Last two days have been horrid. Looking for support.

[Think About It...]

These last few months have been, by comparrison, pretty good! However these past two days have been absolutely horrid and I don't understand...I'm just looking for some comforting words of support.

We were coming off of a really good weekend.  My fiance (with BPD) and I had spent an amazing, fun filled weekend with his daughter, and things were going really well.  We went to the parade on Saturday. We went to a comedy show, we took his daughter to one of the children's events, we went to dinner with friends, and we played laser tag! All of these fun activities, though they seemed to go well, I believe caused overload.  We got home sunday night, and his daughter started getting ready for bed.  I went to do laundry, came back upstairs and he was sitting on the couch. He said "I spilled her plant!". She had planted a seed at the kids event that we had gone to. A little cup with a tomato seed she planted.  I said, "Well maybe we can fix it. Let's look for the seed". I got down on my hands and knees and started looking for the seed and picking up dirt. 

She wasn't upset. I wasn't upset. Nobody was upset...except all of a sudden he was standing over me looking for the seed and he started yelling at me. Because why would I put the cup there anyways (I put it on the plant shelf, in the sun, right next to the other plants...why would I put it there? Gee...I don'tknow), and he didn't know it was there and it wasn't his fault.

I said why are you yelling at me? You did this. I'm just trying to help.  Yes, I realize I shouldn't have put the blame on him. But HE was putting the blame on me. And I literally did nothing except try to help.

Anyways, after that event, he refused to tuck his daughter in bed. Because "she hates me". And since then it has been an angry rollercoaster ride of his moods and temper. I'm really fed up. He promised me some time together when got home, but he got home 45 minutes ago and hasn't said a word to me. 

So frustrated, so close to the end of my rope. Just so SICK of things getting this way.

[meekobodiddley]

These last few months have been, by comparrison, pretty good! However these past two days have been absolutely horrid and I don't understand...I'm just looking for some comforting words of support.

We were coming off of a really good weekend.  My fiance (with BPD) and I had spent an amazing, fun filled weekend with his daughter, and things were going really well.  We went to the parade on Saturday. We went to a comedy show, we took his daughter to one of the children's events, we went to dinner with friends, and we played laser tag! All of these fun activities, though they seemed to go well, I believe caused overload.  We got home sunday night, and his daughter started getting ready for bed.  I went to do laundry, came back upstairs and he was sitting on the couch. He said "I spilled her plant!". She had planted a seed at the kids event that we had gone to. A little cup with a tomato seed she planted.  I said, "Well maybe we can fix it. Let's look for the seed". I got down on my hands and knees and started looking for the seed and picking up dirt. 

She wasn't upset. I wasn't upset. Nobody was upset...except all of a sudden he was standing over me looking for the seed and he started yelling at me. Because why would I put the cup there anyways (I put it on the plant shelf, in the sun, right next to the other plants...why would I put it there? Gee...I don'tknow), and he didn't know it was there and it wasn't his fault.

I said why are you yelling at me? You did this. I'm just trying to help.  Yes, I realize I shouldn't have put the blame on him. But HE was putting the blame on me. And I literally did nothing except try to help.

Anyways, after that event, he refused to tuck his daughter in bed. Because "she hates me". And since then it has been an angry rollercoaster ride of his moods and temper. I'm really fed up. He promised me some time together when got home, but he got home 45 minutes ago and hasn't said a word to me. 

So frustrated, so close to the end of my rope. Just so SICK of things getting this way.

[eeyore]

It's easy for us to see that you were trying to help.  We are all here to support you and help you.  I remember very similar types of circumstances.  The frustration is what I remember the most.  It does help to take a deep breath and to not reply.  Let him try to regulate his emotions.  Has he gotten any help with therapy?

[Wanda]

 Sorry you are having a bad time right now, but A BPD doesn't like to take blame, so they put it on someone else all part of having this horrible disease , and you getting blamed for it is all part of it also.
 HElping to remeber that during these times, and remembering there have been more good times then bad also helps.
 When things get heated and he blames you that doesn"t mean you have to take it, sometimes just knowing you aren't to blame and picking and chooseing your arguments.  not saying anything not easy but better then an argument.
 walking away taking your time out helps also.  There is so much to read on here and to learn,

 Things will get better just now they aren't i know what you are going through been there myself many times...

[meekobodiddley]

Thank you for your responses.

We are seeing a therapist together, but not for his issues. For parenting issues of his daughter.  I have tried to communicate that he has BPD to the therapist, but he has managed to convince the therapist otherwise (although the therapist watched him blow up at me one session, and almost storm out of the room, leaving me by myself).  He denies his problems with drugs (marijuana), not admitting it to the therapist.

I think it makes it even harder when things go well for awhile, and then everything breaks down.  It's been about a month since he blew up at me at the therapist's office.  Since then, things have been really good. Now that I think about it, though, a month isn't really all that long... Three days ago, I was a the point where I was questioning whether or not he even HAS BPD...

Walking away is one thing I need to work on.  I'm not very good at backing down and taking it in the rear.  Thats what it feels like, anyways.  I've been working hard on putting water on the fire instead of gasoline, and I thought I did a pretty good job of that last night, because when he started blowing up, I just went to bed...but things are the same now. Guess me backing off didn't help put out his fire.

[meekobodiddley]

Not only that, but me backing off doesn't help stop my own fire.

I've been getting more and more depressed since this happend.  I feel so defeated. 

[eeyore]

Not only that, but me backing off doesn't help stop my own fire.

I've been getting more and more depressed since this happend.  I feel so defeated. 

The one step forward then a step back can feel that way.  Now that you know this is part of the illness your hard work is ahead of you.  This isn't an illness that a Therapist can sprinkle pixie dust on.  And it's not "HIS" problem only.  Much of what you face is your own thinking and behavior. 

If you knew you had a child that was handicapped you wouldn't expect that child to have all the capabilities of a child that wasn't handicapped.  Similarly you can't expect a man who has BPD to act like one that doesn't.  I used to often wonder does my BF have BPD especially when he bought and presented me with a beautiful 1.2 carat engagement ring in front of my family and 35 other people.  Things had gotten to the point where I thought that we had conquered the issues.  Only for two months later the push started and he took the ring back and took actions that were completely unfathomable.  Such as telling me it was over and starting up on match within days in front of me.   Taunting me with his match activity... mind you we live together.  In fact he still says what he did was justified as he blames me for causing the problems by making him feel hen pecked.   

You have to dig deep down inside and ask yourself what your truth is.  What can you live with and what you can't live with?  Don't  let your boundaries be broken.  If it is you have to know what you have to do and not let your boundary slide...  I let my boundary slide and I became a total doormat.  Finally I had a heart to heart with myself and said I can't live like that and took my own actions for me.  It was the best thing that I did for the relationship to become more balanced.  It would be better to live alone and healthy than to have continued with the way things were.    I don't know if it will work out and many days I vacillate to undecided and leaving.  But I can offer what my experiences have been and what I needed to live. 

[LoveNotWar]

I think the anger is normal. When my h was first dx I felt so angry, very cheated and so sad cause I realized I was never going to have the marriage I had dreamed about. I have learned more about BPD and worked  w/a T on my own so I feel angry much less often and when I do I have tools to help. But it took some time and lots of effort on my part.

The depression is also pretty common and if necessary you can get anti depressants from your family doctor. I am working at taking care of me first to fight the depression. I am back to running, I reach out to friends that I had allowed myself to be isolated from and I plan a family outing w/my d and her family every other weekend. My h doesn't do the family outing cause he feels like second fiddle around my d.

Boundaries...boundaries...boundaries! I'm not so good at it but am definitely getting better, don't stay for verbal abuse, get outta there. It's not good for either of you to be part of that rage. I made a commitment to myself to leave before I get angry so I can be calm when I say I need a break.  He doesn't always like it.

It sounds like you handled the seed incident very well, kudos to you. This is HARD and will wear you out.

I have a strong commitment to stay w/my BPDh cause we are married...he's my husband, so I don't wish for things that will not be. I accept what we are dealing with and am trying to learn how to make it better but it's a journey that will be fraught with many bumps in the road.