things are getting out of control. Help.

[Think About It...]

Hello out there.
My husband and I are both dysregulating, and not sure what to do next. I am in the process of reading The High-Conflict Couple, and just finished Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Marring, which I thought was excellent.

He was away for work for two weeks, and we've always had trouble settling back in but it's worse than usual. He says it's all my fault, of course. An appliance broke when he was gone; he says I did it on purpose. He found some scratches on the car (barely noticeable, not sure when they happened); he says I did that on purpose too. If this is stress-related, it could be work or a health crisis in his family. We live far away from our families, which adds to the stress.

I made a call to get the appliance fixed, and he acted in abusive ways, was about to break the phone, but caught himself, then shoved me in the back (not hard), told me to go for a walk, which is what I usually do. He was angry that I tried to make a phone call without his approval because he thought he could fix it himself. He then left for a walk  himself. He did stop himself, but he was clearly going to break something of mine, and stopped just short of physical abuse.

I'm not sure what to do. We tried marriage counseling before we moved. He was well-behaved for the counseling, of course. He drinks, though he wasn't drinking when this happened. He said we should split our finances (he makes about six times my salary). I said not without a lawyer. We live in a different country, so any legal issues will be difficult and expensive, and we have two children.

We both know we are pretty much stuck together, and we both have emotional issues. I put myself in a difficult situation by moving with him, but decided to keep our family together. I'm in a difficult situation right now because I'm trying to take a course which would help me in many ways, but it makes me much less tolerant of his behavior.

I think learning about BPD too has made me just hit the roof. I've been married for so long, and have tolerated so much, and believed and trusted in all his ideas. I didn't know I was dealing with someone who was powerful, irrational, and highly controlling.

I know the advice would be to leave, but I can't really. He actually does OK with the children, and without me. I just can't seem to bring the level of tension down. I spent two weekends without him already, home at night but gone during the day. I've kept myself away, but anything that brings us together (something needs to be fixed, dinner at night) causes tension.

What do you do when you are in that high-level red zone? We are so enmeshed, I could say he has BPD and I'm the non, but I think we're both dysregulated. Also, counseling is not much of an option, so I'm pretty dependent on your advice. Just how you live your daily life with this mess.

Go Fish (is that my answer?)

[Go Fish]

Hello out there.
My husband and I are both dysregulating, and not sure what to do next. I am in the process of reading The High-Conflict Couple, and just finished Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Marring, which I thought was excellent.

He was away for work for two weeks, and we've always had trouble settling back in but it's worse than usual. He says it's all my fault, of course. An appliance broke when he was gone; he says I did it on purpose. He found some scratches on the car (barely noticeable, not sure when they happened); he says I did that on purpose too. If this is stress-related, it could be work or a health crisis in his family. We live far away from our families, which adds to the stress.

I made a call to get the appliance fixed, and he acted in abusive ways, was about to break the phone, but caught himself, then shoved me in the back (not hard), told me to go for a walk, which is what I usually do. He was angry that I tried to make a phone call without his approval because he thought he could fix it himself. He then left for a walk  himself. He did stop himself, but he was clearly going to break something of mine, and stopped just short of physical abuse.

I'm not sure what to do. We tried marriage counseling before we moved. He was well-behaved for the counseling, of course. He drinks, though he wasn't drinking when this happened. He said we should split our finances (he makes about six times my salary). I said not without a lawyer. We live in a different country, so any legal issues will be difficult and expensive, and we have two children.

We both know we are pretty much stuck together, and we both have emotional issues. I put myself in a difficult situation by moving with him, but decided to keep our family together. I'm in a difficult situation right now because I'm trying to take a course which would help me in many ways, but it makes me much less tolerant of his behavior.

I think learning about BPD too has made me just hit the roof. I've been married for so long, and have tolerated so much, and believed and trusted in all his ideas. I didn't know I was dealing with someone who was powerful, irrational, and highly controlling.

I know the advice would be to leave, but I can't really. He actually does OK with the children, and without me. I just can't seem to bring the level of tension down. I spent two weekends without him already, home at night but gone during the day. I've kept myself away, but anything that brings us together (something needs to be fixed, dinner at night) causes tension.

What do you do when you are in that high-level red zone? We are so enmeshed, I could say he has BPD and I'm the non, but I think we're both dysregulated. Also, counseling is not much of an option, so I'm pretty dependent on your advice. Just how you live your daily life with this mess.

Go Fish (is that my answer?)

[Steph]

Hello out there.
My husband and I are both dysregulating, and not sure what to do next. I am in the process of reading The High-Conflict Couple, and just finished Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Marring, which I thought was excellent.

He was away for work for two weeks, and we've always had trouble settling back in but it's worse than usual. He says it's all my fault, of course. An appliance broke when he was gone; he says I did it on purpose. He found some scratches on the car (barely noticeable, not sure when they happened); he says I did that on purpose too. If this is stress-related, it could be work or a health crisis in his family. We live far away from our families, which adds to the stress.

I made a call to get the appliance fixed, and he acted in abusive ways, was about to break the phone, but caught himself, then shoved me in the back (not hard), told me to go for a walk, which is what I usually do. He was angry that I tried to make a phone call without his approval because he thought he could fix it himself. He then left for a walk  himself. He did stop himself, but he was clearly going to break something of mine, and stopped just short of physical abuse.

I'm not sure what to do. We tried marriage counseling before we moved. He was well-behaved for the counseling, of course. He drinks, though he wasn't drinking when this happened. He said we should split our finances (he makes about six times my salary). I said not without a lawyer. We live in a different country, so any legal issues will be difficult and expensive, and we have two children.

We both know we are pretty much stuck together, and we both have emotional issues. I put myself in a difficult situation by moving with him, but decided to keep our family together. I'm in a difficult situation right now because I'm trying to take a course which would help me in many ways, but it makes me much less tolerant of his behavior.

I think learning about BPD too has made me just hit the roof. I've been married for so long, and have tolerated so much, and believed and trusted in all his ideas. I didn't know I was dealing with someone who was powerful, irrational, and highly controlling.

I know the advice would be to leave, but I can't really. He actually does OK with the children, and without me. I just can't seem to bring the level of tension down. I spent two weekends without him already, home at night but gone during the day. I've kept myself away, but anything that brings us together (something needs to be fixed, dinner at night) causes tension.

What do you do when you are in that high-level red zone? We are so enmeshed, I could say he has BPD and I'm the non, but I think we're both dysregulated. Also, counseling is not much of an option, so I'm pretty dependent on your advice. Just how you live your daily life with this mess.

Go Fish (is that my answer?)

 Ya know, therapy IS your answer.

If you both are dysregulating, it only takes one of you to stop the dynamics.
Is that you?

 Are you feeling that you, yourself may have BPD?

In any case, its important that you break away...go for that walk, much earlier than you do. When there is ANY verbal abuse, take a walk. When you feel like you want to blast him, take a walk..or do a distract activity. In any case, if you stop your end, and arent there to see him being nasty, then you are ok.

I would read the Lessons to your right.

I also strongly suggest that you take some of your money and invest in therapy for each of you...NOT marital therapy...and have evaluations and see where things are. If he wont, then you make sure you do it for yourself. There is effective treatment for BPD...and it truly works well. Also, perhaps there are other issues in play,like depression or other disorders and a professional workup makes ALOT of sense!

Steph

[united for now]

I'm glad that you found us then 

Finding out that your hopes and dreams were built on just that, hopes and dreams, can be painful. I imagine there is a ton of anger inside of you that needs to be examined and worked on. While justified, anger that is misdirected only adds to the conflict. Avoidance isn't a long term solution though either.

What skills (from Loving someone with BPD) are you working on right now?
Knowledge, by itself, won't change anything for the better...

[Go Fish]

Thank you for your replies. I'm definitely dealing with a lot of anger, and I've found the advice on the Deciding board helpful. I do feel we need to stay together, and maybe take it a day at a time, some very long days, and deal with my own issues. As far as tools, I'll try to leave earlier, try to remain calm, it's so hard now, accept when things are going well and not make them worse, if you know what I mean. I find it hardest to face his criticism. This is just a constant personality trait  and I'm sensitive to criticism anyway. The blame is also hard. And the quick emotional changes.

I see him trying to do better, not shutting down, trying to be open with me. He knows I'm at my limit.

Thank you again.

[SmileAnyway]

He knows I'm at my limit.

Hi Go Fish!

Steph and United For Now have given excellent help there.  I agree Therapy, Therapy, Therapy.  And stick with it even if you don't 'think' it is working!

In the meantime though, if the r/s is like a pressure cooker, you need something to release the pressure.  Interestingly he knows you have boundaries from your above statement and from his comment telling you to go for a walk.  So maintain those boundaries and view them as a mechanism to release the pressure build up.

In other words, when it gets tough - Go fish!

[Go Fish]

Thanks for all thoughts and encouragement and for letting me know when boundaries are working.

[united for now]

Like learning to play music, learning new tools for communication and skills to improve relationships takes practice, so go easy on yourself.

Trust me - you're going to get plenty of opportunities to practice  

[buterfly]

Blaming me for the small things that go wrong in life is one my least favorite things my BPD does, this is in fact why I have not had any children yet, I worry what he will say when they get hurt, as children do. 

So... when I read your post I completely understood how you must have felt.  After I received counseling because It was so severe that I was having panic attacks, worrying that something would go wrong (like an appliance breaking or in our case I flushed the toilet wrong, or didn't put enough ice in the cooler, and then receiving hours worth of verbal abuse because of it) I have begun, begun, to realize that it's okay if things go wrong, it's not my fault, and he will eventually forget all about them.

So I say go for that walk, remember that it is not your fault, and come back when you are good and ready, he will probably have calmed down by then.  There is nothing wrong with stepping out of the situation in these cases.   

[Go Fish]

Thank you. It's so strange to realize he does actually forget about it eventually. And then there have been other times when I think he'll get angry and he doesn't have any reaction. I guess walking will be my way out. He does understand that and lets me go, seems to know that's what needs to happen. He also seems to be trying to get more exercise, and I'll support that, though if I go with him he seems to find ways to put me down...

I am trying to make good friends too, so I have some positive relationships to focus on. And making sure I keep track of our children's emotional lives. I don't want to get lost in this.

He's away again for a few days, so I get to breathe. These episodes do coincide with his coming and going, probably something about abandonment, though he's leaving?

Does anyone have suggestions for dealing with anger? A book to read? Take care!

[united for now]

Less JADE.
More validation and emotional empathy