No affection

[Think About It...]

For the last six months we have had little to no sex, but worse than that there's little affection what so ever, I constantly find myself to be the only one making any effort to be affectionate, she barely touches me, never kisses me first, wants to hold hands.. I know it sounds really petty but I feel like we're just friends, not in a long term relationship.

She has body issues and low self confidence, so I don't want to push her or to seem like that's all I'm interested in, because it's really not. And I think she'd use this as an excuse if i were to ever confront her.

Being in a same sex relationship I just cant help but feel she's not attracted to me any more, and just sees me as her best friend.

It's just really frustrating to not feel wanted in that way, it makes me feel really unattractive and leave me feeling unconfident

[WMA]

For the last six months we have had little to no sex, but worse than that there's little affection what so ever, I constantly find myself to be the only one making any effort to be affectionate, she barely touches me, never kisses me first, wants to hold hands.. I know it sounds really petty but I feel like we're just friends, not in a long term relationship.

She has body issues and low self confidence, so I don't want to push her or to seem like that's all I'm interested in, because it's really not. And I think she'd use this as an excuse if i were to ever confront her.

Being in a same sex relationship I just cant help but feel she's not attracted to me any more, and just sees me as her best friend.

It's just really frustrating to not feel wanted in that way, it makes me feel really unattractive and leave me feeling unconfident

[CodependentHusband]

WMA,
    I know exactly how you are feeling right now. It's sometimes little comfort, I know, when you are told that by someone. I want you to know though, that I really mean it. My wife that I love so very much acts the same way. This is a common problem with BPD sufferers. The lack of intimacy can really do a number on your, especially when you think back to the honeymoon stage of the relationship, which, it sounds like you are out of that stage. I still struggle a bit with the lack of affection from my wife, so, I can't tell you that I know the magic bullet for that; however, I can honestly tell you that her lack of affection does not affect the same way it used to... and guess what... I STILL love her like crazy. If I hadn't done some work on my part, that simply wouldn't be possible. I know that for sure. I'd still be back in that same miserable place that I was before I found a way to make it better. How did I do it? I'm sure that's what you want to know. I'm about to tell you, but I want to make it clear that this did not happen overnight. It took me a few months to get to where I've ended up on this. By working the tools here, you are going to be able to break the connection between your self-esteem and your pwBPD's lack of interest in affection and sex. You can do this by accomplishing a couple of key things: detaching with love AND radical acceptance. If you have any idea what those terms really mean, this is likely not what you want to hear right now. I can't promise you that you will ever be able to get to the same place that I am, but if you decide to stay with her, I hope that you do. Being in a relationship where you feel unattractive because of a lack of affection is not a happy place to be.

  If you haven't looked at this link, I suggest you read it so that you have some insight into the different phases of a non/BPD relationship. When my wife was first diagnosed in November, this link was one of the first things I read. Our relationship matched this pattern so well that it was like a light bulb went on for me... This has all happened because she has BPD! How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

   By the way, BPD can also manifest with impulsive sexual behavior with people outside of the relationship as well. I can tell you that objectively that cheating is a real problem in some of these relationships. I suspected it for so long with my wife that I checked phone records, her email, etc for months on end. I never found so much as a tiny reason to ever believe taht she has ever cheated on me. Life comes with no guarantees, but I choose to trust her, and I don't believe that she will ever do that to me, especially since our relationship has improved through the use of tools described here such as S.E.T. and validation.

[oscarkool]

I would never allow myself to the point of checking their phone, texts, emails, messages, etc. BPD or not, this is just a huge violation of Trust. Seriously, do whatever you can in your power to not do this. If you think it's okay because "well they have a mental illness so it's different" then now you're in that Hero Complex mindset which is bad for any relationship, BPD or not and you'll become paranoid over time which results in your partner (BPD or not) noticing your insecurity and walking out the door (or cheating on you which is extremely easy to hide...)

Honestly the only successful relationships I've ever seen people have with BPD partners are ones where the non is not nearly as affectionate or accommodating as you otherwise would be in a healthier relationship. People with BPD, people with codependency issues, people with other emotional problems all came from being raised in faulty ways. Validation is a temporary fix. The only type of people that can truly provide what a person with BPD and other emotional issues needs is a person that's firm and doesn't go out of their way for them. Sure, she might kick, scream, whine and complain, but in the end they want someone that won't put up with their outbursts and other crap. You must be extremely secure and an emotional rock to have a successful relationship with a BPD. End of story. Trying to be accommodating, helpful, 'change who you are for them', etc. never works as evidenced in the countless stories we read...

[PDQuick]

Yes Oscarkool, that behavior is more of a sign of insecurity, and desperation on our part. We want to know what is going on, because we don't understand the dynamics that are happening in these relationships. The sad truth is, that it does happen a lot, and I, myself, wasn't innocent of doing that stuff either. It was my own weakness showing through, holding the hand of my own ignorance as well. I know it is wrong, and I knew it at the time. Im sure CodependentHusband feels the same way too. Fear is a strong motivator. The lessons have been learned.

WMA, reading some of the workshops here, such as Validation, and several others, will give you the tools you need to talk to your girl. Communication is the key, but successful communication is the answer that you are looking for.

Have you tried to talk to her about this, without your feelings on the surface?