At the End of my Tether

[Think About It...]

Hello to my friends here at our very cool Cyber-Community,
This message board is my lifeline right now.  Thank you from my heart for all of your posts. 
I am very exhausted and frightened this morning.  You know some of my story, but my son is in serious trouble again and I really don't know what to do.
As you may know, Camh in Toronto has confirmed my diagnosis of my son's BPD and he has been attending the DBT Skills Training for a month and has seen the DBT therapist for 2 months.  All good news!
Now the unbearable!  A distant acquaintance pays for a taxi  for him to visit her and she is buying him alcohol and allowing him to stay with her.  She kept  phoning him and asking him to come over.  This woman's husband died of alcohol poisoning in January.  Now she is giving my son liquor.  I think she has a stalker mentality.  I kept the phone off the hook successfully for a week and he was doing so well with his health and behavior; however, she managed to get in touch with him and has been giving him about 20-25 ounces of hard liquor daily since Tuesday.  I can tell as he has come home ridiculously drunk 3 days in a row.  I am in such a dilemma, as I have been very clear with him about house rules and he has abided by them for the last 4 weeks.  I can't stomach him coming home drunk day after day and yet, even yesterday, he was talking about going to his DBT Skills group on Monday.  He is always on time for his sessions, never causes a fuss going there, which is a huge improvement.
Part of me wants to go back to the UK with my husband,, yes, heronbird, he is now in the UK, as I miss his company dreadfully and I am so tired of living in this BPD craziness.  Part of me says to hold the course, as my son is doing DBT right now.  With his alcohol consumption at this level though,  I don't know if he will be able to continue.  My dh and my fil have asked this woman repeatedly not to have contact with my son, but she is so lonely, she will do anything for the company, I guess.  Very scary!
I want to leave town, folks and forget this nightmare.  Oh yes!  I am also attending an 8 week Family Psycho-educational course on BPD and it started this week.  The first session was excellent and it was so nice to be with others, but the other pwBPD seem all very high-functioning, which makes me very sad.
I am so exhausted though and low in spirits.  I need a break badly.  I guess we all do, don't we?
I welcome any ideas or perspectives.
Reality

[Reality]

Hello to my friends here at our very cool Cyber-Community,
This message board is my lifeline right now.  Thank you from my heart for all of your posts. 
I am very exhausted and frightened this morning.  You know some of my story, but my son is in serious trouble again and I really don't know what to do.
As you may know, Camh in Toronto has confirmed my diagnosis of my son's BPD and he has been attending the DBT Skills Training for a month and has seen the DBT therapist for 2 months.  All good news!
Now the unbearable!  A distant acquaintance pays for a taxi  for him to visit her and she is buying him alcohol and allowing him to stay with her.  She kept  phoning him and asking him to come over.  This woman's husband died of alcohol poisoning in January.  Now she is giving my son liquor.  I think she has a stalker mentality.  I kept the phone off the hook successfully for a week and he was doing so well with his health and behavior; however, she managed to get in touch with him and has been giving him about 20-25 ounces of hard liquor daily since Tuesday.  I can tell as he has come home ridiculously drunk 3 days in a row.  I am in such a dilemma, as I have been very clear with him about house rules and he has abided by them for the last 4 weeks.  I can't stomach him coming home drunk day after day and yet, even yesterday, he was talking about going to his DBT Skills group on Monday.  He is always on time for his sessions, never causes a fuss going there, which is a huge improvement.
Part of me wants to go back to the UK with my husband,, yes, heronbird, he is now in the UK, as I miss his company dreadfully and I am so tired of living in this BPD craziness.  Part of me says to hold the course, as my son is doing DBT right now.  With his alcohol consumption at this level though,  I don't know if he will be able to continue.  My dh and my fil have asked this woman repeatedly not to have contact with my son, but she is so lonely, she will do anything for the company, I guess.  Very scary!
I want to leave town, folks and forget this nightmare.  Oh yes!  I am also attending an 8 week Family Psycho-educational course on BPD and it started this week.  The first session was excellent and it was so nice to be with others, but the other pwBPD seem all very high-functioning, which makes me very sad.
I am so exhausted though and low in spirits.  I need a break badly.  I guess we all do, don't we?
I welcome any ideas or perspectives.
Reality

[Battle Weary]

Reality,

What a horrible situation!  This woman clearly has problems of her own but she is also preying on your ds.  I have no experience with such a situation, but does he understand how bad this person is for him and would he agree to a restraining order against her if such a thing is possible?  Would it do any good for you to confront her?  Would he agree to daily AA along with the DBT as a condition for staying with you? 

Finally, is it all in the realm of possibility for you and him to join your dh in the UK?  You'd have dh's support in dealing with your ds, which would help you.  There are private DBT places in the UK so maybe he could continue there. It's hard to tear him away from a program he is doing so willingly, as well as from a program for you, but sometimes when an environment becomes toxic moving away from it temporarily is a good choice.  Maybe you and heronbird could get together and start a UK support group.

[heronbird]

Oh Reality, so dredful, I feel your pain  I have been there, similar situations, so so damn hard I know.

Wow, DBT, so so good still going to that. Ok, this is what is happening right now, with my dd suddenley it can all change. I was so concerned when her stupid bf wanted to take her to Florida, but it all changed two days or so later when they broke up. I remember she was doing so well, we were shopping and he phoned her saying hed booked it, I felt such a heavy heart. Soon realised things change, I also know we have warned bf s off from out dd but they cant seem to resist her even after promising us that they would not have anymore to do with her.

Reality, why is dh in UK? and you over in Canada? You know in reality (haha) you cant leave your son, you need to be there for him, why not bring him over here and live here haha, you could campaign with me
You seem to be in a helpless situation, all this getting drunk and is he on medication? can you tell his therapist and see if he can address this a bit with him, your son will find it hard to say no wont he, to the girl I mean.
My poor dd said that to me few times, she cant say no, tries to please me then tries to please bf.

This reminds me of in the book where she says its like watching your son/daughter standing in a tidalwave and you are helpless to do anything, you just stand there and watch helplessly hoping that s or d wont drown, she obviously writes it better, but its so true.
We are here for you, keep us posted

[heronbird]

Yes battleweary, I sometimes feel I am the only one in UK with this to deal with, I need some people so we can organise support group next somehow.

But it sounds like realitys son is responding to DBT and if he moves anywhere it will be different therapist, might not like so much if you know what I mean, this is just awfull

[heronbird]

ooh, also just thinking, at least he comes home, I think my dd wouldnt you see because she knows how annoyed Id be, so I bet shes done it plenty of times but just hangs round others houses or streets until she can act normal. dont know if thats helpful

[Reality]

Dear Battle Weary and Heronbird,
Thank you so much for your posts to my sadness, as it helps tremendously to hear different perspectives and ideas.  I am very glad that you are here on this board.  I have decided to take a long range view of my son's situation, a bird's eye view if you will!
The dx is clearly in place.  A big step!
My son is attending DBT Skills Training and Therapy willingly and with attention to being on time.
A big step!
I am attending a Family Psycho-Educational Session on BPD, which is excellent.  A big step!
I have decided to overlook my son's drinking this week to see if he straightens up well enough to complete the Skills Training and then I will re-visit the options at the end of June. 
My husband and I are going on a vacation for two weeks mid-June come h...or high water.  So I am going to focus on that and start counting down the days. 
Other strategy for me is commitment to my Self-Care, which I have neglected somewhat recently.  Long vigorous walks, good nutrition and focusing on long-term gain and goals.  I have become too isolated recently and over-focused on my son.
I am going to hold the course for now, as DBT is very hard to access here. 
I think this issue for me has been a common problem.  I have worked so hard for my son and then I become too depleted and I give up, maybe at the very point where I need to endure.  Here's to endurance and hope!
As my father used to say to me, tighten your belt and hold high the sword.  One does need a warrior stance in this battle.
Reality

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[lbjnltx]

dear reality,

one thing i know for sure...everything changes!  only God is constant!

our children (no matter thier age) have emotional imaturity...as one would redirect a small child from a forbidden object or activity we can redirect our pwBPD...attempt or offer an option to  make him "unavailable" to the alcohol pushing widow.  activities that he enjoys...can't resist.  time can break the spell she has cast on him and the lure of alcohol induced freedom from his internal turmoil...he is worth the effort...everytime.

lbjnltx

[Reality]

Thank you lbjnitx,
I appreciate your encouragement and wisdom.  Self-care is in place now and I will keep on with the effort until end of June. 
All the best,
Reality

[heronbird]

Reality, you sound more possitive, good Im glad.
I decided same thing as you, you get to a point enough is enough.
Mindyou, I dont feel like going on hol this year ?
Will go next year though. I started eating healthy 4 months ago and have lost two stone, Id put on so much weight with all the difficulties, now I feel much better about myself.
I am so jealous that you are getting psycho education on BPD, thats so good, they dont do that over here.
And  your son doing DBT, thats such a possitive isnt it.

[qcarolr]

Reality - 

   Taking care of yourself - you need to be strong and courageous. Warrior - that is a good way to put it.

Sounds like a very good DBT program. My guess is your S knows he needs to get away from this woman - perhaps his coming home each day and continuing to talk about going to DBT skills class shows this. Can you encourage him to call his T to talk about what he is going through right now with this toxic r/s? Can you ask him what skills he has that would help him make this call right now? He needs an 'emotion coach' maybe - some good validating questions?

Im not very good at coming up with these questions - but now seems like a good time for some.

OR just stay out of the way as long as he continues doing his DBT sessions and classes.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

[Reality]

Oh my goodness, friends,
One day of self-care, my 3 mile up-and-down hill walk, a delicious salmon dinner and one husband present for 2 days.  After  dinner, we went and talked to the concierge of the condo building, where the alcoholic woman lives and relayed our story and fears.  It turns out that she told everyone that our son was her nephew? We asked if it would be possible for the concierge to deny entry to the building to our son and she was very co-operative and agreed to tell the other concierges to please do the same, if possible.
Next, over to the Police Station we went, where we told the above story again.  It turns out that because this woman has been harassing us with phone calls, the police can lay criminal charges.  We reported the incidents of the repeated phone calls despite our asking her to please desist and hopefully there will be conditions of zero contact imposed by the judge.
My goal now is Self-care first, as things turned out better today than ever I expected.  Thank you, each one of you.
Reality

[Reality]

Heronbird,
That was so clever of you to have reminded me that often things change very quickly, like your daughter's trip to Florida.  You were right and it helped me out of my blue mood.
Reality

[heronbird]

Oh my gosh reality
  well done, thats so proactive, I am so empressed. You done all you can now havent you, so good dh was back with you for a while anyway.

Hope it all goes well with this one. Good outcome, but exausting for us all this stuff, so good to look after you first.

[Battle Weary]

Reality,
Well done! Heronbird was really right about things changing so quickly.  But here you played a major role in making change happen--must feel most empowering.  So great the woman lives in a concierge building and you could make arrangements without having to confront her.  Also good the police were so cooperative.  And your dh appearing to help out in all this--sometimes things do have a way of working out.

[Thursday]

Hi Reality,

I'm wondering what your son has to say about this unfortunate turn of events.

Do your house rules include "no drinking"?

I know it's terrible that this disfunctional woman has identified your son as her drinking buddy but also wondering why your son is invested in this activity when he seems to be with "the program" otherwise.

Your tactic to question the concierge sounds like it might work. I'm concerned however, that this sort of move may not always be possible...at some point not engaging in this sort of behavior has to be your son's choice...and moves to get him to the point where he understands this and takes care of himself seem better moves to make than to try to stop it from the end you have little to no control over (and by this I mean influences out in the world that your son brushes up against.)

Running behind your son and trying to alert anyone you can to his dilemma will only exhaust you.

Depending on how extreme the crises is, I suppose moving the whole shebang to the UK might be beneficial in the moment but we do have to consider his gaining some tools for life.

Best of luck with this latest dilemma.

Thursday

[Reality]

True Thursday,
We didn't take these measures, as a modus operandi principle, but only to provide immediate relief for me and to keep the household calm.  Obviously, one would not want to spend one's life chasing away the world from one's adult  child.  It was a stop-gap measure to see if my son can control himself now and to see if he continues to be motivated to do DBT.  He has attended Skills Training and therapy religiously for two months, always planning ahead with his sleep problem about how he will manage that so he can go to the sessions.  He is always on time and most co-operative when he goes.
He has stopped cutting completely since beginning of January.  This is a man, who had blood-soaked sheets constantly and blood everywhere.  Like an obsession.  I am not talking delicate cuts.  He has also stopped all threatening behavior and is quite pleasant most of the time.  As well, he has been working out daily, drinking protein drinks and spending hours with us talking.  He is definitely softening. 
He has until the end of June, to finish his DBT.  He can continue with private Skills Training if he wishes after that.  We have told him that he will need to be working or studying by July.
I appreciate your perspective, Thursday.  He says he drinks to quell the panic.  That may or may not be true, but since he is doing therapy and DBT now willingly, I am seeing that as a small step forward. 
Reality

[Thursday]

Reality,

Your boundaries seem very in line with your difficulties with your son. So wonderful that he has invested himself into DBT.

Thanks for clarifying your unique issues. Your progress with him since January is so encouraging for your future.

Thursday

[Reality]

To all of my dear true friends at BPDFamily,
Each one of you added a piece of support that I needed with my struggles this week-end.  Thank you from my heart and mind and soul. 
Good news!  After launching the police complaint, the police took action immediately and arrested the alcoholic woman last night around midnight, informing my husband.  I am so pleased that they handled this situation with the seriousness it merited.  I must add as an informative aside that I think it made a significant difference having my husband with me, as it seems that issues are always more seriously addressed when the two of us together deal with the police, although I am pleased with my own new assertive stance. 
Thank you to Battle Weary and heronbird for your consistent kind and wise  support, which I cherish deeply.   Thank you Thursday for reminding me to be vigilant about how much we take on personally, instead of demanding responsibility from our son.  And lbjnitx, thank you for your compassionate, always being-there-in-a-sensible-and-proactive-way stance, as it influenced our conversation with our son this morning.  My dh was trying to laze a bit and when my son agreed he needed to be painting, so that he would have paintings to sell at the marina at our old family cottage (that is a whole other mess), I made sure my hubby took him right away to the art store to buy canvases and paints.  My son has decided to go to the cabin at the lake this summer to paint and maybe to start a handyman'a cottage services summer company.  Lbjnitx, thank you for this perspective, as it helped me to  see more clearly the importance of encouraging healthy pursuits and it kept me focused in a positive way.  These darlings need to keep their hands busy, painting, knitting, riding, re-making clothes, writing...
Thank you qcaroir for your encouragement and pointing out the importance of validation and helping me to see that his talking about his DBT therapy is an indication of motivation and change.
This incident with this woman corroborates what I have thought for years.  The easy availability of substances in today's world has had an enormous impact on the prevalence of BPD.  Honestly, I think there are three causes of BPD.  Genetics about 90%, an inflexible education system and street drugs.  Remember, this disorder is modern, since the 40's.  No-one will ever convince me that the easy access to street drugs doesn't create the disorder initially.
Battling onwards, I am so thankful that this pernicious behavior of this woman has been stopped.  A chink at a time and gradually the wall will fall.
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts and time.
Reality

[Battle Weary]

Reality,

I can't believe they arrested her!  I was hoping you could at least get a restraining order, but that is way better for you.  Here's to taking action!  So often we don't because we have that BPD skeleton in our closet and worry that if we complain it will come tumbling out on top of us.

Sometimes it seems it takes a moment of high drama involving authority figures like police or medical doctors to get our dear ones to make a leap in their thinking.  This seems to have happened with your DS.  What a glorious plan! A summer in your cottage painting and fixing up old things.  It sounds so lovely, and yet very achievable.

Drugs definitely play a role.  Here is something interesting:  there is something called conversion disorder where people have often severe neurological symptoms but there is no physical cause.  At the same time, the people are not faking it and are not malingerers.  The symptoms could be blindness, inability to speak, paralysis, or nonepileptic seizures.  Freud referred to this as hysteria.  This is not very common in the most developed countries, but it is frequently encountered in more traditional cultures.  I read something once--I believe in a Turkish publication--that noted as countries become more modernized, the incidence of conversion disorder goes down, while the incidence of BPD goes up.  It seems conversion disorder--most prevalent among women--can be viewed as a reaction to the too restrictive contours of traditional cultures, while BPD comes about where traditional mores are breaking or have broken down.  That would include drugs of course--in more traditional countries powerful prescription drugs are pretty routinely available OTC so it is quite easy for a vulnerable person to hooked to, say, Valium. My question is what comes first--BPD or the drugs to ease the pain?

[Reality]

Dunno, Battle Weary, it's like the last days of the Raj up at the cottage.  Not much tolerance...
Reality