I'm free

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have been an occasional poster for a year.  In that time, like all of you, I have run the emotional gamut with my BPD fiance.  I have been struggling recently with the decision we all face...radically accept her condition knowing that nothing is likely to change unless she is willing to deal with her disorder or cut all ties.  However, something happened this past weekend that changed everything.  We all have that line, whether we consciously realize it, which cannot be crossed.  With me, the line was crossed when she raged at my 7 year old daughter.  To this point, she has always exercised a modicum of control around her.   She has occasionally been snarky or moody in her presence, but never directed any negativity at her.  Instead, I bore the brunt of her "issues" with my daughter when she was out of earshot.   However, that all changed on our recent trip to Disneyland. 

Even though we mutually planned this trip, she decided to let me know that she was going to leave two days early and had booked a flight.  No reason was given other than she did not want to miss work, despite the fact that she told me she was given the time off.  Since we had driven her vehicle to Disneyland, she told me that my daughter and I could drive her car home when the trip was over.  Obviously, my daughter and I were crushed, as this was supposed to be a "family" trip.  As I have been recently employing the validation method, I told her that I understood her concerns and that I would really like her to stay.  She immediately began to accuse me of being selfish and unwilling to “understand” her needs.  After a prolonged period of disengagement, I told her that I did not feel her actions were warranted and that if she chose to leave, she could drive herself home and that my daughter and I would catch a flight.  Upon hearing this, she began to rant at me and my daughter, telling us that we didn’t deserve her, that she wouldn’t allow us to punish her, etc.  After seeing my daughter’s face and watching her cry, there was a moment when I felt like I was going to lose control.  This was the moment when everything changed.  My parental instinct to protect my child overwhelmed my psyche (sorry to sound melodramatic, but it is true!)  Something broke inside of me and I realized that I would NEVER subject my child to this kind of behavior again. 

And so, after 3 years of ups and downs, sleepless nights and bouts of depression, the choice was finally made for me.  Since my return home, I have been NC. I do not miss her, I do not care what she is doing or with whom she is doing it.  Surprisingly, I am neither angry nor sad.  Those emotions have been replaced by a clarity of thought that I did not think was possible.  The FOG has lifted and the veil has been removed.  I now see and accept her for what she truly is.   Ironically, she still has my engagement ring and I do not care if she ever returns it.  I consider it money well spent for a future of peace and emotional health.

Freedom feels good!  Cheers!

[desertbuck]

I have been an occasional poster for a year.  In that time, like all of you, I have run the emotional gamut with my BPD fiance.  I have been struggling recently with the decision we all face...radically accept her condition knowing that nothing is likely to change unless she is willing to deal with her disorder or cut all ties.  However, something happened this past weekend that changed everything.  We all have that line, whether we consciously realize it, which cannot be crossed.  With me, the line was crossed when she raged at my 7 year old daughter.  To this point, she has always exercised a modicum of control around her.   She has occasionally been snarky or moody in her presence, but never directed any negativity at her.  Instead, I bore the brunt of her "issues" with my daughter when she was out of earshot.   However, that all changed on our recent trip to Disneyland. 

Even though we mutually planned this trip, she decided to let me know that she was going to leave two days early and had booked a flight.  No reason was given other than she did not want to miss work, despite the fact that she told me she was given the time off.  Since we had driven her vehicle to Disneyland, she told me that my daughter and I could drive her car home when the trip was over.  Obviously, my daughter and I were crushed, as this was supposed to be a "family" trip.  As I have been recently employing the validation method, I told her that I understood her concerns and that I would really like her to stay.  She immediately began to accuse me of being selfish and unwilling to “understand” her needs.  After a prolonged period of disengagement, I told her that I did not feel her actions were warranted and that if she chose to leave, she could drive herself home and that my daughter and I would catch a flight.  Upon hearing this, she began to rant at me and my daughter, telling us that we didn’t deserve her, that she wouldn’t allow us to punish her, etc.  After seeing my daughter’s face and watching her cry, there was a moment when I felt like I was going to lose control.  This was the moment when everything changed.  My parental instinct to protect my child overwhelmed my psyche (sorry to sound melodramatic, but it is true!)  Something broke inside of me and I realized that I would NEVER subject my child to this kind of behavior again. 

And so, after 3 years of ups and downs, sleepless nights and bouts of depression, the choice was finally made for me.  Since my return home, I have been NC. I do not miss her, I do not care what she is doing or with whom she is doing it.  Surprisingly, I am neither angry nor sad.  Those emotions have been replaced by a clarity of thought that I did not think was possible.  The FOG has lifted and the veil has been removed.  I now see and accept her for what she truly is.   Ironically, she still has my engagement ring and I do not care if she ever returns it.  I consider it money well spent for a future of peace and emotional health.

Freedom feels good!  Cheers!

[Forever]

Wow. Congratulations on your new freedom and drama free life. Wish we all could have that line crossed enough for our decisions to be easy. But you absolutely made the right decision you don't need your daughter growing up in that kind of environment.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[freedee]

Hi Desert Buck
 Hi!
I'm an official newbee but have been visiting this site for a few years - whilst going through all the hells you describe and more, searching for answers.

I'm glad to hear that you have escaped your torture and that you feel okay with that, it is inspiring.  I have been unable to 'let go' or 'be let go of?' until yesterday when I too had a moment. I'm not sure what it was- I was desperate, depressed, feeling hopeless, trying yet again to end it and...he was trying every manipulation strategy in the book from suicidal threats, frightening behaviour, kindness, flirting etc etc. Something went click in my soul...I just didn't like him anymore...and even the thought of him with someone else (he has had an affair so I know that pain very well!) didn't throw me. In fact I feel like you - I don't care what he's doing nor with whom!

I do fear that my resolve may not be real? I've tried before but it's time.

Cheers
Dee

[mitchell16]

desert buck, Sounds like you have a good handle on it all. I wish I had it all under control as you do. Mine just ended a few days ago for about the 4 time in 14 month. Mine came to a head when I had tried to express my feeling about her behavior in the past week. I was told that I was only concerned with my own feeling and not hers.  This started when I asked her was something going on with her becasue in the few days she was appearing to pull away from me. See in the past whenever she is fixing to break up or going on a raging session it always starts the same way. She starts emotionally distancing herself from me, like not telling me she loves me or laying plans that she is overworked and stessed out and wont be able to see me on weekend or have time for us on the weekend. It always starts the same way. In the past I would ignore it or just let it happen and this time I thought I could head it off and try to keep her mind in the relationship and not spiral out of control. Well, that didnt work either, It got twisted around that all I do is criticise her and put her down. That I dont think about her needs ( because i didnt think to go buy her something to drink while she was working the night before, I should have known she needed something to drink) Thats very insulting, I have scrubbed her carpets by hand, I have fixed her car, I have change light bulbs, washed dishes, taken her on trips, helped her with child, drive 2 hours to see her every week, take her food while she works late and then to be told I care only about my needs because I asked was something going on with her becasue she suddenly stopped telling me she loved which has always been part of our normal routine. So as of a few days ago Im done.

[freedee]

Hi mitchell 16

Hold tight to your resolve if you can. It's a new beginning. I'm in the same place as you. My doctor made the implication  that taking antidepressants may help numb the pain a bit and make the resolve for an easier life stronger? I started taking St John's Wart (A natural antidepressant) and it has helped significantly. I'm processing so many cruel acts that my BPD perpetrated which I have ignored maybe I couldn't face the pain.
Go Mitchell - we can do this!
Dee 

[Happiest]

yep...it snaps doesnt it.

Mine was about an unresolved episode in Bali last october. My 19 year old daughter and her boyfriend had thier holiday ruined by this selfish man and his brother. My daughter watched me be treated like dirt and she snapped. I snapped.

I didnt get over it, and he hasnt taken ownership of some very blatently obvious bad behaviour. I will never tgrust him again and I dont want to be with someone that I have to watch my back over.
Like you - I dont miss him, dont care what he is doing, dont crave for contact from him and dont ever want him near my family.

Its done and I'm happy for you. Just think how lovely your life is going to be with your daughter looking up to you for drawing the line.

Love and light always our friend.