Are you hurting?

[Think About It...]

Many of us are struggling to reconnect with our partners, due to all the hurt we've experienced.

What if our partners are struggling with the same problems?

What if they fear becoming vulnerable "with US" due to being hurt by us?

Offering them compassion and empathy is the first step.
As they feel safer and more secure in not being hurt, that is where they will begin to offer us what we need. This second step will take time to bloom.  Wish it happened as quickly as we want. It won't. Trust is fragile, and our partners take longer than normal to de-escalate.

Now compassion and empathy needs to be also aimed at ourselves. We should never sit through abuse in an effort to show our partners empathy. We have to respect out own values in keeping ourselves safe. We can't sacrifice ourselves in the effort.

UFN, you really put this in a nutshell. Even when they are trying to act like they aren't hurting or scared, it can be obvious if you know them and have observed them over an extended period of time. Compassion is never a bad idea for either of us.

[Marvin Martian]

Many of us are struggling to reconnect with our partners, due to all the hurt we've experienced.

What if our partners are struggling with the same problems?

What if they fear becoming vulnerable "with US" due to being hurt by us?

Offering them compassion and empathy is the first step.
As they feel safer and more secure in not being hurt, that is where they will begin to offer us what we need. This second step will take time to bloom.  Wish it happened as quickly as we want. It won't. Trust is fragile, and our partners take longer than normal to de-escalate.

Now compassion and empathy needs to be also aimed at ourselves. We should never sit through abuse in an effort to show our partners empathy. We have to respect out own values in keeping ourselves safe. We can't sacrifice ourselves in the effort.

UFN, you really put this in a nutshell. Even when they are trying to act like they aren't hurting or scared, it can be obvious if you know them and have observed them over an extended period of time. Compassion is never a bad idea for either of us.

[iluminati]

I like this because this focuses on the one person we can control: ourselves.  I will say two things in addition to this.  One is that we need to stop looking to our partners to meet all of our needs.  It's a bad thing to do in any sort of relationship, even with someone emotionally healthy, and that goes double for someone mentally ill.  I see so many people on the board relying on their partners for so much, then acting surprised that they can't do it.  I think the vast majority of people would agree that man can't fly.  Would you ask someone in a wheelchair to fly?  Think about that.

The other is that we have to recognize the limits of our partners and come to grips with whether this is acceptable to us.  It may or may not be.  Everyone has their own standards.  However, you have to apply your standards and BE WILLING TO ACCEPT THEM.  There's no point in asking someone to do something for you they couldn't ever do.

[SmileAnyway]

I heard this illustration recently:

Airliner.  One wing torn off. Pilot landed aircraft all the same.
How much energy did the pilot expend in cursing the absent wing? None.
All the pilots energies were shifted into making the machine fly and land regardless of the disability.

Whilst pain is inevitable in a r/s with a pwBPD, choosing to suffer is something else.
Focusing too much on what is broke and not enough on what could help fix will only cause further disappointment, pain and anguish.

As illuminati put it, we need to look to ourselves as our source of happiness... Success etc.

Focusing on any other mortal as our reason to live and love will lead to trouble, even more so when that person is mentally unwell.

Recognising the mental ill health reminds us that their reaction times are all messed up.  Since we are also dazed from the roller coaster ride, there are few occasions where we enjoy being in sync with our partner... All the more reason to consider thes helpful tools UfN presents.

[Jay_C]

The problem is no matter how many times you forgive, 100 or 1000 there will alway be a next time and I think that is what broke me down.

This is what keeps me up nights.  I know that no matter how much empathy I develop, how much love I show, how awesome she is TONIGHT--there will be a tomorrow and on that day she will want me to leave the state, leave the country or leave the planet.  All the while she will be leaving her options open.  Today I am the one she loves; tomorrow I will be the scourge of her life.

Nothing I do seems to change that...and as said here, it really wears me down.

But I love her, so I stay.  I truly don't know what else to do.

[mike sergent]

it seems i share a common thread with just about everybody. i found out about my ubdfw just a few short months ago and it opened my eyes. what has worked  best so far for me is distraction to cool things off. better yet is SET when i can. when it gets too hot i leave the area but tell her why and returning later.