I dont know who I am in love with anymore pls help me

[Think About It...]

I have been told to post on this board...i have been in a relationship for seven years with my boyfriend he has BPD/npd/ocd...I am at the point that i dont know who he is this week he posted a personal classified on the internet looking for peolpe of the same sex this is the ad..." am new to this, i want to be with a cross dresses, trannie s, guys. also a female that wants to trap on and make me feel like a lady. i would also like to cross dress as well. i want to feel silk and satin on my body, even if some else is wearing it. iv never been with a guy before or cross dress or trannie but i want to. i want to kiss and touch. i want to be touched as well. i get so turned on thinking about it. i want you to take it easy on me first. i really want this feeling to last. i live by my self, blue eyes, nice tattoos. please make my first time a real time please. my email is ************** Im 34. with hair down there but would be happy to remove. please send photos, and i can send back."...since discovering this i have felt so sick i am depressed and cant sleep...i had a T.I.A (mini stroke ) three weeks ago and have come out of hospital to discover this! I am off work for three months to rest and get better how can i rest with this is going on...i am shocked i am numbed that he would do such a thing...to be willing to cheat on me like this...has any onegot any advice i just dont know what to do i cant stop crying i am hurting so much 

[Summer73]

I have been told to post on this board...i have been in a relationship for seven years with my boyfriend he has BPD/npd/ocd...I am at the point that i dont know who he is this week he posted a personal classified on the internet looking for peolpe of the same sex this is the ad..." am new to this, i want to be with a cross dresses, trannie s, guys. also a female that wants to trap on and make me feel like a lady. i would also like to cross dress as well. i want to feel silk and satin on my body, even if some else is wearing it. iv never been with a guy before or cross dress or trannie but i want to. i want to kiss and touch. i want to be touched as well. i get so turned on thinking about it. i want you to take it easy on me first. i really want this feeling to last. i live by my self, blue eyes, nice tattoos. please make my first time a real time please. my email is ************** Im 34. with hair down there but would be happy to remove. please send photos, and i can send back."...since discovering this i have felt so sick i am depressed and cant sleep...i had a T.I.A (mini stroke ) three weeks ago and have come out of hospital to discover this! I am off work for three months to rest and get better how can i rest with this is going on...i am shocked i am numbed that he would do such a thing...to be willing to cheat on me like this...has any onegot any advice i just dont know what to do i cant stop crying i am hurting so much 

[Summer73]

oh gez i dont know whats going on in my boyfriends head...he doesnt know i know bout the ad...i know i have to talk to him about it but i just have to pick the right time...he is on my back bout moving out together and having a baby...i see a psychologist ( for depression) every wednesday my boyfriend has been going on bout a baby for some time my psych has told me to be carefull as he see's this as a holding on tool if i had a child to him i will always be in his life...this is how confused he is inside his head he say he wants to live with me and have a baby then he goes and does this "crossdresser" ad in the personal classifieds...im doing my head in i dont think i can hold off till wednesday to see my psych..i have no one to talk no family no friends just here to vent how im feeling...very lost and confused 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[xeon]

Well you have people here... I was similarly crushed last year when I found some texting was going on between my wife and four different guys.  To read some of the crud she texted, I was crushed... as I'm sure you are.  The moving in thing and baby... real bad idea at this point.  In fact the whole relationship thing just might be a bad idea.  Do take care of YOU.  Supportive vibes from me to you...     

[seeking balance]

Summer,

Repeat to yourself - "this isn't about me"

BPD by definition has an unstable sense of self.  I am sure his cross-dressing is quite shocking to  you.
Sometimes pwBPD words and actions don't match up and it is really hard not to take that personally. 

I am glad you have a psychologist, keep working with s/he on detaching.

Right now, just take good care of you.

Peace,
SB

[oscarkool]

Honestly the best advice I've read in the smallest amount of words on these forums is this:

"No Contact is the only 'power' we have.  Remember... they only want you when they can't have you."

I just recently decided that I'm done with my old self and it's time to bring out the new me, one that is strong, isn't a doormat, a guy that leaves and goes home when she gets crazy or distancing (instead of sticking around and trying to reason), one that won't give in to the 'let's just be friends' demands we hear every other week, sprinkled in with no contact. It's too early to tell how it will work out, but you can follow along in my thread.

My theory is simply that people with BPD need someone that's extremely strong and firm, as well as willing to leave at any given moment, thus keeping the BPD always on their toes. I plan on keeping it updated as long as me and this girl are off and on. We're off right now. She tried the old classic 'we can never be together but I want us to be friends with benefits because you mean the world to me.' Instead of giving in like I would in the past, or other guys in her life would, I simply said NOPE and peace out. I'm guessing she'll be in contact with me within 5 days.

The HARDEST part is not contacting them. But it's key to victory and keeping them on their toes.

[Summer73]

thank you for the replies i really appreciate it..it really is an eye opener when you read other peoples experiences and you think hey that happened to me too! sooooooooo much has happened since i last posted i questioned him about the two ads i found re: bisexual/crosdressing he denied it and said it was someone else doing a joke or payback then over night one of the ads just drastically dissapeared...mmmmm must of being his paranoia of being "found out"...we have bn on off on off and currently we are off...yday he went off at me on the phone for over an hour and said so many nice positive things about me that he admires ( ummmm thats being scarcastic by the way ) then two hours later he is all nice as pie said im sorry and went on in the conversation as if evrything was ok at the end of the conversation he said you not going to turn around tomorrow and not speak to me and be stuck on this same round a out we are on i thought to myself mmmmmmmmmm you spin this roundbout kiddo...i told him that he needed to learn to react to things differently nothing gives hm the right to talk to people the way he does he basicaly told me that he was making me feel the way he was he asked how did you feel? i dont him like sht like a piece of dirt was well good it worked...so bsically there was ALOT BPD banter and nothing i seemed to say got in his head there was always a reason or an excuse to "justify" a rage or a verbal abuse lashing he even asked what would you prefer someone that goes off at you or hits you? i said well actually neither! i think he was trying to make out that it aint that bad ...mmmmmmmmmmmm...so anyone after me telling him its over he tried to talk me into packing my stuff and moving into his place he verbally tried every trick in the bok that i am aware that BPD's do...manipulation...guilt etc he even went to the extreme of telling me that he is going to die young he knows he isnt around for so long and told me of all these ailments i just got over all the crap and snapped and said you are never going to get it are you? look just go away and hung up that was this morning it is now 5pm and yes i am receiving msgs...the first one was "...so is that we US?"..."if you love call me or text"..."so is that it cause if it is i am moving on"   etc etc blah balh blah i am keeping strong and havent replied...yes this is extremely hard as i dont know why but i love this mucked up guy and have bn thinking of the good times but how can i move away from everything my home town my family to someone in time may be a year maybe two that will rage at me...its a ticking time bomb!

[Summer73]

OMG I have received a text msg that has thrown me for a six! " I know that you are in your thinking mode and dont want to talk at the moment but I want to leave you with something extra to think about. I need you to commit to this relationship like i have for the past seven years and move in with me this month. i know you will have to travel for work but if you are really serious bout this relationship and giving it a good go you will need to make a decision. I am not prepared to go in this way its not healthy for either of us"...OMG DILUSION...COMMITMENT? ok now lets see posting himself on two dating websites while with me, seeing girls behind myback and flirt texting with them, ditcing me at his doorstep when we were meant to go out cause he had a better offer, his bisexual/crossdressing ads let the list goes on after the rages, after the abuse, after the threats, the manipulation, the guilt trips, the lies, the deceiving I was still there...THAT IS WHAT I CALL COMMITMENT...OH MY LORD!

[Rise]

OMG I have received a text msg that has thrown me for a six! " I know that you are in your thinking mode and dont want to talk at the moment but I want to leave you with something extra to think about. I need you to commit to this relationship like i have for the past seven years and move in with me this month. i know you will have to travel for work but if you are really serious bout this relationship and giving it a good go you will need to make a decision. I am not prepared to go in this way its not healthy for either of us"...OMG DILUSION...COMMITMENT? ok now lets see posting himself on two dating websites while with me, seeing girls behind myback and flirt texting with them, ditcing me at his doorstep when we were meant to go out cause he had a better offer, his bisexual/crossdressing ads let the list goes on after the rages, after the abuse, after the threats, the manipulation, the guilt trips, the lies, the deceiving I was still there...THAT IS WHAT I CALL COMMITMENT...OH MY LORD!

Just remember, ultimatums are made by people that don't have any power. This is an ultimatum. It's a desperate attempt to maintain his control over you. You won't respond to him, which is what he wants, so he's going to try and force you to. If you want to talk to him again, it's okay. I'm sure you have a lot to say. Just if/when you do, make sure it's on your terms not his.

[BeamMeUpScotty]

I feel your pain, so sorry he is jerking your heart around.  Please keep in mind this wise saying somebody once told me- PEOPLE TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE< IT's UP TO YOU TO LISTEN TO THEM.                

[Summer73]

OMG I DONT BELIEVE IT! He has already posted himself on a normal dating website looking for a girl to settle "down with" it hasnt even been 24 hours!

[Summer73]

mentally and emotionally struggling it hurts so much to know that he is already searching for another girl...what was i to him?

[Summer73]

Can you seriously have a happy fullfilling relationship with a BPD? Can you really trust after finding out what they are willing to do? My BPD is currently on a dating website more than likely chatting up other girls while he is trying to "woo" me back...ooooooooooooo I feel like I am going batty!

[seeking balance]

Can you seriously have a happy fullfilling relationship with a BPD?

yes, there if proof on the staying board success stories.
But it takes you BOTH willing to work on it.

Can you really trust after finding out what they are willing to do? My BPD is currently on a dating website more than likely chatting up other girls while he is trying to "woo" me back...ooooooooooooo I feel like I am going batty!

Umm - reality check - why would you trust him if is on a dating site?  People earn trust by doing trustworthy things...does this seem trustworthy to you.

You should feel like you are batty - now, what can you do to change this?  Look to the right...where are you in choosing your path?