No Contact Experiences

[Think About It...]

For me NC has been tough.  I want it but her terminal illness has her family calling me to go and do things for her that she won't do herself and are killing her slowly but surely. 

I have gone to the rescue a couple of times.  I know that I am still under some FOG here but there are some positives.

1) I have begun to charge for the time.  This tells myself that I have value.  It is still hard for me to say that I need to be paid but the family has not argued the point at all.
2) In going into the lion's den (sort of literal there, she's a hermit), I am able to keep myself to the topics of the business at handle and stay completely disengaged from any barbs that may tempt to throw out.  That makes me proud of myself.  I treat it in a business format and get out as soon as I am done.
3) With help from people on the board, I started to get information to her family so that they could set up an in home caregiver so that I can get even further away from the whole thing.  This was another rung in the ladder for me.  Instead of taking it on as my duty, I gave them a way that it could be some one else's duty.

It still isn't easy but I can see my progress here and I am stone by stone learning some really important things.

I see it when my new roommate wants to play waif and wants me to help her with things that she needs to solve herself.  I am finding it easier and easier to say, "I don't really know," and let her go about solving it for herself.  Boy does that feel good!

mscj

[mscj]

For me NC has been tough.  I want it but her terminal illness has her family calling me to go and do things for her that she won't do herself and are killing her slowly but surely. 

I have gone to the rescue a couple of times.  I know that I am still under some FOG here but there are some positives.

1) I have begun to charge for the time.  This tells myself that I have value.  It is still hard for me to say that I need to be paid but the family has not argued the point at all.
2) In going into the lion's den (sort of literal there, she's a hermit), I am able to keep myself to the topics of the business at handle and stay completely disengaged from any barbs that may tempt to throw out.  That makes me proud of myself.  I treat it in a business format and get out as soon as I am done.
3) With help from people on the board, I started to get information to her family so that they could set up an in home caregiver so that I can get even further away from the whole thing.  This was another rung in the ladder for me.  Instead of taking it on as my duty, I gave them a way that it could be some one else's duty.

It still isn't easy but I can see my progress here and I am stone by stone learning some really important things.

I see it when my new roommate wants to play waif and wants me to help her with things that she needs to solve herself.  I am finding it easier and easier to say, "I don't really know," and let her go about solving it for herself.  Boy does that feel good!

mscj

[Sabine]

Oh I like this thread! Even though Im fairly newly into strict NC (2 months) it's my second go-around.

NC it has allowed me to look at my own control issues in thinking I could 'change' what was going on in the r/s or thinking I had the power to make it different. Today I admit defeat graciously.

NC has given me FREEDOM to think clearly and not get muddied with his manipulating tactics and words.

NC has made it easier to move forward and regain myself.

NC is a lot less scary than I thought it would be - and that gives me peace of mind.

NC has made me feel empowered and somehow validates my decision to leave - I deserve only the very best treatment from others.

NC keeps me safe.
 
NC is more important to me than contact could ever be. 

[GreenMango]

Oh I like this thread! Even though Im fairly newly into strict NC (2 months) it's my second go-around.

NC is more important to me than contact could ever be.  

Nothin' like a second time (or fifth/sixth for me I can't remember, just as long as it is the last) at the rodeo to make us old hands at it...I really like the last one.  Thanks for that.

[Mr. Tibbs]

I have learned that I only want to contact when I'm feeling alone. So far I've been doing well with NC. But there are times when I want to contact, but its only times when I am feeling down. I realized that was how the entire relationship started.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Mauser]

I'm just now realizing what NC has to mean to me.  NC isn't just about initiating conversations or reengaging, which is what I thought it was. It's also (to me) about letting them have a contact into your life- even if it's not directed at me.

I thought I didn't have a choice with NC since he was the one to break it off. He abandoned me, painted me black, and blocked me out of his life.  And I haven't initiated anything- no emails, no calls, no nothing. So that's NC by default, right? Um, no.

But I still did the snooping. You know-- Facebook, Myspace, eBay, google searches. And it drove daggers through my heart.

Not only was it a serious waste of precious time and energy, but I realized that I would 'discover' absolutely nothing positive. The only things I would find would be hurtful.

• I haven't found him purchasing books through ebay on BPD.
• I haven't read feedback or a review saying "this book cured my BPD".
• I haven't seen a facebook post that says "I miss Mauser with all my heart, and I'm really a schmuck".
• He doesn't have a sign in his front yard saying "Please forgive me, Mauser. Mea culpa".
• The drunken pictures on a beach do not have him looking forlorn, nor do they show any new tattoos with my name on them, surrounded by little hearts or turtle doves.
• His car is not at the local bar because he's inside, attending a meeting for dysfunctional men who want to change their lives and mend their ways.
• He's not posting on dating sites, stating "I can only hope to find a woman as good as Mauser, but I screwed up everything and threw that marriage away, so I have to find a consolation prize to replace the divine goddess that Mauser was."
• His daughters do not mention on FB the fact that their daddy is terribly distraught, and only by seeing Mauser again would his misery end. And that they miss me terribly and wish they would have given me a chance (you know, subtext. I'm sure they feel that way deep in their hearts. Somewhere.) 
• The other woman has not commented on how horribly she feels about sleeping with my husband, nor has she publicly asked forgiveness, nor has she mentioned the shame and guilt she (of course) feels for hurting me.

Sure, I might do all the snooping and stalking I want... but the 'best' I'm going to find is nothing. Oh good, her car isn't in his driveway. Okay, he hasn't purchased anything 'female related' online. Yes, he's at work and not on vacation this week. Yippee, I checked all 7 bars in town, and he's not at any of them. 

SO WHAT.  First, that doesn't prove anything. Second, he's my ex, it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS. Third, it wastes my precious resources. Fourth, if/when I do find a juicy morsel... it's bad. Really bad for me. I get wrapped up in it, it consumes me, the hamster wheel kicks into high gear, and my healing gets set back. I'm back to screaming and crying and having those imaginary conversations in my head and the scab gets ripped off the old wound.

Why do I want to do that to myself?

I've had a few slip ups (yes, just in the last week, and emotionally got nailed for it) but that's when I decided that I am going to be active in making this NC choice.

[C12P21]

Mauser,
Thank you for a funny and refreshingly honest post. I remember those days, too. There are times when "moving on" means not so much as getting over someone but getting past the things we do that keep us bound to them.

You are wicked funny by-the-way.
C

[sea5045]

So it's been one week of no contact after seeing her at a club, I also had no contact after the first time I bumped into her and she was in town, no desire to see her, no hurt that she does not want to see me, but then bumped into her again.

I guess the way to maintain it is to just stay out of the clubs on events in our community, the pooch parade, gay pride, holidays bc her family is here. That is the only way I think I can maintain it. I don't even feel the need to call her on her birthday. I no longer feel the need to let her know when I leave town. I am really getting there, she is no longer a person I want to get close to...I can listen to her but I share no details.

For example, when she was telling me about her job and not having got a raise in 18 months, I did not bring up that she owes me money, and I did not bring up my 13 % raise I've gotten in the last year.  Anyway, I see progress just trying to figure out how I will manage when I "bump" into her again...

any ideas?

[GreenMango]

So it's been one week of no contact after seeing her at a club, I also had no contact after the first time I bumped into her and she was in town, no desire to see her, no hurt that she does not want to see me, but then bumped into her again.

I guess the way to maintain it is to just stay out of the clubs on events in our community, the pooch parade, gay pride, holidays bc her family is here. That is the only way I think I can maintain it. I don't even feel the need to call her on her birthday. I no longer feel the need to let her know when I leave town. I am really getting there, she is no longer a person I want to get close to...I can listen to her but I share no details.

For example, when she was telling me about her job and not having got a raise in 18 months, I did not bring up that she owes me money, and I did not bring up my 13 % raise I've gotten in the last year.  Anyway, I see progress just trying to figure out how I will manage when I "bump" into her again...

any ideas?

Hey first thing congrats on your raise

I avoided the triggers until I felt stronger.  SeekingBalance replied with some wise words to one of my posts awhile back that eventually it will become simple indifference.  And, that I made the promise to no longer compromise my integrity and values...so any contact (b/c no contact is not possible for me) to not engage in anything hurtful.

Anyone else with ideas...I'm all ears.

-GM

[sea5045]

Yes GM- I look forward to simple indifference...I walked by someone yesterday who I had one date with and she was with the person she had an off and on thing with, I didn't say hi, I didn't mind she was with her, I didn't need to engage in conversation, I went around and joined my friends. No judgement, no drama, no push/pull...


ahhhh...simple indifference... Can't wait, I think it will only be a year or so before I'm there. 

BTW- we have a restaurant in town called the Green Papaya

[1989]

That everything that made total sense when it came out of his mouth (with so much emotion) made no sense after 2 months NC.

"I love you, 1989.  You are the love of my life.  I have always loved you."
"About 3-4 years after I last talked to you I realized that I really missed you."

How could that possibly have made sense to me?  

[ellil]

You want to know what's really difficult? Try having all the passwords to his online life (all of it--cell phone carrier, email, Netflix, linkedin (not that he uses that, ), dating sites). Now that was a triumph to stop using any of them.

M

[hijodeganas]

A couple things, already mentioned here in one form or another:

A.  It taught me that it's much easier to get over something than you might initially assume.

B.  It allowed me more mental freedom.  What I mean is, before NC virtually all my mental time and energy was focused on her, it was hard to accomplish other things.  But after I went NC I felt a ton of anxiety.  I realized why:  My mind had the freedom to focus on anything it wanted, but it was so ingrained in me to think about HER that I didn't know what to do with myself!  It was like being institutionalized, in a sense; I felt mentally and psychologically dependent on this toxic situation.  But I wound up forcing myself to find other things to be engaged in - music, friends, exercise, etc. - and realized it was my choice all along how much I wanted to torture myself about her.  This goes back to point A; once I made the decision to refocus my life, it became astoudningly easy to get over her.

[C12P21]

"About 3-4 years after I last talked to you I realized that I really missed you."

You know at first I thought this but then realized, it does show the dynamics of the disorder-how they cut their emotions off and at some point revisit them. Tragically, since a pwBPD experiences the cut off emotions "fresh" they cannot comprehend that you have moved on as you processed those emotions in the distant past.
My exH said that too, after four years of separation and the finalization of our divorce, he came to me and said exactly the same thing and wanted to give it one more try. 
This is why NC is important-the FOG I experienced during and after that conversation cost me a few more $$ in T. It was also during the time I met the NPDbf, boy was I vulnerable. '

You want to know what's really difficult? Try having all the passwords to his online life (all of it--cell phone carrier, email, Netflix, linkedin (not that he uses that, ), dating sites). Now that was a triumph to stop using any of them.

 

[myself]

A couple things, already mentioned here in one form or another:

A.  It taught me that it's much easier to get over something than you might initially assume.

B.  It allowed me more mental freedom.  What I mean is, before NC virtually all my mental time and energy was focused on her, it was hard to accomplish other things.  But after I went NC I felt a ton of anxiety.  I realized why:  My mind had the freedom to focus on anything it wanted, but it was so ingrained in me to think about HER that I didn't know what to do with myself!  It was like being institutionalized, in a sense; I felt mentally and psychologically dependent on this toxic situation.  But I wound up forcing myself to find other things to be engaged in - music, friends, exercise, etc. - and realized it was my choice all along how much I wanted to torture myself about her.  This goes back to point A; once I made the decision to refocus my life, it became astoudningly easy to get over her.

Yes, this is what's been happening with me too. Feeling shaky, like I've been so tense and wound up but now with NC it's slowly starting to come undone, I'm relaxing more and more. Like kicking drugs must feel like. Getting it out of your system. Finding that there are so many other Positive things to do than be caught up in all the turmoil and abuse. Finding Myself again! It's as if I had fallen into a dream that became a nightmare but now I'm waking up again. NC is absolutely helping with this.

[hithere]

OK, back on NC with a bit of help from some medication she is taking.  Apparently it makes her feel indifferent (and she probably has a new guy), so she is attempting contact with me much less (instead of 5 times a day, now it is just once or twice a week) - but she is getting a bit sneaky, she has had some text contact with my ex-wife and has been texting my daughter.  I am sure she is trying to get a reaction out of me but I won't budge...I hope!

3 weeks today NC! And 4 weeks yesterday since I have seen her.

[1brokenwing]

Mauser, thank you for your honesty and the hint of humor. Sigh. I could be you. You could be me.  We learn from one another and gather strength and courage. I know you've helped someone tonite with their commitment to NC as they vicariously lived the journey of breaking contact.  You speak the truth and truth heals.  I admire you. Its admirable to keep moving forward but it's not about doing it perfectly but simply doing it because we get there regardless. 

Thank you!

I learned that:
I can make a commitment to myself
I can indeed delay gratification and exercise impulse control (adult developmental milestones I lacked! Yey I'm growing up)
I am tempted to contact when I am in a gOOD place (give give give)
Every day builds on yesterday EXPONENENTIALLY
That the hardest part is FEELiNG vs ACTING out with cyber stalking etc.
The crazy compulsion to wanna contact passes if I sit and breathe through it
I get stronger every day
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger (love the song)
I had an integral part in this relationship (which frees me from being a victim) and that I can heal the brokenness in me that was attracted to the brokenness in him

That NC is a gift we give ourselves and quite possibly the most loving and kind thing we can do for ourselves.

Thanks for the thread oh wise one!

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