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Think About It... An individual’s overall life functioning is linked closely to his level of emotional maturity or differentiation. People select ... partners who have the same level of emotional maturity.
Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. ~ Murray Bowen, M.D.
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Author Topic: Hook, Line and sinker  (Read 768 times)
kimbers43
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« on: March 25, 2012, 03:02:00 AM »

Hi, my first post on here but i have been reading this forum for a few months and needed to vent my anger and hurt from being dumped by my exBPDgf. I met her over a year ago at work. She was engaged and had been with her partner for 8 years but wasn't happy. We flirted a little which at first i thought was harmless and a bit of office banter. She managed to get hold of my mobile number and began to text sexual messages. As i was single and she told me how unhappy she was etc i responded. One thing lead to another and we ended up having an affair which resulted in her leaving her partner and actually moving in with me! Now i know what you are all thinking, red flag, red flag but at the time i was so convinced she was over him and in love with me i fell for it hook line and sinker. During our 12 month relationship we were together 24/7 and it was very draining. I worked with her in the same office and sat opposite her. Everything was setup between us to make her happy only and only her. She was always ill, colds, cystitus was frequent, tired all the time. She demanded sex constantly and no matter how long we did it for she was never satisified and wanted it 'again'. All the arguments we ever had never got resolved and each were stored up for the next time so when we did fight i had to try and remember what had happened 8 months ago on a sunday morning when i treated her bad along with 14 other arguments i was defending myself in at the same time. The first time she left me she went back to her ex and slept with him. She then turned up at work the next day wearing the engagment ring and continued to live with him for 3 days before she decided to leave him for me again. When she told him this he snapped and tried to kill her (her words). A knife was involved and the police arrested him and he was charged with assault. Liek a fool i took her back as i felt sorry for her. She humiliated me at work with her actions but i thought i was being the stronger man and forgave her. After all it was my fault she left me and slept with him right? Thats what she told me and contiunes to believe. After having her back things calmed down a bit We tried for a baby and she got pregnant. Happiest time of my life. I'm 43 with no children and she is 31 so it was both our first time. The baby didn't survive though and i had the worst feeling ever going for the first scan and seeing it on the screen but the poor thing had stopped growing after 10 weeks. This in her eyes pulled us closer and we got through it as a couple. When we split up she accused me of killing the baby with all the stress i caused her!
Moving on the end of the relationship i dumped her. She moved out to her parents but left all the stuff behind she didn't want/need including her 3 year old dog for me to look after! Eventually i actually managed to get her to collect all her things including the dog and hand me the keys back. This was not easy as each time she came to get stuff we ended up in bed. Fast forward to today and we have been seeing each other on and off for 3 weeks for sex. Until last Saturday we fell out for good again as she puts it. I have tried not to contact her but fail each time. We got back in touch on Tuesday and things seemed ok. Then on Friday just gone she tells me she has slept with someone else. Gutted is no the word for how i feel. How do these people actually survive? She said she can't be sex starved and seeing me isnt working so she went somewhere else. She has implied its casual but i have the feeling she will be living with him next. I miss her but i wont miss the trouble she caused and the ups and downs. i hope my story inspires people to realise just how far these people will go to get what they want no matter what the cost is to the people involved. BTW she has added her ex on FB but deleted me!
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talkitout


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« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2012, 03:26:19 AM »

I miss her but i wont miss the trouble she caused and the ups and downs.

I was in a 5.5 year relationship with my uBPDexgf.  It was a rollercoaster ride that has nearly cost me my career.  What do I have to show for it?  Absolutely nothing.  She tossed me aside time and time again like a piece of trash.  Yet, I kept getting back in line for another ride on the rollercoaster going through the highs and lows each time.  Like you I miss her, but she caused so much turmoil and instability in my life that her leaving me is for the best, though it hurts like no other pain I have felt.
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kimbers43
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« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2012, 03:38:40 AM »

Thanks talkitout. I feel a bit lucky i didnt go for that length of time. Really feel for you. I'm angry and sad at the same time and i think about her a lot while i know she doesnt think about me for a second. I have to drive past her house each day and i know when she has spent the night out at someones house etc. I had guessed right about the night she was missing on Thursday and she told me the next day she has slept with someone after i asked to her to be honest for a change and tell me what is going on.

Drove past this morning and her car has gone again so i know what she will be doing today sad

I can't change my route to work before people say go another way sad
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dah1029
AKA trauma1962
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« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2012, 05:14:45 AM »

What I hate is that you turn into this nut you never thought you'd ever be.  I'm embarrassed to say that I've gone out of my way to drive by the ex's house at 6am and late at night to see if anyone has slept over.  I'm so ashamed when I do it.  I feel pathetic but such relief when I don't see another car in the driveway.  He has to sleep at home because he has an old dog.  I feel so obsessive, when I get it in mind that I want to drive by.  It's lessened lately, so I hope that I'm moving forward.  But I hate that I check up on him. 
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"Scars remind us of where we've been.  They don't have to define our future".
"All truths aren't easy to understand once they are discovered.  The point is to discover them".
GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
kimbers43
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« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2012, 05:39:03 AM »

I'm dreading the next phase when he dumps her. She will be back in touch i know it. I have another dog which she is always asking about to talk for a walk and stuff. She will use that as a way to get in touch!
I hate the driveby, my heart sinks when her car is gone. I feel sick knowing she is in bed with him and fooling him the way she did me. It will pass in time i think/hope...
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luckystrikes
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« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2012, 08:08:05 AM »

i say this without any judgment, but you guys are really killing yourselves with the drivebys. i understand what fuels it, and i understand that its easier said than done, to stop it. but i think youve gotta try, for both of your sakes. its not productive, it becomes addictive, and its emotional masochism. its actually kind of a curious phenomenon aside from that.

i wouldnt necessarily put a drive by past me, hypothetically. maybe i would at this stage. my ex lives an hour away, so its entirely out of the question. but as far back as first grade, i was doing bike bys  cool ive always been a bit obsessive. something ive had to work hard to keep in check. i know a bit about this sort of tendency. when i was in high school, a girl (who i believe happened to be with BPD) left me for another guy, but still had me around her finger. on a daily basis, i would read his online journal. he even knew i did so, as did she. i would read agonizing stuff that was completely contrary to the way she portrayed it. and like a child id get so mad and pouty over it, along with agonizing. i admit ive done similar things since, but that lesson stayed with me. the idea that, and i know you know this, but try to let it internalize, there is nothing there thats going to make you happy. chances are, there will be something there that will upset you. and its actually that, that tends to trigger the anxiety to check. theres some relief when its not there. but your mind doesnt really rest. and then it continues to check. becomes addictive. if there is something there, but its meaningless, you will most likely spend a great deal of time over analyzing. what if you drive by, and the car is there, or not there? you have no way of knowing for certain that its why you think it is. so why torture yourself?

at the very least, think of it this way: you guys are spending valuable gasoline on these people wink

ill recommend two things that worked, in a permanent sort of sense for me. because i was having a terrible time either cyber peeking, trying not to cyber peek, or not thinking about cyber peeking, and it was only getting worse. i couldnt even see much. i finally stopped, and then it just became a matter of typing part of her name, so shed come up in that little thing on facebook, and i could see her profile picture thumbnail. just seeing a switch reminded me she was 'alive' and sent me into a tailspin. the lesson is giving into this is not going to improve your situation.

one was a product called passion flower that stopped my anxiety dead in its tracks. for some time in the aftermath of my breakup, i was experiencing anxiety attacks (not to be confused with panic attacks) that would come on within an hour of waking, and stay for hours. ive never experienced anything like that in my life and although i knew it wouldnt kill me, it was terrifying. i wanted it to stop. i started taking passion flower, and it did, completely. i can no longer remember what it was like. that was huge in stopping the tendencies to think about her, let alone peek at her.

the other was writing a list. for me, it made no sense why i was pining over this person. ordinarily, i practically hated her, and intellectually, i had not a single reason to miss her. id worked to remind myself of that (it wasnt hard) but it just wouldnt last. whatever feeling of empowerment i got would lose its effect. i was desperate enough to finally try it. writing it down does a great deal. you can apply it to this situation in particular, as well. sort of a "why in the world would i want to spare this person another thought". let it sound absurd in your head. i think it could go a long way.

i hope i dont sound like im scolding or talking down, far from it. the goal is to talk yourself up, not to give them this power over you. i assume you already know pretty much everything i said, but for me its always helped hearing things in particular ways. that was my goal.
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what became of love
at first sign of out of sight
was out of mind
and painted black over night
kimbers43
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« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2012, 08:41:54 AM »

As posted i have no choice but to drive past her house on my way to work everyday. Either that or i change jobs or move house! The more she stops out the better i will feel to be honest. It has just confirmed to me i ment nothing to her as will the next victim.
The pain is going, the anger is growing.
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kimbers43
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« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2012, 08:55:51 AM »

She has just contacted me resurfacing from where ever she spent last night demading to see the dog i have kept. We had two at one time, one was hers which she got rid of after we split up. Its a beautifull day in the UK and SHE wants to take the dog for a walk. Is this reasonable do i ask? After spending the night with her next replacement she contacts me and wants to go into my house and walk my dog? I am at work and i work 12 hr shifts. I pop back for an hour each day and walk the dog myself which she already knows and i have already walked her today. i have replied with one word NO. She is still texting saying its animal cruelty...FFS.
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luckystrikes
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« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2012, 09:25:58 AM »

sorry, my mistake.

her claiming animal cruelty is laughable to say the least. im surprised shes not claiming to be the animal  rolleyes no, id stick with your response and ignore anything further that comes your way on the matter. my best friends ex pulled the same thing on him, and he just largely ignored it. very similar situation. its yours.
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what became of love
at first sign of out of sight
was out of mind
and painted black over night
dah1029
AKA trauma1962
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Posts: 525



« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2012, 01:41:31 PM »

I would stay NC with her.  It's too confusing to you.  You've got the situation under control.  And she doesn't belong in your house unsupervised.  She chose to leave.  It's no longer her home.

Thank Lucky Strikes as always for the insight.  I've been "good" for 17 days !  No drivebys and NC.  And really, the interest lessens as time goes by.  I was just driving myself nuts.  He doesn't deserve me.  And from what I see of him physically, he's going down fast and hard.  His new gf can clean up that mess.
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"All truths aren't easy to understand once they are discovered.  The point is to discover them".
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