Is a letter to my uBPDw a bad idea?

[Think About It...]

I have spent the last few weeks, composing a letter to my wife with many of my frustrations.  Originally I did not intend to send to her, but I plan to give it to her now.  I know my writing is bad so I have read it several time to fix my mistakes.

So much of my pain I have tried to communicate to her, but she says I do not have time for you or you do not make any sense or even almost laughs at my pain.   If I tell her I am really hurt my something she just stares at me, then tells me it is my fault.

We sleep in the same bed almost every night and I feel like a small child with a dictator. Almost like I am a slave because she controls so much of my life.

I do not feel like I have any other way to express my feelings, and I can no longer put up with my pain.

I have tried so many time to tell her, how I feel and I have got no where in years.  I feel like I have no more strength to use tools or even place boundary's, although I guess many of the things I am addressing in the letter are a list of boundary's.

I am at the end of my rope and I am so saddened my uBPDw can not see my pain. I know I need to look past it but...

I have now talked to a 2-4 maybe five friends and acquaintances,(some know us both others don't), but I do not feel like one would think less of me if I left.    

I know BPD is a disease but I feel so week, walking into my marriage I felt I could deal with anything, I guess I was wrong.

Some days I feel jealous of some that has a spouse that drinks, has a affiar, (maybe if gets sick(cancer ?)or waste a couple thousand dollars.   Why ,  to be it seems like a simpler cause and effect and something that is easier to fix, with BPD it effects so many things.

I realize a letter may be a bad idea, but I have no other way to let my wife now much I am hurting.

[Mike76]

I have spent the last few weeks, composing a letter to my wife with many of my frustrations.  Originally I did not intend to send to her, but I plan to give it to her now.  I know my writing is bad so I have read it several time to fix my mistakes.

So much of my pain I have tried to communicate to her, but she says I do not have time for you or you do not make any sense or even almost laughs at my pain.   If I tell her I am really hurt my something she just stares at me, then tells me it is my fault.

We sleep in the same bed almost every night and I feel like a small child with a dictator. Almost like I am a slave because she controls so much of my life.

I do not feel like I have any other way to express my feelings, and I can no longer put up with my pain.

I have tried so many time to tell her, how I feel and I have got no where in years.  I feel like I have no more strength to use tools or even place boundary's, although I guess many of the things I am addressing in the letter are a list of boundary's.

I am at the end of my rope and I am so saddened my uBPDw can not see my pain. I know I need to look past it but...

I have now talked to a 2-4 maybe five friends and acquaintances,(some know us both others don't), but I do not feel like one would think less of me if I left.    

I know BPD is a disease but I feel so week, walking into my marriage I felt I could deal with anything, I guess I was wrong.

Some days I feel jealous of some that has a spouse that drinks, has a affiar, (maybe if gets sick(cancer ?)or waste a couple thousand dollars.   Why ,  to be it seems like a simpler cause and effect and something that is easier to fix, with BPD it effects so many things.

I realize a letter may be a bad idea, but I have no other way to let my wife now much I am hurting.

[DS]

Hi, Henry, I am also considering a letter to my partner. We have multiple topics, that come up for practical reasons as well as emotional ones, that we can't seem to discuss at all without her dysregulating severely, and they're huge and major topics that can't just be left as they are if we are to have any relationship in the future.

So, I was journaling and found that as I wrote some thoughts of my own out on paper, it helped me to clarify my feelings a little, and I saw some feelings there (the root feelings, deep fears, etc.) that might help her to understand where I'm coming from -- even if the situation can't change anytime soon or she can't actually do anything differently in any immediate sense.

So, I decided to write her a letter. I talked to my counselor about it. I even told my SO I thought I would write to her, in an effort to communicate with her more respectfully and effectively, and she said she thought that was a good idea and that she'd try to communicate that same way back if she could. Of course, after that positive moment, she has mentioned a couple of times that the concept of the letter is a little terrifying to her. And we've had things come up in other conversations where we're starting to veer into that territory, and I've had to say, "We're getting into some of the territory I'd like to communicate about differently. We don't seem to do well discussing this in person. Let's get back onto another topic..." And that has made her all fearful about what's going to be in this letter. (See, I should have just written it and then given it to her and told her what the purpose of it was, rather than doing it the way I did and giving her a heads-up, but at the time, I figured her just receiving a letter from me would freak her out way more.) So, now I have let her know it won't be a letter of demands or blame, but an attempt at sharing what I have been feeling about a single situation and maybe requesting her participation in resolving it. And she's free to write back, ask to talk about it, do whatever she likes in order to express her feelings. I let her know that I thought I would try a specific approach, such as DEARMAN or SET, so that I could keep my thoughts focused and demonstrate that I care about communicating in a respectful way and make sure to communicate my love and concern at the same time. And I think that helped.

Since I mentioned that, though, she has been in a horrible place emotionally/mentally/physically for any number of unrelated reasons (and just because she has very few coping skills). Lots of stuff is going on in her world, and she's been depressed, anxious, referring to herself as "crazy" and "worthless" and referring to her mind as "a dangerous place" and such. She even got to a point of putting an emergency psychiatric facility's phone number into her phone as a last resort. (Of course, she won't consider counseling before it gets to that point.) And there were days last week where she wasn't sure she would "survive" the day.

So, now I've put off writing the letter for a little while. I guess I don't want to add more on top of all her overwhelming stuff. But I also realize that she would love for me never to write it and her to never have to face things. And that there won't necessarily ever be "a better time" to discuss some of this stuff.

I also realize that she may not be able to discuss or handle this topic even with a letter. She may not even read it. But what can I do? I feel like I do need to at least lay out my feelings about the topic for once and for all, so that we aren't in that bad cycle of it coming up constantly and us fighting about it. And I feel like I should go ahead and finish the letter today. I'm going to use a combination of SET and DEARMAN in hopes that it has some chance of actually being effective. I've outlined it, just not written it fully yet; I think I'm a little scared because she's so intelligent, and I feel like it will need to be perfect. I need to let go of that and know that it'll be whatever it is, and I'll do my best.

I think that if you do write your wife a letter, you consider not just what you want to say but also how you think it will be received and pick some method that seems like a good way to communicate with her. Otherwise, I think you'll be frustrated by the results. But that's just my two cents. Good luck! And let us know how it goes.

[DS]

Also, maybe I'll post today about what my first letter is supposed to be about. Maybe that will help me to actually write it. If I do, I'll let you know where the link is.

[Wrongturn1]

Henry,

Sounds like you are really hurting, and as us nons can understand, the BPD pain can permeate pretty much every aspect of our lives.   

Letters can help in some situations, but I have also heard of instances of bad results.  Do you think you would be willing to post some or all of your letter here so we could provide some feedback before you hand it to your wife (if that's ultimately what you decide)?

[Mike76]

I gave it some thought and decided to post the letter... I know it needs some work.  Parts of it I need to make less of a rant\rage.   I treated parts of it like a journal so I can work through many of my thoughts and feelings so I can figure out where I am at.(for me)

Parts of it may not mean anything unless you know the details. I have decide to put a few details in bold so that you understand



Dear _____

Several things that have been on my mind, I realize I am not perfect, but some of these are really weighing me down.  I have tried to talk about these but you do not let me talk.

She had a wedding shower and said maybe I will be home at 5 and maybe 9, things like this happen often
What time will someone be home….  I really did not care what time you were going to be home the other night(Sunday), but I did not think asking what time is really that big of an idea.  Next time I need to work late, can I just say I will be home late.  If you ask me what time… I can just say maybe 6 maybe 11, you will find out when I get home. I did not time when you say maybe 5pm, but if I get home after 9 I will be pissed.  I was just trying to find out if I got to spend Sunday evening with you. 

I do admire my wife because she is good at exercising, i need to more
I realize I really need to start exercising, but the only way you are happy if I do is if I jump right in at your level.  Could you just come to my level once without saying, “I wasted my time with you”, or “I got nothing out of it”.

Last week I ask her if I could verbally share my thoughts she said, I could not and later send me a email saying she commucate great and I do not.  She made the comment many times before about here being great and me not.  She will talk for 20-30-40 minutes and I do not say one word
I would just like to talk sometimes about things that bother me about work etc, without telling me “I am wrong”.  Also sorry I am not a perfect communicator like you when you share stories or your thoughts. The fact you have them all thought out and planned.

Family is only permitted to call our home phone, if I call from my cell she get rages.  This only goes for friends
You make such a big deal if I use the wrong phone home vs. cell.   Could you please explain to me the proper criteria for when the cell is permissible… ?  You told me you called Dan D. the other day! Great the fact you called him…, but the only phone you could have used was your cell….  It’s your rule, give me all the details, or do not get made when I use the incorrect phone. Sometimes I know it is just easier to use the home phone.  If I wish to reach out to someone and the only available phone is the cell within reach (in the car, or even sometimes at home), that is the one I am going to continue to use.

No matter what project I do somethings is wrong, this one event tops them all I was working on renovation once and hit the wrong circuit  breaker, because I messed up she treated to chop off my man hood and has only justified her feelings since
I know that I need to get more project done around the house, but any projects that I do “It’s always you could have done better”, or “you screwed it up”, “I or someone I know would have done a better job”
When we are in the bathroom or kitchen we need to find a way to work together!

I realize that you hate showers (wedding\baby), but I can no longer stand hearing how great you are for attending and how bad I am for not going.  I can think of nothing that I can say to comfort your feelings other than saying if they cause you that much pain, just do not go anymore.  Do not bring be down because you hate them too much.   If we need a shower, my vote is not to have one, if every spouse of someone that attends owes them so much, then I do not think it is a good idea.

Spice is something we learn at church "Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Creative and Emotional"
SPICE -  I have tried to incorporate it several times before,  if I make a little mistake doing so, I am called a failure or that I ~ED UP YOUR LIFE,  Do you think this encourages me to try again?
Plan and simple I am just tired of being insult by you. You have claimed you do it because others have done it to you, but I do not think this gives the right to do it to me.

Letters have been a problem for a while, she send crazy rants to family and friends, some she never sees. A friend is getting married soon on made a addressing invite mistake, she send instructions on how to address a wedding invite. She has sent hurtful thing to my family that are just crazy.  She see them almost never
You claim you have some many letters to send to people.  You have only shared small bits and pieces with me, but the bits and pieces you have to me seem wrong. (My opinion).   Is the best Christian attitude really sending letters to people that include many of their faults? Do I do not know what you are going to say, nor can I stop you, but I am just letting you know how I feel.

She will stand someplace and yell at me in public, I now walk away but the pain still hurts.
Yelled\disciplined me like a little kid.  Almost like in that a movie we saw (I forget the name of the movie) but the couple was walking by a mother on the street.  Do you realize you have done that to me in a stores and all places church.

I can not even begin to explain family issues
One thing I respected loved about you before we got married is that you cared about family.  I have seen so little of it since the day we got married, the name calling, the frustration if I mention someone’s name.  Seeing family 2-3 times a year, even parents 4-5 times.  I am going to start making time in my schedule to see people family and friends.  You did not even contact the your family for birthdays or try to come up with an alternative party that I am aware.  You have told me so many times how crappy my family does this and how great it works in your family, but I have not seen many great things happen (communication etc).


Any visits to any family are just so stressful, I do not understand why things need to me that\this way… These should be happy times.  I think I am going to make a trip to see the new nephew within the next couple weeks.

This next part is just the most painful
The biggest thing is physical abuse, THIS IS A BIG DEAL and this could be why I am mentioning so many of the other things because I do not know how to deal with it.  I have mentioned it before and you mock me and laugh at me.  You have crossed this line so many times and seem like this is acceptable behavior.  Over the years thrown chemical at me, punched, spit, and shoved.  You have never once apologized even told me it was my fault.  You were upset the other day because I brought this subject up again and you were like “Does this really eat at you?”, to answer your question this eats at me more than anything else in my entire life.  You keep mentioning foster kids lately, many of these kids are being pulled from abusive situations.  How can I even consider bring a child into a situation like this?  The physical abuse has happened several times, and scares me to death.   I have been praying but with what I feel have been no remorse even thinking it is acceptable behavior.  Turn the tables even you talked to someone and you said Jamie hits me when he gets stressed how to you think they would respond?

I am about to end this letter, I think I may have covered too much, but I think I was able to control several of my thoughts writing them because you never let me talk without you becoming agitated.  You tell me you speak great and communicate great, and I don’t so you do not let me talk.  You have talked many times and the opposite end of these issues and I do not get the chance, so I am doing it the only way I can think of.  You have told me you cannot do things with so many people until these certain issues are resolved?  Most of these issues are us and no one else, I need my say.

[LoveNotWar]

I am sorry, it seems like you have been really hurt and i understand why you want your partner to hear you.

That's a LOT of stuff in one letter, I am wondering if your partner would find it overwhelming?

What outcome are you hoping for?

It's hard to predict how your partner  will respond, my BPDh would probably totally ignore it if I sent him a long letter. Or he would totally rage. I find short succinct communications work best for my guy.

If you feel strongly about writing here's something I have learned from workng with kids. You target one behavior at a time to change. Pick the one behavior that's most problematic to address first.

And please look at the tools and articles on this site. I had to learn to set boundaries to keep myself, my h and our r/s safe. I'm not perfect with it but I'm learning.

And the validation piece is SO important and helpful. But I have learned you only validate when the conversation is normal and not abusive. if the conversation is nasty, abusive etc. you leave.

And physical abuse  should never be tolerated. Leave, take a time  out. Don't stay for PA.

[yeeter]

Hi Henry.  First:     

A lot of pain and hurt, and I feel for you.

I have tried letters (and email) back and forth with my wife, and do find it easier to communicate certain things via writing (the emotions escalate too fast if in person).  Although I have modified my approach over the years.

My early letters were a little like yours.  Just this overwhelming list of things that I wanted to share with my wife.  My frustrations, sadness, feelings, etc. - about how the relationship affects me.  I really really really wanted her to care.  To listen.  To show some empathy and compassion towards me.  But I didnt get that.  What I got instead was a written defense and debate about each of the items I wrote about.

So with your letter - my experience is that it wont be received well and most likely will feel like an attack on her and she will combat this defensively.  (I could be wrong, but this was my experience).

Now days I write to bring up one specific thing.  (I know you have a number of things that bother you... but my advice is to tackle them one at a time).  And do post it so others can read and help modify such that it isnt blaming or invalidating to her.  It can just focus on you, and your feelings. 

Then a different thing I did, was write a letter to one of her close friends/consults.  I know she portrays me very negatively to the community of friends.  And also seeks validation from them on how wronged she has been treated by me.  In that letter I painted a pretty different picture of what was really happening in the relationship, and made it a cry for help - to me - on what I could be doing to improve the relationship.  This was received very well by her friend (very kind, compassionate, caring... the very things I dont get from my wife!).  In other words - she figured it out very quickly the dynamic of what was going on, and since has been giving my wife better advice on how to engage in the marriage in a positive way (which means thinking about/considering my needs from time to time).  Although this was a nice outlet for me to air some of these other grievances, you will have to decide if this is a good idea (whether you can trust the person - dangerous to have written stuff floating around so be very careful with this).

[CodependentHusband]

Henry35,
    I echo what has been said by others. Your feelings are understandable and normal under the circumstances. You SHOULD be able to get empathy, compassion, understanding, and sustaining changes from someone healthy that you are in a relationship with. Unfortunately, our pwBPD are not healthy. Three main things I am seeing here that I would stress:

1. JADE. In my opinion, you really need to adopt JADE. There is blame in the letter, and that will not be well-received, no matter how it is processed by the BPD. In my dBPDw it would come back as anger and a push. In an "inward" BPD it could cause them to feel great shame and trigger an abandonment fear, causing a pull behavior; however, this pull behavior would not be coming from their heart, which is what I think you are after.

2. It is too long. Short and sweet is better for BPD's. I have found this time and time again with my wife. I wish like anything I could "take back" some of the long emails I sent her before I knew what BPD was and I saw how damaging they were to our relationship.

3. Pick one thing at a time and work on that. This is similar to point 2 above, but this is what will help you drive towards achieving point 2.


Hope this helps. I really feel your pain on this. I am struggling too, and I know how you feel. In my case, things have levelled somewhat, but I'm not happy with our status quo because it seems to exclude almost all physical contact with my wife. It's not sustainable in my opinion. So, in my case, that is the ONE thing I have chosen to try to handle. I provide positive reinforcement when she expresses affection for me, and I continue to express my desire to be close to her in a way that does not place blame on her.

[Mike76]

Thanks all as always...  You suggestion will help...

I guess what I am really looking for is to just feel a little love from her, on my terms.

Show me some compassion, is all I am really looking for. I have cried recently through a couple chessy tv shows\or movies. Most woman would not even cry, I think this is happening to me because I just missed being loved.  I do not feel it from her, and I have not found a way to reconnect with my family(my family will accept me back, but I need to coordinate it with my wife)

She is wants kids more than anything right know, but I do no feel safe bringing children into this wrong. Not sure I even will... I do wish to have kids someday. Just a sad conclusion I have come to.

Just last night, I had this issue
She can not handle\work with me being in the same kitchen at the same time.  She was doing a lot of baking, I asked her to let me know if she needed help. (I know the times because it became an argument.)  753 she asked for help washing a muffin pan, I started helping at 756(to long I made her wait), 758 I finished, the dishwasher was full so I clean my dinner plate, as I was cleaning the dinner plate and she was spraying PAM on the pan she got some water on the muffin pan.  It was my fault she got water on the muffin pan, because it took me 3 minutes before I started helping her, and I was in her why while I clean one dinner plate. 

[yeeter]

She is wants kids more than anything right know, but I do no feel safe bringing children into this wrong. Not sure I even will... I do wish to have kids someday. Just a sad conclusion I have come to.

If the relationship between you is not a good one;  balanced and healthy.  Bringing kids into will NOT make it better.  In fact it will pile on huge obligations, restrict choices, and increase stress levels for both people.

This is just my opinion based on my own choices and relational dynamics.  But kids will make all of these issues worse.  And you will then have the complication of not only protecting yourself, but also your children.

Which means - if you are not ready to have children - that you need to be taking very deliberate actions to not get pregnant.  Do not leave this responsibility up to her.

[xeon]

Letter is just too long... my experience is something you see as so great with great intention gets turned around into some aweful thing you did or could say.  Maybe something shorter... pick out an area. 

[Wrongturn1]

Henry,

First off, it looks like you might have included your real first name in your post – feel free to go back and edit that if you want. 

I agree with the others about keeping the letter short and focusing on just one issue.  The exercise issue jumps out to me as a good starting point because her fitness level is higher than yours.  Appealing to her skills and expertise will help her feel validated and more likely to listen. 

Below is a sample of what the letter could look like in DEARMAN format.  The things you might say in the letter are included <<in double brackets>>.  Food for thought!  (Also, this is my first attempt using DEARMAN, so others in the group could likely formulate things better than I have.)

D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts. 
<<You are really fit, and I think of you as an expert in the field of exercise.  I want to improve my abilities in this area and your support could be really helpful; however, when we exercise together, I have heard you say things like “I wasted my time with you” or “I got nothing out of it.”>>

E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
<<When this happens, I feel upset because it feels like my efforts are being belittled and that I am being torn down instead of being encouraged.  It makes me not want to continue with my exercise efforts.>>

A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want. 
<<I want your support and encouragement about exercising, and I want us to be able to exercise together without feeling shamed because my abilities are not equal to yours.  Let’s make a commitment to work out together for 30 minutes each day for 30 days.>>

R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want. 
<<The time that we spend together exercising will be a lot of fun, helpful to our relationship, and I am looking forward to becoming more physically fit.>>

M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.

A= Appear Confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc. 
<<I’m confident that we will be glad we did this together.>>

N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation? 
<<I would be glad to pick up more chores around the house/apartment/etc. or help you in other ways to free up any extra time that you need to help me with this.>>

[Auspicious]

1. JADE. In my opinion, you really need to adopt JADE. There is blame in the letter, and that will not be well-received, no matter how it is processed by the BPD. In my dBPDw it would come back as anger and a push. In an "inward" BPD it could cause them to feel great shame and trigger an abandonment fear, causing a pull behavior; however, this pull behavior would not be coming from their heart, which is what I think you are after.

2. It is too long. Short and sweet is better for BPD's. I have found this time and time again with my wife. I wish like anything I could "take back" some of the long emails I sent her before I knew what BPD was and I saw how damaging they were to our relationship.

3. Pick one thing at a time and work on that. This is similar to point 2 above, but this is what will help you drive towards achieving point 2.

Couldn't agree more.

BTW, usually when people post here at FtF about letters like this, it ends up in disaster or a mess.

Think about what you are trying to achieve. Think about how likely it is that you will achieve it this way.