Do I really know better?

[Think About It...]

I amaze myself.

Three nights ago She was a ball of pain and fury and I was sure I absolutely had to escape this toxic relationship. The next day she was sweetness and light, and now I find myself thinking, hey, yesterday and today weren't so bad, maybe this time she really will manage to do better. But I know that the next trigger is just waiting around the corner. But it's such a relief to not be swimming in adrenaline, desperately trying to say or do something to stop the rage. I find myself saying "this is nice. I could live with this if only I can keep things where they are."

Objectively I know this is not the norm. The other side of her isn't gone. It's just hidden away. But somehow I feel guilty for planning to keep preparing paperwork for divorce and for planning to schedule consultations with attorneys.

The illusion of stability is so seductive. Oddly enough, I have wanted a healthy relationship so much that these up-times serve as powerful intermittent reinforcement (psychological studies show that this is generally the most powerful).

I find myself thinking, "She is so nice and reasonable right now... maybe she's right, and the problem really is me? I just have to make sure I don't mess up again." And then I realize how insane that way of thinking is.

But isn't she really trying now? Wait... Is she? I'm still doing the majority of the childcare and housework in addition to having the sole income. How is she behaving better? She's not hurling accusations at me, she's smiling, and saying how much she loves me. Too easy. I know better. Don't I?

[rogerroger]

I amaze myself.

Three nights ago She was a ball of pain and fury and I was sure I absolutely had to escape this toxic relationship. The next day she was sweetness and light, and now I find myself thinking, hey, yesterday and today weren't so bad, maybe this time she really will manage to do better. But I know that the next trigger is just waiting around the corner. But it's such a relief to not be swimming in adrenaline, desperately trying to say or do something to stop the rage. I find myself saying "this is nice. I could live with this if only I can keep things where they are."

Objectively I know this is not the norm. The other side of her isn't gone. It's just hidden away. But somehow I feel guilty for planning to keep preparing paperwork for divorce and for planning to schedule consultations with attorneys.

The illusion of stability is so seductive. Oddly enough, I have wanted a healthy relationship so much that these up-times serve as powerful intermittent reinforcement (psychological studies show that this is generally the most powerful).

I find myself thinking, "She is so nice and reasonable right now... maybe she's right, and the problem really is me? I just have to make sure I don't mess up again." And then I realize how insane that way of thinking is.

But isn't she really trying now? Wait... Is she? I'm still doing the majority of the childcare and housework in addition to having the sole income. How is she behaving better? She's not hurling accusations at me, she's smiling, and saying how much she loves me. Too easy. I know better. Don't I?

[Lady31]

Roger,

YES you do.  I went through this too.  I think most of us do.  Everyone's breaking point is different I think.

I went through this after knowing about the BPD for quite some time before I FINALLY got to a place that even in the good times I wouldn't feel good.  Because I KNEW that they were fleeting, and I saw the relationship as a whole and for what it was...consistantly.  During the bad times and the good times, I could easily remember what was fact.  For me, I just arrived at that place on my own after a long period of time.  I had to see that cycle over and over and over again to really accept it and get soooo tired of living that way in order to get to that place.  When I stopped feeling good, even in the good times, because I finally recognized what it was, then the swings didn't have the same confusing, paralyzing effect on me.

That is how it worked for me.  I also had a very difficult time during that time frame.  It is like being in limbo.  You want an answer.  You want the craziness to stop.  You want something good.  You want to stop hurting.  You want to stop feeling like you live in chaos and you can't stop it, you feel stuck.

I remember my counselor would just keep saying trust the process.  I would say how SICK and stuck and over it I was...but how paralyzed bc I just couldn't give up hope or let go either.  He was right, once it processed through, however long it took, I finally came to the other side.  That time frame was the hardest though.  Knowing the truth, having to accept the truth about who they really are/what the relationship really is/what the potential really was, and BELIEVING it whole heartedly.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)