Why do you stay?

[Think About It...]

I've been on the leaving board for the past six months.  I've now been asked by my undiagnosed ex/f to independently meet with his psych.  This is very big news for him, as he's come to some sort of realization that he is BPD.  He wants to be diagnosed and once diagnosed, to have me meet with the psych and share the results.

I am torn and I am terrified.  I am torn that I am only lingering on for some hope that he will get therapy and I am terrified that if we resume our r/s that it will be more suffering for me.  I do love him very much and I have come to terms with how I played my part in this BPD dance..I know that I have changed my perspective of what loving too much can do.

My question is...why do you stay?  Is it worth it?

[Sailskier]

I've been on the leaving board for the past six months.  I've now been asked by my undiagnosed ex/f to independently meet with his psych.  This is very big news for him, as he's come to some sort of realization that he is BPD.  He wants to be diagnosed and once diagnosed, to have me meet with the psych and share the results.

I am torn and I am terrified.  I am torn that I am only lingering on for some hope that he will get therapy and I am terrified that if we resume our r/s that it will be more suffering for me.  I do love him very much and I have come to terms with how I played my part in this BPD dance..I know that I have changed my perspective of what loving too much can do.

My question is...why do you stay?  Is it worth it?

[argyle]

Eh.
1. Love
2. My father died when I was young - I'm hesitant to subject our child to a similar fate.
3. She's kind and compassionate to practically anyone but me.
4. Past the crazy, we're alike in a lot of ways.  Same humor, same multicultural out-of-placeness,...
5. Loyalty, duty, faith.

Is it worth it?
Eh.  Really not sure.

--Argyle

[buterfly]

It's hard, I'm not going to lie.  I have been jumping from one board to the other. 

It helps me to remember his good qualities, and why I love him.  My H is passionate, creative, sensitive, responsible, has a good sense of humor, and most days he loves me (although I question his love often). I believe in soul mates, and have always felt he was mine.

I stayed for the first 9 years because I truly believed it was all my fault.  When I finally figured out it wasn't I decided I would temporarily stay (I question my decision often) just to understand his condition, and try to make it better.  I am overly optimistic.

Now I am staying because the more I read the more I think I could try to improve our relationship.  I guess I figure when I run out of options and it's still bad then I will leave. 

Also, I guess I feel a little guilty (which I just said I would not give into, but...) for leaving him in the situation he is in.  He works part time, I provide him health insurance, we don't have a house or kids, and he has no where else to go.  Unfortunately, the situation is leaving him more and more dependent on me.  Wow, I haven't really thought about this until I began writing.  Uh oh.

Thanks for bringing this up.  It is a good question to ask.

[artman.1]

Helena52,
     First, do you have a therapist?  Most of us are staying partly because we are Codependent.  That is a learned behavior that usually stems from living in a disfunctional Family while growing up, where one or both parents abused substances.  I have been diagnosed with Codependent behaviors, and have been working on me.  I have joined CODA, and attend weekly meetings.  I have established boundries for the rages, and they have stopped.  I have been detaching with Love, and have accepted that I am powerless over others.  These things have helped my RS with my UBPDW, and the baby steps are leading to a better place.  
     If he is not working, that is pretty stressful.  Does he have any Skills to make him employable?  If not, will he attend school and learn some employable skills?  There are a lot of carreer paths that are still in demand, and he could pick up skills while unemployed.  They might even send him to school with financial help.  Sitting around just depressed and rumanating is a loss, and unhealthy.
     If yhe has skills, does he have a good resume?  If you would like a Resume builder program kit, please message me, and I will forward it to you to help him get a resume together in a good format.

Art