Facebook and Object constancy...

[Think About It...]

After reading many posts about object constancy and how if we are out of sight then we are out of mind. But is that really true in the age of Facebook/Twitter? especially if they remain as one of our "friends".
 I have everything from her feed blocked but she can readily view mine which she in fact does daily.
She dumped me on my head in late January then went completely SILENT for 4 weeks then started 'liking" a lot of posts in February. Nothing for first 2 weeks of March then again 2 days ago started liking various posts.
I have left her as a friend because I actually want to see if she plays out the last part of the BPD cycle which is the re-engage. That may be seen as silly or unhealthy but I want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt. So hold your judgements there is a method to my madness.  Hi!

[redfeather]

After reading many posts about object constancy and how if we are out of sight then we are out of mind. But is that really true in the age of Facebook/Twitter? especially if they remain as one of our "friends".
 I have everything from her feed blocked but she can readily view mine which she in fact does daily.
She dumped me on my head in late January then went completely SILENT for 4 weeks then started 'liking" a lot of posts in February. Nothing for first 2 weeks of March then again 2 days ago started liking various posts.
I have left her as a friend because I actually want to see if she plays out the last part of the BPD cycle which is the re-engage. That may be seen as silly or unhealthy but I want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt. So hold your judgements there is a method to my madness.  Hi!

[foiles]

Hi redfeather.

I think being friends on fb means you are not out of her sight and she is not out of yours. Any kind of contact is contact and prolongs healing. I really don't want to judge you. Most of us have tried to find out about our ex's - googling, mutual acquaintances, drive by's, etc.  Our heads have for so long and so intensely been focused on them that it's really hard to go through the withdrawal pristinely. Usually people stay in some sort of contact because they want to reengage, others out of curiosity, others for various reasons.

But if you are trying to see if she is really BPD because she reengages you, it won't work. Although many do, not all. You can be BPD and not do that.

My concern, and it is concern, not judgement, is that it is focusing on her. Healing occurs when we focus on ourselves. How often do you check or think about her now? My bet is that if you completely block her, knowing she won't be on there, you will think about her less and less. And it will give you more time to process what has happened with a clearer head. Besides, she did reengage by 'liking' your posts. She KNOWS you are still thinking about her because she knows you are seeing that. You, on the other hand, will never know what is on her mind.

Take care,
Foiles

[redfeather]

Hi Foiles,
Thank you for your reply. But I disagree she knows that I have been thinking about her. She has no way of knowing that at all. What I do know from allowing her to still be my friend on Facebook is she has in fact gone almost full circle in the BPD cycle.  she is known to recycle her relationships.
Oh and I havent been on her page, havent called her, no texts, emails, no drive bys, googling..Nada.
When she first dropped me on my head I almost deleted her from FB, But I was pretty sure I was dealing with another BPD. Figured she would go all silent treatment then re-engage at some point in future. I just want to know for sure. 

[foiles]

Redfeather,

Well, I know she can't read your mind to see if you are thinking about her, although my exBPDbf thought he could read my mind...

All I meant was that she knows you get messages that so and so 'likes' your comment. So at least for that brief moment you are thinking about her, and she knows it. I think it's a way to get your attention and keep you on the line, no matter how tenuous- a notorious BPD action. For me, I wanted to be sure he wasn't lurking around, so he would stop thinking about me, as much as I could control, so i blocked him. Now that didn't mean that he was off of mine. They are masters at renting space in others' minds. Occasionally (and it has been several years), I am still curious as to what happened to him, and who he is torturing now, even though I have no feelings for him and have a wonderful life.

Do you think, in any small way, that you want her to post for any reason other than a psychological experiment? 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[redfeather]

I think what she can see from still being able to view my page is that I havent skipped a beat, been going to dinner with friends, exercising, recently began a new career, having fun trying new activities, went on the small trip we had planned (with my sister) before she dumped me on my head to run off with soulmate # 576... in other words her 6 weeks of silent treatment was punishment because I caught her in a lie and sent her on her way.
 So since I strongly suspected she was pwBPD i was able this time to wish her well and go LC except the facebook. I kept her on facebook because I wanted to see for sure. She has as I came to find out later a really bad habit of going back to x's.
And to answer your question inquiring if I want her to post for a reason other than a psychological experiment..the short answer is yes.
I heard her once braggingand laughing how everyone she has ever dated begs her to take her back. And that did not sit well with me once I realized that I had another pwBPD. So maybe it is revenge or some other base feeling. I can handle that doesnt impact me emotionally one way or the other.

[1brokenwing]

Hey Redfeather, how do you know she looks at your FB every day?  I didn't know one could know that (other than when someone's "likes" or writes on your wall).  I think if having her as a friend doesn't trigger you and you are moving on despite that, then more power to you!  He unfriended me one of the first times we broke up and never friended me afterwards. And yet I could see everything on his wall after our final break up and it was sooooo telling! God, how they incriminate themselves!  I stopped looking on there and on his new hostage's after a while because it just messed me up waaaaay too much.  Oh I did do this (so satisfying) and idk if he noticed...I went on his wall and deleted ME from it, i.e., wherever I had tagged him or checked in to places with him.  I had been the one to "check in" on my page, then it showed up on his page.  I went through his FB and deleted every occurrence of me! I went POOF.  It was interesting cause he had deleted a couple of my comments on his wall but had a lot of my presence on there.  It was symbolic.  I was the one making a choice to remove myself completely from his life) he dropped me on my head good but he left me painted white- weird - instead made it about him not wanting to "put me through stuff" as he spiraled, crashed and burned blah blah blah.  He can still see my FB- well limited info  and some status updates I make "public"  that basically let him know (if he looks) that I am fine, still travel and enjoy my life - that my life didn't end when  he "unfriended" me! Hahahahaha.  Yea, FB gets too much credit for being like real life.  A lot of people get in trouble with it, especially if they are not savvy enough to navigate their privacy settings. God, the things I could have done with ALL the information BPD and his sb new hostage posted!  it's YOUR process, just keep being true to yourself!

[truly amazed]

Hi,

to put it bluntly are you mad ?

Block her on FB ... defreind her friends and family.

Nothing good can come of this. Being freinds ? Sadly my own didn't even meet this standard and FB was a tool used to torture until I blocked her ...

Your still hanging on for another round.

NC is NC and block her and delete her friends and move on.

Take care

[redfeather]

No having her as my friend doesnt trigger me in that when I see her liking something i dont go oh my baby wants me again, let me contact her or hunt her down and profess my undying love and devotion!
But I know since the lesbian community is so insular and small where I live she left my replacement, moved on to her replacement then dumped that girl as well.
 Most of her "girlfriends" she dumps and recycles them. She gets a kick out of seeing them squirm/beg/plead to get back with her...she told me so and laughed her head off about it.
 Now I if I had not had the experience of dating a pwBPD prior to her  I would HAVE been right there begging and crying/texting/emailing sending flowers anything to get her back.
But outside of one phone call wishing her well in January she hasnt heard jack crap from me EXCEPT what she can read on Facebook. And what she has seen there over the last several weeks is me having a ball!
 Really not pretend but just lil me out and about enjoying my life.

[redfeather]

 Hi!
Nope not "mad" at all actually pretty copacetic here. Not waiting to be recycled actually I am leaving for Europe for 1 month in about 1week...
But I think the dynamic of their object constancy changes in the face of social media such as Facebook. Just my 2cents which is what my initial point was.
Believe me when I tell you this woman I dated is FULLY aware of the damage she leaves in her wake. I feel no pity whatsoever in posting my obvious ability to move forward so she can see it. For me that is healthy and progress. What broke me the first go around with a pwBPD was not the case this time around. First red flag? I cut bait wished her well and got on with my life. Came here and read then posted and guess what? it worked.

[GreenMango]

Redfeather,
What's the plan if she does the predictable and tries to recycle you?  Letting her have a piece of you through facebook could instigate her to do so fervently.
GM

[redfeather]

Green Mango,
That may happen and again that may not. When she walked away she couldnt have given a crap about me or my feelings. Heard through the grapevine she was in "love" and they were going to move in together. Fast even by lesbian standards!
But that was first Ms Right who lasted about 5 weeks until she was unceremoniously dumped on her head and replaced as well.
So if she indeed fervently tries to recycle I will know exactly what to do. Which is go on with my life.
I understand that ignoring them or showing indifference drive them crazy since everything is about them. Sometimes taking your power back can be going to therapy. But it can also be showing someone by example that your childish games did not work with me and I have a wonderful life of which you are not part of.. Hi!

[GreenMango]

Redfeather,
You sound strong and sometimes the best lessons are to lead by example...I was just asking because I didn't know if you had a plan for any future contact attempts?  I got caught off guard and ended up recycling.  But I don't think I had really sat back at that time and given the relationship enough reflection...you sound like you have.
GM

[redfeather]

You know Green Mango my strength comes from 2 sources: One my being aware of the dynamics involved in dating someone with BPD in the past. So this time when I became aware of what I was involved with I SLAMMED on the brakes.
 I caught her in a lie involving my replacement told her to leave me alone, wished her well and walked away. She has had no contact from me since January. NONE.
Because I knew what I was dealing with I knew where to go to obtain healing and that was here.
 Not from her, not from my friends and family but here amongst people who have been through this mess. And then I had had enough of being treated like a doormat from someone who professed to love me and ran off. See healthy people dont do that.  Hi!

[luckystrikes]

hey redfeather,

its my opinion that the "out of sight out of mind" thing is a bit of an overstatement and shouldnt be taken at all literally. there are certain cases when i think it does apply. but surely you dont think that every time you were not with this person, that they werent thinking of you. pwBPD are often kind of obsessive/clingy in that way. i avoided my ex like crazy. but she kept me chained to my phone. and its not like they literally never give you another thought. the object constancy issue is true, though. when youre absent, it is very much as if a piece of them is absent. my ex would without fail, get terribly lonely every night if i wasnt with her, even if wed been cooped up for a week prior to it. they cant "sense" you, in other words. thats why so many like to keep articles of clothing, or perhaps something to sleep with. my ex liked teddy bears, i assume for the same reason. it was a sense of "me". nothing really works, though.

as far as facebook and twitter go, ive read more than enough nightmare stories about having to deal with a pwBPD post relationship on them. i believe a significant amount of them keep tabs, if theyre able. you may otherwise never know it, though. ive heard stories, a lot of them actually, about people installing devices that led them read their own exes history, and they would find the pwBPD was "hovering" or, looking at their pictures, maybe one in particular, a ridiculous amount of times. thats the object constancy again. so you can bet they would check facebook. before i learned about BPD, i was perversely thrilled to learn my ex was in fact thinking of me, she was invading the email attached to my facebook and reading my messages, even while spending her nights with the new guy. weird. ive seen a bit of evidence that she continues to keep tabs. i dont really care, its her problem.

the liking thing would suggest a reengagement of sorts. i do understand theres a method to your madness, but do remember, you may be playing with a disorder here, and thats a dangerous dance to test.

[redfeather]

I agree the "liking" of Facebook posts is re-engagement and the end to her silent treatment.
 I know she is on my Facebook page daily..seems to be my number one fan! All she has seen is how well I have been. She is the super clingy type of borderline but also a waif so I know it drives her nuts that i wont communicate with her. But i am not.

[KE151]

This is a well established cyber rumor on fb snooping: type any alphabet in the fb search box and the people who appear highest starting with that letter on the list have snooped around your fb most. Try it by going to your own wall and refresh the page many times. You'll soon be top of the list under your own initials.

I blocked my exBPDgf weeks ago mainly to stop myself from looking at her wall but realized last week many of her friends and colleagues appeared as snooping around my fb. I blocked all of them so my ex cannot use them to snoop around my wall. Although almost nothing is public but anyway, to cut all possible contact to zero.

[FriedaB]

Interesting...how  did  you  find  out  the  rumor  wasnt  true  ?

[Applehead]

KE, Could be true but could also be people you search the most too!  I think when you see their friends list, the people they talk with most are the highest on their friends list that appear when you pull up their page.  Not real sure on this either.

[luckystrikes]

yeah, not to change the subject, but from everything i can tell, the people that come up soonest are the ones i visit. ive got a couple of people i keep tabs on, that come up very high, and i am virtually 100% certain have never even been to my page.

[KE151]

KE, Could be true but could also be people you search the most too!  I think when you see their friends list, the people they talk with most are the highest on their friends list that appear when you pull up their page.  Not real sure on this either.

Yes. In my case the lists included lots of people I don't know and whose fb I've never even looked at but who happen to work with my ex...