Turning off feelings like a light switch

[Think About It...]

You just caused a light bulb moment.  

Yeah I think with me my BPDw was in love with the fantasy she always wanted me to be, versus being in love with the real me.  Now with the impending divorce, and her saying she wants to see other men, I am sure she is going to try to find that same fantasy person in them that she was trying for a great many years to find in me.

Everyone tells me of course she's going to fail because such a person as she desires does not exist.  I understand that, but still doesn't make me feel any better.  I hurt.

I don't think it's "A fantasy person". It is whoever happens to be easily available to them at the time. They're not willing to pursue someone for very long - if the target is clearly not interested, they'll move on to the next slot machine. Certainly some boxes have to be ticked (looks/wealth/status etc) but this is secondary to the need of displacing their loneliness.

Which ever guy mine was with in the past, I got the feeling there was always some characteristic, personality trait or feature (hobby or a certain skill maybe) that exuBPDgf assimilated herself with and found hugely appealing. It became part of her. And then the guy became part of her - in her mind at least.

[KE151]

You just caused a light bulb moment.  

Yeah I think with me my BPDw was in love with the fantasy she always wanted me to be, versus being in love with the real me.  Now with the impending divorce, and her saying she wants to see other men, I am sure she is going to try to find that same fantasy person in them that she was trying for a great many years to find in me.

Everyone tells me of course she's going to fail because such a person as she desires does not exist.  I understand that, but still doesn't make me feel any better.  I hurt.

I don't think it's "A fantasy person". It is whoever happens to be easily available to them at the time. They're not willing to pursue someone for very long - if the target is clearly not interested, they'll move on to the next slot machine. Certainly some boxes have to be ticked (looks/wealth/status etc) but this is secondary to the need of displacing their loneliness.

Which ever guy mine was with in the past, I got the feeling there was always some characteristic, personality trait or feature (hobby or a certain skill maybe) that exuBPDgf assimilated herself with and found hugely appealing. It became part of her. And then the guy became part of her - in her mind at least.

[saxon747]

Which ever guy mine was with in the past, I got the feeling there was always some characteristic, personality trait or feature (hobby or a certain skill maybe) that exuBPDgf assimilated herself with and found hugely appealing. It became part of her. And then the guy became part of her - in her mind at least.

And then what ?

[O'Maria]

Mine was in love with the fantasy of being in love, the partner always had to focus on him and him alone, his needs. Forget the rest. Whenever I needed personal breething space, there was a fight.

No empathy or respect for others. He could turn cold in a second if he didn't get what he wanted. I don't think its real love they experience.

 

[saxon747]

Mine was in love with the fantasy of being in love

I think that stems true with alot of Bpd's, mine certainly followed suite

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[forgetthepast]

Bonkers,

I hear what you are saying.  My ex's mother even said to me, when she found out that her daughter dumped me again, "I wish things would have worked out between you two.  I have no idea what she is looking for and what she thinks she is going to find."  Is that any consolation to me?  No.  I am left with the fact that I got my heart ripped out of my chest and I'm laying in a pool of my own blood on the side of the road.

[cocobell]

Everyone tells me of course she's going to fail because such a person as she desires does not exist.  I understand that, but still doesn't make me feel any better.  I hurt.

Absolutely, it's still horribly painful. But it makes it slightly easier for me to know that it was not my fault that I couldn't live up to his fantasy, because nobody can. It allows me to let myself off the hook.

Mine is probably unusual in the sense that he has never had a proper relationship, i.e. he doesn't constantly go from person to person like a lot of the BPD exes described on these boards. He prefers to be on his own until he finds the perfect ideal love. He thought I was it, presumably, but obviously I'm not because nobody is. He told me once that if it took til he was 70 then that would be fine, he'd wait. But he will be waiting his whole life.

I don't think just any person can be the recipient of this fantasy-love. Like KE151 says, there needs to be some boxes ticked. Physical attraction is obviously part of it, as are certain personality traits or characteristics which fit in with their ideal. In fact, ha, I've just remembered mine told me early on I had "a lot of ticks in boxes".   

That's part of idealizing someone though I suppose. Treating them like an object. As though you're going shopping for a car. "Well I want air conditioning, leather seats..." etc.

No empathy or respect for others. He could turn cold in a second if he didn't get what he wanted. I don't think its real love they experience.

Yeah. I wonder what they think love is.

CB

[gettingoverit]

Any criticism of mine was not ever taken as constructive.  It was always taken as a direct attack on her, that I thought she was a piece of sh*t, that I was being judgmental and negative, that I was better than her and looking down my nose at her, etc...

I loved this woman (and her daughter) with all my heart.  Does anyone with a rational mind think that when a person has those feelings towards another that they would deliberately directly attack them and think that they were a piece of sh*t?

Yeah same here. He reckoned I thought I was better than him... I didn't of course.

Regarding turning feelings off, might it be because they have unrealistic ideals, and they are actually in love with a fantasy rather than a real person? And when the person turns out to be human, warts and all, they get disappointed and the disappointment is just too much for them to take. Maybe it feels frightening.

Sometimes we do make mistakes... perhaps we did judge them sometimes, or say the wrong thing, or be too critical... but the point is that everybody does this because we're all human. This is the point of apologies and forgiveness. Everybody has their threshold of which behaviour they would forgive or not, and it seems that the BPD tolerance level is set way too low. They see what would otherwise be 'normal' arguments, disagreements, criticism etc as something beyond terrible that they just cannot cope with.

As for a replacement being lined up as a precursor to turning off feelings, well, is that not just another fantasy? We have become too real, so the safest thing for them is to transfer the fantasy onto a new person, who hasn't disappointed them yet. But they will.

Perhaps their feelings are interchangeable between people, because they're not really in love with the real person, rather an idealised image in their mind. Just a thought!

CB

I couldn't agree with you more. I totally think that they are more in love with the fantasy of what they think you are and what you can do for them then who you really are. My ex has lived her entire life in fantasy mode. She believes all the hollywood romance crap. And yes moving from one partner to the next at lightning speed is exactly that, moving from one fantasy to the next until that new person misses the mark, then it's back to looking for another fantasy fix. And there is always another fantasy fix.

[goinbonkers]

And there is always another fantasy fix.

that never seems to last for too long huh?

[O'Maria]

I think many of the behavioral traits my ex showed were narcissistic although he had suicidal threats and raging too, more typical for borderlines. It was easy for him to turn off his feelings as soon as he did not get the royal treatment and constant attention. A couple of his friends said the same, he gets mad if he is not the center of attention.

I believe a narcissist or borderline can't experience love like non's do. Because they are so passionate and manipulating, it's easy to get stuck in the Fantasy of love.