Reinforcing(good) BPD behavior...

[Think About It...]

I have talked with my BPDh about individual counseling (DBT actually), emotional dysregulation and how strained a relationship can be (anger and stress of BPD) made MORE strained by the rampant emotional outbursts. I have set CLEAR boundaries that he is respecting. I am more relaxed around him, he seems to be more relaxed around me.

He is initiating hugs and kisses with me...I will warmly reinforce that and not pressure him or panic him with intimacy that he doesn't initiate.

A BIG issue for me is his computer gaming addiction; he can spend 4-12 hr/day on it. Lately, I just leave the room and work on my writing and have computer time alone. I want him to see that I am NOT sitting around waiting for him to spend time with me. He makes comments to our puppy or my son like "mom is mad at me for being on the computer", etc. Knowing that I will NOT tell him so, I just reply, "I didn't say that".

The past two days, he has spent more time with me in the morning and evenings at the kitchen table and we take our coffee into the family room and talk. I watch the evening news with him and when I am tired and go to bed... he kisses me goodnight AND THEN he gets on the computer. I have chosen NOT to reinforce the "bad" behavior  by boundaries and "saying NO" to his rages where a circular argument leads NO WHERE. I am working on reinforcing the good behavior by my acceptance and showing that I am happy to be with him.

I really do love this man, he looks like a hurt child at times, so afraid of "being hurt again" by ME of all people. I am realizing that in relaxing and "not letting anything spook me", I can remain grounded, see a time of dysregulation coming and get out of the way. It feels like I am taking baby steps but at least I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells with him. 
 

[real lady]

I have talked with my BPDh about individual counseling (DBT actually), emotional dysregulation and how strained a relationship can be (anger and stress of BPD) made MORE strained by the rampant emotional outbursts. I have set CLEAR boundaries that he is respecting. I am more relaxed around him, he seems to be more relaxed around me.

He is initiating hugs and kisses with me...I will warmly reinforce that and not pressure him or panic him with intimacy that he doesn't initiate.

A BIG issue for me is his computer gaming addiction; he can spend 4-12 hr/day on it. Lately, I just leave the room and work on my writing and have computer time alone. I want him to see that I am NOT sitting around waiting for him to spend time with me. He makes comments to our puppy or my son like "mom is mad at me for being on the computer", etc. Knowing that I will NOT tell him so, I just reply, "I didn't say that".

The past two days, he has spent more time with me in the morning and evenings at the kitchen table and we take our coffee into the family room and talk. I watch the evening news with him and when I am tired and go to bed... he kisses me goodnight AND THEN he gets on the computer. I have chosen NOT to reinforce the "bad" behavior  by boundaries and "saying NO" to his rages where a circular argument leads NO WHERE. I am working on reinforcing the good behavior by my acceptance and showing that I am happy to be with him.

I really do love this man, he looks like a hurt child at times, so afraid of "being hurt again" by ME of all people. I am realizing that in relaxing and "not letting anything spook me", I can remain grounded, see a time of dysregulation coming and get out of the way. It feels like I am taking baby steps but at least I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells with him. 
 

[bobbyc]

Look at all this effort your putting into being around someone who doesn't care about you, reading this shows me how lucky I am to have gotten emotionally detached and even tho I still see her I'm getting happier and happier by the day

[Steph]

Look at all this effort your putting into being around someone who doesn't care about you, reading this shows me how lucky I am to have gotten emotionally detached and even tho I still see her I'm getting happier and happier by the day

 Ahh, but her husband loves her very much.

BPD is a mental illness of intimacy..meaning that the closer the relationship, the more problematic the person with BPD is going to have with it..thats the good news/bad news.

  RL, I am glad to see that you are mastering the art of "taking a step back" from this stuff and seeing his stuff as symptoms. While it can hurt, it doesnt need to be as painful if we are taking it all in and making it personal.

 How did he respond when you talked about DBT?


Steph

[real lady]

Look at all this effort your putting into being around someone who doesn't care about you, reading this shows me how lucky I am to have gotten emotionally detached and even tho I still see her I'm getting happier and happier by the day

I am glad that you are happy now that  you detached from someone who obviously did not care about you.

Ahh, but her husband loves her very much.

seriously? is that sarcasm?

BPD is a mental illness of intimacy..meaning that the closer the relationship, the more problematic the person with BPD is going to have with it..thats the good news/bad news.

I am really aware of this...I think he is starting to see it too...

  RL, I am glad to see that you are mastering the art of "taking a step back" from this stuff and seeing his stuff as symptoms. While it can hurt, it doesnt need to be as painful if we are taking it all in and making it personal.

Thanks; I feel that I am getting a much better picture and my role in it. I am NOT leaving him, it is not going to happen...I know how hard it is to deal with a BPD but I have given up a job, home and life to spend my life with him. this is going to work...thankn

How did he respond when you talked about DBT?

Well, he responded in a way that a SMALL percentage of the population; as he is used to being part of due to his intelligent and success, he reacted in a way that it did not seem that he thought that I was either calling him "ill or crazy". He seemed to agree that HE gets angry but that I do not MAKE him so angry; that is an ESCALATION of his emotions that he could have more control over.

[Steph]

 Not sarcasm at all! BPD is a disorder that manifests itself in relationships. He loves you the best he is capable of..it doesnt show in healthy ways, but love he does. And he is terrified of abandonment. Thats what makes this stuff  so challenging.

  Is he willing to learn some techniques that might help him feel better and be in control of his anger, despite what others do? It IS possible.


Now..to you. You say you gave up a home, a life and a job to be with him. I think it makes sense for you to get a life where you are, now. How about a job, friends, a space of your own..like a room, or favorite park, etc? Giving it all up as you did does NOT mean this is going to work. Thats magical thinking..On the other hand, taking care of you, getting a life for yourself and not sinking everything you have to be with him makes a ton of sense AND its good for you, him and the marriage. Dont be afraid to claim life for you, too.

When we feel that we give and give and give and that means things are going to work out, we are looking at life thru codependant glasses. Working on that will help you alot, too AND keep some of the craziness away from your house. Win-win!

Steph

[real lady]

Is he willing to learn some techniques that might help him feel better and be in control of his anger, despite what others do? It IS possible.

By the way that he has respected my boundaries as BEING FOR ME, I think that he is opening up to ideas that would HELP HIM feel better.

Now..to you. You say you gave up a home, a life and a job to be with him. I think it makes sense for you to get a life where you are, now. How about a job, friends, a space of your own..like a room, or favorite park, etc?

Good thoughts; I worked full time for many years, was more of a single parent until we relocated. I had social and musical outlets that are no longer available to me for one reason or another.

OH, I may have given up my life as I knew it but I have a NEW life that I still do need to incorporate a few things BACK into...apart from that I have a very rich life alone.    I have my own computer and go to a coffee shop and sit and write...I have free time and can do "what I want" with my life more than ever before plus I get to love and be with the two men I love the most along with our pets...I stay in touch with friends that I had for years; making a few new friends...been busy with family,etc...

Giving it all up as you did does NOT mean this is going to work.

LEAVING the life that I had means that I would NOT be going back to it; no matter what. We want to "make this work" not because I left everything but because THIS is my life now...I can see where he waffles between wanting intimacy and fearing it and then abandonment. I even told him this TODAY. I told him that even reassuring him of my commitment and love to him may cause him to panic, evidence that emotionally, he FEELS things differently and has more pain than most people. He just listened and seemed to be OK with that...he is very intelligent; gathers nonverbal and verbal information quickly and processes it; one "miswording" of a statement can cause some dyregulation on his part. He is very much a thinker and "feeler" as most BPD are but may not really want to be.

I am now carefully watching for dysregulation and looking for ways that I can VALIDATE him before hand so I don't have to set boundaries to defuse the dysregulation on the "back side" of things. 

With BPDs, an "ounce of prevention (truly is) worth a POUND of cure"...

[KateCat]

real lady,

Could you take a couple of days to consider the wisdom of this thought?

You say you gave up a home, a life and a job to be with him. I think it makes sense for you to get a life where you are, now. How about a job, friends, a space of your own..like a room, or favorite park, etc? Giving it all up as you did does NOT mean this is going to work. Thats magical thinking..On the other hand, taking care of you, getting a life for yourself and not sinking everything you have to be with him makes a ton of sense AND its good for you, him and the marriage. Dont be afraid to claim life for you, too.

When we feel that we give and give and give and that means things are going to work out, we are looking at life thru codependant glasses. Working on that will help you alot, too AND keep some of the craziness away from your house. Win-win!

If your new husband was your first love, no wonder you have a lot invested in a happy ending to this tale. But I was a little worried reading, earlier, that you are literally writing it out in a memoir, right? I think Steph has it exactly right: the two of you have a much better chance of lasting as a couple if neither one feels too much pressure. And if this is a third marriage for both of you (and maybe I'm mistaken in thinking it is), then Steph's advice may be even more essential to success. This could be a great learning experience for both of you at this stage of mid-life.

[LoveNotWar]

I also left a life I enjoyed very much to move cross country to be with and marry my h. I was lucky cause my d/and family also came a year later and re-located so I do have some family here but I don't "lean" on my d. I'm her mom and her rock!

Fortunately I have made a good friend in my new home. I was sharing/confiding in her  and she said she understood why I was committed to staying with a spouse with emotional problems. She said "I know ...loves you."

I had to absorb that.

I do care about my h and feel a commitment to this r/s but it's been several weeks/months since I've allowed myself to think of love. I've thought about survival, supporting him, keeping myself safe and learning how not to make things worse but haven't given love a lot of thought.

Just hearing a friend say she knew my h loves me made me happy! 

[united for now]

Water the flowers and pull the weeds 

Yes, rewarding positive behavior works, esp if it is genuine.

Ignoring poor choices works too, just be aware that there may be an extinction burst mixed in when you don't respond as he expects.

[mike sergent]

i truly hope things work out for you two. it does my heart good to see something nearing happiness. i hope it works out for me too.

[real lady]

Thanks Kate...you are correct; thanks for "doing the homework" on my situation...I think we both feel pressure to NOT GIVE UP this time, we have chosen "NEVER AGAIN" as our motto regarding recycling/breaking up. We are MUCH happier together; it is the fear of intimacy/abandonment that is being brought to the surface and we are talking about it and so we are "bearing the load together" without pinning blame or burdening each other with our "own stuff"...
@LNW --It is nice not only to KNOW that we are loved but to feel it; I believe that my Love shows me in the ways that are more comfortable for him and I am helping him to become aware that there are ways that I FEEL his love that he can "challenge" himself to meet. 

Water the flowers and pull the weeds 
Yes, rewarding positive behavior works, esp if it is genuine.
Ignoring poor choices works too, just be aware that there may be an extinction burst mixed in when you don't respond as he expects.

I am already seeing and trying to sidestep as I see it or keep boundaries as needed.

Hi Mike: Thanks so much; we REALLY DO have a great relationship; the closer we get the more I see and I believe he does too, that he is pulling back or feeling fear...he is "listening" when I share with him how I feel about "things in general" and give him words that are affirming without being too "pushy"...He is responding in many ways so I do feel very hopeful. Keep reading the lessons, get to a good and healthy place for yourself and "work the program"...you can do it...

[an0ught]

Real lady,

good to hear you are making progress. Promoting healthy (not always the same as good==liked by us) behavior is very important. Deepening communication and building up a buffer of validating exchanges is healing the relationship and making it more robust against future disturbances.

It is wise not to directly tackle his behavior (computer gaming) from your vantage point as this would be invalidating, controlling and most likely take away one of his coping tools. Who knows what other coping tool he would switch to?

But on the other hand boundaries are important for you to feel secure and consistency is paramount  for boundaries to avoid sending mixed signals. Boundaries are also critical for his own emotional regulation so you are not doing anyone a favor by being soft. Boundaries are about your own core needs and values - don't neglect them!

There is of course a lot of unhealthy behavior that does not cross your boundaries where he could do better. It is a balancing act here to help and offer advice and pushing too much, considering that he is likely very sensitive. Often it is best to focus on ourselves and only sometime give targeted feedback with SET and DEARMAN.