Am I Waiting in vain?

[Think About It...]

Hi Hi!
Beeing strickly NC (both ways) for almost 2 months with my ubdfgf, I´m having some tough days this weekend because of events that we planned together to take place theese days. Yesterday she (probably) went to the opera with someone else on the tickets I gave her for x-mas
I would much appreciate comments from You experienced folks in here - thankyou. Im posting on the staying board, because that´s were I want to be.

My gf broke up because I refused to take responsability of things that went wrong on our holiday and because I refused to alter my behaviour. She sent me a goodbye email stating everything that was wrong, end of story. Our rs had by then lasted 17 months though interupted by numerous breakups.
Previously I have always been the one to initiate contact after her breakups, but this time I will not. Though I surely have contributed in messing up our rs by not taking responsability of ME, my borders and my emotions, I feel certain that is not the kind of responsability she called for - she would have me responsable for her emotional wellbeeing. Breakup happened after a nice evening in the theater, and it was obvious to me, that her intention was to continue our rs once she had fixed the issues between us by having me accept the "blame", and when I refused she did the 180 deg. turn.

Im seeing a T, and while the most of the sessions have been like two professionals discussing a client (his words), we recently starting adressing issues that I have worked before (with a female T) whithout going anywere.
I was raised in the seventies were womens liberation was a big issue. I was raised to take care of people less privileged than myself, raised to be self confident, but always to be aware of the need of others. Towards women I learned to respect them as equals etc.
This has caused problems in my marriage and other rs, and even more in my recent rs with my uBPDgf. Because I was aware of how malfunctioning she was in some situations I should have acted on this knowledge by stating that this I cannot accept. Instead I felt pity for her and ignored or went along with her distorted beliefs. This I am sure have made her feel unsecure because I did not live up to the man I claim to be. In other words I have given her a false impression of me, because though I have strong beliefs of what's right and what´s wrong I have not been sticking to theese beliefs when she challenged them. I thought letting her have it her way this time does'nt cost me anything, and conflict can be avoided.
Basicly I´working with my T to become an old fasioned MAN instead of the soft guy trying to please women. This is nessesary for me to have any rs suceed, but I cannot think of anybody other than her I want to hav a rs with.

I love this woman, who is besides BPD also a lovely person and while to her everything was even the best ever or worst ever, right in the middle I believe that there was true mutual love and affection and not just the make belief BPD stuff. Having experienced the death of her mother, and a severe carcrash together I (want to?) believe that we have something together that cannot be repressed forever even in her twisted mind.
So I´m waiting, and though I´m advised otherwise by sincere people who do not know of BPD, I cannot do anything else. I am aware that I cannot wait forever, and eventually life will go on without her if she does´nt show up. I know she would have to change if she ever contacts me again, but knowing BPD logic I think she will. Trying also to prepare myself for how to response to her possible future contact, expecting it not to be straight forward "I miss you, life seems wron without you" - more likely she will rage against me, feel miserable or any of that sort.
A while ago some friends of mine advised me to contact her, to get closure. Meaning if I called her and she rejected me was angry etc. that would help me forget her. Luckily my T advised against it, telling me she´d probably contact me befor may 1. th. Point is that normal people think, that when she says it´s over and everything is bad there is no way of ever going back together with her. Knowing BPD logic I know that the bad stuff can be forgotten in two days and everything is peachy again - thats why I wait, because I long for one last chance to try the skills I´m learning at the moment.
Codependant  - yes.
Clever folks - am I waiting in vain? Succes stories most welcome - and also harsh comments
Regards.

[mbp]

Hi Hi!
Beeing strickly NC (both ways) for almost 2 months with my ubdfgf, I´m having some tough days this weekend because of events that we planned together to take place theese days. Yesterday she (probably) went to the opera with someone else on the tickets I gave her for x-mas
I would much appreciate comments from You experienced folks in here - thankyou. Im posting on the staying board, because that´s were I want to be.

My gf broke up because I refused to take responsability of things that went wrong on our holiday and because I refused to alter my behaviour. She sent me a goodbye email stating everything that was wrong, end of story. Our rs had by then lasted 17 months though interupted by numerous breakups.
Previously I have always been the one to initiate contact after her breakups, but this time I will not. Though I surely have contributed in messing up our rs by not taking responsability of ME, my borders and my emotions, I feel certain that is not the kind of responsability she called for - she would have me responsable for her emotional wellbeeing. Breakup happened after a nice evening in the theater, and it was obvious to me, that her intention was to continue our rs once she had fixed the issues between us by having me accept the "blame", and when I refused she did the 180 deg. turn.

Im seeing a T, and while the most of the sessions have been like two professionals discussing a client (his words), we recently starting adressing issues that I have worked before (with a female T) whithout going anywere.
I was raised in the seventies were womens liberation was a big issue. I was raised to take care of people less privileged than myself, raised to be self confident, but always to be aware of the need of others. Towards women I learned to respect them as equals etc.
This has caused problems in my marriage and other rs, and even more in my recent rs with my uBPDgf. Because I was aware of how malfunctioning she was in some situations I should have acted on this knowledge by stating that this I cannot accept. Instead I felt pity for her and ignored or went along with her distorted beliefs. This I am sure have made her feel unsecure because I did not live up to the man I claim to be. In other words I have given her a false impression of me, because though I have strong beliefs of what's right and what´s wrong I have not been sticking to theese beliefs when she challenged them. I thought letting her have it her way this time does'nt cost me anything, and conflict can be avoided.
Basicly I´working with my T to become an old fasioned MAN instead of the soft guy trying to please women. This is nessesary for me to have any rs suceed, but I cannot think of anybody other than her I want to hav a rs with.

I love this woman, who is besides BPD also a lovely person and while to her everything was even the best ever or worst ever, right in the middle I believe that there was true mutual love and affection and not just the make belief BPD stuff. Having experienced the death of her mother, and a severe carcrash together I (want to?) believe that we have something together that cannot be repressed forever even in her twisted mind.
So I´m waiting, and though I´m advised otherwise by sincere people who do not know of BPD, I cannot do anything else. I am aware that I cannot wait forever, and eventually life will go on without her if she does´nt show up. I know she would have to change if she ever contacts me again, but knowing BPD logic I think she will. Trying also to prepare myself for how to response to her possible future contact, expecting it not to be straight forward "I miss you, life seems wron without you" - more likely she will rage against me, feel miserable or any of that sort.
A while ago some friends of mine advised me to contact her, to get closure. Meaning if I called her and she rejected me was angry etc. that would help me forget her. Luckily my T advised against it, telling me she´d probably contact me befor may 1. th. Point is that normal people think, that when she says it´s over and everything is bad there is no way of ever going back together with her. Knowing BPD logic I know that the bad stuff can be forgotten in two days and everything is peachy again - thats why I wait, because I long for one last chance to try the skills I´m learning at the moment.
Codependant  - yes.
Clever folks - am I waiting in vain? Succes stories most welcome - and also harsh comments
Regards.

[Steph]

 There is no way to predict what she is going to do. Its important to remember that she ended the relationship and so far, its been over.

 I think it makes sense to try hard to detach from her, at this point. I dont see any concrete indication that things are not over, at this time. Reasoning this out, the only thing that seems left, at this point, is your wish for her back. I dont see her taking any of those steps.

Could she miss you and contact you at some point? Sure..thats just wishing, however, and not what is really going on.

Yet, I wonder if it makes sense to jump back with her?

Instead, I am glad you are working with a therapist and getting healthier. This means that you will want healthy in your life, including a relationship..and that is an excellent place to be. Perhaps some day, you will be excited to be with a woman who is not mentally ill, who can be there with you and you with her, and the relationship will be functional and healthy. How does that sound?

Can that happen with your ex? Well...only if you got together with her AND only if she worked on her stuff and you worked on yours..which includes both of you getting healthy.  Waiting in vain? Hard to say..but I would say that it isnt likely to be a healthy relationship..or even a r/s without tremedous effort on both of your parts. And she isnt wanting to go there. And thats ok, too, as hard as it is.


Steph

[redfeather]

My advice would be not to wait in anticipation for something that very well COULD happen or very well MIGHT not happen. Keeps you in limbo and stuck.
Borderlines are very prone to try to re-engage but then again some do not.
My question to you would be why would you want to INVEST any more of your time,energy or money on someone who so blithely walks away?
See healthy people dont do that just walk away from real love. just dont. During the time she is gone you can continue to heal yourself but also if you so choose continue learning ways to relate to her in the event she does come back.
Mine is off gallavanting with the latest and greatest "SOULMATE" ( #5 in 4 months!) I wouldnt touch her nowe with someone elses body parts. And once someone shows you who they really are well believe them!
heal yourself and be good to yourself! Hi!

[mbp]

 I think it makes sense to try hard to detach from her, at this point. I dont see any concrete indication that things are not over, at this time.

Can that happen with your ex? Well...only if you got together with her AND only if she worked on her stuff and you worked on yours..which includes both of you getting healthy.  Waiting in vain? Hard to say..but I would say that it isnt likely to be a healthy relationship..or even a r/s without tremedous effort on both of your parts. And she isnt wanting to go there. And thats ok, too, as hard as it is.

Steph

Thanks for the response!
Arguing your first sentences is worthless - but anyway when are things over when dealing with BPD logic? When things feels great for her they are, when not so, they are´nt. My hopes feed on the wish that somewere in her mind she knows "I´m the one", and beeing without me, me not engaging contact initiates the procecesses needed for her transformation. A transformation needed for her to EVER get what she is longing for. At the age of 47 this is about time - or too late.
Wishfull thinking yes! But I see love as a transforming agent.

Second quote : She needs to work on her stuff if she ever should have sucesess in getting what she wants. Probably not wanting to go there - surely! But if love is a transforming agent could´nt one part beeing able to swim rescue two poeple about to suffer drowning? Meaning if I learn how to stay on my feet withstanding storms of rage and mistrust would I then not be the solid tree she could bark against (and feel consoled by) ? If I am to love her for better or worse is that not what my task is?
Tremendous effort - yes thats me - allready put up tremendous effort in the wrong way - might work if i put it wright?
Healthy relationship?  To my opinion very desirable, but also very rare. Living a single life for many years I´ve seen lots of rs I did not envyl. Seems o me that to have any rs work out takes geat effort.
Biased by my hearts desire - yes I am. But thats the way to go for me. If not suceeding with her eventually love will fade  and give way for  new opportunities. does not seem to be any other way for me 
@redfeather: My question to you would be why would you want to INVEST any more of your time,energy or money on someone who so blithely walks away?
Thats what I ask myself too - if we get back together, how will I ever again trust any areeements /arrangements  made with her, when experience shows that I can count on  nothing?
answer . Love as above - wishfull thinking?

English is not my native tounge, and I have trouble translating the word "gallavanting" - what does it mean?
Thanks again 

[oscarkool]

Instead of waiting around for her to come back to you (which won't happen if she knows you're waiting), you should start working on yourself. Guys that try to wait for an ex suffer from extreme neediness which is a huge insecurity developed during childhood/how you were raised. I was the same way. You lack self-worth. Any person, BPD or not, never wants to be with someone that lacks self-worth long term. You can blame it on BPD for her leaving, but I wouldn't even bring BPD into it. The fact that you've been waiting for 2 months of NC is enough evidence to suggest that you're severely needy. You really need to work on yourself and build up your self confidence. Once you do this, you may have a chance of getting her back - but the funny thing is that when you develop self-worth, you'll realize that you're fine with who you are and won't NEED your ex gf

And seriously man your signature says a lot about you. You assume that every girl has BPD? I guarantee you no. It's really your own problems that are driving these women away, not a mental illness.