Beeing strickly NC (both ways) for almost 2 months with my ubdfgf, IÂ´m having some tough days this weekend because of events that we planned together to take place theese days. Yesterday she (probably) went to the opera with someone else on the tickets I gave her for x-mas
I would much appreciate comments from You experienced folks in here - thankyou. Im posting on the staying board, because thatÂ´s were I want to be.
My gf broke up because I refused to take responsability of things that went wrong on our holiday and because I refused to alter my behaviour. She sent me a goodbye email stating everything that was wrong, end of story. Our rs had by then lasted 17 months though interupted by numerous breakups.
Previously I have always been the one to initiate contact after her breakups, but this time I will not. Though I surely have contributed in messing up our rs by not taking responsability of ME, my borders and my emotions, I feel certain that is not the kind of responsability she called for - she would have me responsable for her emotional wellbeeing. Breakup happened after a nice evening in the theater, and it was obvious to me, that her intention was to continue our rs once she had fixed the issues between us by having me accept the "blame", and when I refused she did the 180 deg. turn.
Im seeing a T, and while the most of the sessions have been like two professionals discussing a client (his words), we recently starting adressing issues that I have worked before (with a female T) whithout going anywere.
I was raised in the seventies were womens liberation was a big issue. I was raised to take care of people less privileged than myself, raised to be self confident, but always to be aware of the need of others. Towards women I learned to respect them as equals etc.
This has caused problems in my marriage and other rs, and even more in my recent rs with my uBPDgf. Because I was aware of how malfunctioning she was in some situations I should have acted on this knowledge by stating that this I cannot accept. Instead I felt pity for her and ignored or went along with her distorted beliefs. This I am sure have made her feel unsecure because I did not live up to the man I claim to be. In other words I have given her a false impression of me, because though I have strong beliefs of what's right and whatÂ´s wrong I have not been sticking to theese beliefs when she challenged them. I thought letting her have it her way this time does'nt cost me anything, and conflict can be avoided.
Basicly IÂ´working with my T to become an old fasioned MAN instead of the soft guy trying to please women. This is nessesary for me to have any rs suceed, but I cannot think of anybody other than her I want to hav a rs with.
I love this woman, who is besides BPD also a lovely person and while to her everything was even the best ever or worst ever, right in the middle I believe that there was true mutual love and affection and not just the make belief BPD stuff. Having experienced the death of her mother, and a severe carcrash together I (want to?) believe that we have something together that cannot be repressed forever even in her twisted mind.
So IÂ´m waiting, and though IÂ´m advised otherwise by sincere people who do not know of BPD, I cannot do anything else. I am aware that I cannot wait forever, and eventually life will go on without her if she doesÂ´nt show up. I know she would have to change if she ever contacts me again, but knowing BPD logic I think she will. Trying also to prepare myself for how to response to her possible future contact, expecting it not to be straight forward "I miss you, life seems wron without you" - more likely she will rage against me, feel miserable or any of that sort.
A while ago some friends of mine advised me to contact her, to get closure. Meaning if I called her and she rejected me was angry etc. that would help me forget her. Luckily my T advised against it, telling me sheÂ´d probably contact me befor may 1. th. Point is that normal people think, that when she says itÂ´s over and everything is bad there is no way of ever going back together with her. Knowing BPD logic I know that the bad stuff can be forgotten in two days and everything is peachy again - thats why I wait, because I long for one last chance to try the skills IÂ´m learning at the moment.
Codependant - yes.
Clever folks - am I waiting in vain? Succes stories most welcome - and also harsh comments