Is it trivial in your opinion?

[Think About It...]

I have a question I would like opinions on. My recurring disagreement with BPDH. First a short back history. I work 2 jobs and suffer from migraines if I don't sleep right. I go to bed every night as close to 10pm as possible and I get up at 7am. EVERY DAY. Now, I have a PRN job where I fill in during the week and every other weekend. My regular job is M-F 8-5. My PRN job during the week is 6-10pm. So this week, on M W and F(today) I work 8-5 and THEN 6-10. My H gets mad at me when I ask him to leave me alone and let me go to sleep. If I don't *force* him to leave me alone he will keep me up half the night. ANd its not like conversation, its just him goofing off. While I appreciate his funniness, I have to sleep. It ends up making him angry every night and I just feel like it is a complete lack of respect for me. Esp when he goes on a rage when our dogs wake him up at NOON. What I wouldn't give to sleep till noon. Even on the days that I don't work until later, I am the one who gets up and lets the dogs out at 7am. I have come home at 2:30 in the afternoon after working an entire 8 hour shift at my 2nd job and he's not even up yet. Is this just wrong, or is it just me being over dramatic?  ?

[sotiredtoonice]

I have a question I would like opinions on. My recurring disagreement with BPDH. First a short back history. I work 2 jobs and suffer from migraines if I don't sleep right. I go to bed every night as close to 10pm as possible and I get up at 7am. EVERY DAY. Now, I have a PRN job where I fill in during the week and every other weekend. My regular job is M-F 8-5. My PRN job during the week is 6-10pm. So this week, on M W and F(today) I work 8-5 and THEN 6-10. My H gets mad at me when I ask him to leave me alone and let me go to sleep. If I don't *force* him to leave me alone he will keep me up half the night. ANd its not like conversation, its just him goofing off. While I appreciate his funniness, I have to sleep. It ends up making him angry every night and I just feel like it is a complete lack of respect for me. Esp when he goes on a rage when our dogs wake him up at NOON. What I wouldn't give to sleep till noon. Even on the days that I don't work until later, I am the one who gets up and lets the dogs out at 7am. I have come home at 2:30 in the afternoon after working an entire 8 hour shift at my 2nd job and he's not even up yet. Is this just wrong, or is it just me being over dramatic?  ?

[SWLSR]

The informatin is sketchy but in my opinion you have communication issue.  Talk it out but he may be missing quality time with you.  If that does not work then you may have an issue.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[sotiredtoonice]

Well when I try to tell him I need to sleep, he makes his little comments, "well whose fault is it you have to get up early?", "yeah I know, you gotta get up early and i dont". My thinking is if he actually wanted more time with me, he would get a job so I didn't have to work so much, but no, he doesn't even try to get a job.

[gred2012]

So he is unemployed?  If so, what is the reason for his unemployment and the circumstances surrounding it?

It seems like you all might have some communication issues just from the little info you gave.  I would try talking to him and explaining to him how you feel about the sleeping.  Maybe he feels sad of time missed with you?

I have gotten that from my BPD partner before when I was in the almost same situation while she was not working.  I wasn't around enough, but she completely ignored the fact taht I was working 2 jobs to keep a roof over our heads.

[sotiredtoonice]

well he is unemployed simply bc he can't get along with people and if a job isn't up to his "standards" he wont apply. Most jobs aren't up to his standard so he doesn't try to hard to get a job. He doesn't do anything to better himself in anyway. He could be self employed, just have to go out and get some business, but he doesn't do that either. When he mentions that I work 2 jobs, he does the quotation marks with his hands on the word "work" because I have 2 desk jobs, therefore that doesn't count as work in his mind. I can't get him to understand that my issues aren't from slaving away all day at a manual labor job, my issues with it are the fact that a lot of days I am away from home for 14 hours or so. Manual labor or not, work is tiring mentally at times and when I am at home I dont want to spend the 3 or 4 hours before bed cleaning a house that he has had all day to clean, I shouldn't have to.

[HardDaysNight]

sotired,
   It's not trivial, your not overreacting.  He knows you have this work schedule.  He should respect that, it's not like you chose these "odd" hours to spite him.

  In a positive way I can see someone wanting to hang out and joke, but when you say time for bed he should respect that and not get bent out of shape.  It's not like you are asking him to adopt you sleep schedule nor saying he can't do anything else while you get some sleep.

  I assume he can stay up and just with some considration not wake you up but still have fun, watch a movie, etc.

   

[LostinBPDland]

You are not overreacting. 

You are in a difficult spot for sure.  He is being disrespectful on so many levels.

How long is he going to be unemployed?  How long can you keep up the task of hold down 2 jobs while he does nothing?

I don't know.  This whole thing spells certain resentment at the very least.  I'm sure you are being as supportive as you can but doing what you are doing is really going over and above the call of duty for a spouse. 

A job is a job in this economy.  When the workload is split 50/50 it makes time together more enjoyable and precious. 

But I guess why would he get a job if you already have 2?

You are a Saint.  I wouldn't stand for that too long or you will lose yourself.

[sotiredtoonice]

Yes, once he finally leaves me alone he will go spend the rest of the night (and part of the AM) on the computer doing God knows what. And he usually doesn't do anything to wake me once he finally goes, its just the getting him to go away and let me sleep that is that hard part. It always makes him mad, which drives me nuts, because it shouldn't have to come to that. He doesn't sleep in the same room as me, so when I go to bed, don't come in there and as I like to say, "pester" me!

[sotiredtoonice]

Thank you lostinBPDland, I am glad someone sees it like I do. In all honesty its been this way for the past 7 years. I have almost always had 2 jobs, in one case I had 3, and he has managed to be employed for probably 1 year off and on. I do resent him for not trying harder, because I see it like you, a job is a job. So what if you gotta work at mcdonalds, its a paycheck. My 2nd job is by no means glamorous, I check people in at the ER while they puke on my desk or whatever. But, its a job, an easy job, so I do it. But alas, I am "normal"!

[chelle]

Sleep Deprivation is the practice of routinely interrupting, impeding or restricting another person's sleep cycle.
Description:
Depriving a member of the household of sleep is a common tactic used by emotional abusers because it has a profound effect on the emotional state of the victim while leaving almost no evidence that abuse has occurred.
Motivation for sleep deprivation may range from anger and a desire to make the victim feel some of the abusers pain or rage to a more manipulative form where the abuser calculates that they will have more control over the victim in a sleep-deprived state.


Examples:
•   Making excessive noise after bedtime.
•   Turning on lights after you have gone to bed.
•   Starting arguments or emotionally charged discussions at
bedtime or just before bedtime.
•   Hitting or bumping you intentionally when you are in bed.
•   Forcing you to sleep in a strange place or to share a bed with an abuser.
 
Please do not quit your extra job.  My husband was Unemployed and/or underemployed since I knew him and yet he made me feel guilty for having a full time and part-time job (non glamorous cake decorating a few nights a week at a supermarket).  He always made me feel guilty and I quit.  Money got tighter (for me – had no effect on him) I was always chasing my bills and you know what?  He didn’t spend any of that extra time I suddenly had with me, he wasn’t even home when I was and when I did see him he was on the computer playing games.  When I complained that I didn’t have extra money I used to he’d say in an huffy tone, “ Well, you shouldn’t of quit – who’s fault was that?”

We had the longest courtship in history.  He claimed he was looking for a job but *SURPRISE*  Nothing was ever good enough (sense of entitlement maybe).  If he worked retail it would be like starting over so all of those jobs were out of the question.  I didn’t care what job I worked - like you, the money was just as green and I had bills to pay.  When I went for interviews he would tell me “you’ll never get it”  “don’t bother”  “they never hire outside the company”  Nice guy huh?

He was insidious and always tried to get me to quit full time jobs too,  with guilt, manipulation and oh, yeah I remember the childish acts of sleep deprivation.  Sometimes joking, sometimes just saying a few mean things that would keep me up but not an all out argument.  And oops, making loud noises ooops.

Stick to your guns.  I wish someone had told me to because in the end it’s just another control issue, another way to smack you down so they feel better about themselves.

Take care,
Chelle

[1brokenwing]

It is NOT trivial, you are NOT being dramatic.  Sleep deprivation is no joke and with you working as many hours as you do? Jeezuz!  I know you post on the undecided board but you are a frikking saint for staying!  He sounds selfish squared! You deserve so much better.  I hope you come to know that and at the least begin to set some boundaries around the issue!  I disagree its a communication issue. What is there to communicate?  It is only OBVIOUS you work day and night and need some sleep! For now, like I said, you are a frikking saint!

[sotiredtoonice]

Thanks for all of your replies, you know how it is sometimes when you start wondering who is right. I just needed some reassurance I guess.

chelle your post is very helpful. He belittles my efforts every chance he gets. At my primary job, I have gotten employee of the month, which comes with a small "bonus" of sorts. Any time I get it, he informs me that I only got it because my employer knows he is unemployed and they feel sorry for me.  I have no intentions of quitting my 2nd job and even though I am really only PRN, he gets really ugly when people quit and I have to pick up the slack. But like yours, he isn't concerned with the bills and when money gets tight, its really only tight for me. He saw the balance in the checking acct the other day and said, "thats it?"... How much did he expect to be in there? I found it quite funny.

1brokenwing, thanks for your kind words. I feel I am no where near a saint, I see it as a flaw. I have no backbone. One day, though I will. He doesn't care about the number of hours I work, all he cares about it what I dont know when I am at home. Typical I guess, anything to make themselves feel better. But thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it!

[hithere]

sotiredtoonice wow, that whole story is very upsetting...how do you put up with it.  I see you are posting on the undecided board.  Why would you stay with a person like that?

[sotiredtoonice]

Hithere, I just haven't found the stregnth yet. Leaving takes a lot out of you emotionally and I am not sure I can go through it yet. I am not much of a fighter and I know leaving will take one hell of a fight. I have tried twice, but backed down both times when pressured to explain. I can feel things changing for me, though so I know its only a matter of time. Lucky for me there are no kids to make it worse, my son is my son.  I guess the hardest part for me is the FOG. I feel like if I leave him he will be left alone with no money, no job, no friends, I feel that is my responsibility, even though I know its not. I know he loves me, I just hate having to hurt people. I guess in some ways i would just rather suffer so he doesn't have to. I am very strange like that. It took a lot for me to leave my first H and he didn't have a PD!

[HardDaysNight]

Thanks for all of your replies, you know how it is sometimes when you start wondering who is right. I just needed some reassurance I guess.

Rest assured you are right for wantting and needing to get sleep.
I forgot about the whole sleep deprivation thing.   The list above is good as I have experienced that myself from BPD/npd wife.  So bad that I sleep in another room most nights.

He belittles my efforts every chance he gets. At my primary job, I have gotten employee of the month, which comes with a small "bonus" of sorts. Any time I get it, he informs me that I only got it because my employer knows he is unemployed and they feel sorry for me. 

Wow! So self centered on his part...not surprised.  Good lord even if the president of your company called him personally to tell him this only a person with their head up there you know what would say so.  
You are not alone in this, the pwBPD/npd in my life needs to rain on any parade or good day, and attempt to take credit for anything good if she can't belittle and dismiss it.  Debbie Downer has nothing on a pwBPD.

It may not help but the can you think the more he needs to belittle it, the more it is a great accomplishment on your part?  This sseems to be the strong correlation in my case.

I feel I am no where near a saint, I see it as a flaw. I have no backbone. One day, though I will. He doesn't care about the number of hours I work, all he cares about it what I dont know when I am at home. Typical I guess, anything to make themselves feel better. But thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate it!

sotired, you're humble as well.  You are a saint in my book.

[hithere]

I know he loves me, I just hate having to hurt people. I guess in some ways i would just rather suffer so he doesn't have to

In whatever way he loves you it is not a healthy way.  I think he is suffering already, it is like he is stuck in an angry teenager phase.

It also took me a long-time to leave but I was concerned with my happiness and my childrens happiness and realized I could not battle an invisible enemy.

I know it is hard but staying in your situation must be crazy stressful for you.  What happens in the future if your health fails because of this relationship?  Will he be there for you?  What happens if you need time off work?

How old is your son?  Does he live with the two of you?

[gred2012]

Ok after you got more in depth about this I can see more of where you are coming from.

First, I want to tell you that how you feel is never "trivial".  You need to remember that you have feelings too, even if your SO doesn't agree with them or have any interest in them.

I have to say that whether you work manual labor or just 2 desk jobs, both are demanding in a number of ways (I have done both).

I would take a real issue with him doing the quotation thing around work like you said.  That is amazingly disrespectful and you shouldn’t let him get you down. You deserve respect!

Good luck!

[sotiredtoonice]

I am very proud of my primary job, not only do I love it, but I am respected for being good at my job. He has used the fact that his wife works at "enter employer here" to his benefit on multiple occasions, but in a rage he always down plays it as some crappy job.

My son is 13 and has seen H rage a couple times, which I hate because I don't want my kid seeing that. My son lives with his dad luckily so he doesn't see the bulk of it. I have noticed that when my son is at the house, though he will find anything to "get on to" my son about. The one example that comes to mind is recently he got on to him for sitting on a throw pillow... 2 days later, guess who was sitting on a throw pillow. I just laughed when I saw him sitting on it and didn't say a word. Saturday before last was a real eye opener though. My son was outside when he raged at me, and I don't really know if he heard any of it. Having to explain to my son what we might encounter when we got back home was unreal. I have never wanted to be in that position much less have my son in it. Funny thing was, when we got home, he asked me if my son heard it.

Here is another question for those of you reading this thread. I would like to hear how those of you have left brought it up. I know most of the time the BPD person leaves, but hopefully some of you have dont the kicking out and can relay your experiences.

Thanks!

[gina louise]

sotiredtoonice-
when you mentioned your son possibly hearing the rage episode it brought back the time that my BPDH went around the house very calmly closing all the doors and windows right before launching into me with all the violence he could muster. it was a coldly calculating move on his part. Chilling.
And his ex wife cautioned me to never EVER let him go *off* if the kids were around.(at the time I had NO idea!)
he has never lost it when the kids were over...strange huh?
So he CAN regulate his reactions somewhat...when there's more at stake.


When I recently brought up the concept of ME leaving, he was in a calm mood and I suspect he has something (one) on the side at his new job...so he was completely unfazed by the idea.
I am disposable-even if we are married. Married doesn't mean all that much to him, apparently.
LOL and now he's texting me to go out to dinner this weekend! WTH?
Maybe he will find a way to dump me first?

[sotiredtoonice]

If only we were lucky enough to get dumped first.  I was just thinking earlier the next time he says, "you know where the courthouse is" (he thinks you can just walk into the court house, sign a paper and your div) I am going to say, I sure do, why don't you go ahead and leave...