defining yourself

[Think About It...]

I saw a great post yesterday from a new member like myself about not letting the pwBPD relationship define who you are. Awesome!  I was in a brief relationship only 3 months but I let it take me over mentally and emotionally after it ended. Wow couldn't have been the any worse It was controlling me. Worse yet I work with my ex five days a week. I need to find not only closure but a a time and place where I feel comfortable.

[jdgny]

I saw a great post yesterday from a new member like myself about not letting the pwBPD relationship define who you are. Awesome!  I was in a brief relationship only 3 months but I let it take me over mentally and emotionally after it ended. Wow couldn't have been the any worse It was controlling me. Worse yet I work with my ex five days a week. I need to find not only closure but a a time and place where I feel comfortable.

[Chapboy]

I told her she was beautiful. I don't think that adds to her "perfection," but maybe I am wrong.

Anyways, my story is linked earlier in this thread. Please read it, I'd love to reply to anything after that.

[waterlily11]

The trauma I dealt with in the relationship with BPDbf completely took over my identity.

Finding myself again is a great journey. Noticeable differences I'm experiencing are a new-found clarity of mind and feeling good about myself! It's like a huge weight is lifted off of me!  He really brainwashed me in so many ways. Glad to be free where I can breathe again.

[Chapboy]

I think I am experiencing the same thing waterlily11.

I'm super happy to figure out what happened and not thing of her 1/100000000th degree I did. Like she was some innocent, tough to get, good girl. But there are feelings and certain things you miss.

I feel like I am thinking clear, but as if I won't find someone ever like her, who will say and actually mean what I thought she did. I had not talked to literally any girls, for 2 years. I was so good to her. I'm sure it is just so early for me... :/

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Fenghuang]

I also agree with this. I was doing pretty good pre marriage to uBPDW. I had hobbies and time to enjoy them. We lived together a month and i stopped doing everything because all my energy went into ATTEMPTING to keep her placated. I was chastised for any time spent away from her.

Now i am trying to remember who i was before all this mess.

[luckystrikes]

hey jdgny and 

just so you know, three months with a borderline is nothing to minimize. exposure to toxic people is toxic. its still a very real trauma. there may have been less time for attachment to grow, but theyre usually pretty powerful attachments. i dont think a 3 month whirlwind sounds any better than a 3 year whirlwind. they both do damage, one just takes longer to leave. be kind to yourself, and i encourage you to get all of you can out of this board, and this experience. getting involved with a borderline, is something that should be of concern. and having been with one can increase your odds of hopping right into another one, or another unfortunate relationship choice.

[Chapboy]

lucky - regarding this: "and having been with one can increase your odds of hopping right into another one, or another unfortunate relationship choice."

Do you know why? Is it because people require time to heal and if they don't, they fall for the same trap(s)?

[luckystrikes]

lucky - regarding this: "and having been with one can increase your odds of hopping right into another one, or another unfortunate relationship choice."

Do you know why? Is it because people require time to heal and if they don't, they fall for the same trap(s)?

well i couldnt tell you exactly, but i have a few ideas.

essentially, we got our idea of 'love' from our family of origin, how they interacted and treated each other, and you. to some extent, we are looking for that dynamic. in many cases for people on this board, those were very unhealthy dynamics. a lot of members say that they were "dating their issues" or "dating one of their parents". regardless of whether it was positive or negative, our family origin dynamic played some role.

if you get in an abusive relationship, its going to begin to sort of bury your personality. you lose sense of yourself. maybe you get abandoned. if youve been abandoned, the beginning of a BPD relationship can seem like youve met your soul mate, and that this person wont abandon you.

it all becomes a pattern or cycle. when this kinda thing is the case, you carry unhealthy baggage around. you may carry a sense of victimhood. it will not immediately attract an otherwise healthy partner.

i for one couldnt find a lot of relativity to my family of origin. someone suggested to me that perhaps it had been the result of trying to recreate a "first love" experience. perhaps, trying to change the outcome. that becomes like second nature, and you dont even realize it. in my case it rang pretty true. she was no borderline, but she had plenty of issues. and i essentially carried the same kinda thing into each subsequent relationship. it came to define me as well. it was like each relationship, i was venturing back into the dragon cave.

carrying on with an earlier point, when you lose your sense of self, you lose your sense of self esteem and self worth. you may not necessarily think you deserve abuse. but youre willing to tolerate it for the sake of "love".

people have kicked the question back and forth, but i do think pwBPD are attracted to a certain something, and look for it. sometimes its a rescuer type. often, its a person with some holes in their self esteem. often a person with weak boundaries. often i high sense of empathy. its no wonder everyone on this board is so supportive, and insightful. we make fantastic partners. we just didnt value ourselves enough to fully realize we deserved better. a certain kind of emotional immaturity will attract a pwBPD, or any other disorder, or even just a person thats inclined to take advantage of you. its that that we gotta bolster.

i would ask you, did you ever feel that there was something 'familiar', perhaps kind of uneasy, at the beginning stages? that can become addictive subconsciously. thus setting you up to repeat the cycle.

[Chapboy]

Familiar, of course: "I feel like I've known you my whole life" after just a week. Or whatever. I wasn't driving at the time (car was gone) but she was driving every day/night to see me after work, was staying as late as she could, sometimes all the way through the night.

I think I've always had a high self-esteem. I wasn't looking or expecting a girlfriend when I first saw her or met. I know she transformed over time, to become "the one" in my mind.

I could see how they attract certain people... Here is where I still struggle. I've always been a "good guy" and am a bit careful with girls. This girl was by far the most serious relationship I've had, but I am fairly young. I still like to believe in "true love," that a person can do or say the things she did and truly mean it. But that is where I am torn; I'm afraid the next time I hear anything similar too: "You will NEVER leave my heart for as long as I live" and "I love you more than ever, I will always love you, and know that I will never give up on us."

I 100% began to lose sense of who I am. I lost my motivation to do anything. It worked right into her hands, because as she did any cooking, cleaning, etc; "I do this because I love you." I can cook food for anybody and not love them. They express love in such ways. Of course, I appreciate it, but the fact that you do this or that doesn't mean you love someone. Everything about me was directed to her, her panic attacks, her good days, her bad days, I needed to be 100% worrisome for her and what was going on at that SECOND for her. I'm a very loving guy, I'd still want to be always there for someone I love (I'm still helping her mother with things to shoe the nasty lies and manipulation shes made to throw in her counselors face), but it wasn't healthy in the way it was with her.

[luckystrikes]

Familiar, of course: "I feel like I've known you my whole life" after just a week. Or whatever. I wasn't driving at the time (car was gone) but she was driving every day/night to see me after work, was staying as late as she could, sometimes all the way through the night.

I think I've always had a high self-esteem. I wasn't looking or expecting a girlfriend when I first saw her or met. I know she transformed over time, to become "the one" in my mind.

I could see how they attract certain people... Here is where I still struggle. I've always been a "good guy" and am a bit careful with girls. This girl was by far the most serious relationship I've had, but I am fairly young. I still like to believe in "true love," that a person can do or say the things she did and truly mean it. But that is where I am torn; I'm afraid the next time I hear anything similar too: "You will NEVER leave my heart for as long as I live" and "I love you more than ever, I will always love you, and know that I will never give up on us."

I 100% began to lose sense of who I am. I lost my motivation to do anything. It worked right into her hands, because as she did any cooking, cleaning, etc; "I do this because I love you." I can cook food for anybody and not love them. They express love in such ways. Of course, I appreciate it, but the fact that you do this or that doesn't mean you love someone. Everything about me was directed to her, her panic attacks, her good days, her bad days, I needed to be 100% worrisome for her and what was going on at that SECOND for her. I'm a very loving guy, I'd still want to be always there for someone I love (I'm still helping her mother with things to shoe the nasty lies and manipulation shes made to throw in her counselors face), but it wasn't healthy in the way it was with her.

i see some commonality with myself, and that doesnt speak well for your odds of meeting another one

as far as self esteem goes, its kind of hard to explain what i mean by "holes". i consider myself to have a very strong sense of self. i know my worth and value, my weaknesses and strengths. i know right from wrong. i know normal from abnormal. i know what i "deserve" and dont deserve. i know righteous anger from misguided anger, yada yada. on paper, i like myself. underneath there are plenty of things there, though (i say that as if theyre all that well hidden). plenty of neuroses. a whole whole lot of self doubt and indecisiveness. a rather petulant inner child. plenty of emotional immaturity. some over sensitivity. a whole load of quirks, some of them irritating. a lot of things about myself i wish to change, or 'better'.

i think thats all true for most people. but i think somewhere in there, is a hole, of sorts. if there werent, if we fully appreciated and loved ourselves, we would not subject ourselves to people we largely know better than to involve ourselves with, or in the event that we dont, in many cases, should, or tolerate the abuse, or unfairness, or what have you.

im young myself, probably around your age, at 25. i like to think ive never been a "sucker for love" in that i consider "love" to be a very, very high bar. my ex was the only one ive truly believed at the time that i loved, and was the one. once in a relationship, im not a rusher. i found myself telling her after about a month, while we were holding each other, that i hesitated to say such a thing, but i could kinda see marriage with her. she indicated she felt the same. thing is i really could. it was a bit early, but i felt very comfortable in saying it. i even felt a little bit stupid afterward. but to some extent, not only do i also believe in "true love" , but love at first sight. my parents had more or less just that. they tell me, more or less, you "just know". our meeting was actually very very similar to my parents. the consensus on this board is that a sign of someone taking things at a rapid pace is a red flag, and it is. but at the same time, i believe, depending, in a matter of weeks, you can begin to form the idea that youve met the one, without fooling yourself, as i did. i do think theres a difference, and i like to think i could see it.

im also a bit of a "good guy". im not exactly prude, or one who shies from the first move, but my exes have largely taken the lead, sexually. possible red flag. im a cuddler. the thing about doing or saying "the things she did" and truly meaning it is that theres generally an over the top nature that comes from a pwBPD. both partners having puppy love, and being crazy about each other quickly, is not uncommon, or a big deal. things tend to normalize and steady. not so with a pwBPD. in other words, theres a difference between moving quickly and moving quickly  ;p

i see your point about the cooking thing, but thats not really a red flag in my eyes. sure, i could cook food for anyone and not love them, but i also like to cook for my loved ones. it makes me feel good. i know this is true for my dad. its clearly one of the ways he expresses love. although, he doesnt announce it. if she was doing so to that kind of point, then yeah, it starts to look a little bit cheap. thats the thing with a pwBPD, i think, when it comes to the debate of whether or not they feel "love". to a large extent, whether they do or not, i think they are mimmicking their idea of love. doing what theyve been taught, but not FULLY grasping the concept of it, giving selflessly. therefore, theres inherently something attached to it.

you may be like me, and 'get something' out of "being there" for people. if so, this is something that needs to be checked hard. its kinda like bait for an unhealthy or abusive person. because if thats what you get something out of, theres suddenly a full time job before you, who, at times (of varying degree) seems to express the world of you and suddenly you feel "appreciated". but you still clearly understand the difference. a pwBPD's needs are endless, growing, and ultimately not meetable. theres a big difference between taking care of a partner when they need you, and vice versa, and a person with no emotional strength who depends on you for EVERYTHING.

[kimbers43]

I too work with my ex gf. Before we met i was my own person and had my own thoughts on people. Once i started seeing her people stopped talking to me and only spoke to her instead! Even if i was stood next to her she controlled the conversations and 3rd partied the information to me. After we split offically at work people have started to talk to me again and i have the impression she is not well liked now. She is always late for work or leaving early which is becoming an issue. Nothing to do with me i say and walk away with a smile on my face. I have never bad mouthed her and never will. she will destroy herself on her own terms.

[jdgny]

Iam sorry that you were in the situation as myself. At the same time Iam glad to see
 someone who can relate to what Iam experiencing. My ex calls in frequently,  leaves.  early constantly, goes home on break everyday to smoke pot, I guess that helps relieve her stress. I didn't talk to her for about 6 weeks after breaking up them I made the mistake of saying goomorning one day. She didn't answer but actually looked like she was in pain and would cry
She tried to get me in trouble saying I was harassing her. We had to have a meeting with management over it! Ridiculous
She acted hysterical in the meeting, crying and getting very upset. She tried walking out. I came out looking good. I haven't said one bad word about her but she continues to bad mouth me.I have a boundary around myself and no contact. If she were a foot away she won't look at me but she gets 20 feet away she wants to stare. Very uncomfortable.

[jdgny]

Because of working with my ex gf all week I can't truly get away and I'm not really " out of sight out of mind" So because of that situation I don't know if she will try and contact me. And. I'm not sure how I will respond.

[kimbers43]

Its hard and won't get any easier mate. They make YOU feel guilty but its THEM that hurt us. Great way to go through life. People think i'm a soft arse for being like i am and still loving her but i don't want to change. Next girl i meet and want to settle down with i will love her with all my heart and not hold back because of how she made me feel :P
Try not to be alone with her if she is making trouble, leave the room/area she is in when she is there. Its the only way mate, she wants to pass the guilt on to you for this and make her look good.