What to do with tax refund?

[Think About It...]

Thanks, KateCat, for thinking like my H.  I can't help but think that he is purposefully doing this for legal reasons.  So why do I keep letting him do it?  I was told if we're married less than two years, he won't get alimony, etc.  So I filed before two years.  But he has been so uncooperative, that we are "trying to make it work" because I couldn't stand the alternative.  I know he hasn't forced my hand, but it feels like it.  We've now been married for two years and 4 months and time is ticking.

[nowheretogo]

Thanks, KateCat, for thinking like my H.  I can't help but think that he is purposefully doing this for legal reasons.  So why do I keep letting him do it?  I was told if we're married less than two years, he won't get alimony, etc.  So I filed before two years.  But he has been so uncooperative, that we are "trying to make it work" because I couldn't stand the alternative.  I know he hasn't forced my hand, but it feels like it.  We've now been married for two years and 4 months and time is ticking.

[KateCat]

Ha, ha, I can easily think like your H! At bottom, he knows all good things in his life flow from you. I suspect he also thinks that if you knew the unspoken truth(s) about him, you'd reject him and all the good things would go away.

It's a little harder for me to think like a healthy person, but I think that looks like the suggestions JustSaying has been making. Clear expectations that your husband find work. If a field interests him, secure a job as an employee in that field in order to "test drive it." A class or two at the local community college in the business department might also steer him toward a good business plan. And then the loan . . . from someone other than you.

I think you need to set a boundary now. Some kind of employment, secured on his own, or the divorce is on. He will have to act, because he does not want a divorce at this time. He needs a few more years to solidify his identity as a stay-at-home dad with low income. I think he'll actually respect you more if you don't give it to him.

ADDED: At two years you still have a short-term marriage. Spousal support awarded now would be short-term and aimed at getting him back in the job market.

[nowheretogo]

I like all of the suggestions from JustSaying and yourself.  It is just so difficult for me to voice my opinions, thoughts, feelings, or really anything to H for the quickness and fiercenss of counterattack and then the refusal to listen.  ie, I filed for divorce.  He basically told me NO, like he does with all of my other requests or suggestions.  This is where I need to work on myself.  Getting my voice out and then sticking to what I said.  I am so open to suggestions!

[yeeter]

Hi Nowhere,

Im a little unclear on your situation - its my understanding that you filed for divorce, but are not divorcing?  Or its on hold? 

I ask because I was in this mode - I had filed and we were living together for over 4 months.  Very stressful.  And my wife was adamant that she would not participate in any way that enabled it to happen.  But at the end of the day, she cant necessarily stop it (but she can drag it out and make it difficult, that is for sure).  If you arent strong in your conviction to divorce, its easy to give in and not go forward.

At the last minute I aborted the divorce to take another attempt with the marriage.  For me it was an either/or thing... either all the way in, or all the way out.  'Half in' wasnt working (this was somewhat my feelings leading up to filing.

So if you are half in, this would make every interaction defensive positioning on his part.  Of course he has to protect himself.  And of course you have to protect yourself.  In my wifes case (as I would bet is the case with most BPD), what was 'fair' protection of her was never really within balance (that is, it was always heavily biased in her favor, or else she 'felt' it wasnt fair).  This is another place feelings = reality in her mind.

In my case I make all the money and have zero visibility/control of it.  Its always been my philosophy towards relationships (we are in it together and whoever is able, pays) - UNTIL now.  Now I realize that although this works great with rational partners, it doesnt work with BPD's.  So my advice is to KEEP YOU MONEY SEPARATE.  Especially given you are in the middle of a divorce? (at least kinda).  Make your own decisions on your money, and spend it in the manner that makes sense for you.  Ultimately he will have to go find work anyway (if divorced), unless he ends up landing enough child support (as the stay at home parent) that he doesnt have to work (flip the genders and see how your state makes award claims - it can be pretty frightening).

In fact, you might ask some of these questions over on the legal boards...

 

[nowheretogo]

Yeeter,

Don't worry, I'm confused too....

Yes, I filed.  Before the first 24 hours after being served were up, he was begging to try again.  After a month or more, we had a huge fight, and I decided to commit to trying to make it work, but not to withdrawing the papers.  So the divorce is unofficially on hold.  I am not calling the attorney or moving forward at this point.

He stays at home because he lost his job at the end of August.  I was ready to file then, but put it off yet again because of this and finally did just before Thanksgiving.  He "asked" to be the stay at home dad, but I argued that the kids need to keep their routines and be around other kids, have scheduled days, etc, and that he has no patience with kids (he doesn't).  He was highly offended and angry, but continues to take D1 to daycare each morning and pick both D1 and S6 up from daycare each day.  I take S6 to daycare in the mornings on my way to work.  Until D1 was about 18 mos of age, I always took her in the mornings, too.  I always got up with her every night until like 15 months.  Miraculously, shortly after H lost his job, she started sleeping like 12 hours, and so he gets to sleep in with her every morning and then take her to daycare around 9 or 9:30.  I would not call him a stay at home dad.  And I don't NEED him to do any of this.  I could still get D1 up and take her in myself.  I COULD pick them up as well.  I COULD  hire a nanny or other caretaker to help with meals, etc, after work.  He claims to cook dinner every night.  Several nights he really doesn't.  Or he puts a frozen pizza in the oven or heats up a frozen dinner.  So what.  He cleans.  But not that much.  I could hire a housekeeper.  Actually, I can keep up with most of the house work on my own.  He only started doing laundry a few months ago, and still leaves most of it for me to put away.  He is not really looking for a job.  He wants to ride out his unemployment for as long as possible and to start his own business with my money (and boy does he get mad when I say "with my money!").   
He would have to get 50.50 custody to get child support.  Maybe he would get it.  My attorney told me no.  D1 is so young, she has a brother at home with me, he drinks a lot of alcohol, etc...but he is adamant that he will have 50/50.  Although the way he plans to get it is to force me to agree or else he will go for all my money.  Fine, he will have to go for all my money.  I don't think he is a good environment for D1.  He loves her and wouldn't ever physically hurt her, but emotionally he is so unstable and immature and that will only transfer to her.

[KateCat]

I would not call him a stay at home dad. 

But that's what he will likely be called in a divorce. Yeeter's suggestion to check out the frustrations of divorcing primary-wage-earners (mostly men) on the "Divorcing" boards is a good one.

[Auspicious]

Although the way he plans to get it is to force me to agree or else he will go for all my money.  Fine, he will have to go for all my money.  

I think it's important to check your fears and opinions with a lawyer ... how exactly would he "go for all your money"?

I don't think he is a good environment for D1.  He loves her and wouldn't ever physically hurt her, but emotionally he is so unstable and immature and that will only transfer to her.

Check your fears and opinions both ways, though. It's important to get a realistic, balanced picture.

Proving in court that he would be a bad parent for D1 can be quite difficult, without 1. objective evidence that 2. the court will consider.


Check with a lawyer about your beliefs and fears before making decisions based on them, even passive decisions!

[catnap]

I thought not too long ago you gave him money to get his PI license and now he is talking doing lawn care and wanting a $6k dumper? 

I am with JS, he needs a business plan and to find a business loan that he can get under his own name.  Otherwise, if the PI or the lawn care does not work out, you will ultimately be blamed and out money. 

No, I do not think he really qualifies as a stay at home Dad.  The kids are in daycare, not a day or two for a few hours, but all week.  So you pay for that, while he stays doing very little and keeps all of his unemployment, of which little to none directly benefits the family as a whole. 

KateCat has a good point, set a boundary that he gets a job or secures financing on his own for a business.  He has had ample time since August.  He is all over the place on his own business, which I suspect is all talk and no action.  He will always need something else from you to make a go of things. 
 

[yeeter]

I thought not too long ago you gave him money to get his PI license and now he is talking doing lawn care and wanting a $6k dumper? 

I am with JS, he needs a business plan and to find a business loan that he can get under his own name.  Otherwise, if the PI or the lawn care does not work out, you will ultimately be blamed and out money. 

No, I do not think he really qualifies as a stay at home Dad.  The kids are in daycare, not a day or two for a few hours, but all week.  So you pay for that, while he stays doing very little and keeps all of his unemployment, of which little to none directly benefits the family as a whole. 

KateCat has a good point, set a boundary that he gets a job or secures financing on his own for a business.  He has had ample time since August.  He is all over the place on his own business, which I suspect is all talk and no action.  He will always need something else from you to make a go of things. 
 

I agree on the business plan.  (we have a saying for early monies raised by the 3 F's:  Friends, Family, and Fools...)

My kids are all in school or preschool.  I work.  My wife does not.  This makes her a stay at home mom - focused on raising the kids instead of working.  Doesnt matter how many hours she does, or does not put into it.  Yes the courts have gender bias so you may get a break, but dont assume just because he has free time during the day that this will be seen as something other than stay at home dad.

Yes seek legal advice on this - every state is different, and rarely does everyone feel the courts are 'fair'. (also seek advice on PASSIVE agreements! )

[KateCat]

No, I do not think he really qualifies as a stay at home Dad.  The kids are in daycare, not a day or two for a few hours, but all week.  So you pay for that, while he stays doing very little and keeps all of his unemployment, of which little to none directly benefits the family as a whole.

This is where I wonder if things get more worrisome. (Those craigslist ads you stumbled on.) How can a woman be sure of protecting her health if her husband has a lot of free time, his own money, and is secretly fighting some aspects of his sexuality?

[doryswimsagain]

Hey nowhere...bear with me...I may be stepping my toe into the wrong pond on this board

BUT...here is my question for you: IF you do NOT end up staying, would you go for primary custody? If so, then I think you need to be very careful to document these behaviors along the way. Difficult to do, I know, when you are trying to wear an honest "staying cap" but necessary all the same.

I believe he would in fact be viewed as a stay at home Dad. Being that you make 100% of the income, I can tell you that his child support and awarded proprty (if you are in a 50/50 state) would be quite handsome.