CAN a BPD Hermit

[Think About It...]

go with out dating for a while if they move in with a good friend?  My exBPD Hermit who is a woman moved in with one of her best woman friends and was wondering if that would satisfy her aloneness?  Everything went south between us when she moved in with her single friend.  My exBPD didn't have a roommate before.  I included the Hermit part bc I believe that they can go longer without a r/s, unlike a Waif that can't be alone.  I wish some of the moderators would expound more on the Waif, Witch, Queen and Hermit in romantic situations bc most of Christine Lawson's work is done with mothers.  I noticed some substantial differences between my Waif of 7 years and Hermit, on and off for 1.5 years.  I sincerely believe the delivery and symptoms are different enough to trick someone to get involved with another BPD like I did.  They've got the basic BPD traits but a Waif is clingy and a Hermit keeps you at a distance for example.  

[Applehead]

go with out dating for a while if they move in with a good friend?  My exBPD Hermit who is a woman moved in with one of her best woman friends and was wondering if that would satisfy her aloneness?  Everything went south between us when she moved in with her single friend.  My exBPD didn't have a roommate before.  I included the Hermit part bc I believe that they can go longer without a r/s, unlike a Waif that can't be alone.  I wish some of the moderators would expound more on the Waif, Witch, Queen and Hermit in romantic situations bc most of Christine Lawson's work is done with mothers.  I noticed some substantial differences between my Waif of 7 years and Hermit, on and off for 1.5 years.  I sincerely believe the delivery and symptoms are different enough to trick someone to get involved with another BPD like I did.  They've got the basic BPD traits but a Waif is clingy and a Hermit keeps you at a distance for example.  

[nona]

respectfully...it sounds like you are looking for the BPD "test"

Although Im not out of the first r/s
I would be interested in hearing others ideas on screening prospects carefully.

Im wondering if they are so strikingly different from a non, we will know.

I have a sense thats the truth.

My first Husband  was a non.

And I was BORED to divorce, so clearly points out "My Work" and ignored red flags.

[gina louise]

I believe that BPD waifs/ hermits can be celibate or not date if they get validation/strokes from social groups, church, organizations and friends, or room mates.

Point : my UBPDH was celibate for 6-8 years while in a church/cult like organization that held frequent meetings. this *church* was strict on a few rules (he needs routine) and one was NO sex outside marriage. He had some casual friends -I doubt he EVER ate lunch alone at work! LOL
So he was compliant...but got his validation through the cult itself, acquaintances, and other groups like AA and NA, and work.
finally he just couldn't do it anymore-and had an affair.

[beyondbelief]

I think it is important to take the focus off the labels and put the focus on their motivations.  You have to step back to do this because often they aren't aware of their own motivations.  pwBPD tend to struggle with intimacy but what intimacy means is different for different people.

I agree with gina louise many pwBPD are really looking for validation and the affair is their attempt to get it.  The "religion" my x is currently affiliated with is perfect for her, they have some extreme rituals and beliefs and in a way are an organization show a lot of BPD traits.  Plus X has been living with a relative for awhile.  In both cases there is validation without intimacy.  It has probably been years since X had sex with anyone as that gets to be too much her to handle.

One more thing to keep in mind.  A pwBPD is is first and foremost a PERSON.  Not everything they do is motivated by their affliction.  They are people with good and bad aspects just like everyone else.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[HowPredictable]

My exBPD is quite assuredly a Hermit.  Since the break-up more than a year ago, he has gone on 2 or 3 dates but tells me that he gave up on the prospect and is content to not date for a long while.   I believe him.  

However, he lives with his (crazy) extended family so is never, ever completely alone.   He has lots of mirroring to do in that context, I'm sure it keeps him fully busy trying to be everything to everybody.   He spends alot of time in solitary pursuits at home (like video gaming) and despite being a young man, rarely goes out with the very few friends he has.

[Applehead]

I don't know what my BPD Hermit is up to bc she blocked me on everything and I haven't tried to contact except for a month a go when I tried to call her to send back something I left at her roommates house.  I then contacted her roommate who sent them back.  Her roommate mentioned in conversation that my Hermit wasn't seeing anyone.  I don't know if she's telling the truth or not and I'm not trying to find out.  In January when my ex moved in this woman woman's very large house everything between us went south.  I know they're big wine drinking buddies and her roommate told me a month ago that my Hermit was her best friend and they've gotten closer which made me wonder why my BPD hasn't done any Borderline stuff to her and if being with her roommate has provided her with company so she doesn't have to find a dude bc she's probably rarely alone now! 1) I just wanted to see how they could get closer(Roommate and Hermit) without Borderline stuff taking over bc of them getting close and living together? 2) If Hermit having roommate for company and not being alone could suffice her where she wouldn't have to date?  I don't know for sure but I believe that the roommate had a lot to do with the fall of our r/s bc the roommate's H died and is lonely and both are in their mid 40's.  At the time I hated it but in the long run it will be best for me.  I guess too my Hermit needs this woman for a place to live for a year to save money until her 17 or 18 y/o daughter starts college in the fall.

[luckystrikes]

well, to some extent, they can be whoever they want to be. remember, no two pwBPD are necessarily alike, despite the commonality in our stories and experiences.

from what i gather, a pwBPD can in certain cases become a hermit. what i read suggested it can happen, for example, with enough pain from enough relationships, possibly people breaking up with them. in some cases it happens with age, when (not to be an agist ) they can no longer attract willing victims.

and yes, i think a pwBPD could be preoccupied with a close friend fairly easily. mine was, with our mutual friend, before she met me. drove our friend a little crazy. eventually a bunch of them got to see the ugly, and the two of them more or less fell out from that point. she tends to have permanent fallings out with her closest female friends. the bond can be formed with anyone they get close to and decide they can depend on.

but no, nothing alleviates their sense of being alone. nothing can fill them.

[Applehead]

Lucky, Thanks for your reply.  Yes, they can change from Hermit to Queen etc. and change with different partners but I believe mine is pretty much a Hermit for now.  Her roommate knows what she did to me and it hasn't made her think any less of my Hermit, in fact they've gotten closer.  Every BPD I know hangs with friends that have some major issues also.  I don't know enough about her roommate but can tell you that I have 10 friends that I've been close with for 20- 35 years and none of them cheat outside their marriage, are good fathers and mothers, treat their partners and children with respect and they're all good people or I wouldn't hang with them.  I would tell my friends my opinion if they were treating someone poorly and would appreciate if they would do the same for me.  My friends and I tell each other the truth and call each other out on things always.  Thats what true friends do.

My Hermit still looks great at 45 and if she wants men she'll have no trouble for now attracting them.  Maybe she is dating or they're double dating.  I guess the part of how some BPD, probably effected by friends and companionship when roommates is interested in Borderlines in their 40's or older.  I guess out of curiosity when my Hermit no longer needs this woman to see if they remain great friends or not will be interesting!  I've been reading about Borderlines for 3 years and it doesn't seem like it would work.  I know it can work with Borderlines having friends they see rarely and only talk to by phone or text mostly but the roommate thing seems like it would blow up badly over time.  But they've only lived together since January.  Someone has to be getting the brunt of the borderline stuff now that I'm gone.  It took 7 years when my Waif and her good friend that lived close to her to have their friendship terminate.  Like you said Lucky, no one can satisfy their fear of abandonment long term.

[seeking balance]

Applehead,

Respectfully - how do these questions about your BPD as a hermit or queen actually help YOU detach?

Peace,
SB

[Applehead]

SB, I'm actually doing pretty good!  I'm not out of the woods yet but I just want to know everything I could about all Borderlines which helps me heal.  I was just having trouble understanding how my Hermit could be getting closer with her roommate bc based on everything I've read it doesn't seem possible but it's only been 2.8 months.  I think it's a legitimate question to ask if not having a roommate and then having one can help a Borderline not be as lonely and possible not have to date as much?

NC and depersonalizing everything is helping me heal.  I've been in T for 3 months and have been looking within and understand most if not all reasons I've gotten into this r/s and several others with Borderlines before I understood BPD.  Still hurts though!  I guess I'm a bit insecure bc I'm positive my Hermit is a Hi Functioning BPD Hermit but the roommate thing and them getting closer has been a source of much confusion for me and I believe understanding it better will take away some anxiety for me!  I guess to be honest her roommate could careless if my Hermit treats me bad as long as her roommate has company and my life's experiences has taught me that if someone does something to someone they'll do it to you also.  I hate to admit this but I'm a honest person, I don't want anything really bad to happen to my Hermit but I would love to see her and roommate's r/s blow up!  If that makes me immature or evil then I guess I am and sometime in the near future I probably wouldn't care but I haven't gotten to that point yet!  I wish her roommate would tell her that she was terrible to me like I would with anyone of my friends and they would do to me.