My 15 year old DD went to jail tonight... :(..I just want to give up

[Think About It...]

DD was recently released from residential treatment to home.  The insurance company refused to pay for her, stating she would never get better. While she was there, I used this time to make things safer at home.  I worry for her safety because she keeps sneaking out to get high or have sex with men she meets on the Internet.
I enrolled in the Family Connections course, have sought support of this website, bought and read the books on BPD – DBT.  I even flew out to L.A. (from Texas) so that I could take the NEABPD conference.  I am not really “mindful” right now.  I have been keeping a schedule like nobody’s business so the children have more predictability in their day.  This upset DD because she was not easily able to manipulate her way about.  I put those validation skills to work and it seemed to help.  Every member of the household was on board. 
I was excited to find a DBT specialist for adolescents in my area.  According to DD, the therapist told her she could use illegal drugs as soon as she was stable.  I haven’t had a chance to inquire about this but I believe this to be inaccurate. 

I was thrilled there was a support group for adolescents that taught DBT and used the skills among peers through a therpist led group. DD had the therapy appointment and was supposed to attend the group right after.  DD started crying saying she was having terrible anxiety and refused to attend group.  I validated that. We discussed that we could try again next week but that she had to come with me to explain to the therapist leading the group. 
We home school.  I have been trying to rework lesson plans so that her studies are more connected to herand her learning style.  Next week we were to enroll in an academy.  Much of her lessons for this past year have been off put by her behavior and this illness as she has been in and out of psychiatric/residential treatment.
Tonight DD stole money, snuck out of the house, and smoked some pot.  She then bought some.  Her dad and I searched her room.  We found her “stash”.  We also found pills given to her by a 19 year old who refuses to leave my daughter alone.  She will pick her up in the middle of the night.  This keeps happening.  This is what she swore she’d never do again.  She can never give a sufficient reason why she does it.  She was apathetic towards us.  She said she had not remorse.  I finally called the police on her and had her arrested (after her continuig this behavior). I can understand a s slip up butit's nonstop. I pressed charges on her for stealing.  She was arrested because of the marijuana and paraphernalia.  I just reached my wit’s end.  All I see is her destroying us and her siblings for what she wants in an exact moment – any exact moment.
I worry she will end up dead when she goes off with these adults who decide to leave her somewhere intoxicated.  She was raped during an “escapade” which led to a major breakdown.  I don’t know what else to do.  I have warned her that there will be no drugs whatsoever in this household and that legal enforcement would be enacted if such were found present.  I didn’t just “spring” this on her. 
What gets me is she was so bold about it.  She took money from her dad’s wallet while he was asleep with a migraine right there.  She snuck out while I was in the next room.  She confessed that was her marijuana, her pipe to the police.  She had a completely flat affect, like it didn’t even matter to her.  I feel like she needs to understand that there are very real consequences.  Short of going to RTC as a “consequence” she hasn’t had anything real.  She’s been grounded, talked to, listened to, etc.  It doesn’t seem to work.  This has been ongoing. I’m heart broken…

[erdmom]

DD was recently released from residential treatment to home.  The insurance company refused to pay for her, stating she would never get better. While she was there, I used this time to make things safer at home.  I worry for her safety because she keeps sneaking out to get high or have sex with men she meets on the Internet.
I enrolled in the Family Connections course, have sought support of this website, bought and read the books on BPD – DBT.  I even flew out to L.A. (from Texas) so that I could take the NEABPD conference.  I am not really “mindful” right now.  I have been keeping a schedule like nobody’s business so the children have more predictability in their day.  This upset DD because she was not easily able to manipulate her way about.  I put those validation skills to work and it seemed to help.  Every member of the household was on board. 
I was excited to find a DBT specialist for adolescents in my area.  According to DD, the therapist told her she could use illegal drugs as soon as she was stable.  I haven’t had a chance to inquire about this but I believe this to be inaccurate. 

I was thrilled there was a support group for adolescents that taught DBT and used the skills among peers through a therpist led group. DD had the therapy appointment and was supposed to attend the group right after.  DD started crying saying she was having terrible anxiety and refused to attend group.  I validated that. We discussed that we could try again next week but that she had to come with me to explain to the therapist leading the group. 
We home school.  I have been trying to rework lesson plans so that her studies are more connected to herand her learning style.  Next week we were to enroll in an academy.  Much of her lessons for this past year have been off put by her behavior and this illness as she has been in and out of psychiatric/residential treatment.
Tonight DD stole money, snuck out of the house, and smoked some pot.  She then bought some.  Her dad and I searched her room.  We found her “stash”.  We also found pills given to her by a 19 year old who refuses to leave my daughter alone.  She will pick her up in the middle of the night.  This keeps happening.  This is what she swore she’d never do again.  She can never give a sufficient reason why she does it.  She was apathetic towards us.  She said she had not remorse.  I finally called the police on her and had her arrested (after her continuig this behavior). I can understand a s slip up butit's nonstop. I pressed charges on her for stealing.  She was arrested because of the marijuana and paraphernalia.  I just reached my wit’s end.  All I see is her destroying us and her siblings for what she wants in an exact moment – any exact moment.
I worry she will end up dead when she goes off with these adults who decide to leave her somewhere intoxicated.  She was raped during an “escapade” which led to a major breakdown.  I don’t know what else to do.  I have warned her that there will be no drugs whatsoever in this household and that legal enforcement would be enacted if such were found present.  I didn’t just “spring” this on her. 
What gets me is she was so bold about it.  She took money from her dad’s wallet while he was asleep with a migraine right there.  She snuck out while I was in the next room.  She confessed that was her marijuana, her pipe to the police.  She had a completely flat affect, like it didn’t even matter to her.  I feel like she needs to understand that there are very real consequences.  Short of going to RTC as a “consequence” she hasn’t had anything real.  She’s been grounded, talked to, listened to, etc.  It doesn’t seem to work.  This has been ongoing. I’m heart broken…

[FriedaB]

Hello  I  just  wanted  to  tell  you  how  sorry  I  am  that  you're  hurting  right  now.  Please  know  you  did  the  right  thing;  actions  have  consequences,  and  unfortunately  this  may  be  the  only  way  she  learns.  You  did  the  right  thing...juvenile   records  can  be  expunged,  adult  felonies  can  not...perhaps  this  is  the  wake  up  call  she  needs.  Had  my  BPD  friend's  taken  action  at  an  early  age  the  way  you  have,  perhaps  she  would  not  today  be  a  heroin  addict  with  hepatitis  c,  and  5  felonies.   YOU  DID  THE  RIGHT  THING!  I  strongly  believe  you  actions  may  have  saved  her  life.  Often  times  once  they  are  in  the  system,  they  have  access  to  mental  health/substance  abuse  resources  they  did  not  previously.   

[Reality]

erdmom
Wow!  You are amazing to be so pro-active.  I wish I had had your foresight.  You are catching this disorder at that right time.  It is heart-breaking, I think that is the way we all feel.  It is devastating.  And it isn't easy. 
You are doing everything right.  Your daughter's impulsivity is leading her to scary decisions.  Please keep us posted with what is hapenning. 
Reality

[qcarolr]

erdmom - It is so painful to do the next best thing with our troubled kids - you did the right thing. And even though she was showing to 'affect' - that can be a cover for feeling things so intensely if she let it show at all it would be too much. It is better to have these consequences now rather than later - I agree with that.

With my DD acting out - like your DD - is her form of 'self-harm' instead of 'acting in' ie. suicidal behaviors. Her actions in such plain sight of you was a way to ask for your help in stopping these behaviors - she was unable to do this on her own. Also, just leaving the structured, safe rtc is hard.

I hope the courts have a way to help your DD get back into her treatment plan. My heart is with you in this difficult time.

qcr

[erdmom]

I just keep thinking "What if I'm only creating a true criminal?"  I keep reading about how not to make things worse and I think, Geez did I do just that?

My heart aches for her.  I was so angry.  My face was hot, my heart was racing. But out of all that I was really really hurt.  I spent last night (early this morning) thinking about what her life was going to be like.  I worry her quality of life won't be very much.  I pray that it will be a life worth living. I feel like a bird in a hurricane, flapping my wings as hard as I can.  I'm really tired.  I'm pretty darn sad.  It's horrible I have to face a fact that I may lose my DD and my heart breaks.  I read posts and I just wish I could offer a hug to you that are here with me. 

Then I just wonder what the point to all of this is at all...

[tiredmommy2]

Erdmom, I really would like to commend you for the steps that you took last night.  As hard as this was for you, you did what you had to do, and it was absolutely the right thing. 

I didn't do this with my own daughter while she was living at home, there did come a time while she was living in residential that she intentionally harmed a staff member (causing a pretty significant long-term injury), and they were thinking about pressing charges.  Before they considered it further, they spoke to me about it, and I gave them my blessings for the reasons that FriedaB stated - I thought it would be better for her to learn her lessons now, while she's a juvenile, rather than have her pull this nonsense as an adult. BPD or not, she knows right from wrong, and has to learn that certain behaviors are just not going to be tolerated.

She had a completely flat affect, like it didn’t even matter to her.  I feel like she needs to understand that there are very real consequences.  Short of going to RTC as a “consequence” she hasn’t had anything real.  She’s been grounded, talked to, listened to, etc.  It doesn’t seem to work.  This has been ongoing. I’m heart broken…

I've had the exact same experience, and each time I took away her privileges, belongings, talked to her, grounded her (insert anything here because I've tried it all), she responded in a very nonchalant way, like none of this mattered to her.

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain right now, but please know that you did the right thing. She was going down the wrong path, and what you have done may be the very thing that saves her life.  Nothing good is going to come out of her running around with men from the internet and playing with drugs.  I really hope that this incident gives her access to programs and resources that were not available before (sometimes it happens this way). My heart goes out to you during this difficult time - please keep posting to let us know how everything is going for you. 

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[FriedaB]

To  be  honest,  I  am  surprised  my  friend  even  made  it  to  26,  given  everything  shes  done.  Her  mom  felt  so  much  guilt  over  pressing  charges,  but  did  it  as  a  last  resort;  all  of  us  wondered  when  we  were  going  to  get  that  call  telling  us  shes  dead.  You  did  the  right  thing  because  let  me  tell  you  her  use  will  escalate...my  friend  started  with  pot  at  15... that  escalated  to  coke,  pcp  and  now  heroin.  Her  arms  are  badly  scarred  with  track  marks,  and  she  contracted  Hepatitis  C  from   shooting  up  with  a  dirty  needle...at  one  point  we  thought  she  had  contracted  HIV  (she did  not,  thank  god)   What  started  as  a  little  shoplifting  became  full  blown  credit  card  fraud,  forgery  and  identity  theft.  My  point  is  that  without  your  intervention,  your  dd's  issues   would  escalate...they  will  not  go  away. 

[Cassy]

You now, SOME children, not most by any means, want strict boundaries. They push all limits because the want/need someone to step in and actually force them to stop the behaviour.

It's possible that after the drama dies down, your DD will come to her senses.

And they really don't internalize people being upset with them, or consequences like most of use do. But, a lot of them develop that through consistent expectations and consequences.

[mom4jenna]

Erdmom, you did the best thing for her. It's so hard because parents aren't supposed to do that in the real world. But honey, we are on a different planet! I will do so in a heartbeat to save my child. She is 14 and I am watching just for things like you mentioned. It's so hard to be hypervigilent but we have to. I have caught my daughter smoking pot and that is not ok in my house or anywhere else for that matter. I will hold the line on that one. She is not allowed to go anywhere unsupervised. Kinda sad but it is what it is. I sometimes think she is happier when I have structures in her life. Keep it up momma! You dd needs you. Take a mental health day from work or whatever to cope. That's what I allow for myself. You need the oxygen... Keep us updated.you are not alone.

[Battle Weary]

erdmom,

You have so much more leverage when she's under 18 and, as you point out, expungement is an option.  Not so when they are over 18.  I wish I had used this tool when I could have.  As I relate elsewhere on this board, today I called the ambulance for my dd, 19, who was expressing suicidal thoughts and clearly had taken hard drugs.  The firemen said there was nothing they could do because she didn't admit suicidal thoughts to them and was over 18.  I guess being high on heroin isn't considered a health emergency.  She would be on a psych ward at the hospital now if she was under 18 and I would be arranging for residential treatment they would facilitate.

Let us now how things turn out.

[FriedaB]

BattleWeary: Do  you  think  there  might  be  a  way  to  convince  your  dd  to  try  treatment?  My  friend  was  court  ordered  to  a  long  term  rtc  and  seems  to  be  doing  well  there.  Do  you  think  there  might  be  some  way  to  convince  a   court  she  is  a  danger  to  herself  or  others?  Heroin  is  bad  news  and  I  worry  for  your  dd.

[Battle Weary]

FriedaB,
It's very odd, but based on my experience today taking hard drugs doesn't seem to be considered posing a danger to oneself, although overdosing is clearly something they respond to.  I fear things would have to get a lot worse--more than one active suicide attempt--for anything involuntary to happen.  She is now thinking on her own of going to a hospital, which would be great--no access to drugs.

[FriedaB]

I fear things would have to get a lot worse--more than one active suicide attempt--for anything involuntary to happen.  She is now thinking on her own of going to a hospital, which would be great--no access to drugs.

That IS good news. I hope you will keep us updated. I don't know where you hail from, but here in the US insurance coverage is nil for Axis II disorders...to get help these kids pretty much have to be in the court system, which is sad. I never knew much about drug addiction before this but I can tell you waiting for the results of your child's HIV test is something no parent should have to endure. Treatment for HepC (which comes from dirty drug needles) is pretty awful too...I pray your daughter seeks that help out. Its awful the lack of resources available for BPD...which, of course, is likely why these kids self medicate in the first place...