Did they ever embarrass you in public?

[Think About It...]

Mine did.  She would say ridiculous things in front of her family about me.  She once discussed my package size in front of her mom, and I'm not talking about mail.  When I pulled her aside and asked her why she would say that to her mom, she would say that she was complimenting me.  Really? Disgusting!     

She would also tell her friends about every intimate detail of our relationship, then say to me, I hope you don't mind?  Nothing seemed to be off limits as far as discussions to others about our relationship.  I think her friends knew more about what was going on than I did.

Anyone else get embarrassed by their ex in front of others?

[forgetthepast]

Mine did.  She would say ridiculous things in front of her family about me.  She once discussed my package size in front of her mom, and I'm not talking about mail.  When I pulled her aside and asked her why she would say that to her mom, she would say that she was complimenting me.  Really? Disgusting!     

She would also tell her friends about every intimate detail of our relationship, then say to me, I hope you don't mind?  Nothing seemed to be off limits as far as discussions to others about our relationship.  I think her friends knew more about what was going on than I did.

Anyone else get embarrassed by their ex in front of others?

[ellil]

Only everytime we were out in it. Not so much what he talked about but if anyone even looked at him, he'd spark up an eternal conversation with them until they were visiibly uncomfortable. I usually walked away.

I wonder what all our different reasons for staying were.

M

[Belka]

My ex friend's style is really passive aggressive, so there was no outright "public humiliation," but he frequently did things that were designed to rattle me. I play in a couple of bands. I love playing music, but I'm pretty shy so I've had to learn to see performing as a "necessary evil" associated with what I consider the fun stuff: writing songs, practicing and cutting up with my bandmates, designing and building props and the set. Ive been doing it for a while, but I still get stagefright. On a couple of occasions he came backstage and started drama right before I had to perform! The worst was when, just after his girlfriend had "dumped" me as her friend, I told him that I was a wreck and for them to please give me some space and not go to an upcoming show. He told me that the both of them were, in fact, going no matter how I felt about it. I felt SO betrayed and violated. I was a nervous wreck that night, but I made it through, even having to deal with his girlfriend's hate filled glaring. Ugh!

Also, my ex friend is a big fan of lying by omission. Quite a few times I wound up embarrassed because I made a decision or talked about something thinking I had complete information. I sure didn't. When I would ask him what was up, he had "forgotten" that particular detail, or more commonly "didn't think it was important enough to mention." So. Many. Facepalms.

[GreenMango]

I noticed a lack of age appropriate social skills and lack of boundaries which resulted in some embarassing moments...but the lack of boundaries wasn't just towards me.  It was fairly consistent across the board...so I don't think it was purposeful or malicious.  Then I remembered what my mom used to say to me, "You are the company you keep."  Not neccesarily meaning what our partner does equates to our maturity or our ability to be socially appropriate, but in the wrong context can speak to our decision making skills, or lack thereof, to the type of company we keep.

GM

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[cc2]

constantly, but in a way of saying that I made statements, did things which she actually said/did but putting it in my shoes... At one time she claimed I broke her blackberry charger (to a collegue visiting) while in fact I fixed it after her cat had chewed on it...

[gina louise]

Not generally-but in private he was like a 4 year old. no filters. And needed continual validation.

In public, he was almost too self aware. Too focused on how he looked, where to position himself for the best views, and visibly staring- from behind his ultra cool raybans -at pretty women. They may have been his daughter's age...but no matter.

He would make comments about something I might have done-spilled the sugar or broke a dish or dropped my cel phone...and made it seem ULTRA stupid.
then HAHAHAHA it was just a JOKE! Can't you TAKE A JOKE?
He would especially make those jokes  in front of his kids. Not so much anymore. I think his kids got uncomfortable-(they are late teens to early twenties) and told him so.
He would never embarrass his kids. He adores them as extensions of himself.

[sotiredtoonice]

My BPDH is terrible. I avoid going out in public with him always. First, there is the car ride to where ever we are going. I have experienced him pulling off the side of the road, getting out of the car and trying to fight with someone over how they were driving. Nevermind its insane, but what about the safety of your wife? Then once we get to the destination, there is always someone there that he has to pick a fight with, I am speaking of complete strangers. He either doesn't like their clothes, the accent, or their size. Anything to make an ass of himself. Then he wonders why I dont want to go places with him... 

[soren]

My wife certainly did(were going through a divorce) She was even worse when we were dating.  She would make fun of me, tell intimate details about me whether financial, sexual or health.  It got to a point where a good friend of mine who became friends with her told one day she should back off.  When he said it, it didnt bother her.  When I say back off she would blow up.  She would even tell people personal details about my family members.  Whenever I commented on it or said youn shouldn't say those things she would just go off in a rage.  I learned to try and change sensitive topics about me or my family.  

Then she goes on to tell people how private she is and doesnt tell anyone anything! HA.. maybe about herself but she doesnt filter herself when it comes to others.  She even tells initimate details about her family so when I first met her sister and brother I probably knew things about them they wouldnt want anyone knowing.

[hithere]

Mine did.  She would say ridiculous things in front of her family about me.  She once discussed my package size in front of her mom, and I'm not talking about mail.  When I pulled her aside and asked her why she would say that to her mom, she would say that she was complimenting me.  Really? Disgusting!   barfy

She would also tell her friends about every intimate detail of our relationship, then say to me, I hope you don't mind?  Nothing seemed to be off limits as far as discussions to others about our relationship.  I think her friends knew more about what was going on than I did.

Anyone else get embarrassed by their ex in front of others?

My ex was exactly the same.  She would also be rude and condescending to service staff at restaurants and retail stores, especially if they were pretty.

[HostNoMore]

Oh yes, mine did once.  We were at a restaurant bar waiting to be seated. 

She threw her contact information to the bartender right in front of me, and asked me if we could have an open relationship and let her have "just one".  Just one my behind!

Needless to say this setup the situation that freed me of this parasite forever.  At least the bartender gave me a free drink even he seemed bewildered.

The only thing open to debate is rather she did it to force me to dump her or just general impulsiveness.  My money is on impulse.

I have never been so embarrassed on a date with someone who supposedly "loved" you.  This incident also led to me discovering BPD.

Anyway, I dumped her on the spot, and she then got me back and dumped me one week later.

[marbleloser]

Oh wow! I hadn't even thought of this,but yeah! She told my sister and every freakin female I knew what a great lover I was.Then she told me AFTER she had spoken to them.I said," My sister? Why would you do that? That's just wrong on so many levels!" Thinking about it now gives me an "eeww" feeling.
Then when we'd go out to eat,it was constant "rubbing" certain places under the table.(OK,I didn't mind that one.It's a boundary I'm willin to let go of.)

[HardDaysNight]

Oh yes, or at least try as I had pretty thinck skin at that point.  More frustrated that she would jam a shiv in my back, and of course I have to smile and play nice.  She took great glee in it.  And takes it as some failing of mine that I would prefer that some of my private conversations be kept, you know private.  My failing was trusting her.

[redfeather]

Mine had a scar on her leg she just had to show me so one day (a Saturday so busy) in a grocery store parking lot somewhere in a Southern city she did in fact DROP her pants and undies to show me and my fellow Publix shoppers!
NOW tell me again why I dated this moron? Hi!

[forgetthepast]

Too bad you weren't shopping at K-Mart.  Could have been a Blue Light Special! 

[luckystrikes]

oh, geez, yes  .

public...or around pretty much anyone else. it was never lost on me how different she was depending on who she was around, and it was almost always embarrassing. if we went out to eat, she tried to be my mom, and it was impossible for us to enjoy ourselves or have a good time. shes also very insecure, and she didnt do this a ton to me (she indicated shed done it to past boyfriends) but shes the type who, when you say something, she calls attention to it, and tries to make you look weird, or stupid, or whatever. its very, very annoying. i couldnt stand her around my dad, or one of my best friends. it would inevitably be a joke session at my expense. with her and my dad, i would just usually tune out, and they would talk to themselves entirely. with one of her best friends she was afraid to even act like my girlfriend, let alone touch me. but in front of others, it was perfectly fine. it just all depends on who they're around, and who they decide to mirror.

as for the most embarrassing time, valentines morning may have been the most psychotic she ever went. basically, i had refused to promise to never look at porn, but i had against my better judgment, bent a little bit, and said i wouldnt any time soon. i fell asleep in bed with her with my laptop. low and behold, she discovered one, single, individual, (1) 'dirty' picture (no nudity, not pornographic) in my history, and oh my lord she went ballistic. SCREAMING in agony at the top of her lungs. as far as going public, this was between or around 8 or 9 in the morning. she was screaming bloody murder, and trying to leave my house. i cant even recall anything specific she said, it was totally nuts. needless to say, neighbors stepped outside to see what in the world was going on, and you would have thought i was beating her senseless or raping her. im sure she was cursing. im sure she woke people up. that was so very embarrassing. to top it off, to my parents she screamed "YOUR SON. IS A F******. CHEATER!"  ?

she would frequently speak for me, or misquote me, or misrepresent me, which is a huge pet peeve. if i corrected the record, she was super touchy about it. happened all of the time. she wasnt terribly shy of freaking the hell out in front of one of my best friends, either, but most anyone else she would have put on "composure".

[kimbers43]

Yes...many times. My ex had very very large breasts and big nipples. Sorry to be crude! She would get them out at the drop of a hat or her favourite trick would try to be sexual infront of peopl, touching me and telling me to do her right here in the bar, toilet, club, office, church, taxi cab, basically anywhere and let people watch. I'm a shy person so naturally i would pull away at this point and then have to suffer being called boring! boring! your no fun!

[gina louise]

OH wow- Mine made jokes at my expense in front of his KIDS!(ages 15, 17 and 21) and when I would object, he would say C'MON can't you take a joke? Everything/ ANYthing from my hair to the fact that they were from the right side of the tracks, silver spoon in mouth, brand name everything- and I was from a smaller town.

correcting me-Check
lecturing me-check
groping me-check
misquoting me-check
scoffing at my opinions as boring/ lame-Check

ALSO pushing me to make friends that are somehow attractive to HIM. either drop dead gorgeous women, or women with money. preferably both!
 

YET...
if I made fun of his tendencies or be star struck -what grown man follows the antics of the Kardashian women? REALLY?-it was game ON.
He would love his friends to be novelists, screen writers, famous actors.(but they are not) he maligns normalcy. it's boring.

[HardDaysNight]

OH wow- Mine made jokes at my expense in front of his KIDS!(ages 15, 17 and 21) and when I would object, he would say C'MON can't you take a joke? Everything/ ANYthing from my hair to the fact that they were from the right side of the tracks, silver spoon in mouth, brand name everything- and I was from a smaller town.

correcting me-Check
lecturing me-check
groping me-check
misquoting me-check
scoffing at my opinions as boring/ lame-Check

Good god GL I married the female clone of your SO, except I don’t get the groping more the exact opposite UNLESS for show.  

I love the misquoting followed by correcting an scoffing.  A real trifecta of disorder.  

Did you get this in public?

I now get this almost always in private, although in front of the kids, because:
(a)   Her “correction” is almost always in correct or pedantic (she used to do it in public but other adults used to politely let her know she was in fact incorrect, you could see her blood boil);
(b)   Her “lecturing” also is reserved for the home now as again other adults used to disagree with her position;
(c)   She stopped “misquoting” me in public as people would correct her as well; all good natured because they didn’t get this was not an honest mistake on her part;
(d)   Her “scoffing” stopped as well around other adults as others always seemed to come to agree with me, some of her positions and attitude were so mean spirited and narcisstic I think several couple thought she must be joking and treated it as such, which dumbfounded her they did not agree with her views.

All of this combined she doesn’t want to do things with couples anymore where there is actual conversation.  She only wants to do things in public venues and functions where conversation at best is small talk, that is, a low chance there will be any discussion of life or the issues of the day.  

Oh she is still ready to do or say anything, even lie and twist, to try to belittle me in public.  The hardest part is addressing the outright fabrications.  The outright fabrications are more common the actual facts don’t paint me in a bad light.   She can’t embarrass me anymore, just herself, and she still does a good job of that.

YET...
if I made fun of his tendencies or be star struck -what grown man follows the antics of the Kardashian women? REALLY?-it was game ON.
 

Oh yeah.  How dare you question anything the pwBPD does as “odd” even after the pwBPD has spent hours, days even telling you how “odd” you are and therefore are “inadequate” in some way or every way.  A pwBPD can sure dish it out but can’t take it.

ALSO pushing me to make friends that are somehow attractive to HIM. either drop dead gorgeous women, or women with money. preferably both!
…
He would love his friends to be novelists, screen writers, famous actors.(but they are not) he maligns normalcy. it's boring.

I found this the most odd, and disturbing, of all.  My BPD/npd wife on several occasions vilified some average, married, upper-middle class guys I hang out with once a month or so, not glamorous by any means as follows.
 
These friendships literally hurt her and were hurtfull to her because: Their wives were fat and it made her feel fat for me to hang out with guys with that had fat wives.  WTH?  Kicker.  One wife she had never met, but we are in the US so a 50/50 chance you are right.  Second, one only put on weight as a side-effect of medication, just like my wife’s sister.   I would say this is the most self-centered thing my wife has said but it is not.

Oh, but that isn’t even the most twisted.  On another occasion she said “Can you see me f***ing those guys?  I wouldn’t want to f*ck them.  How can you hang out with guys like that.”   I recall I was really stunned by that.  For the record they are not in great shape nor really bad shape, no movie star looks I guess, fairly average and well groomed.   Also for the record, this is no swinger set up nor have we ever been that way, I have no desire for her to be f’ing my friends.

 I think I said that is so messed up on so many levels I don’t know what to say.  Really, the measure of my friends (not even deep friends just some guys I like to hang with once and a while) is there f’ability in your eyes?  I think I really want to avoid getting good looking friends.

Like your SO, it really is about her wanting me to have friends that are only good looking and wealthy.  Social climbing at it’s most vile, as she clearly intends to ride my coattails, and maybe these “friends.”

[luckystrikes]

they really can dish it but not take it. the ones ive known are always VERY sensitive about teasing, but, and especially early on, they'll throw out whatever they want as a "joke", and im supposed to get it and go along with it even when its especially insulting. in some cases, ill usually find something theyre open to some teasing about. i like a good natured back and forth ribbing...this can either be a nightmare, or some amount of fun with a pwBPD

i hate the public treatment. its impossible to have a good time with or without them.

also "Oh yeah.  How dare you question anything the pwBPD does as “odd” even after the pwBPD has spent hours, days even telling you how “odd” you are and therefore are “inadequate” in some way or every way." ive seen a thread or two on how obsessed with how "weird" others are to a pwBPD.

[aurora.dragon]

i remember within the first month we were going out, he took me out for thai and a movie.  In the restaurant, he said, he thought I was too "uptight" and started saying words like "penis" and "vagina" really loud.  I asked him to stop and told him he was embarassing himself and me.  He didn't care and thought he was funny.  I said I wanted to go home - so he stopped.  At the theatre there was a disable man on the preview promoting a charting and my expwBPDbf started saying very loudly, "Whats wrong with him?" "He looks retarded!" and other derogatory comments.  I asked him to stop - he did settle down and we did enjoy the movie and had a nice night.
The next morning we ended up having a discussion about the previous night and I said he couldn't act that way in front of me, that I didn't associate with people who acted like they were a bratty 12 year old.  He disagreed and said, he would do as he pleased and that I was uptight.  I said, "Fine, I'm uptight then, but you can't act like that in public!  Is something wrong with you?  I don't hang out with rude and immature people." I tried to leave but his car parked my in so I couldn't leave, he didn't want me to leave and deep down I didn't want to leave as this was the first incident we had had.  I asked him why he was sabbotaging us.  He said other people have said that to him before too. (duh).  I didn't know what I was dealing with - I thought does he have Ausbergers?  He has never acted that way since.
He was so funny as he said that I talked very strongly, confidently and I didn't mince my words.  It was a guiless  observation. I remember one time hugging him lying in bed and he said to me, "you love very deeply."  Which is true, but again a voiced guiless observation.
It was like he was storing information about me.  He always did that.  And in the beginning, he asked me so many questions about myself...which I loved because I love answering questions.  So did he - I always thought he was telling the truth - and I never found evidence he was lying.  Except about his ex-wife with time lines and that he didn't know where she was - when she lives in the same town...
Well, I must say my confidence eroded after his "making crazy" behavior and I didn't "discipline" him as much as was needed - not that I should have had to discipline him at all...I started walking on eggshells...I fell in love and he knew it and then he got critical and controllling and then dropped me like a hot potato when I criticized him...ouch!