the hate pile...

He sounds like a very unforgiving person.  So very sad.  Most BPDs are like that though.

[redfeather]

Isnt it so very odd how  much our experiences with this particular part of their cycle is?
 Mine one day was telling me she was falling in love with me , posting all these FB posts to let her friends know how much of a difference I had made in her life and we were planning our 1st trip out of town together. She actually chose something without my prodding that was designed just for me. I still feel a little pang of anger when i think that is not going to happen.
But at any rate that was on a Friday.  By SUNDAY I was as they say HISTORY..
My replacement was already on deck. They started sleeping together that very SUNDAY.
Since I knew what I was dealing with I made only one phone call wishing her well. That was in early Jan 2012. Havent heard one peep from her since unless you count her CREEPING my facebook page EVERY day! Oh and since that bruising of my ego in January she has recently started randomly "liking" many of my FB posts... Does that count as contact? Hi!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[goinbonkers]

since that bruising of my ego in January she has recently started randomly "liking" many of my FB posts... Does that count as contact? Hi!

I would say yes. 

Did you hear about that dude that got court ordered no contact?  Well all he did was FB poke the person and he violated his court order and got arrested for contact.

[cocobell]

He basically deals with his feelings by stuffing them.  Unfortunately that never works.  It actually makes matters worse.  True that is how he is because [no one ever taught him how to be any different].  And don't think you can teach him because you cannot.  He has to want to learn, then teach himself.

Yeah, I know... I don't understand how a person could deliberately put themselves into denial but it seems he works this way. Maybe this is what makes him 'happy' (I don't believe he's truly happy.) The most frustrating thing is that there seems to be no way back.

All I did was approach him about his behavior... I guess it's ok when they make demands on us, but we're not allowed to do the same back.  I just wanted him to be healthy for us.

Same happened... I approached mine about his behaviour, and got a wildly over the top response, and then he told me he couldn't be himself with me any more - a precursor to the feelings being switched off. But yes it was fine when he was hypercritical of me, naturally!

It's horribly sad when someone would rather cut a person out of their heart than take on board feedback about themselves. Because there is not a person alive who will never say to their partner 'hang on, I don't really like it when...' or 'I'd really like it if you did...' I don't understand how a person can say they hate themselves (like mine often did) but at the same time be unable to take any criticism, no matter how well meant, from another person.

CB

[dah1029]

Goinbonkers--  I feel that they're very unforgiving also.  I was just thinking about that yesterday.  We have to overlook all their annoying behaviors, but God forbid we mess up.  We're painted black and not allowed forgiveness.  All I wanted was for mine to see a doc.  That's a reason to dump a 2 yr R/S and my 2 kids that adored him ?  That's what's unforgiveable. 

The odd thing too is that when we split up, if I tried to interact with him, I was rejected and coldly dismissed.  But yet if I adhered to NC as he had requested of me, then he was angry at me also. I would imagine that the NC reinforces their abandonment.  But he's the one that demanded that I leave him alone.  I couldn't win. 

I've been NC for almost 2 weeks.  It gets much easier as the weeks go by.  I have my low times, like last evening.  But I was also very busy running around with kids last night and that probably didn't help my psyche. 

[goinbonkers]

Goinbonkers--  I feel that they're very unforgiving also.  I was just thinking about that yesterday.  We have to overlook all their annoying behaviors, but God forbid we mess up.  We're painted black and not allowed forgiveness.  All I wanted was for mine to see a doc.  That's a reason to dump a 2 yr R/S and my 2 kids that adored him ?  That's what's unforgiveable.  

The odd thing too is that when we split up, if I tried to interact with him, I was rejected and coldly dismissed.  But yet if I adhered to NC as he had requested of me, then he was angry at me also. I would imagine that the NC reinforces their abandonment.  But he's the one that demanded that I leave him alone.  I couldn't win.  

I've been NC for almost 2 weeks.  It gets much easier as the weeks go by.  I have my low times, like last evening.  But I was also very busy running around with kids last night and that probably didn't help my psyche.  

@dah1029

I am not really sure where you even bridged that I am unforgivable.  

I may post lots of things that may perceive I am unforgivable, but the thing that I leave out is that these things I mentioned have happened more than I can care to count.  I and most everyone else in the world can forgive one thing, but it makes no sense to keep continuing to forgive them for the same exact crap that they repeat over and over again.  

Forgiveness has two elements that most people are not aware of, which is 1) you have to forgive the person for their wrong/folly towards you, and 2) the offender must work on how they are going to try to prevent themselves from repeating their wrong/folly.

The second part is really what pissed me off because the person does not work on themselves and keeps just wanting me to forgive them for the same old crap again and again and again 'til the end of time.  That's not how forgiveness works.

I do wish you luck in getting him to get into counseling because he's never ever going to do that unless he is able to admit his wrong (which is a gigantic step for them) and also be willing to do the work to stick to counseling for however long it takes.

My BPDW has been in counseling but only for short periods of time which does nothing.  And she went for a long time one time but only to focus on me and not herself.  Using counseling to only focus on the other person never ever ever works.

You are asking him to do more than you think you are.  I am in counseling right now and it is kicking my butt something major.  So can you imagine what that something major equates to a pwBPD?  

I was told it usually takes something traumatic to happen in order for them to want to go to counseling.  That has yet to happen to my BPDw.  She does no wrong in her mind.

[gettingoverit]

So basically she is saying that me and my feelings aren't even worth a few dollars to her. It was really upsetting and hurt my feelings a lot to be treated like I meant nothing to her.

 I thought about the last few months and how she told me she loved me so much, alway will, etc. It honestly felt like she has just turned off a switch in her head with her feelings for me. Is this a common thing with others experience on here?

Holy crap man, that is a classic BPD trait. First they tell you how much they love you and that your are their (insert BPD crap here), then when they have finally sucked you for everything they can, they don't even have the courtesy to leave with dignity and respect, they have to drag your name in the mud, and literally go out of their way to destroy you while you are already down. My ex was exactly the same way. One day she loved me and showed affection, the next day she hated me and blamed me/or relationship for her unhappiness. It was crazy making at it's finest. Although I know now she is very unstable, I still don't know if I will ever forgive her. You know the ending of our relationship was not as bad, as how she chose to end it, and how she conducted herself after the fact. She really showed her true colours there. A lack of moral conscience, and clearly no integrity to speak of. Definatley not the woman she portrayed herself to be in the beginning. In actuality she was a con artist, a faker and a liar. The funny thing is she actually believes she is a woman of substance..., that's rich. Are there good things about her, sure or else I would not have stayed with her as long as I did. What you went through is not unusual when it comes to BPD's. Sorry it happened to you man. Welcome to the club, unfortunatley this is one club no one whats to be a member of.

[Butterfly78]

I'm glad to know that I am not alone with this. My ex swept me off my feet in the beginning and of course in time I fell in love and we were talking marriage, but slowly he started being more distant. He stopped doing all of the things he did in the beginning. He always had excuses for things though. Since he pushed marriage so much I kept wanting to know where we stood, but then he started getting angry with me saying thats all I care about. He would say he wants to focus on friendship right now and come back to us when we got somethings sorted out. He said he could put his feelings on the shelf and come back to it. I had never heard of such a thing and felt he was calling all the shots for me emotionally. We went through a few months of this and he would pull away, but then be affectionate. The week he dumped me he grabbed me on the beach and kissed me. Told me he doesn't tell me often, but he just loves his time with me. I even found an email last night from 2 weeks before he dumped me that said he loved me, wanted to take care of me blah blah. He wrote me an email asking for space and by the next week found out he was dating a girl at work. All I got was a text saying he was sorry and he's not my enemy. After 2 years that was it. He wrote me off and hasn't looked back. I felt like I got hit in the head and had no idea what happened. Now I'm understanding. He wasn't diagnosed with this, but my therapist feels this is waht he had. Plus he suffered in the past with self injury and depression. I have to tell myself this man is not well.

[KE151]

Goinbonkers--  I feel that they're very unforgiving also.  I was just thinking about that yesterday.  We have to overlook all their annoying behaviors, but God forbid we mess up.  We're painted black and not allowed forgiveness.  All I wanted was for mine to see a doc.  That's a reason to dump a 2 yr R/S and my 2 kids that adored him ?  That's what's unforgiveable.  

The odd thing too is that when we split up, if I tried to interact with him, I was rejected and coldly dismissed.  But yet if I adhered to NC as he had requested of me, then he was angry at me also. I would imagine that the NC reinforces their abandonment.  But he's the one that demanded that I leave him alone.  I couldn't win.  

I've been NC for almost 2 weeks.  It gets much easier as the weeks go by.  I have my low times, like last evening.  But I was also very busy running around with kids last night and that probably didn't help my psyche.  

I was told it usually takes something traumatic to happen in order for them to want to go to counseling.  That has yet to happen to my BPDw.  She does no wrong in her mind.

Yeah, but the question is: what's traumatic enough for them to get help?

[luckystrikes]

unfortunately, in my experience, and from what ive read, it seems like most of the time, when theres such a sudden shut off, its usually because theres someone else in the wings.

that was surely the case with #1. it wasnt so much with #2, even when she was with others, or we werent otherwise 'together', we acted like it. #3 im not sure it worked EXACTLY that way. there were more factors at work. but she was spending a great deal of time with her ex, and after she got sick, her feelings were gone. they came back for a day or two, and then she broke up with me, and was with the other guy in a couple of weeks. it wasnt as dramatic as a normal breakup with a borderline, her and i continued to try and be friends, but when she got back with him, i couldnt do it. it just about killed me to cut her out of my life, because i was hoping she would pursue me.

but yeah, the one that led me here, thats pretty much what happened. having seen the light switch effect before, this was the most shocking. youll read stories on this thread, and all over this board, of borderlines pulling away and withdrawing affections. not mine. it was clingy/dependent/needy as well as doting/loving/obsessing/idealizing for essentially the entire three years, save for the fights, when i was a bad guy. but usually most of that was taken back. so when the over night silence and profound distance came, it actually took me some time to realize it, and then i panicked. it made NO SENSE. and at the time, something was screaming at me, despite ANY evidence at all, that there was someone else. but none the less, that someone else popped up, or rather, was thrown at me, within less than a week.

even knowing everything i know now, its still kinda shocking. there was no sign of anything, no waning of affections in 3 years, we were on an upswing (i had decided i wanted to completely reinvest in the relationship rather than leaving it) and then it just happened over night. now, ive added things up of course. she was around this guy on new years, and i wasnt. my ex had absolutely freaked out at me, and i had all but broken up with her, and took to ignoring her while trying to get over it. on top of it all, i had actually MET this guy one year earlier, and he was/is my doppelganger. i figure its fairly simple. she freaked out at me. i "abandoned" her. she found a new toy to make her feel better at the time. thats where the attachment started, and only grew. plus, i believe she had very very likely cheated on me, possibly repeatedly. i think thats why things got SO crazy toward the end.

[dah1029]

Goin bonkers--  sorry, I didn't mean you were unforgiving.  Up above you wrote a note to Auruora Dragon that her ex sounded unforgiving.

[goinbonkers]

Goin bonkers--  sorry, I didn't mean you were unforgiving.  Up above you wrote a note to Auruora Dragon that her ex sounded unforgiving.

@dah1029

sorry.  i mis-read your post big time.  i read incredibly fast.  maybe i need to work on that. 

i must read slower.  i must read slower. 

i must react slower.  i must react slower. 

i must stop doing ten thousand things at once also.

i may have developed a BPD induced defense mechanism. 

[dah1029]

I forgive you.

[Gus926]

but at the same time be unable to take any criticism, no matter how well meant, from another person.

Any criticism of mine was not ever taken as constructive.  It was always taken as a direct attack on her, that I thought she was a piece of sh*t, that I was being judgmental and negative, that I was better than her and looking down my nose at her, etc...

I loved this woman (and her daughter) with all my heart.  Does anyone with a rational mind think that when a person has those feelings towards another that they would deliberately directly attack them and think that they were a piece of sh*t?

Crazy...

[goinbonkers]

but at the same time be unable to take any criticism, no matter how well meant, from another person.

Any criticism of mine was not ever taken as constructive.  It was always taken as a direct attack on her, that I thought she was a piece of sh*t, that I was being judgmental and negative, that I was better than her and looking down my nose at her, etc...

I loved this woman (and her daughter) with all my heart.  Does anyone with a rational mind think that when a person has those feelings towards another that they would deliberately directly attack them and think that they were a piece of sh*t?

Crazy...

Unfortunately to say, that's just how BPDs are.  They often feel attacked with they are not.

[redberry]

I can identify with this.  Yes, they do turn their feelings off like a light switch.  So fast it will make your head spin.  But as was said before, it doesn't really happen until they have somebody waiting in the wings to take your place.  I watched first hand in disbelief as it happened--both at the beginning of the r/s when I replaced his previous host, then at the end when I was abruptly replaced.  Nothing would change his mind.  Nothing.

[cocobell]

Any criticism of mine was not ever taken as constructive.  It was always taken as a direct attack on her, that I thought she was a piece of sh*t, that I was being judgmental and negative, that I was better than her and looking down my nose at her, etc...

I loved this woman (and her daughter) with all my heart.  Does anyone with a rational mind think that when a person has those feelings towards another that they would deliberately directly attack them and think that they were a piece of sh*t?

Yeah same here. He reckoned I thought I was better than him... I didn't of course.

Regarding turning feelings off, might it be because they have unrealistic ideals, and they are actually in love with a fantasy rather than a real person? And when the person turns out to be human, warts and all, they get disappointed and the disappointment is just too much for them to take. Maybe it feels frightening.

Sometimes we do make mistakes... perhaps we did judge them sometimes, or say the wrong thing, or be too critical... but the point is that everybody does this because we're all human. This is the point of apologies and forgiveness. Everybody has their threshold of which behaviour they would forgive or not, and it seems that the BPD tolerance level is set way too low. They see what would otherwise be 'normal' arguments, disagreements, criticism etc as something beyond terrible that they just cannot cope with.

As for a replacement being lined up as a precursor to turning off feelings, well, is that not just another fantasy? We have become too real, so the safest thing for them is to transfer the fantasy onto a new person, who hasn't disappointed them yet. But they will.

Perhaps their feelings are interchangeable between people, because they're not really in love with the real person, rather an idealised image in their mind. Just a thought!

CB

[goinbonkers]

You just caused a light bulb moment.  

Yeah I think with me my BPDw was in love with the fantasy she always wanted me to be, versus being in love with the real me.  Now with the impending divorce, and her saying she wants to see other men, I am sure she is going to try to find that same fantasy person in them that she was trying for a great many years to find in me.

Everyone tells me of course she's going to fail because such a person as she desires does not exist.  I understand that, but still doesn't make me feel any better.  I hurt.