No Contact Experiences

[Think About It...]

We have all been tempted to break no contact - whether we contact them or they contact us, no matter as once someone engages, we open up the dysfunctional dance.

Without enough time to fully detach, contact will push our buttons - big time.

What did you learn about yourself in your No Contact experience?

For me, I relearned to trust myself.  Not giving into strong emotions, following my rational brain instead - showed me I was capable again of making good choices for me.  The cycle of the BPD relationship tends to leave us in a FOG - and we make decisions based on a reaction in the moment - not decisions based on rational thought for our greater good.  No Contact allowed me to know that I was capable of trusting ME again 

What did you learn about yourself in your No Contact experience?

[seeking balance]

We have all been tempted to break no contact - whether we contact them or they contact us, no matter as once someone engages, we open up the dysfunctional dance.

Without enough time to fully detach, contact will push our buttons - big time.

What did you learn about yourself in your No Contact experience?

For me, I relearned to trust myself.  Not giving into strong emotions, following my rational brain instead - showed me I was capable again of making good choices for me.  The cycle of the BPD relationship tends to leave us in a FOG - and we make decisions based on a reaction in the moment - not decisions based on rational thought for our greater good.  No Contact allowed me to know that I was capable of trusting ME again 

What did you learn about yourself in your No Contact experience?

[turtle]

I learned that I was seeking approval, validation, etc. from someone who was completely incapable of offering anything but eventual pain and anguish. Crazyx was not capable of offering these things when we were together, so it was futile to expect he would offer those things when we were apart.

If a stranger attacked me on the street, and left me bleeding on the side of the road, there's no way I would then turn to my attacker for comfort.  I finally realized that this is exactly what I was doing with crazyx.  I did not deserve to be treated with such disdain, yet I kept allowing that to happen. I learned I needed to take care of myself by having better boundaries in place! 

turtle

[knaloneor]

I've had two contact experiences after the final departure, so far. The first she initiated to complain about the way I was parenting our daughter. The second I initiated to nail down some divorce parameters. Both times, within three or four sentences, she was bringing down the pain, dropping emotional bombs, starting the dance up again. Both times I was saved by planning before hand just what I would say should the contact arise. Play acting, learning my lines so to say. When she called me I was surprised, it had been NC for over six weeks at that point and I figured I wasn't going to hear from her at all. Still, I had planned to the extent that I had even written down a response to use. So when she started the grind I fell back on my prepared statements and ended the conversation politely but with determination. The second time I called her to confirm her decisions regarding the divorce but she immediately started in on the game and I learned only that my automatic responses worked well, again. I shut down the conversation politely but with no uncertainty.
NC works. If you must have contact than a script is quite a saving device in order to avoid the entanglement the BPD so desperately wants.

[hithere]

Great post turtle...I am going though this now and I need to maintain NC but it is very difficult.  I know she is dating and probably sleeping with others but and I know we have no future and I know if we did have any future it would be torture but part of me still craves her.  Oh well, each new day is a new day to start NC :-)  At least I left and have that protection.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[seeking balance]

thanks for posting hithere & knaloneor!

As you are in the early process of NC - try to focus on what you are experiencing, what you are learning; not what ex is doing or not doing.

This is one of your greatest learning opportunities...the silver lining...

[Dub 1]

Hi

I have learned so much about myself since we legally spit last Aug 2011.I have staye nc only communicated to a UK court agreeing to divorce.I can see how being a gentle kind soul was used against me & the mindgames she played.Also how simple it is to say I love you but have another agenda.

I am working with my T to learn new behaviours for myself.So that I may not let this happen again.In keeping nc I have still thought of what she is doing,is she in love with my replacement.As they are engaged , will they get married.

I know this is not my concern , but sometimes I feel sad at the loss of my M.

Blessings

[seeking balance]

I know this is not my concern , but sometimes I feel sad at the loss of my M.

yeah, there are times that I feel sad at the loss still too.  Our love was real and doesn't just disappear.  Sad is normal and healthy part of acceptance.  Thanks for sharing Dub

[nonbpd]

Pffff! NC is hard. It has been 3 months of NC and it feels like more than half a year! I do admit it is faaaar better then being in contact. I let go bit by bit. First I have blocked him everywhere and changed my phone number. Than, gradualy deleted his friends from my fb list and stoped talking to them. I am still checking him on the dating sites, peeking at his fb (blocked him and made a new account to peek, but don't have the posibility to see much) but that's all. That is just my way to not be to agressive to myself, but I know I have to let this to go eventually.
I wish so much I would not obsess on the thought of him. I miss him and usually my pain is related to the fact that I cannot change being in a relationship with an ill man (stupid, I know). Sometimes I felt like I accepted it, but seems I cannot let go of the fact I let myself be dragged into this hell. I thought I was wiser.
I feel like I am doing the "technical" stuff of NC but the emotions are still strong. I am tired of obsessing. I am not talking to him, going out a lot with my friends, do new stuff, dating, etc, but something is still keeping me hooked. It is like I am haunted, possessed. I want him exorcized of my mind and body! I know I am doing better but this thoughts are keeping me from studying and this will really affect my school ( doing my PHD). Instead of reading for school I lose all the time reading about BPD on forums or other sites.
I know there is no magic formula and I am hanging in there. I've learned to ignore my emotions and to listen to my head, but I feel this kills who I am slowly. It is changing me into someone cold, I am doing everything to kill my soul and become a robot. The healing process I feel makes me someone who's empty. I cannot be there for people who need me, if they have problems now, because I have an automatic instinct of rejecting interpersonal problems, perceiving it as drama. It is maybe a PSD that doesn't allow me to be human with people around me. I became superficial, just want to have fun, have superficial relationships with all the people I get into contact with, even with my family and old friends!
I am such a logical person, and the fact that I cannot make logic out of what happened, that I did not and will never have a logical discussion with the only person who could explain what was real and what wasn't leaves me with empty spaces in my life in my almost two years of relationship.
I have read so much, and understand almost instinctively how they react, in general, but when I try to apply it to him...my mind reacts like almost doesn't want to believe he has this problem to.
Oh well, time will make it better. I am just afraid that this experience did not change me thought into someone I do not like!
God belss!

[seeking balance]

Thanks for sharing nonBPD

It is tough, the hamster wheel is always running.  I found a couple things help (you might already be doing them) exercise, therapy for myself to focus on my core stuff and meditation.

Good job staying NC - it will get better, and contacting him won't stop the hamster wheel for long.

[krax]

I've been NC for 6 months. Today was a bad day however. I saw her right next to my car today. First time I've seen her in 8 whole months! I feel like sht atm, but I still maintain and I wont budge. As the first poster said, I've learned to trust ME again. I know I can commit to something and then fully stay the course. In the past few months I've really been getting into fitness and lifting weigts, something I've always liked but haven't had the full motivation for or had a hard time getting fully commited. And it really makes me feel great. I made a silent promise to myself, If I somehow break NC im not worthy of being fully commited to something else (working out in this case) and it will all fall apart. And the same other way around, if I give up my training like I've done before I could just aswell contact her too as im not worthy of feeling alright without her in my life.

It works great for me. I fully believe that this time I wont let myself down in ANY way. I've learned that I really can commit to something if I really want to.

[ellil]

I like this thread/question.

The biggest thing I learned from NC (coupled with not becoming involved in another r/s) is that I am a happy, peaceful and fulfilled person without sharing it with a romantic partner. I don't have to have a guy on my arm for me to enjoy my life. (That's not to say I wouldn't want one though.)

M

[Faded]

Before NC its so hard vision the positives.

Now im well into NC (10months) im able see much clearer, feel much clearer, think much clearer.

Being able to see clearly the situation that ive been entwined into has enabled me to see the positives for myself in going NC. It has also enabled me to have my own boundaries again which in a sense is giving me back to myself.

Being able to feel much clearer im able give myself love, care for myself, be positive with myself and my emotions. Just being able to feel emotions for what they are and understand them is a blessing.


Being able to think clearer makes me the rational person i was before all this trauma. Im much more able to make rational decisions for myself and my surroundings.


All this is making me feel much more whole again, making me more attractive to friends and future friends, work collegues, family etc. Is making me more sociable, a little more cocky and confident.
It gives me the knowledge that i already have the strength to do what i need to do or want to do with my life and that i have the knowledge to make rational decisions in most parts of my life and any part i struggle to find a solution to i will not be afraid to ever ask for help no matter how big or small the problem.
Anything i can do for me to help me be a better person than i am already then ill be open eared and listen. That said this process has also helped me to listen more to others and their plights in life, ive learnt a lot by listening to not only others but also myself.

NC is and was the only way i could recover from this trauma, there was no other way but i can only see that now i am deep inside NC.

I initially went NC for my own needs and not for any other reason.
I didnt want to her to come running back, i didnt want apologies, she is married with 2 other children so why would i want that for myself or our child?
I wouldnt so NC was for me.


One of the important things NC has also taught me was closure.  

We all, including myself search for closure from the ex but i think if an ex could offer us any closure we required then what knowledge would we request from them to give us full closure? If you have an ex that can give you complete closure then i bow down to you and your ex.

Closure for me came by way of me closing the matter, me closing that chapter in my life. That was my closure, NC.

My way of saying, Thanks but no thanks, im good to go, im gone, take care, goodbye - however you want to word it.


You could view NC as a locked box which is full of all your love, happiness, future, forfillment, joy and wonders to life etc and without working out lifes code to get into that box you will struggle to find those parts of you again and only YOU can open that box, that is the rule.

  bit of a rant but im truly enjoying my self exploration at the moment  

[MirrorProof]

i learned that i was alone while building a life for myself and her, in 5 years or so she only cooked maybe 4-5 times and cleaned about 10

i learned i was completely naive

[sea5045]

If a stranger attacked me on the street, and left me bleeding on the side of the road, there's no way I would then turn to my attacker for comfort.  I finally realized that this is exactly what I was doing with crazyx.  I did not deserve to be treated with such disdain, yet I kept allowing that to happen. I learned I needed to take care of myself by having better boundaries in place! 

WOW...yes I have learned this as well that I need to be careful of giving my emotional well being to someone who does not have the ability to emotionally support me.  Maintaining no contact taught me that I do have interests, that I can decorate, get to Home Depot, attend to my life. That I problem solve by thinking through things and it takes me a couple of days, but it is my style.

Her style was to do things reactively, and always rush into it and made me feel anxious, inept. And she would communicate that to people, that I didn't want to do anything, that I never did anything around the house.

So no contact also taught me I can trust myself again as well. That I am ABLE...

[sea5045]

FADED what an awesome rant, I have learned so much as well. When I saw her twice over Easter weekend it took me out of that beautiful inner world I've been developing and I was upset and out of touch with myself for two days. I am back inside of my inner world again now, and really guard that part of me.

Thanks for sharing. Sea

[GreenMango]

@Sea

If a stranger attacked me on the street, and left me bleeding on the side of the road, there's no way I would then turn to my attacker for comfort. 

This is a very good point and a revealing way to look at it.

[Faded]

@Sea

If a stranger attacked me on the street, and left me bleeding on the side of the road, there's no way I would then turn to my attacker for comfort. 

This is a very good point and a revealing way to look at it.

It is a good point and got me thinking a bit deeper into it...

Lets take 2 time periods and 1 scenario with 2 different people at forfront of each scenario.



1. How would you react to a complete stranger verbally abusing you in the street. i.e. she/he thinks you spoke about him/her behind his/her back and laughed so she/he turned round and got incredibly abusive towards and maybe tried to start a fight with you?

How would you handle that situation now?
How would you of handled that situation in your 20s or teens if your in your 20s?



2. How would you react to someone your in a relationship with, someone you deeply care about and loved, someone you maybe started a family with, someone you invested in highly after much time within the r/s verbally abusing you in the street. i.e. she/he thinks you spoke about him/her behind his/her back and laughed so she/he turned round and got incredibly abusive towards and maybe tried to start a fight with you?

How would you handle that situation now?
How would you of handled that situation in your 20s or teens if your in your 20s?

[C12P21]

I totally blew N/C the first three months out of the relationship..it was a nightmare and I was a mess. I kept thinking I needed to heal him, figure it out for the both of us,  try to talk about what happened..
Then he threatened me. Whew, what an eye opener that this person was capable of hurting me (as if the nasty, vile, abusive way he treated me the last few weeks of the r/s wasn't enough)?
I have not contacted him once with the exception of a legal issue, I wrote a note, nothing personal just the details.
Since then I have received phone calls and hang ups, poems, and a few drive bys. Over the Easter holiday, he parked his car right next to mine at the store. I was leaving and he was coming in.
I walked past him without a glance. I hadn't seen him in over two years.
The only emotion I felt was frustrated because he didn't need to park next to me; I thought his behavior is typical of his disorder. And then not another thought about it..
N/C is about healing oneself, although in the beginning it is a challenge because there are so many unanswered questions about what went wrong..and then you realize it is really about what went right. He was someone I genuinely cared about and loved but he was disordered and I needed to figure somethings out, too. It was not a love story.
C

[sea5045]

closure then i bow down to you and your ex.

Closure for me came by way of me closing the matter, me closing that chapter in my life. That was my closure, NC.

My way of saying, Thanks but no thanks, im good to go, im gone, take care, goodbye - however you want to word it.


You could view NC as a locked box which is full of all your love, happiness, future, forfillment, joy and wonders to life etc and without working out lifes code to get into that box you will struggle to find those parts of you again and only YOU can open that box, that is the rule.

 I think that my closure has come from the process of letting her go to be the person she wants to be...disordered, detached, not in connection with people, focusing on people with their own disorders and alcohol problems.  So much of my energy before she moved was focused on her emotional well being, and she's doing well working in a office job with numbers rather than teaching, staying detached from all of our friends and hanging out in bars when she visits. I had to accept that what I wanted for her and us was not her dream any longer. I did get closure last week somewhat when I saw her the first time, and it still hurt me, because being left and discarded was so painful, it just stirred it up. I'm happy I had my own closure before I experienced the pseudo closure. Back to my sacred place inside my own self. Sea

[sea5045]

That's what NC did for me, it led me back to the sacred space within my self, the calm, the pretty, the caring, the funny. Yep I just figured it out more clearly.  Thanks everyone for going through this process with me. Sea